New here, need some help I think
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 3
New here, need some help I think
A little bit about me, in my mid 30s married with a family 5. Have a great career, nice big house in an affluent neighborhood. Things are going good and im happy.
Was never much of a drinker, during my 20s I pretty much didn't drink at all. I might have a couple at a social event, BBQs, football games..... things like that.
Into my 30s I started drinking a bit more, mostly at home. Now it has gotten to the point where I drink everyday. 4 beers a night mostly. A lot more on Sunday when watching Football.
My Wife thinks I have a problem. And is concerned because my parents are alcoholics and drink a ton.
So maybe I am in denial because I don't think I have a problem. My reasoning is I work all day, then get the kids taken care of in the evening and make dinner. Why can't I relax with a couple of beers.
Im not getting stumbling drunk, but I gotta have my beer. Takes the edge off.
I know it would be more healthy if I didn't drink. But I don't want to be able to never drink again.
So what do I do.
Was never much of a drinker, during my 20s I pretty much didn't drink at all. I might have a couple at a social event, BBQs, football games..... things like that.
Into my 30s I started drinking a bit more, mostly at home. Now it has gotten to the point where I drink everyday. 4 beers a night mostly. A lot more on Sunday when watching Football.
My Wife thinks I have a problem. And is concerned because my parents are alcoholics and drink a ton.
So maybe I am in denial because I don't think I have a problem. My reasoning is I work all day, then get the kids taken care of in the evening and make dinner. Why can't I relax with a couple of beers.
Im not getting stumbling drunk, but I gotta have my beer. Takes the edge off.
I know it would be more healthy if I didn't drink. But I don't want to be able to never drink again.
So what do I do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome, Hacker.
Only you can decide if you have a problem. I can understand your wife's concerns. Alcoholism can be a familial thing. Alcoholism can come on gradually; it can start later in life after a long period of 'normal' drinking; it is progressive.
Read around the site. There is a wealth of information here; explore the various links and threads.
Glad you found us.
Only you can decide if you have a problem. I can understand your wife's concerns. Alcoholism can be a familial thing. Alcoholism can come on gradually; it can start later in life after a long period of 'normal' drinking; it is progressive.
Read around the site. There is a wealth of information here; explore the various links and threads.
Glad you found us.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Hacker really nice to meet you
The fact you said you gotta have your beer ...it takes the edge off suggests you cant go without it and if you cant go without it.....
Not being able to drink bothers you....
i cant say if your alcoholic i can say i am and i think you definatly have an issue with alcohol
I suggest looking around this site see if you can relate to anything
i remember being you i was 31 the thought of never being able to drink terrified me but i realised the drink was killing me
i needed to have it too because i was addicted the best option by far is sobriety i promise you that
try 30 days sober see what happens journal it post it day by day here
you have tons of support here were behind you 110%
you can do this i was scared once too now im free nearly 18 months sober
The fact you said you gotta have your beer ...it takes the edge off suggests you cant go without it and if you cant go without it.....
Not being able to drink bothers you....
i cant say if your alcoholic i can say i am and i think you definatly have an issue with alcohol
I suggest looking around this site see if you can relate to anything
i remember being you i was 31 the thought of never being able to drink terrified me but i realised the drink was killing me
i needed to have it too because i was addicted the best option by far is sobriety i promise you that
try 30 days sober see what happens journal it post it day by day here
you have tons of support here were behind you 110%
you can do this i was scared once too now im free nearly 18 months sober
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome...
hang around, check the threads out... get to know the stories.
See if you see anything familiar.
Instead of looking at the question of "do I have a PROBLEM".... consider just reflecting on questions like these;
Has alcohol taken a greater presence in my life than I'd really like it to?
Why is it that what I feel I 'deserve' for my hard work is getting intoxicated?
Is alcohol enhancing or detracting from the things I truly, most deeply value?
If I had a very limited time left in this life.... how much of it would I want to spend drinking alcohol?
