Coping with abandonment
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Coping with abandonment
I know that some of you all are currently in your relationship with your A, some have left their A, and in some cases the A has left us. Regardless of the situation we have all still been "abandoned" for alcohol.
My question is how does one "cope" with abandonment? I am looking for concrete examples and explanations, please. My A left me after 5 years together so that he could "be happy", build his new house, and run his family company without me "nagging and hating" him anymore. He said I needed help and he's not happy with me anymore. Said he can't do it anymore. He's a high functioning addict (drinks at night and on the weekends and does cocaine just about every weekend; he's 42 years old, also uses steroids, and was born with a heart valve disorder--bicuspid aortic valve, has 2 valves instead of 3, but doc swears he's perfectly healthy. I can't help but think the blow and booze and steroids aren't good for his heart, but anyway I digress).
For the last 5 days I have sobbed, crawled into a ball, kicked my legs in bed to alleviate the grief, had nightmares, slept in the fetal position and missed work appointments. I'm a 37 year old professional, and feel like a 5 year old child right now (completely vulnerable and broken).
Sorry if my posts seem redundant. I am in the throes of grief right now and missing him like CRAZY and just curious how did you all deal with abandonment? Thank you. I'm still in bed and should be at work...
My question is how does one "cope" with abandonment? I am looking for concrete examples and explanations, please. My A left me after 5 years together so that he could "be happy", build his new house, and run his family company without me "nagging and hating" him anymore. He said I needed help and he's not happy with me anymore. Said he can't do it anymore. He's a high functioning addict (drinks at night and on the weekends and does cocaine just about every weekend; he's 42 years old, also uses steroids, and was born with a heart valve disorder--bicuspid aortic valve, has 2 valves instead of 3, but doc swears he's perfectly healthy. I can't help but think the blow and booze and steroids aren't good for his heart, but anyway I digress).
For the last 5 days I have sobbed, crawled into a ball, kicked my legs in bed to alleviate the grief, had nightmares, slept in the fetal position and missed work appointments. I'm a 37 year old professional, and feel like a 5 year old child right now (completely vulnerable and broken).
Sorry if my posts seem redundant. I am in the throes of grief right now and missing him like CRAZY and just curious how did you all deal with abandonment? Thank you. I'm still in bed and should be at work...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Therapy, combined with the acknowledgement that dealing with abandonment issues is a longer journey than grieving a relationship.
I know how you feel, and I'm sorry for how much it hurts. For me, the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
I know how you feel, and I'm sorry for how much it hurts. For me, the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I joined a gym and worked out, took long steams and saunas while there to cry in peace.
I also took long walks in the forest and would often cry or yell when alone there to release pain.
I also have found Yoga excellent for just about any kind of stress, including relationship pain.
I had lots of abandonment issues from my father leaving when I was three weeks old,
to my mother's drinking and emotional "come here, let me hurt you, now go away or I will" treatment.
Try signing up for a series of Yoga classes if you can, and get out of bed.
It really will help, but you will be surprised how stiff you are at first and how certain
positions (especially hip openers) really trigger emotional release.
I also took long walks in the forest and would often cry or yell when alone there to release pain.
I also have found Yoga excellent for just about any kind of stress, including relationship pain.
I had lots of abandonment issues from my father leaving when I was three weeks old,
to my mother's drinking and emotional "come here, let me hurt you, now go away or I will" treatment.
Try signing up for a series of Yoga classes if you can, and get out of bed.
It really will help, but you will be surprised how stiff you are at first and how certain
positions (especially hip openers) really trigger emotional release.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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It was different for me because I experienced that abandonment while still married. It wasn't that he left me physically in that way, he just left me emotionally. Very early on in the marriage. I never really experienced that grief of abandonment, I felt more like "oh crap, I married a man who's got some severe problems" and then I set out to "fix him"... which, you know, was just as useful as curling up in a fetal position and crying.
I also think, from my readings here and my experiences in Al-Anon, that we come to relationships with different levels of fear of abandonment. For me, that is not something that's overwhelming -- but I know for a lot of my friends it is. I'm sure you'll get people commenting who have more useful things to say, but have you thought about earlier relationships, and whether fear of abandonment is a recurring theme for you?
