dissapointed 3 year old
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dissapointed 3 year old
So when I first left Exabf, I figured he had the possibility of going two directions with dd. The first one he was going to stick to the schedule like an A student to see her. And, at first he had. The second possibility of course, was that he would end up being too busy.
The past 3 weeks in a row he has skipped out on 1 of 2 of their weekly dinner visits. The first 2 were because of his work schedule. Then yesterday he called saying his car didn't have heat and if I could pick her up. I said sure, and did he want to meet somewhere so he could see her. Well then he kind of fumbled around with an answer. Then later he called and confirmed he wouldn't be able to make it because supposedly when he got a new radiator installed (not within the past 2 months btw) they never "screwed it in" so its just been rattling around under the hood. .....what?
And really, I'm thankful that he is showing his true colors before we go back to finalize the custody agreement. And I'm thankful to see less and less of him myself. But DD was excited to go to ballet yesterday ONLY because she knew that her dad usually met up with us afterwards so they could go to dinner. Her poor little face when I told her he wasn't coming was so sad. I told her he had a belly ache...since at 3 thats more comprehensible than a radiator issue.
The past 3 weeks in a row he has skipped out on 1 of 2 of their weekly dinner visits. The first 2 were because of his work schedule. Then yesterday he called saying his car didn't have heat and if I could pick her up. I said sure, and did he want to meet somewhere so he could see her. Well then he kind of fumbled around with an answer. Then later he called and confirmed he wouldn't be able to make it because supposedly when he got a new radiator installed (not within the past 2 months btw) they never "screwed it in" so its just been rattling around under the hood. .....what?
And really, I'm thankful that he is showing his true colors before we go back to finalize the custody agreement. And I'm thankful to see less and less of him myself. But DD was excited to go to ballet yesterday ONLY because she knew that her dad usually met up with us afterwards so they could go to dinner. Her poor little face when I told her he wasn't coming was so sad. I told her he had a belly ache...since at 3 thats more comprehensible than a radiator issue.
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 
So when I first left Exabf, I figured he had the possibility of going two directions with dd. The first one he was going to stick to the schedule like an A student to see her. And, at first he had. The second possibility of course, was that he would end up being too busy.
The past 3 weeks in a row he has skipped out on 1 of 2 of their weekly dinner visits. The first 2 were because of his work schedule. Then yesterday he called saying his car didn't have heat and if I could pick her up. I said sure, and did he want to meet somewhere so he could see her. Well then he kind of fumbled around with an answer. Then later he called and confirmed he wouldn't be able to make it because supposedly when he got a new radiator installed (not within the past 2 months btw) they never "screwed it in" so its just been rattling around under the hood. .....what?
And really, I'm thankful that he is showing his true colors before we go back to finalize the custody agreement. And I'm thankful to see less and less of him myself. But DD was excited to go to ballet yesterday ONLY because she knew that her dad usually met up with us afterwards so they could go to dinner. Her poor little face when I told her he wasn't coming was so sad. I told her he had a belly ache...since at 3 thats more comprehensible than a radiator issue.
The past 3 weeks in a row he has skipped out on 1 of 2 of their weekly dinner visits. The first 2 were because of his work schedule. Then yesterday he called saying his car didn't have heat and if I could pick her up. I said sure, and did he want to meet somewhere so he could see her. Well then he kind of fumbled around with an answer. Then later he called and confirmed he wouldn't be able to make it because supposedly when he got a new radiator installed (not within the past 2 months btw) they never "screwed it in" so its just been rattling around under the hood. .....what?
And really, I'm thankful that he is showing his true colors before we go back to finalize the custody agreement. And I'm thankful to see less and less of him myself. But DD was excited to go to ballet yesterday ONLY because she knew that her dad usually met up with us afterwards so they could go to dinner. Her poor little face when I told her he wasn't coming was so sad. I told her he had a belly ache...since at 3 thats more comprehensible than a radiator issue.
I have a 6 and 9 year old (DD's too) who were horribly let down over xmas break by my own idiot xAH and while I expect it and dont feel upset with him myself, it BREAKS my heart to see them hurt bc no matter how much I do not build up their hopes, seeing them waiting, bags packed, believing the tales he told about taking them snow tubing and then failing to show, it is painful to see...
I hope he wont fight the custody issue and will just leave your DD alone so that she doesnt have to grow up being constantly disappointed... Poor kids...
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Sending hugs for you and Little Blossom. I remember that time so well. DS was 3 yo when we left AXH, too. You're doing so much better with this than I did. I guess, I just want to caution about lying to Little Blossom about the reasons her dad isn't showing up. I did it at first, too, but it blew up once: I'd told DS that AXH had had to work, and then the next time AXH actually came to get DS, he went on and on about the rugby game he went to. Yes, DS was mad at AXH, but he didn't show AXH how hurt he was. (I'm guessing-but AXH bragged on what an excellent boy he has, so I know DS didn't act out with him.) When he got home, though, DS cried and threw a tantrum and was just generally nasty, which got him sent to bed. I went in to talk with him after he'd calmed down and he let me know that he knew I LIED.
So, I made a very conscious effort to stop covering for AXH. If I didn't know why AXH didn't show, I told him I didn't know (which was most of the time--I had suspicions, but didn't *know*). If the idiot texted me that he was going to a rugby game instead, I told DS that his dad went to a rugby game instead. If I suspected that AXH lied about what he was doing (that *tone* just gave him away sometimes), I'd tell DS, "IDK... Dad said he's ____." DS was hurt, yes, but he was able to start trusting that I'd tell him the truth.
