2,000 Posts/Three Year Anniversary
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
2,000 Posts/Three Year Anniversary
On January 11, 2012, my then AGF saved the worst of her behavior for last.
It's not every day you get emotionally assaulted at work during business hours. But that's what she did, via text message. I remember pacing the corridors at my plant and walking in and out of the cafeteria, and I remember what it felt like when I saw what she thought was the coup de grace: a picture of her and her new boyfriend who she met in NA.
Then the admission of cheating multiple times, capped by a few
just to rub salt in the wound.
It was over. It was beyond over. But even in my stricken condition, I was able to determine what she was doing wasn't about me. Al Anon, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I Hate You Don't Leave Me filled in the gaps in my knowledge. No, this was an addict with Borderline Personality Disorder in full flight, reveling in her sadism, but somehow unaware that what she thought was "grace and dignity" was anything but.
Today, 2,000 posts and 3 years later, I look back at it, and I think it's pretty funny. Hysterically funny, actually. Maybe that's because I have an (extremely) warped sense of humor. But I can assure you that on the day, it was anything but funny. The next day -- getting tested for STD's -- was humiliating (thank God I was OK). But a strange thing happened the day after that. I woke up early, got out of bed, and simply decided I was going to be OK. And that, as they say, was that.
See, the thing that I had remembered that morning was something that I had forgotten: the best way to motivate me is to get me angry. And I took that anger and channeled it constructively and got back on my feet within a few weeks of that day.
The reason she did what she did was because she's an addict and a Borderline. But the true reason why she did what she did is because by the time January 11, 2012 came around, I was no longer enabling her. I was no longer trying to fix her. I was no longer reacting to her histrionics. I had detached, at the time with love. But if there's one thing a Borderline/addict hates, it's someone not behaving the way they want us to behave. So she opted to punish me.
Well, how'd that work out?
The whole experience with my AXGF had taught me a great deal. But two things stand out for me. The first thing is it taught me about simple gratitude for what I had and for the people in my life. The second thing is I learned what I don't want to deal with when it comes to people.
I feel part of my role at SR is to challenge the thinking of members who post at FFSA as respectfully as I can with as much sensitivity as I can muster. And the reason why that is is because sometimes we forget that we have choices. I certainly had choices during the 15 months I was with my AXGF, and for much of that time, I made the wrong ones. But at the end, I hit the important choices dead on the screws because I learned that when the addict shows you what they're all about, simply pay attention. Our eyes don't lie. And we can either tolerate it or do what is best for us.
In the 3 years since my AXGF had her spotlight moment, I've completed graduate school, gotten promoted, lost 42 pounds, become a better guitarist, and strengthened the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and colleagues. And during those 3 years, my AXGF has tried without success to bait me into engaging with her.
Fail. So much for grace and dignity.
So since this is my 2,000th post, I wanted to make it count. If my words and my experience can help even just a little bit, then I've done my job. You can't change or control anyone, but you can change and control yourself.
One more thing: this is my latest toy from the Fender Custom Shop. One of their master builders made me a '69 pink paisley Telecaster and aged her so she looks like she's 45 years old. She's a gem.
It's not every day you get emotionally assaulted at work during business hours. But that's what she did, via text message. I remember pacing the corridors at my plant and walking in and out of the cafeteria, and I remember what it felt like when I saw what she thought was the coup de grace: a picture of her and her new boyfriend who she met in NA.
Then the admission of cheating multiple times, capped by a few
just to rub salt in the wound.It was over. It was beyond over. But even in my stricken condition, I was able to determine what she was doing wasn't about me. Al Anon, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I Hate You Don't Leave Me filled in the gaps in my knowledge. No, this was an addict with Borderline Personality Disorder in full flight, reveling in her sadism, but somehow unaware that what she thought was "grace and dignity" was anything but.
Today, 2,000 posts and 3 years later, I look back at it, and I think it's pretty funny. Hysterically funny, actually. Maybe that's because I have an (extremely) warped sense of humor. But I can assure you that on the day, it was anything but funny. The next day -- getting tested for STD's -- was humiliating (thank God I was OK). But a strange thing happened the day after that. I woke up early, got out of bed, and simply decided I was going to be OK. And that, as they say, was that.
See, the thing that I had remembered that morning was something that I had forgotten: the best way to motivate me is to get me angry. And I took that anger and channeled it constructively and got back on my feet within a few weeks of that day.
The reason she did what she did was because she's an addict and a Borderline. But the true reason why she did what she did is because by the time January 11, 2012 came around, I was no longer enabling her. I was no longer trying to fix her. I was no longer reacting to her histrionics. I had detached, at the time with love. But if there's one thing a Borderline/addict hates, it's someone not behaving the way they want us to behave. So she opted to punish me.
Well, how'd that work out?
The whole experience with my AXGF had taught me a great deal. But two things stand out for me. The first thing is it taught me about simple gratitude for what I had and for the people in my life. The second thing is I learned what I don't want to deal with when it comes to people.
