thank you with help with clarity--more steps to come
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
thank you with help with clarity--more steps to come
thank you to all who have read my story and provided support over the last several months including blinding honesty through experience, strength and hope that have given me some facts beneath the emotions rather than all fear and unfocused grief.
have learned (through reliable and trusted resources, including my own finding) that my husband had an affair in chile and came back to figure out how to go back to the woman. i let him know i knew and was angry and then went to see my therapist. based on her assessment of the scope of the crisis i am in--am continuing to work on the meds and therapy until i either can find a job for more financial resources or figure out what to do.
have been advised to stay away from adult children as they are not supportive and, have chosen to blame me for his actions--oldest daughter who 'speaks' as voice of family told me yesterday that i 'lie' and that i probably drove him to the other woman--therapist was glad i set a boundary on that and I will not re-engage until i am in a safer place.
there is no money left so need to move forward in wisdom and caution as over our 40 years of marriage--i was both provider and emotional caretaker and will really need my hp's help as i have already received it in abundance.
he has lied to everyone--and i was manipulated--but i need to continue moving forward--with the healthcare, keeping my unemployment unaccessible for whatever comes and as much ability to do for me what will come and is necessary for adequate self care.
as to my active heroin addict daughter--he has gone to see her twice and manipulated me--as i already don't feel well--not to go so his enabling continues--going to leave that up tp my higher power as i am clearly the scapegoat--so need to focus on my own self care and safety--will not be talking with any family--between long-term alcohol use and drug issues and experience with them--need to rely on my higher power.
Thank you so much to The Duck for letting me know that i matter--therapist is working with me on this as have previous support networks and friends and therapist...so i know that i need to cling to this as i continue this walk as i can--with my recovery tools in place and being practiced to the fullest in each moment as i am able.
i have dealt with much over time to give my family my best--and now that my ultimate bottom line has been crossed--i will do what i need to, Am grateful to soberrecovery community--believe the latest new med is starting to take effect -- 2 1/2 more weeks, 2 wonderfully supportive doctors--long term who have validated that i am not crazy as family says too often--when i tell the facts and they are denying--and with whom i can be completely honest--even about stuff i feel shame and guilt around amd they tell me truth back--mostly that these things are very small and that i need to forgive myself rather than allowing the negative behavior of others and projected blame erode my very spirit.
one minute at a time...but things are unfolding as they must and will.
thank you to all--this is a real lifeline as i take hard steps and do hard work.
have learned (through reliable and trusted resources, including my own finding) that my husband had an affair in chile and came back to figure out how to go back to the woman. i let him know i knew and was angry and then went to see my therapist. based on her assessment of the scope of the crisis i am in--am continuing to work on the meds and therapy until i either can find a job for more financial resources or figure out what to do.
have been advised to stay away from adult children as they are not supportive and, have chosen to blame me for his actions--oldest daughter who 'speaks' as voice of family told me yesterday that i 'lie' and that i probably drove him to the other woman--therapist was glad i set a boundary on that and I will not re-engage until i am in a safer place.
there is no money left so need to move forward in wisdom and caution as over our 40 years of marriage--i was both provider and emotional caretaker and will really need my hp's help as i have already received it in abundance.
he has lied to everyone--and i was manipulated--but i need to continue moving forward--with the healthcare, keeping my unemployment unaccessible for whatever comes and as much ability to do for me what will come and is necessary for adequate self care.
as to my active heroin addict daughter--he has gone to see her twice and manipulated me--as i already don't feel well--not to go so his enabling continues--going to leave that up tp my higher power as i am clearly the scapegoat--so need to focus on my own self care and safety--will not be talking with any family--between long-term alcohol use and drug issues and experience with them--need to rely on my higher power.