He's 10 now. We haven't seen his father at all in 2, almost 3, years. I hope DS knows that he can trust me to answer his questions honestly, even if they pertain to his father. And I'm hoping that will help him trust that he can talk with me when he's a teenager.
Hugs again.
So, I made a very conscious effort to stop covering for AXH. If I didn't know why AXH didn't show, I told him I didn't know (which was most of the time--I had suspicions, but didn't *know*). If the idiot texted me that he was going to a rugby game instead, I told DS that his dad went to a rugby game instead. If I suspected that AXH lied about what he was doing (that *tone* just gave him away sometimes), I'd tell DS, "IDK... Dad said he's ____." DS was hurt, yes, but he was able to start trusting that I'd tell him the truth.
He's 10 now. We haven't seen his father at all in 2, almost 3, years. I hope DS knows that he can trust me to answer his questions honestly, even if they pertain to his father. And I'm hoping that will help him trust that he can talk with me when he's a teenager.
Hugs again.
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Best thing to do is document, document, document. If texts be sure to save. This proved to be invaluable to my daughter when she was in custody discussions. Keep your calendar updated with the days he has missed and a note as to what he said/did in communications with you. Best to have text conversations with him as you can document dates/times with that. My ex son in law is still missing lots of contacts and my daughter continues to keep meticulous records. Its a crazy train for sure and the kids do have to learn to cope. My gdaughter is in counseling which is giving her skills for dealing with daddy. Sad, but the way it is. (she was 5 when this started and is 8 now, still in counseling which has been wonderful for her)
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Don't lie to her. That's going to come back to bite you later. Be honest and say he's not coming. If she asks why, just say he's not coming, but that you can still go do xyz with her. Do not lie. That just perpetuates the sickness of keeping secrets and lies, and it keeps you and her engaged in the madness.
I see a lot of anger at fathers. It's not just men who can be ****** alcoholic parents, either. Easy on the man-bashing. Women are just as capable of being useless alcoholic no-shows. My mother was the perfect example of that.
I see a lot of anger at fathers. It's not just men who can be ****** alcoholic parents, either. Easy on the man-bashing. Women are just as capable of being useless alcoholic no-shows. My mother was the perfect example of that.
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Don't lie to her.
Don't bash, omit or add anything to indicate what you believe is the truth but don't hide it from her either.
As she gets older she will see her for herself if his car is broken or if he is just saying his car is broken.
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Thank you everyone, I didn't even think about what lying would do in the future, I was just focused on her feelings right then. Next time I will be more up front. I surely don't want her thinking that lying to cover for someone is a good habit.
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I feel it also has to do with shame.
Many times we, myself included, feel shame because we have an alcoholic spouse, parent, sibling or child. We hide that fact from others even though in reality, we have done nothing wrong.
Sometimes we do it because we just don’t want to discuss it with others that we are not close to and sometimes to protect the active alcoholic or addict. We are embarrassed and ashamed for them and the result is we make excuses for them and we lie to protect them.
If you don’t want her to have this happen then I think being open and honest, as her age allows, is the best course of action.
You don't want her to think you are protecting him. I know you were protecting her, but I she may not feel that way ten years from now. She may feel you were deceiving her and you don't want that to happen.
Open and honest, I believe, is the way to handle it, to a point. Some things children should be shielded from until they are older. Adult problems stay with adults.
Many times we, myself included, feel shame because we have an alcoholic spouse, parent, sibling or child. We hide that fact from others even though in reality, we have done nothing wrong.
Sometimes we do it because we just don’t want to discuss it with others that we are not close to and sometimes to protect the active alcoholic or addict. We are embarrassed and ashamed for them and the result is we make excuses for them and we lie to protect them.
If you don’t want her to have this happen then I think being open and honest, as her age allows, is the best course of action.
You don't want her to think you are protecting him. I know you were protecting her, but I she may not feel that way ten years from now. She may feel you were deceiving her and you don't want that to happen.
Open and honest, I believe, is the way to handle it, to a point. Some things children should be shielded from until they are older. Adult problems stay with adults.
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Originally Posted by GracieLou
Don't bash, omit or add anything to indicate what you believe is the truth but don't hide it from her either.
I want to say it gets easier, but I think it's like the Rose Kennedy quote:
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
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I'm sorry... Hugs. It hurts to see little ones have to deal with stuff like this. I don't understand it myself, so I know little girls don't. Just love her all you can. One of these days she is going to see for herself why he isn't around. That's what I tell myself anyway. My dd is 3 also and her dad is extremely hit and miss. Until I absolutely know that he is coming to see her, I don't even tell her. She loves him so much. I'm sure that your dd does too. It breaks my heart for children because they just don't understand why their parent isn't there.
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Sadly, I think if she asks if he is going to be somewhere I would just say, "I don't know." Eventually she won't even expect him to be anymore. It's horrible to see them hurt.
I got a text from my 9 yr old DD last night. I asked her how she was doing at dads, she said, "I am mad, and I am sad." Apparently he was being his same old manipulative a$$ that he is. It just breaks my heart.
Tight hugs to you and baby Blossom!!
I got a text from my 9 yr old DD last night. I asked her how she was doing at dads, she said, "I am mad, and I am sad." Apparently he was being his same old manipulative a$$ that he is. It just breaks my heart.
Tight hugs to you and baby Blossom!!
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