Blossom717

So I posted before that I've met someone. We've been talking since late September, we met in October. He is not an alcoholic, he is the adult child of one. He has a child around the same age as little blossom, and its the first relationship in a long time that I've had where the person wasn't trying to control me, and isn't trying to monopolize my time. We see each other when we can, we both put our kids first, and we are honest with each other.

I visited my dad the other day, he is staying at someone's house while they are away (he floats from that house to his drug dealers....hes a winner). He told me that I shouldn't be "running around" on the weekends I don't have little blossom. I asked him what should I be doing, sitting at home and crying?

His response? "Well, that's what I did."

Really? 1 - he did not. he tourmented my mom and manipulated my brother. He spent his free time buying hookers and doing coke. 2 - Why do people expect us to be miserable after we leave? Do they not realize the whole point in us leaving our As was to get out of the misery and find peace?

I started to feel slightly guilty about dating after that. I don't think I should though. But he hit a nerve saying that, because I already know that I'm expected to not be happy, I'm expected to regret leaving, and to look miserable about it. But I'm not. Why is this expected??

Florence

Your dad's judgement is more about him than you. He thinks he was home crying, maybe. More than likely he thinks he should have been home crying about losing his family to addiction, but he wasn't.

My mom told me over and over that I should suck it up and stick it out with my XAH like she did with my emotionally abusive dad. Over time she revealed that she regretted staying with him all those years.

Quack quack quack. Ducks quack and they waggle their tails.

Katchie

You said yourself, he's a "winner". You can love your dad because he is your dad, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to and take to heart hurtful untrue (you said they were untrue!) things and let them define you and how you should feel and what you should be doing. Its a wagon load of hooey for sure.

I've always heard misery loves company, I think this is one of those instances that its true.

If you find good, true, healthy happiness, please don't feel guilty, be thankful! Maybe try not to share things with your dad that perhaps isn't his business anyway.

Blossom717

He definitely loves company when miserable. He was crying about having to give up his dog so he could find a place to live. (he has a pit bull that would really be better off with someone else).

I've noticed that every addict will see someone happy and try and make them feel guilty for it. They will make them feel like that their happiness is selfish

kudzujean

Me too, and I have decided that whoever said it was an absolute genius, up there with Einstein.

hopeful4

I agree that misery loves company.

Don't worry about what anyone else expects of you. They don't live your life, you do. And you deserve happiness. And little Blossom deserves a happy mom too!

Don't let anyone talk you down, as we all say, he was just quacking away!

XXX

lillamy

If your dad is an addict, I would listen as much to him as I would your average addict. Quacking never means anything. That said -- we're so conditioned to listen to and trust the judgment of our parents that it's really hard to ignore.

My parents were furious when I remarried after leaving AXH. They wanted me to move home, be closer to family, and I don't know what else, maybe start dressing in black and sweater sets and pearls and cut my hair short and become an old single lady? I don't know. I know that in my case, their concern was real -- I had picked a long series of helpless bozos for boyfriends, and they were convinced I'd do it again.

At the end of the day, the deal with parents is the same deal as the deal with addicts: You have to live with the choices you make; they don't. Therefore, they have no say in how you choose to live your life.

I'm glad you're not sitting at home crying. At the same time, getting into a new relationship on the heels of getting out of a dysfunctional one is difficult. The fact that you're dating an ACOA probably makes it less difficult. At least y'all are aware of what addiction-related dysfunction looks like.

Blossom717

lilamy - I think that the fact that he and I are both ACOA makes us understand each other better. Sadly, growing up in those situations has an effect on you as an adult, either good or bad and its hard for someone who hasn't been in that situation to understand. exabf grew up with an alcoholic father but decided to use it as an excuse to be like him. The "new guy" sees it as an example of what not to be, which I think is refreshing.

I wasn't planning on getting into a relationship so soon, but I was looking for a friendship of sorts. I have been working on boundaries now, and I will admit that keeping boundaries are a lot more important to me now with little blossom being my main focus.