3rdXaround

Is it "unhuman" to turn another away when they may need you?

I was dating an Alcoholic for a good 5 years. I'll try to make this short but in that time he's put countless holes in my wall, kicked in my stove, punched in the refrigerator and been abusive to my adult children and oldest grandchild.
Been hauled to jail 4 times due to his actions from drinking. And yes I supported him 100 percent with money towards tickets, shelter, cars, education expenses and the list goes on.

I finally got my head straight this last time he was in jail. No more and he wasn't coming back into this house.

But I still have to wonder if it's humane to kick someone out into the streets.

splendra

3rdtimearound-
Welcome to Sober Recovery you do sound like one of us!
How much one can put up with is a personal matter. I think it sounds like all you have put up with would make just about anyone come to the end of what they can stand.
You say you have been paying his way. It sounds like the man needs himself. Maybe not taking him back in will help him to take responsibility for his own life. He is not used to standing on his own two feet because you have done everything for him. Throwing him out could possibly be the best thing to happen to him in a while especially if he decides to get his act together. And if he doesn't get his act together are you willing to continue supporting him while he drinks and abuses your appliances? What will be next your face?

Marcinor

Welcome!

I’m so glad you are here. I like your headline for this thread. I really like that word "but", it gives me every opportunity for an out to my previous statement. I’m so good at this. I know the fact, the way I feel or the statement I want to make and then I go and give myself an out. I need him to be a full partner in this relationship but… he can’t do that right now. I really don’t need the part that comes after the “but� because everyone knows he can’t do that right now and it doesn’t matter what he can do tomorrow or the next day or the next because I have to live in this day first.

So when you say you deserve better, there are no “buts� there is just the fact that you deserve better. For me, I seem to always know what I’m saying is full of crap, it’s in my actions. What will I do? Will I pick the fact or the fiction?

The hardest part is letting those “buts� go and living in today for me. What is best for me, right now, not what I can manipulate or control for a future which is very wonderful and a big fantasy world.

Sounds to me like he’s not just beating up the furniture he’s beaten up your self-esteem. Are you being humane to you? I know how hard it is to say no and mean it. Hang in there and as many wonderful people on these boards have reminded me; baby steps!

Many hugs

Marci

Omega

You must protect yourself and your family... first and foremost. I know that when I was in the depth of my addiction... I would drag everyone down with me. I was enabled greatly... and I own that part of my life... I allowed it. What you did was in your best interest... and his... although he may not see it that way.
Try not to let guilt have power over you... it is a tool that active addicts seek out to use at their advantage.
Please keep coming here to SR and talk about anything you want. There are people here that honestly care... and know what you are going through at this very moment.
Welcome to SoberRecovery and glad you are here.

Magichappens

Welcome 3rdXaround,
Al-Anon teaches that we are powerless over alcohol. We aren't responsible for the alcoholic's drinking, or the consequences of it. There are many consequences for drunken behavior, including removal from the home. If there is violence, you should protect yourself and get out of that situation in whatever way you need to. Protecting yourself and your family is first priority. It may not be "humane" but neither is violence towards family and loved ones. Alcoholism isn't humane. It degrades a person and takes away their life. Many alcoholics won't seek recovery until they have reached a bottom. We can chose not to go to that bottom with them. It is a hard choice, but one that each of us has to make on our own. There is support and love here. We help each other to find who we are and to make healthy decisions for ourself. There are no right or wrong answers. We all have to find what is best for us. I hope that you will stick around and share the growth, support, and healing that is offered here. Feel free to browse, vent, share, and grow with us. Hugs, Magic

golden cat

Dear Omega:

I thank you greatly for your post. I had posted earlier about my son's and grandson's addiction. When you said "try not to feel guilty, an addicts tool, etc," it was a tremendous insight for me. My son while in the throes of meth addiction, had been on the streets and had visited me, but wanted to come stay with me. I felt such guilt and pain by refusing when I took him back to the streets. But I had learned from Alanon that all I would have been doing would have been enabling him. He is now recovered, not dead, thank God, but I am still having to deal with the pain of what he is still suffering.Thanks again.

myles1

It's the humane thing to do for all concerned including the A.

Putting them out increases their chances of seeking help and increases your chances of a sane life.

Ngaire

dax

If you keep throwing them a safety net, you are enabling them to continue to drink. Now this is easier said than done. I could throw my husband out a lot easier than if I had an addicted child. To throw them out is right to do but very hard . Either way your child is at risk. dax

golden cat

Dear Dax:

My child was a 45-year-old man when I returned him to the street. At the time I had his son and was asked to leave the apartment we were living in because he would show up and raise hell and the police had to be called.

gc

DefofLov

Keep in mind that there are consequences for everything we do and life is not without struggle. The A did it to himself. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Your body and soul is the higher power's temple, you will be blessed for taking care of it. Do feel empathy for that person but do not feel guilt on your behalf.

Peace and blessing you Dear One.

~Def

Karivan

I won't go into detail but a few years ago my son went on a 3 week binge and called me from Oregon. I lived in AZ and had called the police and had him declared missing in two states. I was frantic with worry and spent the nights picturing him dead somewhere in the desert. When he called me and told me where he was, I asked him what he was going to do now?? He asked for bus money to get home and I refused. He lived on the streets in Seattle for 3 months and made it off the streets and back to AZ on his own. He now is clean (I think) and lives and works in Tucson. About a year after that he thanked me for not helping him. He said if I had helped him, he may have continued his destructive behavior. He needed the lesson.

Please don't continue to help your A. Please think of your children and grandchildren. They don't need that in their lives.

golden cat

Karivan and all the others that are responding to my posts.

Thanks so much for your love and support. I don't know if I told you that my son recovered after I refused to let him live with me. However, for four years he avoided me and did not talk to me. But I don't think he has ever forgiven me for letting him stay on the street, as your son did. We did get back to communicating with each other as mother and son, but as a result of his and the mother's addictions, the damage was already done to my grandson, now almost 18, has been in trouble with the law once and has an addiction problem and has been in juvenile detention twice and it seems everytime he gets close to being clean long enough he tests positive. My son now is very depressed, and I know that a huge amount of it is his guilt which is just eating him up.

I found out the other day when I visited my son, that knowing now that his son was going to go back to detention, I found out that he, overhearing a call from his mother, had spent the night drinking. It's just been tearing me up.

I having been reading a lot on this board and the thought came to me that instead of focusing on his pain, and my pain over his pain, I should be praying and visualizing health and wholeness for both of them. What help is it for me to become a basket case.

As your son did, he got himself off the street and recovered, but now is depressed trying to deal with his son's problems. He went a couple of times to Naranon, but seemed to feel that he would deal with the problem himself, the addiction, that is. I asked him if he ever thought about alanon. That I had when he was still on the drugs. I could have kicked myself. That was a huge trigger for his guilt.

I guess what I am trying to say is that he hurt bad enough to get off the drugs, the street, got a job, got his driver's license back and has been a responsible person and has been trying his very best to deal with his son's problems, that the hurt he is feeling now will lead him to some kind of action to really deal with the problems. That is how I am going to pray for them, and all the others that are dealing with this pain.

I am so glad your son is recovered, but he probably acknowledged that he couldn't do it by himself, not like my son, who is trying to do it himself.

Thank you so very much for being there for me.

gc