charis78

I was stupid enough to start talking again with my ex around Christmas. When I brought up how his abandonment and his inability to talk about where he stands made me feel he gets so angry or withdraws again. He told me I know nothing about love and my understanding of love comes from TV shows. He told me my friendships were superficial at best, that I was superficial, that I was so highschool. He tells me I need a shrink, that I need a mood stabilizer etc. I ask him why he does this an he says I started it by insulting him first. How is me saying I feel unloved an insult. I don't understand why he attacks me like this and if he feels this way why does he bother talking to me at all. When I said this he tells me I'm acting like an f'ing baby, that I'm just as mean towards him and he's giving me a taste of my own medicine. The thing is I'm not mean to him. He's back to ignoring me now which makes me feel like I'm the bad one.

charis78

The one thing I did wrong is I sent the text about how I felt while he was at work. He claimed he felt harassed by the four texts

freetosmile

I know all too well what it feels like to be attacked emotionally. Thank God this person is your ex now. You don't have to deal with this anymore. But it also sounds like you are crossing over to his side of the street maybe a little. If the relationship is over, then it's over and you should start focusing on YOU.

Technically we should all be focusing on ourselves, even while we are IN the relationship. Especially while we are in the relationship.

But you have an opportunity for a new life without this crap. So seize the day!

I've been going to alanon and therapy and it has helped me sooooo much. The kind folks here at SR are a God sent and I am on this site alll the time. I am learning about alcoholism and abuse so that I can have more tools in my toolbox to help change MY life, not the A's.

So sorry you had to hear those hurtful words. Maybe going back to no contact is a good way to prevent that behavior.

Hugs

dandylion

Charis....It is not uncommon for a person in an abusive or neglectful relationship to want "healing" from the same person who has done the hurting. But, they will never give it to you...probably aren't even capable, anyway.

You will hear a saying: "Don't go to a hardware store for a loaf of bread". This is what they are talking about.

It sounds like you are still doing the "dance" with him. As long as you engage with him, you will end up on the wrong end of the stick.

My suggestion....bite the bullet and go no contact with him. Take him off your radar.
It will be short-term pain for long-term gain. No contact=no new pain.

sorry.....

dandylion

atalose

He is showing you where he stands - your just not listening YET.

charis78

Where does he stand?

wanttobehealthy

In a healthy relationship, sharing how you feel, stating your needs, and wanting to be heard and cared for and respected is NORMAL.

An A telling you that you need mood stabilzers is a massive quack.

A's use alcohol to numb and avoid feelings... And they have no empathy for others feelings... My abusive, xAH who is as narcissistic as he is a drunk, used to LOVE to tell me to get mood stabilizers ANYTIME I dared express any feeling at all. If I was happy I was manic, if I was sad I was depressed. Any emotion whatsoever got me "go get a mood stabilizer".

It seriously must be in the loser A playbook of crap to say.

You're sane. You have a right to express your feelings. You have a right to be heard.

Your A partner is abusive emotionally to say what he does. He doesnt allow for your feelings or anyone's...

You aren't wrong to be seeking the things you want -- just not going to find them with or from him...

atalose

Not committed to a relationship that you wish he would be.

lillamy

No contact = no new hurts. But you know that now.

GracieLou

I read this on here and I think I will never forget it.

When it comes to dealing with active addicts and alcoholics, you need to make your own closure.

I found this to be so true. It does not matter if it not officially closed as in a divorce, separation or just a plan ole break up. I still need to move on. Emotionally and if need be, physically.

I can't ask or expect someone else to love me just because I love them. I can't expect them to care about me the way I care about them. I can't expect them to react or act the way I do, they are not me.

I am only responsible for me. As long as you continue to engage with him then this sort of interaction will continue. Nothing has changed. He is not going to suddenly understand. He is not capable of understanding or giving you anything positive.

Best to let him go and work on you. I know its hard. We all wanted things to be different and we all have hope they may change but in the mean time I needed to stop waiting for that to happen and start living my life.