Am I drinking because it actually brings goodness - or am I using it as a response to something?
Has my pattern of use shown an increase?
When was the last time I actually went for 90 days or more without a drink?
When we reflect on questions like these, often it opens a different sort of window and inner willingness than when we ask "DO I HAVE A PROBLEM". That question automatically triggers defense. It is automatically a perilous judgement of who we are...
This isn't about you being bad. It's not about YOU failing. It is about whether or not your relationship with a toxic substance is serving you.
hang around, check the threads out... get to know the stories.
See if you see anything familiar.
Instead of looking at the question of "do I have a PROBLEM".... consider just reflecting on questions like these;
Has alcohol taken a greater presence in my life than I'd really like it to?
Why is it that what I feel I 'deserve' for my hard work is getting intoxicated?
Is alcohol enhancing or detracting from the things I truly, most deeply value?
If I had a very limited time left in this life.... how much of it would I want to spend drinking alcohol?
Am I drinking because it actually brings goodness - or am I using it as a response to something?
Has my pattern of use shown an increase?
When was the last time I actually went for 90 days or more without a drink?
When we reflect on questions like these, often it opens a different sort of window and inner willingness than when we ask "DO I HAVE A PROBLEM". That question automatically triggers defense. It is automatically a perilous judgement of who we are...
This isn't about you being bad. It's not about YOU failing. It is about whether or not your relationship with a toxic substance is serving you.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. I hope the reading around you do and the replies to your post give you some things to think about.
It doesn't seem like you are drinking alcoholically, but I see a few red flags:
That alone doesn't mean a problem. But daily drinking increases tolerance. And increased tolerance is a sign of a problem.
Don't dismiss a loved ones concerns. She sees what alcohol is doing to you, things you are ready to dismiss. Not saying she's right, but it is easy for us to hide in our denial, difficult for her.
So you have a "reason" to drink. Every alcoholic has a reason. Or many reasons. Until the only "reason" is we absolutely need to drink. But for most of us, it started pretty innocuously--to have fun, to relax, to make us more sociable. Plus, it's not a "couple" beers, it's four.
Why can't you relax without beer? What did you do to relax before the drinking picked up?
Gotta have your beer? No wonder you don't want to give it up.
If the thought of never drinking again scares you, you should be concerned. Like having a "reason" to drink, being scared of never drinking again is something you share with most alcoholics.
Just something to think about.
It doesn't seem like you are drinking alcoholically, but I see a few red flags:
Originally Posted by Hacker 
I drink everyday.
Originally Posted by Hacker
My Wife thinks I have a problem.
Originally Posted by Hacker
My reasoning is I work all day, then get the kids taken care of in the evening and make dinner. Why can't I relax with a couple of beers.
Why can't you relax without beer? What did you do to relax before the drinking picked up?
Originally Posted by Hacker
but I gotta have my beer
Originally Posted by Hacker
I don't want to be able to never drink again.
Just something to think about.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Welcome 
Sounds like you aren't ready to quit drinking yet. Have you tried moderating? Did it work?
It's imperative that you want to be sober in order to quit drinking, if in fact you do have a problem with it. I think you'll find it hard if not impossible to quit otherwise.
Originally Posted by Hacker
I know it would be more healthy if I didn't drink. But I don't want to be able to never drink again.
So what do I do.
So what do I do.
It's imperative that you want to be sober in order to quit drinking, if in fact you do have a problem with it. I think you'll find it hard if not impossible to quit otherwise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 3
I guess the reason why it scares me, is that I want to be in control. Want to be able to do things without it controlling me.
Then you add in all the daily stresses in life that I didn't have in my 20s. I guess you can say its like medicine. Takes the edge off reality.
Back in my 20s, didn't have to deal with all the daily crap. So relaxing could be done by simply turning on a video game.
Last time I went 90 days without a drink was probably 3 years ago.
