Feeling desperate
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Feeling desperate
Out of no where I am feeling desperate for attention from the male species... To the point where I feel pathetic like I am losing my self control and want it now!!! I want attention from
Men who find me attractive who I have the hots for and because I am not getting it now I am turning into a psycho. I assume I have always been this way at times in my life but today is the first time ever that I have noticed it and felt it and my god it hurts so much I feel like driving the pain away with drugs or alcohol to make it stop but I won't I am going to feel it to heal it. I feel like I will never be loved again by someone i am actually into and that I am attracted too.. The pain feels very very old and very very deep like it's real old junk in my Trunk. It's so humiliating to see this part of me that wants to settle for crumbs out of fear!!
Has anyone else felt these clingy I want attention
Now I Am so desperate please look at me and call me and text me feelings?
Men who find me attractive who I have the hots for and because I am not getting it now I am turning into a psycho. I assume I have always been this way at times in my life but today is the first time ever that I have noticed it and felt it and my god it hurts so much I feel like driving the pain away with drugs or alcohol to make it stop but I won't I am going to feel it to heal it. I feel like I will never be loved again by someone i am actually into and that I am attracted too.. The pain feels very very old and very very deep like it's real old junk in my Trunk. It's so humiliating to see this part of me that wants to settle for crumbs out of fear!!
Has anyone else felt these clingy I want attention
Now I Am so desperate please look at me and call me and text me feelings?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sure.
We understand.
Top of my list is "To Love and Be Loved."
BUT you are NOT going to get that from an A, or by acting like one.
Generally Top of that list is to "Use and Be Used."
Best to you.
We understand.
Top of my list is "To Love and Be Loved."
BUT you are NOT going to get that from an A, or by acting like one.
Generally Top of that list is to "Use and Be Used."
Best to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, killerinstinct....yes, of course, I think many of us have gone through that. I think it's based on self-esteem. Low self-esteem, that is.
I agree with you. I think it's best to just sit out those feelings, learn from them, not give in to what could be very self-destructive by just jumping into some relationship based on an attempt to fill a giant hole we feel inside.
I've learned that life is much better when I do the work to be a complete, whole, and happy person on my own. Then I was capable of attracting the sort of man I really wanted in my life. Maybe begin by asking yourself what kind of life you want to lead, work, hobbies, volunteering....what's important to you? What interests you about this crazy world of ours?
I agree with you. I think it's best to just sit out those feelings, learn from them, not give in to what could be very self-destructive by just jumping into some relationship based on an attempt to fill a giant hole we feel inside.
I've learned that life is much better when I do the work to be a complete, whole, and happy person on my own. Then I was capable of attracting the sort of man I really wanted in my life. Maybe begin by asking yourself what kind of life you want to lead, work, hobbies, volunteering....what's important to you? What interests you about this crazy world of ours?
Last edited by Seren; 01-07-2015 at 04:18 AM. Reason: need more coffee!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Not saying that Seren is not correct. She generally is.
But I am not to keen on her "answer." But I could be wrong.
Killer, I pondered this some today, whilst walking through the Grocery Store.
I do not usually use a Shopping List, so I have to think about what I am supposed to get and want.
My heart speaks up and says -- I need/want to get a decent wife.
Well, one cannot argue with one's heart.
My Brain which always try to take things over when my Heart cannot started doing the math.
The Numerical Observations say that 8% of the General Population are A's of various sorts. Alcoholics, Addicts, whatever. Somewhat wider if you take in various Mental Illnesses that wander in and out of various addictions.
But let's say 10%.
Now taking the sub-groups within that -- many A's never seek ANY treatment, and just go through life . . . sort of like Drunk Drivers. Running into and over other people in relationships, their families, on and on. Many of us on here know of those types.
As another sub-group -- some A's sort of half-ass seek treatment but never really get clean or better -- we would tend to know these as Relapsers and/or Dry Drunks. Many of us on here also know of these types, as well.