Turtle82

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but, really, four texts? And, apparently, guilt-trip ones? That would make me angry too. Once I got through reading, I would have to remind myself that even justified anger is deadly for me. Was he wrong to let go on you? Yes, of course it was but, really, you have to look at your own responsibility in that. People, alcoholic or not, have boundaries. For me, anyone guilt-tripping me is a crossed boundary.

Until you've resolved your own pain and anger, it pretty simple really.... Don't talk to him and that includes AT him in the form of texts. Focus on healing your pain and anger instead of blaming him. Focus on forgiveness... that's for you.. not him.

As I said, I don't mean to sound harsh, the way I talk doesn't mean I don't care. I do and I hope you find peace. ((((hugs))))

charis78

I wasn't guilt tripping him

amy55

Charis,

As I was reading this it reminded me of my marriage. I am divorced. My ex got like that all the time. I spent so much time trying to figure out why he got like that. He actually did tell me, but I found it so inconceivably "nuts" that I didn't believe it. I mean after all, I was just trying to tell him how I felt, and what I needed. I wasn't being rude, I was telling him that I loved him, and what I need from him is ________________.

You can fill in the blank with anything you want. It didn't matter what I said.

I am not telling you any of this so that you can try to fix him, you can't.

I think I am only telling you this to help you get out of the "fog".

My ex had told me that he does not like it when someone is upset or angry with him, or even saying things like I feel unloved. It made him feel bad, and then it made him mad. It also told me that when he is mad, then the other person is the enemy, and he can do or say anything to take the enemy out. Then you "get over" things, and have sex so that he can show me how much he loves me.

Now, I didn't believe a word of this because this thinking is "bonkers". The things your ex said to you, were the exact things my ex said to me.

I then looked back on all the times I tried to express how I felt. It had always started a fight, or resulted in him refusing to speak to me, or running away from home. I had asked him why he would get so angry at me if I was sad, he told me if it had to do with him making me sad, that got him mad. Asked him why he got mad at me if I was happy, the reply to this was that if I was happy, and it didn't have to do with him, that got him mad also. I asked him about well what about the times that I was in just a so-so mood. He told me that it got him mad because I should be happy being with him.

I don't think you want a life like that, where the the universe just circles around him, and your thoughts, your opinions, your view, your feelings don't matter at all if they do not agree with his.

Your feelings don't matter to him. He is emotionally unavailable. He is only capable of thinking of himself.

Oh, and you calling him trying to have a discussion with him, it's going to make him mad, because he doesn't want to hear about your feelings, that just makes him mad.

I hope this helps you to detach, it's the only reason that I wrote this.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Hawkeye13

I agree with No Contact.

Clearly, you are not able to interact in a non-toxic way with each other
so it is best to move on and let yourself heal.

Sorry you are feeling hurt, but someone talking that way to you is hurtful.
I wouldn't set myself up for any more of that treatment.

Block his number and let it go.

GracieLou

Can I ask then what you thought he would say or do?

Did you think he had changed even though he has done nothing to change?

NWGRITS

This right here. He's your EX, yet you felt the need to text him about how his issues made you feel neglected, yada yada yada. That's a guilt trip. You were fishing for a reaction from him, hoping he would change and save you from his hurt. As your ex. I don't see why contacting him was even necessary in the first place. No contact= no new hurts.

charis78

He initiated contact and we were talking for two weeks. Then I told him how I felt.

GracieLou

Again, what did you think would happen, what did you think he would say?

Did he make any changes? Is he sober, working a program?

Even if he has made some changes and he is working a program, it does not change overnight. It can take a long time for them to see their part.

Their problems are of their own making but they don't see that, they think that you are the problem and until they get sober and work a recovery program for a while, that is not going to change.

Tell us how you feel, not him.

charis78

He was suppose to go into AA after he left me at the hospital. Whether he continued or not is beyond me. If I brought that up I get a far worse reaction so I don't bother.

I guess I thought he missed me enough to try harder. He used to be sweet before. The funny thing is I was detaching and happy. 98% of me didn't want to bother texting with him but I did

Hawkeye13

Lesson learned charis

Block him, delete his number from your phone, and get on with a wonderful life.
His recovery is up to him, and no longer your worry or your problem.