Thank you so much to The Duck for letting me know that i matter--therapist is working with me on this as have previous support networks and friends and therapist...so i know that i need to cling to this as i continue this walk as i can--with my recovery tools in place and being practiced to the fullest in each moment as i am able.
i have dealt with much over time to give my family my best--and now that my ultimate bottom line has been crossed--i will do what i need to, Am grateful to soberrecovery community--believe the latest new med is starting to take effect -- 2 1/2 more weeks, 2 wonderfully supportive doctors--long term who have validated that i am not crazy as family says too often--when i tell the facts and they are denying--and with whom i can be completely honest--even about stuff i feel shame and guilt around amd they tell me truth back--mostly that these things are very small and that i need to forgive myself rather than allowing the negative behavior of others and projected blame erode my very spirit.
one minute at a time...but things are unfolding as they must and will.
thank you to all--this is a real lifeline as i take hard steps and do hard work.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh IG, I am so sorry for all of your hurt.
However, I admire what you are doing. I agree with your T's opinion to not engage with negative behavior, from anyone!
Your HP will protect and look after you. We at SR are so glad for you and will always support you!
However, I admire what you are doing. I agree with your T's opinion to not engage with negative behavior, from anyone!
Your HP will protect and look after you. We at SR are so glad for you and will always support you!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Irisgarden, you have come so far, you are no longer "lost" but rather you are on a path of recovery that will see you through all of this.
And the nice thing is that you don't have to walk a single step alone, we are all walking with you as you go through this.
You ARE worthy of a wonderful, happy, life. A pox on those who try to drag you down or tell you otherwise.
Hugs and Hugs
And the nice thing is that you don't have to walk a single step alone, we are all walking with you as you go through this.
You ARE worthy of a wonderful, happy, life. A pox on those who try to drag you down or tell you otherwise.
Hugs and Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
thank you all--he slept outside the house at oldest daughter's house taking care of grandson--always before it has been in our apartment--and i did tell her because i was overwrought and she said that i am too depressed and treat him bad--i don't belive i do--and deserves a woman to be happy with.
he read my email from the person i confirmed with and just screamed and yelled with 20 year old son in living room--that i am the emotionally ****** up one and he wants nothing more to do with me.
i need to figure out how to get him blocked from seeing my aol emails--although this is the only email i have ever sent on something like this as i don't believe it was ever an issue--therapist told me not to make any big moves but the yelling and screaming in response to my statement that he really hurt me and turning it on me don't seem like good signs...and in ear shot of my sleeping son.
praying and asking my higher power for help--going to walk to post office to mail cobra payment and call my therapist.
he read my email from the person i confirmed with and just screamed and yelled with 20 year old son in living room--that i am the emotionally ****** up one and he wants nothing more to do with me.
i need to figure out how to get him blocked from seeing my aol emails--although this is the only email i have ever sent on something like this as i don't believe it was ever an issue--therapist told me not to make any big moves but the yelling and screaming in response to my statement that he really hurt me and turning it on me don't seem like good signs...and in ear shot of my sleeping son.
praying and asking my higher power for help--going to walk to post office to mail cobra payment and call my therapist.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
IG, I'm so sorry to hear that things have come to a head with your husband. It sounds like it might be a good idea in the weeks to come to take some time to do things that give you peace and take some time now and then to check in with your heart and try to figure out what you want going forward. It's definitely important at times of crisis to listen to the advice of therapists, but I do believe also that it's important to try to find our own voice at such moments. I had a therapist years ago who often refused to tell me what to do; she used to tell me that I had to learn to trust my gut. You matter in all this, and the things that your children and your husband and ultimately even your therapist say about who you are and what you should do are just other points of view to take into consideration but not take too closely to heart, because what matters most is YOUR heart and what will keep it at peace! I think you are much more resourceful than you know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
thanks all. jjj111--i will do what is needed when it is needed--getting my brain chemicals in balance is priority #1 and given the lack of support by family and blaming it on me or how i talk--which could be true given the severity of the depression and anxiety--had this once before about 16 years ago...so realize that i cannot help or take care of anyone but me.
given the actions and reactions of the family members, still working my best recovery, in touch with doctor--she gave me permission to call daily--so that is something. i have neglected my health for many years due to spending our limited budget on husband or under-age kids -- for normal things and for helpful programs around drugs...attended all and learned much.
my meds doctor simply says that it has been too much, too continuously, over too long...and that now my brain chemicals are so depleted that focusing on my health is first and foremost.
have always been known for being resourceful...so trusting in my higher power and the process to get well enough to take more steps as they unfold.
