90 days...ramblings...
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
90 days...ramblings...
With newcomers in mind, I'm not going to go into all the ups and downs, but maybe someone can relate to a bit of history.
I drank and took drugs for 38 years.
I drifted through life, not able to process emotions or past hurts, simply floating wherever life chose to take me. I made up new age excuses for my lack of direction, such as " I always go with the flow, it's fate, its destiny, nothing is real anyway ".
For all my hippy new ageyness, though, I was a liar, a waster, a burden on society and a manipulative drama queen- a real pain in the a**. Far too self- centred to walk my talk.
I didn't end up in hospital, in a mental institution or a prison cell.
I did cultivate bad attitude, defensiveness and a chip on my shoulder.
My drinking career has been one long string of bad relationships, casual jobs, bad credit, laziness, drama and self pity, absolutely no self- control, and a total inability to do anything about any of it.
I turned away from any kind of real spirituality.
Everything was everyone else's fault, and I prided myself on my alternative lifestyle, and all those "straight" people were wrong and misguided. I was ridiculously judgemental.
I realise now that I felt frozen, encased in a bubble of helplessness, detached from the real world by the armour of my rebelliousness. I put a great deal of energy into trying to run away from myself.
It's hard to look at all those years gone by with pretty much nothing to show for 52 years of life on this planet, and I deeply regret that.
But now, at least I can salvage what's left of my life, and perhaps turn it around and be of real, concrete use to someone, and to society, at last. I have old issues to sort out now, and work to do on myself, but that's something that must be faced, so I will face it. And I' m grateful to be able to even write that.
I've only just started on this journey. It's still going to be a roller coaster, because that's what life is.
But the main thing is, I'm present. I'm here. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I do have faith that I will find the way, with God's grace.
My addictions twisted and distorted everything that is good and wholesome. Everything.
Thank you guys
Without you, I would still be lost
I drank and took drugs for 38 years.
I drifted through life, not able to process emotions or past hurts, simply floating wherever life chose to take me. I made up new age excuses for my lack of direction, such as " I always go with the flow, it's fate, its destiny, nothing is real anyway ".
For all my hippy new ageyness, though, I was a liar, a waster, a burden on society and a manipulative drama queen- a real pain in the a**. Far too self- centred to walk my talk.
I didn't end up in hospital, in a mental institution or a prison cell.
I did cultivate bad attitude, defensiveness and a chip on my shoulder.
My drinking career has been one long string of bad relationships, casual jobs, bad credit, laziness, drama and self pity, absolutely no self- control, and a total inability to do anything about any of it.
I turned away from any kind of real spirituality.
Everything was everyone else's fault, and I prided myself on my alternative lifestyle, and all those "straight" people were wrong and misguided. I was ridiculously judgemental.
I realise now that I felt frozen, encased in a bubble of helplessness, detached from the real world by the armour of my rebelliousness. I put a great deal of energy into trying to run away from myself.
It's hard to look at all those years gone by with pretty much nothing to show for 52 years of life on this planet, and I deeply regret that.
But now, at least I can salvage what's left of my life, and perhaps turn it around and be of real, concrete use to someone, and to society, at last. I have old issues to sort out now, and work to do on myself, but that's something that must be faced, so I will face it. And I' m grateful to be able to even write that.
I've only just started on this journey. It's still going to be a roller coaster, because that's what life is.
But the main thing is, I'm present. I'm here. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I do have faith that I will find the way, with God's grace.
My addictions twisted and distorted everything that is good and wholesome. Everything.
Thank you guys
Without you, I would still be lost
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Originally Posted by JanieJ 
But the main thing is, I'm present. I'm here. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I do have faith that I will find the way, with God's grace.:
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 780
Originally Posted by JanieJ
With newcomers in mind, I'm not going to go into all the ups and downs, but maybe someone can relate to a bit of history.
I drank and took drugs for 38 years.
I drifted through life, not able to process emotions or past hurts, simply floating wherever life chose to take me. I made up new age excuses for my lack of direction, such as " I always go with the flow, it's fate, its destiny, nothing is real anyway ".
For all my hippy new ageyness, though, I was a liar, a waster, a burden on society and a manipulative drama queen- a real pain in the a**. Far too self- centred to walk my talk.
I didn't end up in hospital, in a mental institution or a prison cell.
I did cultivate bad attitude, defensiveness and a chip on my shoulder.