And finally, last but best -- relatively few make through various programs, work them, do additional T work, if needed, and come out to be the Good Folks they can be.
But those are -- Relatively Few.
Which means that for folks like us -- let's call our condition "targets" for lack of a better word? We would be wise to avoid ALL A's and Users.
Question: So what does that leave US to work with?
Answer: Only 90% of the Population whom are NOT A's.
ummmm, dunno about you -- but 90% seems a rather favorable number, huh?
Now since that other 90% are rather functional -- they are going to tend to be busy and stable in their own long-term relationships. They live the way most of us would think life "should" be. So that does not mean they are out there for the taking -- but they are out there. In abundance.
But somehow WE seem to kick up the A's and Users, right? I am thinking the impact and our observations which drive our hyper-caution and fears are because we think there may be more A's / a-holes / Users than there really may be.
I think A's and Users have an undue influence exactly because of how they act. A's go around wrecking So Many other "target" peoples lives. One A harms Many. A's are sort of like the Serial Killers of others' emotional lives while they dump their self-generated misery on others.
Still points to the observation that one should stay away from A's.
But unlike Seren's observation -- I do not think that means we should be destined to be alone.
Like I say -- 90% Non-A's are pretty favorable numbers.
But I am not to keen on her "answer." But I could be wrong.
Killer, I pondered this some today, whilst walking through the Grocery Store.
I do not usually use a Shopping List, so I have to think about what I am supposed to get and want.
My heart speaks up and says -- I need/want to get a decent wife.
Well, one cannot argue with one's heart.
My Brain which always try to take things over when my Heart cannot started doing the math.
The Numerical Observations say that 8% of the General Population are A's of various sorts. Alcoholics, Addicts, whatever. Somewhat wider if you take in various Mental Illnesses that wander in and out of various addictions.
But let's say 10%.
Now taking the sub-groups within that -- many A's never seek ANY treatment, and just go through life . . . sort of like Drunk Drivers. Running into and over other people in relationships, their families, on and on. Many of us on here know of those types.
As another sub-group -- some A's sort of half-ass seek treatment but never really get clean or better -- we would tend to know these as Relapsers and/or Dry Drunks. Many of us on here also know of these types, as well.
And finally, last but best -- relatively few make through various programs, work them, do additional T work, if needed, and come out to be the Good Folks they can be.
But those are -- Relatively Few.
Which means that for folks like us -- let's call our condition "targets" for lack of a better word? We would be wise to avoid ALL A's and Users.
Question: So what does that leave US to work with?
Answer: Only 90% of the Population whom are NOT A's.
ummmm, dunno about you -- but 90% seems a rather favorable number, huh?
Now since that other 90% are rather functional -- they are going to tend to be busy and stable in their own long-term relationships. They live the way most of us would think life "should" be. So that does not mean they are out there for the taking -- but they are out there. In abundance.
But somehow WE seem to kick up the A's and Users, right? I am thinking the impact and our observations which drive our hyper-caution and fears are because we think there may be more A's / a-holes / Users than there really may be.
I think A's and Users have an undue influence exactly because of how they act. A's go around wrecking So Many other "target" peoples lives. One A harms Many. A's are sort of like the Serial Killers of others' emotional lives while they dump their self-generated misery on others.
Still points to the observation that one should stay away from A's.
But unlike Seren's observation -- I do not think that means we should be destined to be alone.
Like I say -- 90% Non-A's are pretty favorable numbers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I feel like I will never be loved again by someone
But WHY do I feel that way? Usually because I'm missing a sense of security. That makes me feel scared and then I start acting in ways that I know are dysfunctional (Hey, you, go there and do this. And you over there, come here and do this!) and even though I know it's not right I don't know how else TO feel or what to do to make it feel better.
