Confused and sad

Old 01-09-2015, 09:39 AM
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Confused and sad

Hi all,

It's my first post on here so please be gentle!

I'm writing because I don't really have anyone else to turn to - no-one who would understand anyway. I don't really understand myself.

I've been dating a wonderful man for 6 months - and thought everything was going really well. We were up to the point of meeting each others' families, planning holidays, spending more time together, etc. However, it all changed after New Year.

I went away with friends on a pre-planned trip over the break and returned last week to strange behaviour on his part. He said he had 'something to tell me' when I got back. I assumed the worst (seeing someone else, wants to break-up, etc).

Now I'm no idiot - I knew he drank pretty much every time I saw him, we drank together on weekends and he had told me that he used to party really hard in his early twenties (drink, drugs, anything really) but that he was "over all that now". So I thought nothing of it.

Two days ago he admitted that he's an alcoholic - that a year before we met he had been in a rehab centre for 7 months to get clean (a pretty long stretch?) and had been to AA meetings before he thought he didn't need them anymore. A few months before we met he started drinking again, but only a bit - he thought he could handle it. Turns out he's been drinking every single day since we've been dating, consuming large amounts of spirits in the morning, during work (!!) and before bed to help him get to sleep. Whilst I was away he went back to the rehab centre because he couldn't take it anymore. He's been sober a week now.

I'm devastated. He's been hiding this massive part of himself from me the whole time, and for me, he's not the person I thought he was. I tried to explain this to him and he has not taken it well - I'm not sure he wants to talk or see me ever again.

What do I do? I still love him and want to make sure he's ok while he makes his recovery, but I don't think things will be the same. I didn't sign up to a relationship with an RA. Help!
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:48 AM
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Hi and welcome!!! I'm glad you're here, because you will find people who understand here.

He's been hiding this massive part of himself from me the whole time, and for me, he's not the person I thought he was. I tried to explain this to him and he has not taken it well - I'm not sure he wants to talk or see me ever again.
Hiding something that major for six months is pretty big stuff. At least I would feel like it was. I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years, and our relationship started with him hiding both his alcoholism and his mental illness until after we had gotten married and I was pregnant. So when I read your story, I think "I don't know if I could trust a person like that" -- of course, that's also partly because of my own experiences with a person lying early on in a relationship.

I think your reaction to his lies is very healthy. It says to me that you are looking for a relationship built on honesty and trust -- which is what all of us ideally want, right?

When I realized my husband was an alcoholic, I didn't really know much about alcoholism. It helped me a lot -- and it might help you -- to learn about alcoholism, and what you can expect if you choose a life together with an alcoholic.

It sounds to me like you'd like to run, but that you somehow feel responsible for making sure he's OK... Remember, he was an alcoholic and got through recovery before he met you; he doesn't NEED you to get through rehab this time. You have no obligations to him -- but you do have an obligation to yourself: To listen to the red flags and not put yourself in a position you don't want to be in.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:50 AM
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My best advice, because I have been where you are, is to cool off the relationship.

He needs to go get sober again and honestly there is nothing you can do that will help him. He needs to go to the meetings, get back to work on his program and build a sober foundation.

Move on. He has lied, you can't trust him and to be honest he can't trust himself right now. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

This is HIS problem, let him deal with it.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by baffled89 View Post
What do I do? I still love him and want to make sure he's ok while he makes his recovery, but I don't think things will be the same. I didn't sign up to a relationship with an RA. Help!
Welcome to SR!

Truthfully, there's not much you CAN do, his recovery is his to manage & control. If he's been in recovery before, he already knows this. It sounds like he didn't have much actual sober time since his stint in rehab?

I've been dating a wonderful man for 6 months
...a year before we met he had been in a rehab centre for 7 months...
A few months before we met he started drinking again
It's typically inadvisable for someone to start a new relationship during the first year of sobriety for exactly this reason - the man you met is not the man you are in a relationship with.

He lied to you for 6 months & is upset with YOU? Think about that..... (((hugs)))
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:53 AM
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I didn't sign up to a relationship with an RA.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
it appears you have answered your own question here.

Thinking your sadness has more to do with the compromise of your own standards, and partly his omissions, the fancy word for LIES.

This may not be what you want to hear, but be grateful it was only 6 short months you invested, and not 6 or 16 years. I am sorry, life does throw us curveballs at times.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by baffled89 View Post
...I didn't sign up to a relationship with an RA. Help!
I think you already know what you don't need.

I believe the world is full of blessings and opportunities. In my case, I've been involved in the disease my whole life and it's hard.

I'm not judging or comparing but 6 months of testing the waters and knowing it's not for you sounds much better than 40 years of crazy **** beyond your imagination.

20/20 is great and I'd be counting this as a blessing and moving on.
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Old 01-09-2015, 10:08 AM
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Thanks so much for your quick and thoughtful responses, I've been reading through the forum on and off all day and knew I'd come to the right place

Marie1960 you're absolutely right of course - it's quite difficult for me to accept that I have been lied to for so long. He had convinced himself that it wasn't lying, and tried to convince me of it too. He even said that he had told his mum to leave out details when we met.

I'm only 25, so I will get over this in time I'm sure. I think I just needed to hear what I've been thinking myself said back to me, if that makes sense?
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Old 01-09-2015, 10:12 AM
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If you've said how you feel, I think it is OK to stay away and let him take charge of his own recovery.

He has not been honest with you pretty much from Day 1 so you have no obligation here.
If he is "offended" that's pretty much his problem from where I sit.

You're right, you didn't sign up for this and quite frankly you don't even know who this
person is sober.

I'm sorry this happened--what a shock.
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Old 01-09-2015, 10:45 AM
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You can expect more lies and manipulation if you stay. The hard truth is that he cares much more about getting high than he does about you and he will do what it takes to protect his ability to do so. It will get worse...this is just the beginning. Good luck to you. Look up gas lighting...
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Old 01-09-2015, 11:11 AM
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Welcome baffled! Great name!

There are several people on these boards who have handled the disease of addiction with their partner, but not the lying. It's the lying that kills the trust in the relationship.
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Old 01-09-2015, 03:45 PM
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Hi: You sound like a smart, brave young woman. I agree with the other posters. It is so wise of you to research this disease. In my current situation with my 22 year old son, is letting him go, and not to engage with him (and he is my son!)

In my opinion, you did answer your own question. You didn't sign up for this. Alcoholics are full of drama and manipulation. He will most likely drag you down, and suck the life out of you, it will be all about him. You hang in there. I had an ex alkie boyfriend, years ago, we had fun drinking, going out, etc. he claimed he loved me after 6 weeks, then I found out he had been married 3xs and had 2 DUIs, and was seeing another woman besides me. I was dumbfounded. I tried to "fix him." Well, it didn't work, and I thank God I moved on...now married to a wonderful man, who does not drink at all!!!
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Old 01-09-2015, 06:54 PM
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B- Run and run fast!! Loving an addict is not an easy thing to do. Since it has only been 6 months I would get out and don't look back. I stayed with mine for almost 34 years and finally couldn't take it any longer. Please don't be like me.

Run and run Fast!!
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