Then you add in all the daily stresses in life that I didn't have in my 20s. I guess you can say its like medicine. Takes the edge off reality.
Back in my 20s, didn't have to deal with all the daily crap. So relaxing could be done by simply turning on a video game.
Last time I went 90 days without a drink was probably 3 years ago.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Welcome, Glad you're here~!
Both my parents were alcoholics - one recovered, one did not. 4 kids in the Family including myself - 2 (including myself) are self declared alcoholics. One classifies himself as a heavy - daily - beer drinker. The other was the only non alcoholic and passed away.
The apple not falling far from the tree is one way to view it. Although, it's a mysterious disease. Some get skipped, some don't generationally.
For me, the issue was I learned from a young age that socialization always involved alcohol. Fun = pleasure = alcohol was the basic equation. Booze was pervasive in all things growing up.
As others have stated, it's for you alone to decide if it's an issue in your life and for those you love. No one else can determine that. Plenty of tests online to take and see if perhaps there's a problem......
I too never lost things and had a career. That is really what kept me drinking for many years. I was industrious and had all the stuff.
What it took me a long time to understand is while I was present in my loved ones lives, I was there - but distant. Just sort of restless, irritable and discontented to quote a phrase. Alcohol gave me that ahhhhh feeling. Took the edge off for sure. Then it took my cognitive abilities, then my body and finally my spirit.
This is not a lecture friend, just what I experienced.
Today things are sooooo much better. Wish I'd quit years ago - maybe about your age now
Keep posting, reading and asking questions. You're in a great place - the best I have found in the virtual realm.
Kind Regards,
FlyN
Both my parents were alcoholics - one recovered, one did not. 4 kids in the Family including myself - 2 (including myself) are self declared alcoholics. One classifies himself as a heavy - daily - beer drinker. The other was the only non alcoholic and passed away.
The apple not falling far from the tree is one way to view it. Although, it's a mysterious disease. Some get skipped, some don't generationally.
For me, the issue was I learned from a young age that socialization always involved alcohol. Fun = pleasure = alcohol was the basic equation. Booze was pervasive in all things growing up.
As others have stated, it's for you alone to decide if it's an issue in your life and for those you love. No one else can determine that. Plenty of tests online to take and see if perhaps there's a problem......
I too never lost things and had a career. That is really what kept me drinking for many years. I was industrious and had all the stuff.
What it took me a long time to understand is while I was present in my loved ones lives, I was there - but distant. Just sort of restless, irritable and discontented to quote a phrase. Alcohol gave me that ahhhhh feeling. Took the edge off for sure. Then it took my cognitive abilities, then my body and finally my spirit.
This is not a lecture friend, just what I experienced.
Today things are sooooo much better. Wish I'd quit years ago - maybe about your age now
Keep posting, reading and asking questions. You're in a great place - the best I have found in the virtual realm.
Kind Regards,
FlyN
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You can do this Hacker & its great you have done 90 days before thats awesome
This time get sober with us i was scared & i completly relate i think we all do
im a seriously better version of myself i always say sobriety is an upgrade of self life just gets better
as you know its tough but if you let us in wel support you all the way
i promise your making a seriously wise decision in getting sober bud
stick around post as much as you want ask questions etc
youl find real genuine friends here aswell
This time get sober with us i was scared & i completly relate i think we all do
im a seriously better version of myself i always say sobriety is an upgrade of self life just gets better
as you know its tough but if you let us in wel support you all the way
i promise your making a seriously wise decision in getting sober bud
stick around post as much as you want ask questions etc
youl find real genuine friends here aswell
AlmA
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
You have the Genes factor...
If you drink a couple each day at home day after day, it will increase,
It really starts like this and it gets to a point you HAVE TO!
So try only to drink socialy and not get into the daily habit!
Be careful...
If you are an alcoholic you know in the bottom of your heart!
Just try to stay away before it takes over your life!