Today I talked with my sponsor about what does provide me with security? Tough question. Do I find some security from my husband being sober today? Yes. Can I count on that every day? No. She told me that I'm not likely to find an answer very quickly which kind of sucks but it does give me something to think about instead. You know what her constant is? A higher power. Something bigger than herself. God. Or the ocean. Or a group of healthy minded people all working towards common purposes.
I also want to add, when I was learning how to meditate from the app Headspace, it described the purpose of the meditation as the ability to have thoughts and not become obsessed with them. It showed a cartoon of a man sitting on the side of the road and watching cars go by that were labeled with emotions and feelings, anger, anxiety, loneliness, then an ice cream truck went by and he chased after it becoming obsessed with that thought. Man oh man, I have been chasing after cars for a long ass time. Try not chasing this car, watch this feeling, acknowledge it and see what other cars are driving by.
Here is the animation (it explains it so much better than I did!!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xAeJKgupPI
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by killerinstinct 
Out of no where I am feeling desperate for attention from the male species... To the point where I feel pathetic like I am losing my self control and want it now!!! I want attention from
Men who find me attractive who I have the hots for and because I am not getting it now I am turning into a psycho. I assume I have always been this way at times in my life but today is the first time ever that I have noticed it and felt it and my god it hurts so much I feel like driving the pain away with drugs or alcohol to make it stop but I won't I am going to feel it to heal it. I feel like I will never be loved again by someone i am actually into and that I am attracted too.. The pain feels very very old and very very deep like it's real old junk in my Trunk. It's so humiliating to see this part of me that wants to settle for crumbs out of fear!!
Has anyone else felt these clingy I want attention
Now I Am so desperate please look at me and call me and text me feelings?
Men who find me attractive who I have the hots for and because I am not getting it now I am turning into a psycho. I assume I have always been this way at times in my life but today is the first time ever that I have noticed it and felt it and my god it hurts so much I feel like driving the pain away with drugs or alcohol to make it stop but I won't I am going to feel it to heal it. I feel like I will never be loved again by someone i am actually into and that I am attracted too.. The pain feels very very old and very very deep like it's real old junk in my Trunk. It's so humiliating to see this part of me that wants to settle for crumbs out of fear!!
Has anyone else felt these clingy I want attention
Now I Am so desperate please look at me and call me and text me feelings?
Yes, I've felt like that. I do like the way you wrote this up, because even though I felt that way, I wouldn't have been able to describe that primal instinct of deprivation that we go through in abusive relationships. It's a feeling of wanting to be seen, wanting to be heard, wanting to just feel like a human being, wanting to know that you exist to other people, because what you were seeing and hearing, is like you were a no one. A nothing. Not a person. Like you were laying in pain hoping that someone could see you, touch you, feel your emotions, know that you are alive.
I see you killerinstinct. I am like you. I was you. I can also feel all the pain that you are feeling, and I want to take that away from you.
I hope you are still listening, because the thing is, and this is not something that I wanted to hear, we become better when we begin to love ourselves. I didn't love me, I guess sometimes I still wonder if I do.
No guy is going to make you feel better, that's almost the same as me drinking to forget. We do these things to ourselves and maybe it is a twofold thing. We need to self medicate, whether it is alcohol or sex. It good while it last, (maybe, that starts to get old also), but it feels worse and worse for us, because we need nothing to help ourselves except to relieve the pain for awhile.
Just remember I see you, I hear you, and I care so much for you.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hammer...I didn't get that Seren was saying that we are destined to be alone....
What I thought she was saying is (basically)..."Get your s*** together before you rush into something out of pure "neediness".
dandylion
What I thought she was saying is (basically)..."Get your s*** together before you rush into something out of pure "neediness".
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hammer is right. There is somebody out there for you.
Seren is right. You'll attract the kind of guy you really want to spend the rest of your life with when you are secure enough in yourself and happy enough with yourself to convey that to the kind of guy you want. Make peace within yourself, and peaceful people will come to you.