I also think, from my readings here and my experiences in Al-Anon, that we come to relationships with different levels of fear of abandonment. For me, that is not something that's overwhelming -- but I know for a lot of my friends it is. I'm sure you'll get people commenting who have more useful things to say, but have you thought about earlier relationships, and whether fear of abandonment is a recurring theme for you?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Hey Jodie-
Get up girlie! Go take a shower, put on your make-up, draw back the curtains, and take a nice deep breath! Actually, take the nice deep breath FIRST!
You've been down in the dumps for the past couple days now. I understand that ache in your soul that is unrelenting. I really do.
You DO need help, but not in the way your A was saying. You need to realize that the sun is shining. It may not be shining in your neck of the woods today...but above all the clouds, there is a sun up there! This is going to get better. It really will.
Don't for ONE second think that your A is happy. They are NEVER happy. They are never going to be healthy while actively drinking.
But hey, the good news is that YOU can be happy and healthy! YOU have the CHOICE to BE that way. I know in the acute phase of grieving that it doesn't seem that way. But you've been lingering in the acute for days now and you need to get to work. You need to look in the mirror and say "I've got A LOT to offer the world".
My T told me to stand in front of the mirror EVERY morning and tell myself "I love you". Sounds RIDICULOUS! But hey, guess what...it's NOT everyone else's responsibility to love me. That job belongs to me and my HP. So I'm doing it.
My son ( 8 years old at the time) wrote a reminder note to himself last year the night before a field trip. He wanted to make sure that he didn't forget his lunch.
The note said " TJ- don't forget your lunch AND to put on socks--love you- TJ"
It was SO profound to me that he was telling himself that he loved him. WOW! How much we can learn from children. They are so smart!!
You need to tell yourself this. This man hasn't treated you right, now it's up to you to treat yourself right. You don't need his ******** anyway. You deserve better!!
hugs
Get up girlie! Go take a shower, put on your make-up, draw back the curtains, and take a nice deep breath! Actually, take the nice deep breath FIRST!
You've been down in the dumps for the past couple days now. I understand that ache in your soul that is unrelenting. I really do.
You DO need help, but not in the way your A was saying. You need to realize that the sun is shining. It may not be shining in your neck of the woods today...but above all the clouds, there is a sun up there! This is going to get better. It really will.
Don't for ONE second think that your A is happy. They are NEVER happy. They are never going to be healthy while actively drinking.
But hey, the good news is that YOU can be happy and healthy! YOU have the CHOICE to BE that way. I know in the acute phase of grieving that it doesn't seem that way. But you've been lingering in the acute for days now and you need to get to work. You need to look in the mirror and say "I've got A LOT to offer the world".
My T told me to stand in front of the mirror EVERY morning and tell myself "I love you". Sounds RIDICULOUS! But hey, guess what...it's NOT everyone else's responsibility to love me. That job belongs to me and my HP. So I'm doing it.
My son ( 8 years old at the time) wrote a reminder note to himself last year the night before a field trip. He wanted to make sure that he didn't forget his lunch.
The note said " TJ- don't forget your lunch AND to put on socks--love you- TJ"
It was SO profound to me that he was telling himself that he loved him. WOW! How much we can learn from children. They are so smart!!
You need to tell yourself this. This man hasn't treated you right, now it's up to you to treat yourself right. You don't need his ******** anyway. You deserve better!!
hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From reading your earlier posts, it seems that you, like me, have been in a dysfunction relationship with a man who is an abuser as well an alcoholic. For me, after 20 years, I had lost my capacity to think for myself and saw most of the world through my husband's lense. Therefore, I became convinced that what he said was true: he was smarter, more powerful, always right, and worthy of the dominace I accorded him.
Once we believe that, we are reduced to functioning as a subordinate, and we lose trust in ourselves and our ability to make our own way, manage our own life. We fall prey to our narcissistic partner's grandiose belief that they are rightfully in charge of our own lives because they know better, are better people than misguided us.
Then, when something so outrageous happens that we are forced to leave - or they pre-emptively leave us - we have been conditioned to believe that we can not function without them.
That is why I think that SparkleKitty has hit the nail on the head:
the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship
When we first leave or are rejected, our kneejerk reaction is to blame ourselves and believe, as we were intended to believe, that our life is over without our better half/captor.
