Alternatives to AlAnon

Old 01-08-2015, 09:17 AM
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Alternatives to AlAnon

Not feeling the 12 stepping at all anymore. I just come home from the meetings furious. I really don't believe in a higher power at all anymore either. I need something that focuses entirely on ME and not my relationship with the alcoholic or demanding that I "let it go" or forgive him this instant. I need to be alright with ME and I don't think 12 stepping is going to do it.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:19 AM
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Do you have a therapist? That might be a way to start.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:19 AM
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I understand Terp. I do believe in an HP and got good support from Celebrate Recovery. However, it was having a therapist that specializes in addiction where I got the true help from. I think you have to be able to get focus on YOU, and to do so you need a counselor or therapist for one on one.

Hugs.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:21 AM
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A counselor or therapist is the way to go. Hope you feel better soon!
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:29 AM
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TerpGal....you just h ad a long thread where you discussed your fear of "breaking a promise to God". You spoke if receiving sacremants and your decision to remain married due to religilous reasons. O.K. No problema.

But, today, you say that you don't have a higher power at all. O.K. No problema.

The thing is..I am so puzzled when I try to understand exactly where you are coming from... Help me...LOL!

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Old 01-08-2015, 09:30 AM
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I do have a therapist. 2 of them. A domestic violence counselor at the local women's shelter and a trauma specialist who also works with addicts. I don't feel like I'm making much progress in these venues. I am constantly furious and at times want to do physical harm to RAH (but would never do so of course). I am angry at myself for not feeling good enough to know I deserved better. I am angry at myself that I am still here and too much of a coward to do what I know what needs to be done. I am curious at RAH that he thinks things are great and hunky dory now because we had 2 nice nights out and it's been 5 months so I should stop being angry at him.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up. This is so painful I think I might die from it and Al Anon at least in my area the members are very pushy about just letting it all go this very instant and that there's something wrong with you if you can't. Most of these folks have been around FOREVER and it feels like they forgot what it's like.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:33 AM
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I’ve been in al-anon a long time and I’ve yet to come across anything that demands that I let go or forgive them this instant.

The opening at our meetings always begins with – you are here because of alcoholism and not for the alcoholic.

Al-anon is to focus on you whether you stay with an alcoholic or not. The program is for you, it’s up to you how to apply it.

I’ve found that in al-anon or therapy or counseling if I chose to try and control someone else I remain angry and frustrated. When life is not going my way or how I want it to I become angry and frustrated.

When I “focus entirely on me” and “let go” of trying to control another or outcome of something I have no control over I find peace.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
TerpGal....you just h ad a long thread where you discussed your fear of "breaking a promise to God". You spoke if receiving sacremants and your decision to remain married due to religilous reasons. O.K. No problema.

But, today, you say that you don't have a higher power at all. O.K. No problema.

The thing is..I am so puzzled when I try to understand exactly where you are coming from... Help me...LOL!

dandylion
It's not really religious reasons. I am no longer a Catholic. I was just raised to believe if you are married, that's it. Although my parents marriage is a horrible example. My father is a verbally abusive alcoholic and my mother is a beaten down woman.

I am still terrified of my father to a degree and part of the reason I haven't yet left is because of what his reaction will be.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:36 AM
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I do think it's possible people forget what it's like. And certainly, what each person has experienced is different.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think anger is just a stage in the grieving process, and that is where you are. While it may look hard now, I think you will get past it with time.

Can you channel that anger into something else?? This may sound corny, but in college I took a pottery class. I can remember that was a difficult time in my life, and I was pi$$ed off for various reasons. I would go in there and beat the crap out of my clay, then I would sit down and relax and actually try to make it into something. It was very therapeutic. My skills were nada and my pots were always crooked, but in the end I think it was one of the most productive means of therapy I could have done for myself during that time.

You will get through this. Think about how long it took you to get in this place. So give yourself a break that it will take time to get through some of these stages.

Tight hugs Terp. While you may not recognize your progress, I can see it loud and clear!
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Can you channel that anger into something else?? This may sound corny, but in college I took a pottery class. I can remember that was a difficult time in my life, and I was pi$$ed off for various reasons. I would go in there and beat the crap out of my clay, then I would sit down and relax and actually try to make it into something. It was very therapeutic. My skills were nada and my pots were always crooked, but in the end I think it was one of the most productive means of therapy I could have done for myself during that time.
!
I have been wanting to do this (pottery) for YEARS, thanks for the reminder that I need to investigate getting into it when my situation is right to do so
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:42 AM
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Most of these folks have been around FOREVER and it feels like they forgot what it's like.
Two things: I think it's very, very easy for us who have been around for a while to forget what we felt like when we first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. I remember feeling like people there acted like what you were supposed to do was self-evident -- and remember feeling like it bloody wasn't, not for me.

I bought a lot of Al-Anon literature and was able to consume it at my own pace, and that helped me sort of get closer to what they, the old-timers were saying, and understanding where they were coming from.

Two: I have had times when I just wanted to be DONE. When the feelings were too much, when the work was too hard, and he I just wanted someone to FIX ME NOW. And during those periods, I was totally unreachable for help. I wanted someone to fix me, but anyone trying got their damn head bitten off. I wanted help but not THAT kind of help (whatever kind it was I was offered).