For me, 2.5 years out of a terribly abusive relationship, I am just turning the corner on this. It will happen for you. For me, what helped was looking deep into that desparation inside myself to have someone, have my old abusive husband back, deep enough to get to the guts of who I am and what I need and what I can genuinely offer. And now, it doesn't feel desperate to think about a new relationship, it feels like a door opening to happiness. It took a lot of soul searching to get here, and I think, finally I think I am getting here and it is worth the effort and pain.
I don't think I'm expressing this very well, but it is worth it to hold on through these rapids of emotion because you come out of it different. Happier.
Maybe it is that when we aren't using a relationship to fill a hole in ourselves, we can truly be in a relationship.
ShootingStar1
Seren is right. You'll attract the kind of guy you really want to spend the rest of your life with when you are secure enough in yourself and happy enough with yourself to convey that to the kind of guy you want. Make peace within yourself, and peaceful people will come to you.
For me, 2.5 years out of a terribly abusive relationship, I am just turning the corner on this. It will happen for you. For me, what helped was looking deep into that desparation inside myself to have someone, have my old abusive husband back, deep enough to get to the guts of who I am and what I need and what I can genuinely offer. And now, it doesn't feel desperate to think about a new relationship, it feels like a door opening to happiness. It took a lot of soul searching to get here, and I think, finally I think I am getting here and it is worth the effort and pain.
I don't think I'm expressing this very well, but it is worth it to hold on through these rapids of emotion because you come out of it different. Happier.
Maybe it is that when we aren't using a relationship to fill a hole in ourselves, we can truly be in a relationship.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Wow KI,
I read your posts often and hurt for you. I've also hoped for you.
As hard as this is, it sounds like you are doing some inner work and making progress. You are nailing some important "stuff" to the wall here. You just may have identified and acknowledged your drug of choice.
This is a huge step in a recovery which can change your path.
Without this step, only the dance partner will change, not the dance.
(((Hugs from one who has been there!)))
I read your posts often and hurt for you. I've also hoped for you.
As hard as this is, it sounds like you are doing some inner work and making progress. You are nailing some important "stuff" to the wall here. You just may have identified and acknowledged your drug of choice.
This is a huge step in a recovery which can change your path.
Without this step, only the dance partner will change, not the dance.
(((Hugs from one who has been there!)))
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Hammer
But unlike Seren's observation -- I do not think that means we should be destined to be alone.
Holy Misinterpretation, Batman! "Seren's observation" had absolutely nothing to do with being "destined to be alone" for the love of humanity, Hammer!
All I'm saying, based on my own problems with relationships, is that I had to learn to be happy and healthy and whole on my own before I could be part of a happy and healthy couple.
If I bounce from relationship to relationship because I'm afraid of being alone or I need attention from a man to make me feel good about myself, then the chances are that any relationship formed under those circumstances will not be happy or healthy.
Once past my fear of being alone and once I could feel good about myself without the approval of a man or anyone else, for that matter, then I was in a healthy enough place to form a lasting relationship.
Now, tell me, where in all this does it say that I believe some people are destined to be alone?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I feel like I will never be loved again by someone i am actually into and that I am attracted too.
I think this is actually a good sign maybe, because your history (recent included) shows that you are attracted to ""problem people". Join the club lol. I used to say that in a room of 500 men I could pigeon hole the one with the most issues in under 5 minutes and secure a move in within 30. Gotta have a project. What has become clear through this process is that while the only A I can remember is RAH - the others also had addiction issues whether it be sex, or gambling, or had mental issues like depression. They ALL had problems. All of them. And I found that to be incredibly appealing. To be honest also very sexually attractive as well.
A's and addicts can certainly have charisma. The others had a "depth" to them making them unique, and something that I wanted to get to the bottom to.
Revealed is my malfunction of codependency. I got security out of it. They need me to figure them out and fix their problems, you know - because I can fix anyone. LOL. In reflection I see now they did need me to enable their problems I didn't fix ANYTHING.
This is not something that normal people look for in a relationship, in fact a normie would run from this or not get beyond a few dates. And it was my M.O. for as long as I can remember.