I feel part of my role at SR is to challenge the thinking of members who post at FFSA as respectfully as I can with as much sensitivity as I can muster. And the reason why that is is because sometimes we forget that we have choices. I certainly had choices during the 15 months I was with my AXGF, and for much of that time, I made the wrong ones. But at the end, I hit the important choices dead on the screws because I learned that when the addict shows you what they're all about, simply pay attention. Our eyes don't lie. And we can either tolerate it or do what is best for us.
In the 3 years since my AXGF had her spotlight moment, I've completed graduate school, gotten promoted, lost 42 pounds, become a better guitarist, and strengthened the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and colleagues. And during those 3 years, my AXGF has tried without success to bait me into engaging with her.
Fail. So much for grace and dignity.
So since this is my 2,000th post, I wanted to make it count. If my words and my experience can help even just a little bit, then I've done my job. You can't change or control anyone, but you can change and control yourself.
One more thing: this is my latest toy from the Fender Custom Shop. One of their master builders made me a '69 pink paisley Telecaster and aged her so she looks like she's 45 years old. She's a gem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Zoso, your es&h has helped many here, and will continue to do so. I would say I am sorry for what made you so strong, but , it has been a blessing in disguise, as they sometimes go.
Congrats on your 2000th post-I am sure that many out there will be helped by your candid sharing, and your positive outlook.
Your new 'baby' is beautiful! Enjoy
chicory
Congrats on your 2000th post-I am sure that many out there will be helped by your candid sharing, and your positive outlook.
Your new 'baby' is beautiful! Enjoy
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Zoso,
Indeed sir, you have helped me open my eyes when I have refused to see the
truth in my daughters. Your experiences that you weave into your incredibly
honest posts are worth their weight in gold. Keep up the excellent job as the board
leader, also, 2,000 posts...congratulations on being so strong Zoso!
I, too agree that your new "baby" is beautiful, keep singing to us Zoso!
TF
Indeed sir, you have helped me open my eyes when I have refused to see the
truth in my daughters. Your experiences that you weave into your incredibly
honest posts are worth their weight in gold. Keep up the excellent job as the board
leader, also, 2,000 posts...congratulations on being so strong Zoso!
I, too agree that your new "baby" is beautiful, keep singing to us Zoso!
TF
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
...but a strange thing happened the day after that. I woke up early, got out of bed, and simply decided I was going to be OK. And that, as they say, was that.
SR is a brighter place because of the light you shine here. Let the music play!
Hugs and Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
This makes me smile so much! I am so happy to hear of your progress and so thankful to have crossed your path, if only virtually. Thank you for setting an example of health and progress for so many 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Thank you Zoso77
Your post is very encouraging. I am in the beginning stages of what you went through. My AD has gone from heroin and now to porn. We are separated and I am now just focusing on our children and myself. I know with counseling and time I will feel better but right now my emotions are a yo-yo. Even when I read about addiction it's just so hard to understand why people do the crazy things they do. I know I will never understand. Congratulations again and thanks for your posts.
Your post is very encouraging. I am in the beginning stages of what you went through. My AD has gone from heroin and now to porn. We are separated and I am now just focusing on our children and myself. I know with counseling and time I will feel better but right now my emotions are a yo-yo. Even when I read about addiction it's just so hard to understand why people do the crazy things they do. I know I will never understand. Congratulations again and thanks for your posts.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by irisgardens 
you are a shining beacon--and for those like me who overcomplicate you help tremendously.
And thanks everyone who responded. I'm very fortunate to be a part of FFSA with all of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1
I just wanted to say that your post have helped me a lot. I broke up with my drug addict boyfriend of two years a few months ago & have had a hard time. but I'm glad to find empathy & community in your words. they have helped me face the day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I just saw this today. It's been a long journey, my friend. I've gained so much from your wisdom and insight----as have so many here. If this thing hadn't crossed our paths.......I would have never had the honor of knowing such a fine, accomplished, inspiring gentleman such as yourself.
And that would be a personal loss.
And that would be a personal loss.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 117
Zoso,
You were the first one to respond to me when I was an absolute mess. Your straight-forward approach was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much for sharing your ES&H.
The guitar, is OUTSTANDING! Congrats on it.
You were the first one to respond to me when I was an absolute mess. Your straight-forward approach was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much for sharing your ES&H.
The guitar, is OUTSTANDING!
Congrats on it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey, guys...
I appreciate all the kind words. But I'd be remiss if I didn't point out this thread was about a year and a half old.
Still, I think there's stuff that's true in the original post that will last for a long time. My hope is our little corner of SR -- both new members and seasoned vets -- reference it when they have need.
Have a great day, everyone.
I appreciate all the kind words. But I'd be remiss if I didn't point out this thread was about a year and a half old.
Still, I think there's stuff that's true in the original post that will last for a long time. My hope is our little corner of SR -- both new members and seasoned vets -- reference it when they have need.
Have a great day, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Better late than never. While we are celebrating I would also like to give thanks. You are blunt and honest at all times. I need the non sugar coated version and you always deliver. Nice guitar!
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