My drinking career has been one long string of bad relationships, casual jobs, bad credit, laziness, drama and self pity, absolutely no self- control, and a total inability to do anything about any of it.
I turned away from any kind of real spirituality.
Everything was everyone else's fault, and I prided myself on my alternative lifestyle, and all those "straight" people were wrong and misguided. I was ridiculously judgemental.
I realise now that I felt frozen, encased in a bubble of helplessness, detached from the real world by the armour of my rebelliousness. I put a great deal of energy into trying to run away from myself.
It's hard to look at all those years gone by with pretty much nothing to show for 52 years of life on this planet, and I deeply regret that.
But now, at least I can salvage what's left of my life, and perhaps turn it around and be of real, concrete use to someone, and to society, at last. I have old issues to sort out now, and work to do on myself, but that's something that must be faced, so I will face it. And I' m grateful to be able to even write that.
I've only just started on this journey. It's still going to be a roller coaster, because that's what life is.
But the main thing is, I'm present. I'm here. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I do have faith that I will find the way, with God's grace.
My addictions twisted and distorted everything that is good and wholesome. Everything.
Thank you guys
Without you, I would still be lost
I drank and took drugs for 38 years.
I drifted through life, not able to process emotions or past hurts, simply floating wherever life chose to take me. I made up new age excuses for my lack of direction, such as " I always go with the flow, it's fate, its destiny, nothing is real anyway ".
For all my hippy new ageyness, though, I was a liar, a waster, a burden on society and a manipulative drama queen- a real pain in the a**. Far too self- centred to walk my talk.
I didn't end up in hospital, in a mental institution or a prison cell.
I did cultivate bad attitude, defensiveness and a chip on my shoulder.
My drinking career has been one long string of bad relationships, casual jobs, bad credit, laziness, drama and self pity, absolutely no self- control, and a total inability to do anything about any of it.
I turned away from any kind of real spirituality.
Everything was everyone else's fault, and I prided myself on my alternative lifestyle, and all those "straight" people were wrong and misguided. I was ridiculously judgemental.
I realise now that I felt frozen, encased in a bubble of helplessness, detached from the real world by the armour of my rebelliousness. I put a great deal of energy into trying to run away from myself.
It's hard to look at all those years gone by with pretty much nothing to show for 52 years of life on this planet, and I deeply regret that.
But now, at least I can salvage what's left of my life, and perhaps turn it around and be of real, concrete use to someone, and to society, at last. I have old issues to sort out now, and work to do on myself, but that's something that must be faced, so I will face it. And I' m grateful to be able to even write that.
I've only just started on this journey. It's still going to be a roller coaster, because that's what life is.
But the main thing is, I'm present. I'm here. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I do have faith that I will find the way, with God's grace.
My addictions twisted and distorted everything that is good and wholesome. Everything.
Thank you guys
Without you, I would still be lost
Well done again.
Leigh x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by Eshgham
That was an engaging and brutally honest self reflection Janie. Congrats on your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Europe
Posts: 170
Congratulations on 90 days!
Can relate very well to what you have written. I wasted a decade on drugs/alcohol and have to start rebuilding my life from scratch. Education, job, fix relationships, work on bettering myself, but I like to look at this as a new given chance in sober life -- a re-start of my life without the complications of addiction.
90 days is fantastic! Way to go!
Can relate very well to what you have written. I wasted a decade on drugs/alcohol and have to start rebuilding my life from scratch. Education, job, fix relationships, work on bettering myself, but I like to look at this as a new given chance in sober life -- a re-start of my life without the complications of addiction.
90 days is fantastic! Way to go!
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
yeah I agree. Equal parts engaging and brutally honest. What done is done now though and its in the past. You are 90 days into a journey to a new you, really well done on that so don't be too hard on yourself. Now that you are taking responsibility for who you are and what happens to you, you can be a little gentle on yourself also.
I know, Ub, it's one of things I have to learn, being gentle on myself.
Thank you for your kind thoughts my friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Thanks JJ. I've been waxing heavily on my wasted past a lot lately and need some of it to get moving but your posting so matter-of-fact helped me. Stuff done that can be done differently now (with some work). That's real. I'm hopeful too but better than that I'm going the small-gain route and it's working. I don't smoke anymore and for the last month been active in a fitness thread (and on the treadmill). I do feel better so maybe a sustained fitness regime is working and I value it. I'm gonna be practicing for the rest of my life I guess. 90 days is awesome!
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