I applaud you that you are recognizing this even though it is uncomfortable for you. Yes, you will find someone that you are attracted to again. I think you also recognize your missteps and aren't willing to repeat them with another.. I hope so anyway. Working on your codependency issues will correct this - you'll find things attractive again with the right men, the men you WANT to be attracted to will also find you attractive. IME "normie" men will not stay with a co-dependent. They don't like it AT ALL.
All this is theory…..take what you want. Glad you are coming here and talking about it I think it affects several people when they want to get back out and date.
I think this is actually a good sign maybe, because your history (recent included) shows that you are attracted to ""problem people". Join the club lol. I used to say that in a room of 500 men I could pigeon hole the one with the most issues in under 5 minutes and secure a move in within 30. Gotta have a project. What has become clear through this process is that while the only A I can remember is RAH - the others also had addiction issues whether it be sex, or gambling, or had mental issues like depression. They ALL had problems. All of them. And I found that to be incredibly appealing. To be honest also very sexually attractive as well.
A's and addicts can certainly have charisma. The others had a "depth" to them making them unique, and something that I wanted to get to the bottom to.
Revealed is my malfunction of codependency. I got security out of it. They need me to figure them out and fix their problems, you know - because I can fix anyone. LOL. In reflection I see now they did need me to enable their problems I didn't fix ANYTHING.
This is not something that normal people look for in a relationship, in fact a normie would run from this or not get beyond a few dates. And it was my M.O. for as long as I can remember.
I applaud you that you are recognizing this even though it is uncomfortable for you. Yes, you will find someone that you are attracted to again. I think you also recognize your missteps and aren't willing to repeat them with another.. I hope so anyway. Working on your codependency issues will correct this - you'll find things attractive again with the right men, the men you WANT to be attracted to will also find you attractive. IME "normie" men will not stay with a co-dependent. They don't like it AT ALL.
All this is theory…..take what you want. Glad you are coming here and talking about it I think it affects several people when they want to get back out and date.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by Seren
Holy Misinterpretation, Batman! "Seren's observation" had absolutely nothing to do with being "destined to be alone" for the love of humanity, Hammer!
. . . . .
Now, tell me, where in all this does it say that I believe some people are destined to be alone?
. . . . .
Now, tell me, where in all this does it say that I believe some people are destined to be alone?
Thank you.
Sorry.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by freetosmile
Wow Hammer-
What a great post! Thanks so much for that- it was really helpful to me today.
What a great post! Thanks so much for that- it was really helpful to me today.
You understand that it was a little nutty. at least a little.
Hope you get the:
"relatively few make through various programs, work them, do additional T work, if needed, and come out to be the Good Folks they can be"
with yours.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
Quote Amy55
Yes, I've felt like that. I do like the way you wrote this up, because even though I felt that way, I wouldn't have been able to describe that primal instinct of deprivation that we go through in abusive relationships. It's a feeling of wanting to be seen, wanting to be heard, wanting to just feel like a human being, wanting to know that you exist to other people, because what you were seeing and hearing, is like you were a no one. A nothing. Not a person. Like you were laying in pain hoping that someone could see you, touch you, feel your emotions, know that you are alive.
I see you killerinstinct. I am like you. I was you. I can also feel all the pain that you are feeling, and I want to take that away from you.
I hope you are still listening, because the thing is, and this is not something that I wanted to hear, we become better when we begin to love ourselves. I didn't love me, I guess sometimes I still wonder if I do.
No guy is going to make you feel better, that's almost the same as me drinking to forget. We do these things to ourselves and maybe it is a twofold thing. We need to self medicate, whether it is alcohol or sex. It good while it last, (maybe, that starts to get old also), but it feels worse and worse for us, because we need nothing to help ourselves except to relieve the pain for awhile.
