helluvagalnva

One day I'm doing great and the next not so good. I feel as though I'm making progress but I haven't learned to stop allowing myself to feel guilty.

I feel quilty because I don't want to get back together with my husband. Sometime days I feel like I do but then I'll spend time with him and I notice that I don't like him touching me and I don't really like anything about him that I see or hear but I'm scared to let go. I know that's wrong and not fair to him because I truely believe he loves me he just has a hard time showing me. He still treats me with no respect and speaks to be badly and I hate that. We have just grown in two different directions or it's just that we're in two different places in our lives. For so long all that I wanted was for him to quit drinking. Now that he has I've realized the drinking wasn't the only thing to our problems. Is this normal?
Now I don't know if I was just holding on to him because I could hide in his problems and not have to look to see who i really was.

I guess now I'm realizing that my problems come from my childhood. I noticed myself in Pernell's topic. I think I'm a little of both if that's possible. My father was an alcoholic and was never around from when I was five until I was thirty and my mom she was around some but wore rose colored glasses. She thought if we didn't talk about things then it wasn't really happening or it didn't exist. I can't ever seem to do anything right in her eyes. It's always why didn't you do this or why did you do that or well you should have done it this way.

I can't talk to her about my problems because she doesn't ever have anything positive to say. She jsut says "I can't believe you want to be with someone like that and her favorite saying and he's the one you thought was your soulmate". What is wrong with you? She just doesn't understand. I would have thought she did since she too lived with an alcoholic but she divorced my dad when I was eight. She couldn't take it any longer she said.

Every day is a battle just some are harder to fight then others. Since Ogly's post the other day I've tried very hard to realize she's right and I don't have to forget the past but to realize there's much to learn from the past. I have learned from my past. I don't regreat anything because the past is what has made me who I am today. I've come along way. I am getting to know myself and I realized I like who I am.

My husband says's that he realizes that he still talks to me badly but I just have to deal with it for now because that's how "sober drunks" deal with things at first until that get completely sober. Is this true? Should I cut him a break and let him vent on me a little. I know he's fighting a disease too. I feel quilty for that too. Am I being to hard on him? I don't want to hurt him eventhough I'm not the one who put us here I still feel sorry for him. I feel like I owe him. Why? See it's this damn roller coaster. I'm starting to get motion sickness.

Thanks for listening.

Galnva

CherylG

"Now I don't know if I was just holding on to him because I could hide in his problems and not have to look to see who i really was."
"I don't have to forget the past but to realize there's much to learn from the past. I have learned from my past. I don't regreat anything because the past is what has made me who I am today. I've come along way. I am getting to know myself and I realized I like who I am."
This is the only opinion that matters. If you let the other's in your life rule you by their words and actions, they win. Start concentrating on yourself, your own head. You can't help anyone but you, especially if you aren't okay. Guilt is a hard thing to let go of when you are living in it, but you must to move forward. This is the perfect oportunity to find out who you are and work on you. If the relationship is to work you have to be whole too. This did not happen overnight and it will not be fixed overnight. Take time and remember patience and be easy on yourself.

bonbon

Hey there...
I totally agree with Cheryl, you have to try to move foward, My A just came back home Saturday. I made a list this morning on the things I would change with myself. One being the fact I obsess alot about his behavior. I am going to take baby steps on changing my behavior, to make myself feel better. I think once I do that I will start to feel a little better.

Hang in there, and continue to like who you have become, I know its hard. Your not alone.

Love,
bonbon

helluvagalnva

Thanks for your support. I know in my head you guys are right. Believe me I talk to myself everyday and tell myself over and over you have nothing to feel quilty about. You are only trying to be honest with yourself and with him. I tell myself when he speaks down to me that it has nothing to do with me and I'm not going to let him ruin my day or mood.

I'm trying to put my feelings first but when I do that he says I'm being selfish or I only think of myself. I know I'm letting him pull me back in but how do you not get sucked back in. He says but I love you so much and I want to make up for all the horrible things I've done to you and us. Don't we owe it to our children to work out our marriage. That one really gets to me because then I feel like I'm letting my kids down.

Is it normal to feel dislike for the "A" after years of putting up with, covering up, and all the lies? Can trust and respect ever really be restored? How do you really know if you love someone? I need answers to all of these questions. I guess that can only be answered from within and in time.

Thanks again,

Lots of hugs,
Galnva

Morning Glory

I remember feeling the same way about my first husband (A very abusive relationship) I felt guilty and then decided that I didn't lose the love I had for him. He killed it. It wasn't my fault.