Jodie77

Last night was a horribly, sleepless night. Sobbing and literally kicking my legs in bed in pain. The abandonment after 5 years is too much to bear. I feel so attached to him and craving him like he's MY drug. He's a functioning alcoholic and because he is so "successful" in every other area of his life I am starting to think it wasn't all that bad. He just vowed to me how much he loved me and would never leave. Words can't describe this pain and I've never felt so rejected.

Jodie77

*kicking (not licking)

FeelingGreat

Jodie I did wonder about the licking...

You're in awful pain now, and it's good that he was the one leaving or you'd be back again. You must go through this to come out the other side. What can you do to alleviate your immediate pain? Do you have a counsellor or someone you can debrief to?

Think about what you want that he can't supply, like a successful stable family life and children. Try to hunker down and get through this acute pain. And keep posting. I feel for you.

iamthird

Jodie I know how you feel. I have been separated from my husband going on almost 3 years. It is painful at times, almost unbearable. All you can do is work on you. Abandonment is rough but you need to look at yourself and do what you can control. You need to ask yourself why you dont believe in yourself enough to know you are worth it. I had to ask myself the very same questions. At first I kept asking the WHY and HOW questions of why and how he could abandon me and our family, but that never made things better it only drove me nuts and it sure never brought him back to me.

I am sure if I put my mind and body to it, I could get my husband to come home. The problem is he has an addiction problem so I could never get him to come home and stay and be healthy which is really what I want.

I know it is hard but like you said back and forth after 5 years it is no different. The only thing worse than wasting 5 years is wasting 5 years and 1 day. Pick yourself up, look in the mirror and say you deserve better and to be with someone who will value you. Even if you dont believe it today, just do it anyway. It will help, I promise. I realize I never thought I was worth anymore than what I was getting. It took me a long time, but I dont have those crazy obsessive thoughts anymore.

Keep coming here and posting here. You can do it.

Hawkeye13

You'll be surprised how far he can / will fall in five more years.

Alcoholism is progressive, and when you see him down the road,
I bet you will be very glad you didn't hitch your wagon to a drinking star.

It hurts, but you'll get through it.
You now have room in your life for a healthy relationship when you are ready.

Believe it or not, that's progress.
Hugs.

dandylion

Jodie....You have just described what grieving feels like. Because you ARE grieving.
All of us who have felt abandoned or experienced the devastating loss of a loved one has felt this.

Yes, it feels unbearable. But, it is bearable. What happens is that we bear this pain for a certain period of time....and then we are able to go on living. It is a process...it has stages that we pass through....and, we emerge from the other side..whole and alive.

I think that there is this fear that the pain is like a black hole that will swallow us up and we will cease to exist...and never be the same again. This is a fear---but it is not really the reality of it.

It is o.k. to cry and scream and kick your legs. You need to give physical expression to your pain.... you need to let the negative energy out of your body. This is Nature's way. When are equipped by Nature to hurt and to heal. If we did not h ave that ability...we could not exist in this universe.

You pain does not indicate that something is wrong. This is the beginning of the healing...and the beginning of ridding yourself of the thing that has torn and twisted you.
Kind of like a detoxing (like from drugs). You have to detox first, before you can go on.

You don't have to go this alone, though. The comfort and compassion from others will help you get through this.

very sincerely,
dandylion

Jodie77

Thank you all. This pain is to the core of my soul. All I keep thinking about is his moving on and being happy with someone else because I "drove him crazy." It's killing me inside. The isolation, silence, abandonment, loss.

I know myself and I have a VERY abnormally hard time letting go of things especially people I love. I don't know how to let go. I wanted to leave him many times but didn't because I was afraid he'd wind up with someone else and then I'd live with regret for the rest of my life. So he left me instead.

Maybe reminders of what an addict is, does, and says will help me to snap back to reality.

Eauchiche

Hi Jodie
I misread your post. I though you wrote that he abandoned you 5 years ago, and you are just now getting over it. I need more coffee!
I was with my mate 14 years. We separated last March. The recovery for me is happening quicker than I would have thought possible, thanks to my higher power and AlAnon.
Hang in there and work your program. It will get better!

dandylion

Jodie....hang around, here, and we will help guide you through the pain.
(don't expect it to vanish overnight, though. that is not realistic).

Step 1. Alanon. Step 2. set up a personal therapist. These are the first steps that will begin to give you some respit.

Continue to come here and sharing.....

dandylion

Katchie

Jodie, sorry you're in such pain. Ride the pain out. I think the process of letting go is one day at a time and yes, reminders of what it was like living with your A may help you let go sooner rather than later.