Just remember I see you, I hear you, and I care so much for you.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy[/QUOTE]
Amy, you said this so well and its resonating with me right now. So many of my struggles are based around this and I'm trying to understand and find something in myself to love to begin to turn it around in my life. I'm at the point of implosion right now. I, thankfully, found a good couselor that I just started meeting with. She does alcoholic counseling as well, so will have some insights for me that a regular counselor might not. These types of posts help me understand that I'm not so alone in the world. Hugs to all of us!!
Yes, I've felt like that. I do like the way you wrote this up, because even though I felt that way, I wouldn't have been able to describe that primal instinct of deprivation that we go through in abusive relationships. It's a feeling of wanting to be seen, wanting to be heard, wanting to just feel like a human being, wanting to know that you exist to other people, because what you were seeing and hearing, is like you were a no one. A nothing. Not a person. Like you were laying in pain hoping that someone could see you, touch you, feel your emotions, know that you are alive.
I see you killerinstinct. I am like you. I was you. I can also feel all the pain that you are feeling, and I want to take that away from you.
I hope you are still listening, because the thing is, and this is not something that I wanted to hear, we become better when we begin to love ourselves. I didn't love me, I guess sometimes I still wonder if I do.
No guy is going to make you feel better, that's almost the same as me drinking to forget. We do these things to ourselves and maybe it is a twofold thing. We need to self medicate, whether it is alcohol or sex. It good while it last, (maybe, that starts to get old also), but it feels worse and worse for us, because we need nothing to help ourselves except to relieve the pain for awhile.
Just remember I see you, I hear you, and I care so much for you.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy[/QUOTE]
Amy, you said this so well and its resonating with me right now. So many of my struggles are based around this and I'm trying to understand and find something in myself to love to begin to turn it around in my life. I'm at the point of implosion right now. I, thankfully, found a good couselor that I just started meeting with. She does alcoholic counseling as well, so will have some insights for me that a regular counselor might not. These types of posts help me understand that I'm not so alone in the world. Hugs to all of us!!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If I bounce from relationship to relationship because I'm afraid of being alone or I need attention from a man to make me feel good about myself, then the chances are that any relationship formed under those circumstances will not be happy or healthy.
So I worked on ME. I got comfortable being ME, being alone, and relating to the people around me as other human beings and friends, regardless of gender. I saw my male friends as friends, not as potential lovers. And that's how I found the man I'm married to today. When I wasn't looking, when I was busy living.
And it's the first healthy couple-relationship I have had in my entire life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Stung, your post is AMAZING.
I am with Seren on this. You are definitely not destined to be alone, but you need to get to a healthy place in that you are happy just being YOU. When you are in this desperate and unhealthy frame of mind you are going to form relationships with the wrong sort of person, and it will be an evil cycle.
You are making big progress, give yourself a break. Recognize the feelings and as Stung said, let those emotions go by without becoming obsessed with them.
Tight Hugs!
I am with Seren on this. You are definitely not destined to be alone, but you need to get to a healthy place in that you are happy just being YOU. When you are in this desperate and unhealthy frame of mind you are going to form relationships with the wrong sort of person, and it will be an evil cycle.
You are making big progress, give yourself a break. Recognize the feelings and as Stung said, let those emotions go by without becoming obsessed with them.
Tight Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Just agreeing with the others here. I have had the same thoughts and the same issue, you are not alone!
I am at that point where lillamy was where I say to h*ll with men, all of them. But, I know that it will change eventually. My AH and I have basically been separated for nearly 3 years. We just live in the same house but when I start obsessing over what he's doing or what he's drinking or where he's been, etc. then I know I have a lot of work to do on ME. Honestly, I worked through a lot of that over the past 6 months and I think it was the catalyst that has led me to file for divorce. I am finally not caring about where he goes, what he drinks, etc....I just want to move on with my life.
That being said, I know that I am not healthy enough for another relationship for quite some time. Recognizing these things within ourselves takes courage and you have just that, killerinstinct! You are seeing these things within yourself and you're being honest with YOU and with us here. That is a great step towards recovery and towards a healthier relationship in the future.
