newbie93

I am a long-time viewer of this forum and first and foremost want to express how appreciative I am for what you all have shared and how much I have learned from all of you. To make a very long story short, I uncovered over a year ago that my mom had been hiding a prescription pill addiction (barbs & valium washed down with alcohol) for 30+ years. My mom, of course, emphatically denied it, my dad (the obedient enabler) stated that she had no problem, and my sister chose to stick her head in the sand and ignore it altogether. I refused to back down, particularly because I lived close to them and my children were sometimes in their care. This resulted in my dad sending me a letter telling me what a terrible person they thought I was and kicking me out of the family. A couple days later, my sister happened to be staying with them, and couldn’t deny any longer that my mom had a problem. While my parents left the house, she searched the bathroom and found my mom’s stash. Since then, my mom has been put into detox and outpatient rehab and claims to be on the road to recovery.

My family and I have since relocated over 1000 miles away due to work. I won’t lie - it has been a blessing to move away. But even though I am physically away and my mom is in recovery, I still feel like I’m struggling. And the main issue I’m struggling with is forgiveness and moving on. After my sister blew the doors off my mom’s secret, my dad apologized to me for sending the letter. My mom sent an apology letter to me and my sister (the same exact letter to each of us), which we realized was just an end of rehab exercise. I realize that I have been so hurt by their words and actions that no apology will probably make up for what has happened and certainly won’t make it go away, but I feel like the apologies I’ve received have been half-hearted at best. My dad’s apology was, “I’m sorry I sent it – I don’t know what else to tell you”.

For years, I saw my mom have seizures, lay in bed for days at a time, miss holidays, not hold down a job, slur her words, stumble around, have continuous ulcer problems, throw up in my car, crash the car, and on and on. I was always given an excuse (she’s tired, the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with her, it’s her seizure medication, etc.). I worried for so long that there was some hidden illness she had that the doctor’s couldn’t figure out. And, worst of all, she knew the truth and led me down that path anyway.
My dad, mom, and sister have since defaulted to old behaviors and act as though this whole thing never happened. Although I have my own wonderful husband and children, I sometimes feel so alone. I now have a very limited contact, surface level relationship with my parents and I think for my own well-being that is probably best for now. The betrayal of realizing that the people that you think you can trust the most are the ones you should trust the least is not something I would ever wish on anyone. I have felt incredibly angry about all of this, but I’m also afraid of letting go of my anger. I’m afraid that if I let my anger subside too much, I’ll be sucked into old dysfunctional family patterns that won’t be healthy for me. But, I’m also afraid of letting my anger consume me and ruin all of the wonderful things I have in my life (family, friends, health).

Forgiveness of them feels like such a struggle right now – I welcome anyone’s thoughts and advice. Thank you!!

happybeingme

It sounds as if you have been through a lot. I am sorry that your family is reverting to old behaviors. Unfortunately it happens a lot.

Forgiveness takes time. I am 42 and only forgave my dad about 8 years ago. It took me that long to be able to face things, accept them, forgive him and move on. Forgiving to me doesn't mean it is ok that he did what he did or that we will have a relationship. It simply means I am ready to put my anger down and walk away from the past. I also didn't tell him I forgave him. I said in my heart and sent it into the universe. I do not plan or expect to ever see or speak to him again. It would be too unhealthy to do that. But, I am at peace.

Have your anger as long as you need to, then let it go and move on. Oh and please keep sharing your feelings here. That's why we are here.

CodeJob

Hi Newbie,

Thanks for posting your story today. You might not ever get an apology from your family members that you feel in your heart is 'true.'

When I dug into my anger, at some level it was me angry at myself. It sounds like everything was status quo (mom a closet addict, dad enabled, you pointing out something is off here) until YOU had kids and their safety was an issue? As a mother yourself, I bet your concern about what was going on became more insistent.

I'd work on you and how you feel. Revel in the distance. Let them revert to their old ways without you. Can you go to a counselor? I think you probably have issues about a lack of mothering (parenting) that might be quicker to deal with in an individual setting than Al Anon.

I just think you are seeking forgiveness too early. Let anger come through and simmer a bit. It isn't a bad emotion, many women just have no idea how to handle it because we were taught it was 'bad' or not feminine.

Kialua

Here's a thread we had a while back that we all shared our views on just this sort of thing. Let me know what you think if you read it. I know how hard this is, had it happen to me. Reframing forgiveness might the key.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ve-her-no.html

Turtle82

If you're a reader, the two books that helped me the most were:

"The Road Less Traveled"
"People of the Lie"

both by Dr. M. Scott Peck

Take care of you.

newbie93

Thank you everyone for your replies and words of wisdom. I just got my copy of "People of the Lie" today. I can tell after reading the first chapter that it's going to be an intense, but necessary, read. I think a part of me still feels in denial of everything that has happened, particularly because my FOO is acting like nothing has happened. I'm angry at myself for not seeing it all sooner and then feel guilty, frustrated, and confused about how to deal with them going forward. I know it's a process and all takes some time - it's just helpful reading everyone's comments on here and knowing I'm not alone.

DoubleDragons

Hi, newbie. I feel like we have the same family! My mother is an alcoholic, my father is a classic, total denial enabler and my sister finds it more convenient to look the other way. I am impressed that you got your mother to go to rehab. My mother will probably never admit that she has a problem. I am the daughter that lives close by and whose children used to have more contact with my parents. However, lately my mom's alcoholism has gotten so out of control that I am not sure how much time we will be spending with them and my kids will never be alone with them again.