The first sign of recovery, for me, was regaining enough of my own identity to make the transition from that to what SparkleKitty talks about - "Why did I let myself be in this damaging relationship"?
Then comes the beginning of the long, introspective, and ultimately very freeing internal dialogue of "Who am I, and who do I want to grow into to be the best, happiest me that I can be?"
So initially, take care of yourself in everyway imaginable; you have been through and are in the midst of great trauma and you need to be supported and comforted.
I had to trust people here on SR because I had no idea of how vicious and destructive my XH's abuse was; it seemed normal to me. I kept listening to people here, and my psychiatrist, and my grown children, telling me that I had escaped with my life and better times were ahead.
Gradually I began to understand what they were saying, but then the insight would vanish again, and I'd be back to feeling the most severe loss I had ever felt. Initially, I had to trust that other trusted people in my life had a better perspective than I did on the devastation of how I had been living in such abuse.
Lots of people gave me incredible support, insight, and sometimes just INSISTED that I listen to them, not my warped internal voice that kept saying that I had lost my life when I left my husband. You might want to search on my screenname, and find some of the earlier threads I started and read the responses and take in the insight that I was offered.
Try to get your actions on auto-pilot, and do what you have to do. Go to work, perform well, keep the routine of productivity going as strong as possible in the parts of your life that did function well. I'd suggest seeing a therapist, perhaps a doctor if you need medication for a while for the intensity of grief and depression that can come with this transition. Join Alanon, and post here as often as you want, no matter how repetitive your posts seem to you. It takes retraining our thoughts and emotions to make this transition, and you need the insight from others over and over until gradually, you will get it.
Google "narcissism" and see what you find. Dr. Sam Vaknin, a self labeled narcissist, has done a series of videos on how narcissists think and act and I found them devastatingly similar to what I had lived through. If that seems like what you've been living with, the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is great. It is possible that you have been gaslighted; you might also google "Stockholm syndrome".
Find a psychiatrist or therapist with extensive experience in trauma recovery. For me, as I wrestled with the abandonment that came from losing my now XH, it surfaced abandonment from my abusive and alcoholic parents. There is a book called Breaking the Betrayal Bond that is very perceptive about identifying the underlying abandonment issues we have that lead us to choose such an abusive partner.
Long term, for me, this has been the most freeing fulfilling journey of my life, and I see that in your future, too. PM me if you want.
ShootingStar1
Once we believe that, we are reduced to functioning as a subordinate, and we lose trust in ourselves and our ability to make our own way, manage our own life. We fall prey to our narcissistic partner's grandiose belief that they are rightfully in charge of our own lives because they know better, are better people than misguided us.
Then, when something so outrageous happens that we are forced to leave - or they pre-emptively leave us - we have been conditioned to believe that we can not function without them.
That is why I think that SparkleKitty has hit the nail on the head:
the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship
When we first leave or are rejected, our kneejerk reaction is to blame ourselves and believe, as we were intended to believe, that our life is over without our better half/captor.
The first sign of recovery, for me, was regaining enough of my own identity to make the transition from that to what SparkleKitty talks about - "Why did I let myself be in this damaging relationship"?
Then comes the beginning of the long, introspective, and ultimately very freeing internal dialogue of "Who am I, and who do I want to grow into to be the best, happiest me that I can be?"
So initially, take care of yourself in everyway imaginable; you have been through and are in the midst of great trauma and you need to be supported and comforted.
I had to trust people here on SR because I had no idea of how vicious and destructive my XH's abuse was; it seemed normal to me. I kept listening to people here, and my psychiatrist, and my grown children, telling me that I had escaped with my life and better times were ahead.
Gradually I began to understand what they were saying, but then the insight would vanish again, and I'd be back to feeling the most severe loss I had ever felt. Initially, I had to trust that other trusted people in my life had a better perspective than I did on the devastation of how I had been living in such abuse.
Lots of people gave me incredible support, insight, and sometimes just INSISTED that I listen to them, not my warped internal voice that kept saying that I had lost my life when I left my husband. You might want to search on my screenname, and find some of the earlier threads I started and read the responses and take in the insight that I was offered.