Seeing red flags in others is HUGE because it helps us make decisions, set boundaries, and teaches us to love ourselves.
Seeing red flags in OURSELVES....that's even bigger. It shows us that we are not afraid to turn the mirror on ourselves and to inspect our heart issues and that we aren't afraid of learning more about who we are and what makes us tick. Do you know how many people walk around never getting in touch with themselves? Be proud of where you are at and just keep pushing forward. HUGS!
I am at that point where lillamy was where I say to h*ll with men, all of them. But, I know that it will change eventually. My AH and I have basically been separated for nearly 3 years. We just live in the same house but when I start obsessing over what he's doing or what he's drinking or where he's been, etc. then I know I have a lot of work to do on ME. Honestly, I worked through a lot of that over the past 6 months and I think it was the catalyst that has led me to file for divorce. I am finally not caring about where he goes, what he drinks, etc....I just want to move on with my life.
That being said, I know that I am not healthy enough for another relationship for quite some time. Recognizing these things within ourselves takes courage and you have just that, killerinstinct! You are seeing these things within yourself and you're being honest with YOU and with us here. That is a great step towards recovery and towards a healthier relationship in the future.
Seeing red flags in others is HUGE because it helps us make decisions, set boundaries, and teaches us to love ourselves.
Seeing red flags in OURSELVES....that's even bigger. It shows us that we are not afraid to turn the mirror on ourselves and to inspect our heart issues and that we aren't afraid of learning more about who we are and what makes us tick. Do you know how many people walk around never getting in touch with themselves? Be proud of where you are at and just keep pushing forward. HUGS!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Hammer
Not saying that Seren is not correct. She generally is.
But I am not to keen on her "answer." But I could be wrong.
Killer, I pondered this some today, whilst walking through the Grocery Store.
I do not usually use a Shopping List, so I have to think about what I am supposed to get and want.
My heart speaks up and says -- I need/want to get a decent wife.
Well, one cannot argue with one's heart.
My Brain which always try to take things over when my Heart cannot started doing the math.
The Numerical Observations say that 8% of the General Population are A's of various sorts. Alcoholics, Addicts, whatever. Somewhat wider if you take in various Mental Illnesses that wander in and out of various addictions.
But let's say 10%.
Now taking the sub-groups within that -- many A's never seek ANY treatment, and just go through life . . . sort of like Drunk Drivers. Running into and over other people in relationships, their families, on and on. Many of us on here know of those types.
As another sub-group -- some A's sort of half-ass seek treatment but never really get clean or better -- we would tend to know these as Relapsers and/or Dry Drunks. Many of us on here also know of these types, as well.
And finally, last but best -- relatively few make through various programs, work them, do additional T work, if needed, and come out to be the Good Folks they can be.
But those are -- Relatively Few.
Which means that for folks like us -- let's call our condition "targets" for lack of a better word? We would be wise to avoid ALL A's and Users.
Question: So what does that leave US to work with?
Answer: Only 90% of the Population whom are NOT A's.
ummmm, dunno about you -- but 90% seems a rather favorable number, huh?
Now since that other 90% are rather functional -- they are going to tend to be busy and stable in their own long-term relationships. They live the way most of us would think life "should" be. So that does not mean they are out there for the taking -- but they are out there. In abundance.
But somehow WE seem to kick up the A's and Users, right? I am thinking the impact and our observations which drive our hyper-caution and fears are because we think there may be more A's / a-holes / Users than there really may be.
I think A's and Users have an undue influence exactly because of how they act. A's go around wrecking So Many other "target" peoples lives. One A harms Many. A's are sort of like the Serial Killers of others' emotional lives while they dump their self-generated misery on others.
Still points to the observation that one should stay away from A's.
But unlike Seren's observation -- I do not think that means we should be destined to be alone.
Like I say -- 90% Non-A's are pretty favorable numbers.