I wish I had good advice to give you, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My feelings vacillate all over the map about my FOO. I am angry, bewildered, confused, annoyed, sad, helpless, righteous, etc. etc. This year I just don't want to give to them nearly the amount of headspace that I used to give to them. I guess that will be my form of forgiveness.

Take care!!

NWGRITS

Rehab doesn't mean cured, as we all know. Since the family has fallen back on old behaviors, I'll bet that rehab amounted to a short vacation and nothing more.

Newbie, I will tell you to consider yourself fortunate for being far away. Distance makes things easier, especially when you need quiet head space. Of course, I was 3,000 miles away when I almost lost my kids to the state because my mother was drunk while she was supposed to be watching them. Yes, you're lucky that you don't really have a need for your kids to be alone with your parents. I did, but that changed in an instant and we haven't seen or talked to my mother since. Have you considered No Contact until you can get yourself set up with a therapist and work on yourself for a while?

newbie93

Double Dragons - I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing too. It definitely isn't easy.

NWGRITS - I completely agree with you that rehab doesn't mean cured and I think that is a big part of what I'm struggling with. My dad was of the opinion that she was cured by her second day in rehab and thought that everything should be as it was before. I did see a therapist for awhile prior to moving and actually had no contact with them for the first part of 2014. My dad had called me at work one day while my mom was in rehab and I had a major panic attack just hearing his voice on the phone. I knew that my body and brain were telling me that I needed a break. I saw them briefly before I moved and only now exchange emails occasionally and had a brief phone call on Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I'm thinking I may need to find a therapist locally just to help me clear my head and figure out how to proceed going forward. I don't expect my mom or any of them to change, but maybe instead of trying to forgive them, I'm really just trying to be at peace with myself for having a changed relationship with them. It's hard seeing my sister bounce back into a regular relationship with them just like before, while I feel like they are complete strangers to me now after everything that has happened.

NWGRITS

Forgiveness is for you, not them. Take all the time you need in getting there. We're here to support you 100%.

ajarlson

Therapy is a great tool and that's a good way of looking at it, to clear your head. I still go every now and then and have made a lot of progress. My therapist told me that ACoA tend to not really know how "normal" people act, so we pretend and mimic but sometimes that gets us into trouble or we get into a spot where we're unsure how we should respond. That's where I was when I got very mean phone calls from friends of my mom's (that she knew about). I wanted to cut contact but wasn't sure what the "right" thing to do was. Therapy is helping me to figure it out. It's not constant therapy anymore, I go in every now and then when I need a tune up and to clear my head of the old tapes I start hearing every now and again. Strange how crazy starts seeming normal, even now.

kudzujean

Thank you.

I think many of us from alcoholic homes think forgiveness means pretending it didn't happen, the perp suffers no consequences, and he or she just does it again and again....That's what we learned in our homes.

NWGRITS

Denial/ignoring and forgiveness certainly get confused in A homes. I used to think that forgiving meant that they got a free pass like it never happened. I would get angry when asked about the subject. I've since learned better, but it took Al-Anon and therapy to get me there.

tromboneliness

My favorite clinician -- actually, I can use his name, since he published a recovery book -- John MacDougal -- defines it thus: "Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past."

T

CodeJob

I wrote this quote in my calendar last year!

xrcher

hi.. i was moved by your story. i am also a daughter of an alcoholic mother. she lied and she hid the booze and yes , everyone turned their heads. i was the badgering daughter who always preached to her about the drinking. i never got to make peace with her because she died in December. although we spoke our relationship suffered quite a bit because of her addiction. to be honest, i am lost without her and knowing we nver made peace about the addiction. did she die thinking i was always on her and i didn't love her? i believe it's called "survivors guilt"
thank you for sharing your story. i will be following your story.

newbie93

Xrcher - I'm very sorry for your loss. As I'm discovering, these situations are not easy and, as my therapist always said, there doesn't seem to be a right way or a wrong way to deal with it. It's just whatever way is mentally healthiest for you. I wish you all the best in your recovery and am so sorry for your loss.

makomago

I've often struggled with forgiveness. I don't think its easy... like a gift to be bestowed upon the offender. But I think I once did.

What has helped me forgive my Mother is realising that she is sick. Whilst some of her hurts were malicious, I think she acted that way because she hurt too (she was sick). It is my opinion that all addicts are sick - pills, booze, gambling, drugs, people, substances, non substance - No obsession works (as a friend has said often).

In fact as I write all that, I'm not sure I have 'forgiven' my Mother. But I do accept her. That doesn't mean I want to, or will spend time with her.

I accept that she knows no other way, never did, never will, never can meet her obligations as a parent to me, because I done gone and got all growed up (of sorts).

Yeah... that's it. Acceptance is key. I think in the specific case of my mother I've gone through the stages of grief and I've got acceptance. I'm not angry at her anymore.... well 'Just for Today' :-)

Good luck Newbie93... and welcome

PurpleKnight

I definitely agree with the no right/wrong way!!

My dad was an alcoholic, my parents relationship was ruined by alcohol, and my dad died of alcohol without one ounce of remorse or verbal acknowledgement that he had a drink problem and that his decisions caused many disruptive consequences.

So there was very little to cling onto when it came to forgiveness, have I forgiven him? I'm not too sure, probably not, but the important thing for me was not forgiveness but to find peace in the fact that no one could have changed my dad's ways, that had to come from him, but at the same time I didn't let my dad's alcoholism affect my own life and the potential to have my own life.

For me that was the important thing, making peace with the situation, and until I did that my dad's alcoholism continued to affect/control/influence my own life, I was constantly thinking/worrying/stressing about it!!

The day I offloaded my dad's addiction and the consequences firmly onto his shoulders was the day I regained my own life, but that was far from the definition of forgiveness!!

My thoughts!!