If you drink a couple each day at home day after day, it will increase,
It really starts like this and it gets to a point you HAVE TO!
So try only to drink socialy and not get into the daily habit!
Be careful...
If you are an alcoholic you know in the bottom of your heart!
Just try to stay away before it takes over your life!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 576
I bought my first house in 1999 , I was kicking back enjoying 3 or 4 beers before bed...
I got laid off of work in 2005 and by then had 2 kids , I jumped up to 8 beers or so every night..
I lost that first house due to a short sale in 2009 after my wife became pregnant with #3 and then she got laid off at the same time.....It quickly became 10 or 12 a night..
The whole family moved into my Dad's house after that...4 years later , it got foresold on..Bam..Now it was 15 - 20 beers a night after work , and that was within 4 hours after I got home from work...
Ohhh , it'll sneak up on ya until something whoops yer arse back into alignment , which happened to be a health issue for me in Nov...Haven't touched a beer since..
Just watch out , be careful and be aware...
I got laid off of work in 2005 and by then had 2 kids , I jumped up to 8 beers or so every night..
I lost that first house due to a short sale in 2009 after my wife became pregnant with #3 and then she got laid off at the same time.....It quickly became 10 or 12 a night..
The whole family moved into my Dad's house after that...4 years later , it got foresold on..Bam..Now it was 15 - 20 beers a night after work , and that was within 4 hours after I got home from work...
Ohhh , it'll sneak up on ya until something whoops yer arse back into alignment , which happened to be a health issue for me in Nov...Haven't touched a beer since..
Just watch out , be careful and be aware...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kiel WI
Posts: 221
If I had alcoholic parents I would Run away from drinking. Hacker, you have to be the one to stop. If you're afaid of losing it I think you've become attached to it. You will become empowered by your choice, just think,never hearing about your drinking from your wife. Setting a good example for your kids (shows your strength ).Driving anytime you want without worries of a DUI.The list goes on & on. I hope this helps you my friend.
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
I knew I had a problem when it got to a point where I felt that I had to drink at night or I would get antsy and would be up all night.
If you find that you have a hard time resisting the desire to drink, then I would say it is definitely a problem. But only you can decide if it something that you need to take action on.
Are there any other ways you could channel your stress?
If you find that you have a hard time resisting the desire to drink, then I would say it is definitely a problem. But only you can decide if it something that you need to take action on.
Are there any other ways you could channel your stress?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Hacker
So lets say I decide to stop drinking. Am I at any risks at getting sick? Should I taper off like 2 beers tonight and one tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Hacker, if your wife thinks you drink too much... You have a problem (and I don't mean a drinking problem). Is your wife irrational? Prone to see issues where none exist?
Four beers a night doesn't sound like that much, but it is 28 beers a week... Not counting the extra you drink watching football. I think the "safe" limit is 14 or less per week for an adult make. Plus all that beer is over 4,000 empty calories a week.
What is it exactly that you think alcohol is doing for you?
Four beers a night doesn't sound like that much, but it is 28 beers a week... Not counting the extra you drink watching football. I think the "safe" limit is 14 or less per week for an adult make. Plus all that beer is over 4,000 empty calories a week.
What is it exactly that you think alcohol is doing for you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Welcome Hacker..... my Pop came from men of heavy drinking.. the times were the 195's-1960's everyone drank.. and the problems at home were hidden from the others.. only Grandma's and Great Aunt knew realy what was happening.. the family men were alcoholics, all different... Uncle Phil the Doctor that did the secert surgeries, yep.. Great Uncles that went fishing and left for days... yep.. my Pop unhappy and drank to think clearer.. but never did.. I remember when he started the big drinking when my youngest sister was born May 1956.... everything changed.. I heard it all and watched some of it happen.. it was harder to have good days with Pop and it was harder to find the correct things to say at any time.. had a high school teacher that knew something was not right had me in a seat in front of his desk.. would do his talk for the 45 minutes of History class and then ask questions.. Not Talking today hey Quilling.. I would just give him that look... now that Pop is gone since 1999 and more of my class is opening up to how their home lives really were... I have had some step up and ask me to forgive them for words that caused me to be punished for things I never did... when we did our 45 summer of 2013... I stood in front of 180 people and stood them up in small groups and one by one. told them of how my Pop was proud of them and how he had written of their lives in books in the shop.. some cried some came up and hugged me tight.. the best was Connie Price when she said .. the stories of our families would all make us cry... and she went into sobs...