You say your afraid he will be with someone else. Well, what kind of life do you think your active A would have with someone else? It would probably be just like the relationship you had or worse, since alcoholism is progressive. There'd be nothing to envy unless dysfunction is enviable. But, these are all what if's that are not current reality.

I hope you continue to let your feelings out every time you need to without shame. Eventually those moments will be fewer and fewer. Hugs to you

hopeful4

Honey, we can become addicted to a person just like a drug. Point being, just because you are addicted does not mean he or the drug is good for you. Keep the big picture.

XXX

Jodie77

Thanks so much. I have been crying all morning...can't get ready for work. I feel pathetic. Reading all your responses is helping me.

hopeful4

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.

You are a person who has been hurt and is going through the emotions that goes along with it. That's ok. Let yourself feel those without thinking they alter who you are. Feel it and let it go. With time it will, I promise.

XXX

dandylion

Jodie....after a painful breakup....I can remember this: Crying all the way to work. Once at work--putting on my smile and taking care of my patients all day. Then, getting in the car and crying all the way home. Once at home--pulling myself together and doing all my mother stuff. After the kids were asleep....I put on music (Prince--"Purple Rain" and some Van Morrison)....and cried until I fell asleep.
Awoke, the next morning...began the crying, again. I cried in bathrooms. I went to the park bench on my lunch break and cried while I ate.
I cried an OCEAN of tears. At that point..early on....it was the only thing that seemed to give me moments of relief.

This is how it goes, kiddo....

dandylion

Jodie77

One of the reasons I'm crying so much is because I feel like it's my fault. Maybe if I had been more patient and not as angry he wouldn't have left me. That's what's killing me.

dandylion

Well Jodi....that is erroneous thinking....very co-dependent. This is the kind of thing that alanon and your therapist (and, us) will help you to shed.....

dandylion

freetosmile

Yes, I do understand the guilt you are feeling Jodie. The insidious part of this disease is that it makes us doubt ourselves, who we are, our feelings, and our actions.

I can assure you that even if you would have been *perfect* the result would most likely be the same. I have tried everything and the result is ALWAYS the same..

I think they call that the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Do not go down this path. You are beautiful, you are courageous, and you are loved. You don't need this jerkwad in your life. And not that it is ANY of your business, but he will most likely treat ALL the women in his life like this. This new girl will most likely end up feeling the same way as you do, confused and beaten up. We don't wish that on anyone.
Hang in there. So sorry this day sucks for you

Needabreak

So he uses alcohol and cocaine to the point where you -- in your words -- have experienced five years of "empty promises, broken dreams, blame, projection, criticism, emotional and verbal abuse, and multiple abandonments from him...."

And you think you should have been more patient and not as angry? You think you're at fault here?

You have to decide whether his addictions are something you are ok living with. If they are, then yes, suck it up and deal with it. You're choosing to live with someone who chooses to use. Own your decision and accept who he is.

If you're not willing to put up with his using alcohol and cocaine (and I left my ex because of his using), then all the patience in the world isn't going to change the fact that he continues to use and doesn't want to change.

In my case it took a long time to get over the anger and guilt, and that's actually my biggest regret -- that I wasted so much mental energy. But grieving and acceptance are a difficult process.....

53500

What dandylion wrote - crying on the way to work, in bathrooms, on the way back, really every waking moment I had any privacy - that was me, also, after my separation. The pain was wrenching and I was the one who *wanted* to separate but doing that to my two teenagers just about did me in.

And then the guy I'd (mostly) left my ex for didn't want me after all. So then I was totally alone, kids away at college, I was in a new city very far from lifetime friends. My heart physically hurt. For a very long time. My job kept me sane, gave me something else to think about. And I was in therapy. Took a couple of tries to find the right therapist but once I did he really helped.

I second-guessed myself a million times over those horrible years. The guilt at hurting my kids (who are now in their 30s and are happy, successful adults) was the worst pain I ever felt and is still with me, although it's not crippling as it used to be. But also not gone.

It gets better, Jodie, it really does. You got away from life with an addict. This may feel bad since you loved the addict but it's GOOD you are away. You will come out on the other side. You'll have some scars but this awful, pervasive pain will leave you. I'm so sorry you are going through it, I know it's hideous. It gets better. ::hugs::

Shellcrusher

It'll get better. I wasn't the sad person. I was the mad person. I'm talking angry! Not so much anymore.
Like Dandylion said. It's a form of relief and in my early stages, I needed that relief.