AD continues along her way and athough husband put her on the phone twice and she says what she is doing...or better yet what she thinks i want to hear, i no longer believe anything--just tell her i am glad to hear she is doing what she needs for herself..that i love her...have not had the strength to go see her--she makes it hard and her father encourages me not to go...
this is all actually hard work so trying not to guilt myself or blame myself...
praying and doing what i need to save unemployment--first time in a 40 year marriage that i have not shared all resources with husband and getting my cobra insurance that was not done correctly (thank you god my doctors believed when i showed them payment to third party admin) and finally got ex-co to help--by them calling broker--handled with kid gloves as the internal admin used to work for me and was assisted by my ex-boss so practiced my rational and persuasive writing several times, did and communicated the research of what was missing to assist and now being helped after almost 2 months and the additional financial worry there.
broke my wrist on christmas--so in a cast and needing to ask for and ask for driving from husband. His anger and tone and yelling make that hard and i did miss my distress management skills and naranon meeting this week but will work to go next week and not beat myself up.
Cast will be on for 4-8 weeks--hope it is the shorter--although the wrist bone was broken got a long arm cast and limiting pain medication as it contains hydrocodone and i am very afraid of addiction given my family genetics...don't use or drink though so that is a point in my favor--but the hand does hurt so doing deep breathing to get through.
i am praying--and doing what you have suggested...checking in with my heart..will continue.
given the actions and reactions of the family members, still working my best recovery, in touch with doctor--she gave me permission to call daily--so that is something. i have neglected my health for many years due to spending our limited budget on husband or under-age kids -- for normal things and for helpful programs around drugs...attended all and learned much.
my meds doctor simply says that it has been too much, too continuously, over too long...and that now my brain chemicals are so depleted that focusing on my health is first and foremost.
have always been known for being resourceful...so trusting in my higher power and the process to get well enough to take more steps as they unfold.
AD continues along her way and athough husband put her on the phone twice and she says what she is doing...or better yet what she thinks i want to hear, i no longer believe anything--just tell her i am glad to hear she is doing what she needs for herself..that i love her...have not had the strength to go see her--she makes it hard and her father encourages me not to go...
this is all actually hard work so trying not to guilt myself or blame myself...
praying and doing what i need to save unemployment--first time in a 40 year marriage that i have not shared all resources with husband and getting my cobra insurance that was not done correctly (thank you god my doctors believed when i showed them payment to third party admin) and finally got ex-co to help--by them calling broker--handled with kid gloves as the internal admin used to work for me and was assisted by my ex-boss so practiced my rational and persuasive writing several times, did and communicated the research of what was missing to assist and now being helped after almost 2 months and the additional financial worry there.
broke my wrist on christmas--so in a cast and needing to ask for and ask for driving from husband. His anger and tone and yelling make that hard and i did miss my distress management skills and naranon meeting this week but will work to go next week and not beat myself up.
Cast will be on for 4-8 weeks--hope it is the shorter--although the wrist bone was broken got a long arm cast and limiting pain medication as it contains hydrocodone and i am very afraid of addiction given my family genetics...don't use or drink though so that is a point in my favor--but the hand does hurt so doing deep breathing to get through.
i am praying--and doing what you have suggested...checking in with my heart..will continue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
very sad and grieving today--a good friend with a heroin addict son--in and out of recovery attempts--two grandchildren loved dearly--6 and 8--she has dedicated much to being there for them for some normalit--adil took them to another state in august -- shot both in head on the 2nd and herself--one died immediately and the other is in critical condition as well as adil--son is on suicide watch--prayers welcomed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear IG,
I am without words at what has happened to you in the past few days...you know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers? Please take care and hold tight to your hope.
I am just so sorry that this keeps piling on to you. I'm proud and admire your strength.
How's your wrist doing, mimimal discomfort, God knows you have suffered.
As WWD says...I hate addiction and the fallout that trails along after.
Take care and know that you are loved.
TF
I am without words at what has happened to you in the past few days...you know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers? Please take care and hold tight to your hope.
I am just so sorry that this keeps piling on to you. I'm proud and admire your strength.
How's your wrist doing, mimimal discomfort, God knows you have suffered.
As WWD says...I hate addiction and the fallout that trails along after.
Take care and know that you are loved.
TF
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