Try to get your actions on auto-pilot, and do what you have to do. Go to work, perform well, keep the routine of productivity going as strong as possible in the parts of your life that did function well. I'd suggest seeing a therapist, perhaps a doctor if you need medication for a while for the intensity of grief and depression that can come with this transition. Join Alanon, and post here as often as you want, no matter how repetitive your posts seem to you. It takes retraining our thoughts and emotions to make this transition, and you need the insight from others over and over until gradually, you will get it.
Google "narcissism" and see what you find. Dr. Sam Vaknin, a self labeled narcissist, has done a series of videos on how narcissists think and act and I found them devastatingly similar to what I had lived through. If that seems like what you've been living with, the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is great. It is possible that you have been gaslighted; you might also google "Stockholm syndrome".
Find a psychiatrist or therapist with extensive experience in trauma recovery. For me, as I wrestled with the abandonment that came from losing my now XH, it surfaced abandonment from my abusive and alcoholic parents. There is a book called Breaking the Betrayal Bond that is very perceptive about identifying the underlying abandonment issues we have that lead us to choose such an abusive partner.
Long term, for me, this has been the most freeing fulfilling journey of my life, and I see that in your future, too. PM me if you want.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 207
There's a book called "the journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson. I also started exercising which I think is the most helpful bc it makes you feel better about yourself (just a 30 minute walk a day is all I
Do due to recovering from heart surgery) talking on here helped. Also I got a new puppy who rescued me more than I rescued him. It does get better i promise and as people on here told me when you are more distanced from it your perspective will change, it does and it's almost freeing.
Do due to recovering from heart surgery) talking on here helped. Also I got a new puppy who rescued me more than I rescued him. It does get better i promise and as people on here told me when you are more distanced from it your perspective will change, it does and it's almost freeing.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
"It wasn't that he left me physically in that way, he just left me emotionally. Very early on in the marriage. "
^This. It took me a long time to see through my denial and realize I could never be his número uno...that spot had been taken, since he was a teenager, by drugs and alcohol.
It hurts when you want to be loved by someone who truly can't show you healthy love....but once you accept that they are incapable it's easier to see the insane nature of wasting your energy on an impossibility...over and over again. This realization made it easier for me to move on.
I really took to heart the three C's "You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it" this realization helped me to focus on my myself....someone I can control and cure.
Talking helped me SO much. I talked it out to my closest friends and family, on SR where people truly understand, and to a therapist. I moved to a peaceful town. I joined a gym. I went for many, many walks on nature trails. I listened to motivational talks on YouTube, I listened to music. I cuddled with my cat.
Basically I had a void. I started choosing to fill it with things the were good for me. good...for....me. One little step at a time. There were days when all I could manage was a shower. I was severely depressed and traumatized. There's a saying "When going through hell, keep going" I think this applies here...even if it is tiny step by tiny step.
I believe you said in a previous post that your hair was falling out from the stress. I can relate. I was in my late 20's and was starting to develop health issues from the continual barrage of stress. Most of them have cleared up now after removing myself from the stressful toxic person. Imagine that! My best friend kept saying "your young now and look at what's happening to your health. Imagine what will happen if you stay for another 10 years, 20 years. I love you and don't want to see that happen to you" This thought scared me and caused me to think very deeply...i had never considered this....I finally realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life, my body and mind, for someone who actually didn't even appreciate me. What was I thinking!? It was a real wakeup call.
^This. It took me a long time to see through my denial and realize I could never be his número uno...that spot had been taken, since he was a teenager, by drugs and alcohol.
It hurts when you want to be loved by someone who truly can't show you healthy love....but once you accept that they are incapable it's easier to see the insane nature of wasting your energy on an impossibility...over and over again. This realization made it easier for me to move on.
I really took to heart the three C's "You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it" this realization helped me to focus on my myself....someone I can control and cure.
Talking helped me SO much. I talked it out to my closest friends and family, on SR where people truly understand, and to a therapist. I moved to a peaceful town. I joined a gym. I went for many, many walks on nature trails. I listened to motivational talks on YouTube, I listened to music. I cuddled with my cat.
Basically I had a void. I started choosing to fill it with things the were good for me. good...for....me. One little step at a time. There were days when all I could manage was a shower. I was severely depressed and traumatized. There's a saying "When going through hell, keep going" I think this applies here...even if it is tiny step by tiny step.