But I am not to keen on her "answer." But I could be wrong.
Killer, I pondered this some today, whilst walking through the Grocery Store.
I do not usually use a Shopping List, so I have to think about what I am supposed to get and want.
My heart speaks up and says -- I need/want to get a decent wife.
Well, one cannot argue with one's heart.
My Brain which always try to take things over when my Heart cannot started doing the math.
The Numerical Observations say that 8% of the General Population are A's of various sorts. Alcoholics, Addicts, whatever. Somewhat wider if you take in various Mental Illnesses that wander in and out of various addictions.
But let's say 10%.
Now taking the sub-groups within that -- many A's never seek ANY treatment, and just go through life . . . sort of like Drunk Drivers. Running into and over other people in relationships, their families, on and on. Many of us on here know of those types.
As another sub-group -- some A's sort of half-ass seek treatment but never really get clean or better -- we would tend to know these as Relapsers and/or Dry Drunks. Many of us on here also know of these types, as well.
And finally, last but best -- relatively few make through various programs, work them, do additional T work, if needed, and come out to be the Good Folks they can be.
But those are -- Relatively Few.
Which means that for folks like us -- let's call our condition "targets" for lack of a better word? We would be wise to avoid ALL A's and Users.
Question: So what does that leave US to work with?
Answer: Only 90% of the Population whom are NOT A's.
ummmm, dunno about you -- but 90% seems a rather favorable number, huh?
Now since that other 90% are rather functional -- they are going to tend to be busy and stable in their own long-term relationships. They live the way most of us would think life "should" be. So that does not mean they are out there for the taking -- but they are out there. In abundance.
But somehow WE seem to kick up the A's and Users, right? I am thinking the impact and our observations which drive our hyper-caution and fears are because we think there may be more A's / a-holes / Users than there really may be.
I think A's and Users have an undue influence exactly because of how they act. A's go around wrecking So Many other "target" peoples lives. One A harms Many. A's are sort of like the Serial Killers of others' emotional lives while they dump their self-generated misery on others.
Still points to the observation that one should stay away from A's.
But unlike Seren's observation -- I do not think that means we should be destined to be alone.
Like I say -- 90% Non-A's are pretty favorable numbers.
I politely disagree with these statistics. While it may be true that only 10% of he population uses, I have read that every active alcoholic directly affects at least 5 other people. In my Alky's case, it is a hell of a lot more than that if you count his co-workers and those he serves at work. In fact, we're talking hundreds.
We codies who are working our programs know that we can be just as sick as they are. I think the influence on our culture of those 10% is pernicious and far-reaching. I think it is challenging to find a partner who does NOT have some issue with addiction, even if removed from the situation several people.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I felt lonely too for a while. Then, I started saying "F this" to the world and really jumped into my life. Stopped being so self-conscious, stopped waiting for others to give me what I wanted, stopped taking **** from EVERYONE including my family. It has been an adjustment for many people in my life. They don't like it too much. Oh well. I live 100x's more serenely (is that a word?) than before. The power of NO is a great thing. What I found was that I attracted a new set of people. However, I wan't too into settling, so I did not rush into anything for a long time.
Killer, you seem all over the place with your recent threads. ExA stalking or breaking some protective order, a new man who is also an addict or former addict, a new protective order, etc... In a fairly short time frame you have experienced some pretty extreme stuff: high highs, low lows. A therapist once told me that I needed to strive to stay in the middle and not on the extreme highs and lows. I do that now and life is far easier, less exciting, but more stable.
What do you think might be going on inside of you?
Killer, you seem all over the place with your recent threads. ExA stalking or breaking some protective order, a new man who is also an addict or former addict, a new protective order, etc... In a fairly short time frame you have experienced some pretty extreme stuff: high highs, low lows. A therapist once told me that I needed to strive to stay in the middle and not on the extreme highs and lows. I do that now and life is far easier, less exciting, but more stable.
What do you think might be going on inside of you?
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