DanCO

I am six days removed from my latest relapse, and while I feel physically fine I find myself waking up in the night so very terrified, as if the many years of excitement, anger, sickness and guilt were never so far removed and are glaring at me through the darkened curtains in my room, smiling at me like two shadows. I sit up in my room, with my wife soundly sleeping next to me, and sometimes wonder if my last relapse, like all
my recent blackouts, were really a dream? I try to push this episode from my conscience mind, but I cannot calm this slight panic and it hurts my heart. I know it was real, I was a monster and an embarrassment and out of control, and I want to explain to everyone "that wasn't me, that wasn't real...no more real than the stories you tell each other as children at a campfire...it wasn't real, only make believe, like acting, it wasn't me...it wasn't me..." and I get up and look out my window.

There are a billion stars beaming here in CO and watching each burst under these clear, cold nights makes me feel so slight, so foreign, and I think about so many of those wasted dreams, all the lost nights when I was wrecked out of my mind, in panic, in joy because I knew what wasn't real, what wasn't a dream anymore, and I want to forget all those conscience fears and forget the problems of my present, of my adult alcoholic self, and be young and naive and oblivious to this disease.

I have to tell myself it will get better. I tell myself I have the strength this time. I love and am loved.
I have wronged but I am a good man with a large heart.

Best to All

Soberwolf

Hi Danco the important thing is your sober now use this time to get well & strenghten your sobriety

them stars must look beautiful i like the stars

know you got 24/7 support and that acceptance is key

all the best bud

SoberLeigh

Look out at those stars, DanCO, and on the vastness in which they exist and know that your future is just as vast - open to newness, possibility, promise. . . . Whatever you make it.

Congratulations on 6 days and on the beautiful future which awaits you.

Anna

Dan, forgiving yourself is part of the process of recovery. But, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. We all did things we regret when we were drinking and they are things that we can't change. But, what we can do is to focus on recovery and repairing our lives. You are not a bad person.

Hevyn

Thank you for a heartfelt post Dan. I've felt exactly that way, but I had to stop with the fear and dread. Concentrate on what is yet to be - the best days of your life. We're with you.

bigsombrero

Nicely posted - it's tough re-living those rough nights. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The past can't be repeated, or changed. The only thing that matters is the present, and if you're sober now then you are doing all you can. That's the real you. Good luck and keep on pluggin' away and posting.

Wastinglife

I am almost a year sober and still having trouble dealing with my past drunken misdeeds. I am seeing a therapist now to work through the guilt and shame. It's all part of the process that alcoholics have to go through before we truly are free from the clutches of addiction. Great post!

mns1

Keep telling yourself that Danco hang in there!

headcase1

Thank you for your post Dan.If I ever find myself about to drink,I hope I remember your post.I'll also remember my last drunken night, having to have my neighbors wife hold my hand in the ER. What a sight I must have been,but never again!

PurpleKnight

It will get better Dan!! Keep pushing through!!

JanieJ

It will get better.

You can do this, we will support you.

DanCO

42 days sober. Unbelievable.

Everything feels strange, different, but very comfortable. I'm content...for the first time in 10-years I feel content. I don't feel "great" But bouts of excitability and impulsivity has waned. Even my posture has improved

Never would have thought I would have made it this far. A day at a time...

Best to All

Soberwolf

42 days sober is fantastic Danco

Ironic when we first spoke in this thread we spoke of starts and im now currently watching intersteller

You sir are awesome