I believe you said in a previous post that your hair was falling out from the stress. I can relate. I was in my late 20's and was starting to develop health issues from the continual barrage of stress. Most of them have cleared up now after removing myself from the stressful toxic person. Imagine that! My best friend kept saying "your young now and look at what's happening to your health. Imagine what will happen if you stay for another 10 years, 20 years. I love you and don't want to see that happen to you" This thought scared me and caused me to think very deeply...i had never considered this....I finally realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life, my body and mind, for someone who actually didn't even appreciate me. What was I thinking!? It was a real wakeup call.
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
I can't thank everyone enough. I know I don't have anything of value to add right now except to continually thank you all. I reread all of your responses and they mean so much. I just cry when I read every response. My hair has been falling out in clumps and I have never been so depressed in my life, not even when my brother died tragically and young. This, this is worse. You all are my only sense of support and sanity (besides my best friend who happens to be an addictions counselor). She's been telling me for 5 years to run. I didn't listen.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Therapy, combined with the acknowledgement that dealing with abandonment issues is a longer journey than grieving a relationship.
I know how you feel, and I'm sorry for how much it hurts. For me, the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
I know how you feel, and I'm sorry for how much it hurts. For me, the issue was not just "why did this person leave me," but rather "why did I stay with someone who hurt me." In other words, why did I abandon myself for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
For me, healing came when I started focusing on me, delving into who I am and who I wanted to be and where I came from emotionally. Facing my own demons, painfully sifting through some childhood crap, and then having the courage to say, "This isn't what I want anymore. Rejected by a reject doesn't look good on me anyway."
I have been in counseling for 3 years, going to Al Anon regularly for 3 years also, and I've gone back to church which I think really helped me get right with God and helped me figure out that my Higher Power wanted more for me than what I could see. I started to have hope, I started to trust more, and I found that I was wasting mental and emotional energy on someone who just wasn't capable of giving back. I accepted that. Once I found acceptance I was ready to move on and we're in the process of starting divorce works now.
It has been a long journey for me to realize that, yes, I was abandoned, but I was never really alone. I had to reach out to others to find a better path for me. All that time I had made my marriage an idol and I had put my husband in a role of authority in my life, capitulating to his every need and accepting unacceptable behavior. The people here at SR woke me up and I finally found the courage to say that I'm glad I went through all of this. I learned that abandonment doesn't equal total rejection. It just means the other person wasn't capable of meeting our needs and that it's ok to move on, whether they leave or whether you leave. Hope some of this helps.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
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Hugs. I always liked to use a little creative visualization: rather than seeing yourself as an abandoned wife maybe imagine yourself as a released hostage instead. See it just like it is on the television: footage of yourself running like h3ll out the front door of a bank surrounded by SWAT where they wrap you up in a nice, warm blanket and everyone cheers because you got out safely.
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Originally Posted by POAndrea
Hugs. I always liked to use a little creative visualization: rather than seeing yourself as an abandoned wife maybe imagine yourself as a released hostage instead. See it just like it is on the television: footage of yourself running like h3ll out the front door of a bank surrounded by SWAT where they wrap you up in a nice, warm blanket and everyone cheers because you got out safely.
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Posts: 6,516
rather than seeing yourself as an abandoned wife maybe imagine yourself as a released hostage instead. See it just like it is on the television: footage of yourself running like h3ll out the front door of a bank surrounded by SWAT where they wrap you up in a nice, warm blanket and everyone cheers because you got out safely.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I really liked the book, The Black Swan: the Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery by Susan Anderson.
Like ShootingStar mentioned, I had to put myself on auto-pilot for regular, daily life for a while and set really simple a routine: get up, shower, get dressed, get DS up and dressed, grab our gear and head out the door, back at home, shovel, make dinner, get our gear ready for the next day, get DS to bed, get me to bed. I felt like a zombie for a while. Getting a good night's rest was the hardest part for me. I had to really work on it and followed all of the suggestions usually found: before bed: no TV or caffeine, created a bed-time routine, white noise or nature sounds, get out of bed if I couldn't sleep...
Sending hugs. You'll be OK, really.
Like ShootingStar mentioned, I had to put myself on auto-pilot for regular, daily life for a while and set really simple a routine: get up, shower, get dressed, get DS up and dressed, grab our gear and head out the door, back at home, shovel, make dinner, get our gear ready for the next day, get DS to bed, get me to bed. I felt like a zombie for a while. Getting a good night's rest was the hardest part for me. I had to really work on it and followed all of the suggestions usually found: before bed: no TV or caffeine, created a bed-time routine, white noise or nature sounds, get out of bed if I couldn't sleep...
