Back to where I was
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Back to where I was
I was here about 3 months ago, thinking about what it would be like to admit that I have a problem with alcohol. I lasted 14 days when I decided that I was ok, and could handle another drink. Since then, it seems like I am drinking more! I find I am in a pattern of drinking...drink one night, sick one day, feel better one day, drink again. I am now on a sick day yet again.
I now notice that I started to rationalize my drinking over the last 3 months. I said things like, "yup, did it again! Oh Well, the past is in the past, today is a new day!" I found myself ignoring my last visit here....ignoring that 3 months ago I thought I was an alcoholic....ignoring that I once tried to quit drinking...ignoring that 3 months ago I KNEW I had to quit drinking.
I am now back and I am going to try again. I didn't tell anyone yet, I am to embarrassed to admit to anyone but myself that I have a problem. I am really going to try this time, and I know this forum will help me.
I now notice that I started to rationalize my drinking over the last 3 months. I said things like, "yup, did it again! Oh Well, the past is in the past, today is a new day!" I found myself ignoring my last visit here....ignoring that 3 months ago I thought I was an alcoholic....ignoring that I once tried to quit drinking...ignoring that 3 months ago I KNEW I had to quit drinking.
I am now back and I am going to try again. I didn't tell anyone yet, I am to embarrassed to admit to anyone but myself that I have a problem. I am really going to try this time, and I know this forum will help me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome back, Cauliflower. Glad to hear that you are committing to sobriety.
Remember that SR is here for you 24/7/365.
Lean on us. If you feel triggered, reach out and post. Don't take that first drink.
Remember that SR is here for you 24/7/365.
Lean on us. If you feel triggered, reach out and post. Don't take that first drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kiel WI
Posts: 221
I am so glad you came back, you had a plan even if you didn't realize it. Remember sometimes we have to ask for help where we live. I like this site alot but will always remember the excellent in-patient program that got me through the worst days.
I will persevere and show up here sober and healthy everyday.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Cauliflower, denial and rationalization are very common so don't beat yourself up for those feelings. I am frankly shocked when I look back at my 'reasoning' at the end of my drinking days.
I'm really glad that you have returned and you will find lots of support here.
I'm really glad that you have returned and you will find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome back Cauliflower!!
For me it was all or nothing, no period of abstinence was going to cure or fix me, my relationship with alcohol was always going to be the same and so cutting out that 1st drink on a permanent basis was what I needed to do!!
You can do this!!
For me it was all or nothing, no period of abstinence was going to cure or fix me, my relationship with alcohol was always going to be the same and so cutting out that 1st drink on a permanent basis was what I needed to do!!
You can do this!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
The other night my parents were visiting and we always have wine in the evening. Yes, I was back to wine and spirits, but I have been on a road to sobriety, reading, writing, and finding my inner voice, and reading about AVRT. I know I have a problem, and I know that once I start, I just don't stop until I pass out in bed. I am quitting this time, because I saw something that got me right in the heart. I saw my father's worried face , a grimace on his lips, and it pained me, because I knew he was upset that I filled up my wine glass yet again. I am actually smiling right now, I am happy with my decision. Yesterday I woke up ready to kick this, and I am happy to look forward to health and happiness. I will not hide it this time. I am sharing my decision with everyone I love. I am not afraid of judgement, those who judge me don't belong in my life at this time. Day 2! I am committed to finding the support here and will log on everyday and evening, good or bad.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Not everyone would agree that we should share our decision - & that's a personal thing based on our situation - but I did it Cauliflower. My alcoholism was so advanced that I was drinking all day - so people were very concerned, angry, etc. I almost had to address it by letting them know I was seeking help. It worked for me to do it that way.
Very glad to have you here and on your Day 2.
Very glad to have you here and on your Day 2.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
I am starting a yoga / clean eating cleanse today! When they said no demons on your plate, and alcohol was one, I didn't bat an eye. A few months ago, that would have sent me into a panic! 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back Cauliflower. Pleas post here as much as you like. The support of this community is invaluable.
do you have a plan for your recovery - not just things to do but how you'll stay sober?
D
do you have a plan for your recovery - not just things to do but how you'll stay sober?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 585
Oh cauliflower I was in that same cycle so long. It was misery. It's easy to forget the misery but the result ends up the same. Sorry for the overuse of the word "misery" but no other word describes that cycle. Stay focused and stay the sober course
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
My plan to stay sober is remain focused. I have met some people last summer who inspired me on so many levels, and they keep popping into my thoughts and dreams. I will keep them in mind while I am coping with not drinking. Everything happens for a reason, right? I want to be just like them. I know that I will never drink in moderation because I only drink to get drunk. I am also not going to put myself into situations where I know I will cave. Above all, I am committed to never ever drinking again. I just want to feel good, and I know sober is good!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Today is day 3. I woke up feeling fantastic after a wonderful sleep! Wow! I am feeling a bit achy today, but will drink tons of water to help flush out any toxins. Yesterday evening I arrived home after a school function (no alcohol anywhere, it was safe!) and my first thought upon walking in the house was time for a glass of wine...it's just so ingrained in my brain that once I am home for the night, its wine time. I don't have wine in the house anyways. So other then that little thought it was ok.
When did you guys stop constantly thinking about drinking and not drinking. It seems to consume my thoughts. I try meditation, which works for a while. Every thought seems to have alcohol attached in one shape or another. I think of a friend and my thoughts go to wondering if I can hang with her and not share a bottle of wine, I think of a family event coming up and the anxiety builds up about how I am going to not take that glass of wine. Bringing myself back to the present moment over and over again is exhausting.
When did you guys stop constantly thinking about drinking and not drinking. It seems to consume my thoughts. I try meditation, which works for a while. Every thought seems to have alcohol attached in one shape or another. I think of a friend and my thoughts go to wondering if I can hang with her and not share a bottle of wine, I think of a family event coming up and the anxiety builds up about how I am going to not take that glass of wine. Bringing myself back to the present moment over and over again is exhausting.
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