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I'm telling you, I was so desperate to get better that I pushed away the very people trying to help me simply because... I never felt that what they offered was enough. Kind of like a starving person pushing away a piece of bread because it wasn't an entire meal.

I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but I just wanted to share it.
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by TerpGal View Post
I really don't believe in a higher power at all anymore either. .
I get this way at times. I even posted to my FB that I don't believe I believed in God anymore.
I get angry and furious and despite the prayers and prayers and prayers my situation only seems to get worse, I can't get a break.

I feel totally forgotten by God and everyone to be honest.

It's a roller coaster of emotions for sure.

((hugs))
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:57 AM
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Maybe we should start a new business called "Pottery Therapy" LOL!
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:00 AM
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TerpGal....that clears it up quite a bit (for me). It seems that you are not afraid of God's wrath---you are afraid of your father.

That makes sense to me. We all grow up wishing for our parent's approval. I think that is just natural. Trust me--I grew up in the DEEP mountains of West Virginia...and I know about rigid, unforgivable cultural rules that they (try) to hand down. There was no room for deviation. Or, that's what we were TOLD.

However..no matter how we were raised...we still have free will. There comes a time in our development that we experience a rebirth of our value system. Usually, but not always, this happens somewhere in our twenties.
When we are small we live by the values and customs of our parents. Then, in early adulthood...it is as if all those values are tossed into the air--and we then pick and choose those which we truly embrace and discard those which do not serve US.
This surely will cause conflict between parent and child, sometimes.
IT IS A MAJOR RITE OF PASSAGE IN OUR LIVES.
It cannot be avoided if we are to become authentic individuals in our own right.
(mine came at age 27).
I am glad that you have a lot of therapeutic help....because I think that you will have to face your feelings about your parents and make peace within yourself about them.
The pain of facing it cannot be any worse that living day in and day out with the torment about it.

LOl! TerpGal...now, I realize that I am becoming as annoying as a plaque of locusts. If so, just use the good ole' DELETE button on me!
I felt compelled to share.

dandylion

***this stuff about stages---passages in our adult life---is basically from the work of Gail Sheehe in her classic book "Passages". It is an older book, but the material still has validity, I think.
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:16 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have really been wanting to try out martial arts for a while. It's hard to find classes that meet my needs because I'm a night shifter, awake while the rest of the world is asleep. Adjusting to this schedule has not been easy and I think is making me feel a little worse. Plus I have the flu right now so........yeah.
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:18 AM
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Cognitive therapy works especially well for addicts and codependents. BTW, I'm sober 23 years and go to AA regularly. I'm also an agnostic. I have a higher power not related to Christianity.
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Maybe we should start a new business called "Pottery Therapy" LOL!
I read this as POTTY therapy and I was like LOL!
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:26 AM
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TerpGal - in a way, I'm sitting here completely jealous of you. I WANT the anger! I WISH I could feel anger! I know it's deep down in there somewhere, but I can't find it. Don't get me wrong, it's come out in my relationship when it's built up so much that it HAD to come out, but now that it's over....nothing. Just hurt, guilt, questioning, fear. I KNOW I have A LOT to feel angry about, but where the hell is it? That it's NOT coming out scares the hell out of me! I think you're in a better spot than I am because you're actually feeling it and that's healthy. You have every reason in the world to feel angry!

Have you tried a beginners alanon meeting? I just went to one on Sunday and I'm going back this Sunday. Beginners are just that, beginners on the road to recovery. There were some that have been there for a while, but most of us were relatively new to the whole alanon thing. I don't particularly enjoy it because it's always been impossible for me to break it down and show any vulnerability to anyone, so I just sit and listen and hope that eventually something will start working for me. Those that have been in it for a while swear by it, so there has to be something there, right?
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Old 01-08-2015, 10:43 AM
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TG, I am sorry that you have so much anger. I did too, and I still do, but it doesn't control my life anymore. I am a Catholic but I was pretty angry at God for letting him do this to me. As I felt I was a good person. I do understand the Alanon way. If my sponsor said to me to pray on it or I will pray for you, one more time I was going to scream. It is really hard to let go and let someone else controls things. As that is what I have had to do for a very long time.

I have a quote below that I read somewhere and I want to share it with you.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.

This has nothing to do with God, but a lot to do with acceptance. Maybe once you stop fighting facts of your life you can make peace with in yourself.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Old 01-08-2015, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
TG, I am sorry that you have so much anger. I did too, and I still do, but it doesn't control my life anymore. I am a Catholic but I was pretty angry at God for letting him do this to me. As I felt I was a good person. I do understand the Alanon way. If my sponsor said to me to pray on it or I will pray for you, one more time I was going to scream. It is really hard to let go and let someone else controls things. As that is what I have had to do for a very long time.

I have a quote below that I read somewhere and I want to share it with you.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be, at this moment.

This has nothing to do with God, but a lot to do with acceptance. Maybe once you stop fighting facts of your life you can make peace with in yourself.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
Thanks. As I am learning in EMDR the way we often feel about our situation, or the negative self talk or anger we have are due to unprocessed memories. For me with PTSD those memories paralyze me. And I think that until I can get them processed I will always feel like this. Sigh. I just want to be done with all this. I don't want to be tethered to something that hurt me so much anymore, but I am to cowardly to pull the trigger.
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