Sending hugs. You'll be OK, really.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I remember about four years ago I decided to call in to the Dr. Laura radio show about my marriage. I was so mad b/c of what she said.
I said I did not think it was right to leave him as we had been married for so long and have children together. She said, "He left you and your children mentally a long time ago."
Looking back, it is profound. I hung up thinking she was stupid. I needed her to help me fix him LOL. I should have listened to her then because she was right, even though he was still in the house, he had left us long, long ago.
Hugs.
I said I did not think it was right to leave him as we had been married for so long and have children together. She said, "He left you and your children mentally a long time ago."
Looking back, it is profound. I hung up thinking she was stupid. I needed her to help me fix him LOL. I should have listened to her then because she was right, even though he was still in the house, he had left us long, long ago.
Hugs.
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by POAndrea
Hugs. I always liked to use a little creative visualization: rather than seeing yourself as an abandoned wife maybe imagine yourself as a released hostage instead. See it just like it is on the television: footage of yourself running like h3ll out the front door of a bank surrounded by SWAT where they wrap you up in a nice, warm blanket and everyone cheers because you got out safely.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
I had to change the way I thought about it. Asking myself "Why am I perceiving this as abandonment?" I began to realize that I was internalizing someone else's issues (my ex's alcoholism) and believing it was about me, making myself the victim of being abandoned. I also realized that I had unresolved abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Sometimes you have to ask yourself "what's really going on here?" and sometimes you have to just let yourself feel the pain and let it pass. it will eventually pass.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jodie, what a powerful thread for all of us. A lot of what was said hit home for me.
I am divorced now. Not something I wanted but had to do, as like dr. Laura said, he left a long time ago. So how has my life changed since starting alanon again 1 year ago January.
I had enough strength to say enough is enough, I deserve a healthy marriage. No its not right to go out every night and away partying every weekend. I filed for divorce, and followed through with it. I found a job that wasn't the best but I was working. I have a new home that I hate to love, but I do love it. I have self respect now that I do not need to accept abuse any longer. My boss screams and yells at me just like my x. I have enough respect to say enough. I have put my resume together and I have a interview for another job on monday. I sleep for the first time in 20 years. I never slept as I was always so up set with him and was up for hours every night. Not anymore. I am alone but I can sleep.
Not sure where I am going with this, but slowly (1 year) what a change in my life. I try and have NC and it helps as u get sucked back In loving them. (By mistake his cc bill got taken out of my old checking account, so it was for almost 1300.00 of drinking last month. That is a lot of money for 1 single guy to drink. This is a reminder of why I ended this marriage)
BUT you will be ok, if you stay in these walls and get the support from people who walked in your shoes before u. It is a slow process. Some one told me it's a slow process so u lean not to do this again.
Thanks everyone who posted, I need to be reminded to stay on the right path.
I am divorced now. Not something I wanted but had to do, as like dr. Laura said, he left a long time ago. So how has my life changed since starting alanon again 1 year ago January.
I had enough strength to say enough is enough, I deserve a healthy marriage. No its not right to go out every night and away partying every weekend. I filed for divorce, and followed through with it. I found a job that wasn't the best but I was working. I have a new home that I hate to love, but I do love it. I have self respect now that I do not need to accept abuse any longer. My boss screams and yells at me just like my x. I have enough respect to say enough. I have put my resume together and I have a interview for another job on monday. I sleep for the first time in 20 years. I never slept as I was always so up set with him and was up for hours every night. Not anymore. I am alone but I can sleep.
Not sure where I am going with this, but slowly (1 year) what a change in my life. I try and have NC and it helps as u get sucked back In loving them. (By mistake his cc bill got taken out of my old checking account, so it was for almost 1300.00 of drinking last month. That is a lot of money for 1 single guy to drink. This is a reminder of why I ended this marriage)
BUT you will be ok, if you stay in these walls and get the support from people who walked in your shoes before u. It is a slow process. Some one told me it's a slow process so u lean not to do this again.
Thanks everyone who posted, I need to be reminded to stay on the right path.
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