Drinking and family why do we well part of it is DNA kiddo.. and part of it is learned from our families... part of it is being that teen ager that thought nothing could harm them and then pop their are 60 years old and sick.. you have to have that beer to unwind.. why.... really why??? at the end of my day.. is dinner to be made... clean house .. and hope that most of the monie goes a tiny bit further for the bills... why did I drink to forget.. to sleep with out moving.. to cry myself to sleep.. to hope that maybe just maybe ... well that was dumb... for Drinking and Hope do not go together.. drinking and fuzzy hey how about this does.. and it never ends well...
kiddo you hold tight to this Motely Crew and find that what you need to hang on to is your family and what you need to toss is the drinking.. for your children are mirrors of your Soul.. Your Life and Your Path... prayers love and sorry if it seems I am blunt at 64 almost 65 and old lady clown I have good memories and great kids to watch for the rest of time.. with out the fuzzy feeling.. prayers ardy...
Drinking and family why do we well part of it is DNA kiddo.. and part of it is learned from our families... part of it is being that teen ager that thought nothing could harm them and then pop their are 60 years old and sick.. you have to have that beer to unwind.. why.... really why??? at the end of my day.. is dinner to be made... clean house .. and hope that most of the monie goes a tiny bit further for the bills... why did I drink to forget.. to sleep with out moving.. to cry myself to sleep.. to hope that maybe just maybe ... well that was dumb... for Drinking and Hope do not go together.. drinking and fuzzy hey how about this does.. and it never ends well...
kiddo you hold tight to this Motely Crew and find that what you need to hang on to is your family and what you need to toss is the drinking.. for your children are mirrors of your Soul.. Your Life and Your Path... prayers love and sorry if it seems I am blunt at 64 almost 65 and old lady clown I have good memories and great kids to watch for the rest of time.. with out the fuzzy feeling.. prayers ardy...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Hacker
this is a huge red flag for me.
Over time, I found I needed more and more 'medicine' to escape reality - I also found my reasons for drinking increased exponentially over the years.
Whether you think you're an alcoholic or not, maybe it's worth looking into other ways to unwind and relax?
D
I guess you can say its like medicine. Takes the edge off reality.
Over time, I found I needed more and more 'medicine' to escape reality - I also found my reasons for drinking increased exponentially over the years.
Whether you think you're an alcoholic or not, maybe it's worth looking into other ways to unwind and relax?
D
levonhelmrules
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Taylorsville Utah
Posts: 88
You have the Genes factor...
If you drink a couple each day at home day after day, it will increase,
It really starts like this and it gets to a point you HAVE TO!
So try only to drink socialy and not get into the daily habit!
Be careful...
If you are an alcoholic you know in the bottom of your heart!
Just try to stay away before it takes over your life!
This.
I agree. If your at 4 a night now, in no time it will be 10. I went from a couple of drinks a week to half a bottle easy 5 days a week. And I didn't even notice.
If you drink a couple each day at home day after day, it will increase,
It really starts like this and it gets to a point you HAVE TO!
So try only to drink socialy and not get into the daily habit!
Be careful...
If you are an alcoholic you know in the bottom of your heart!
Just try to stay away before it takes over your life!
This.
I agree. If your at 4 a night now, in no time it will be 10. I went from a couple of drinks a week to half a bottle easy 5 days a week. And I didn't even notice.
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