Having a really hard time tonight
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Having a really hard time tonight
I'm really going out of my mind tonight. The looming prospect of AH not being in my life is really starting to dawn on me and it's scary.
He is sober in there and *has* been for the past two and a half weeks. And he still thinks *I'm* the bad guy. Well I've done the best that I can do. Maybe I didn't respond the best in every situation since we've been together, but dammit I have tried. I really cannot think of ONE time that I have intentionally went out to hurt someone. But he has a list of things I've done.
The point is that the longer he is in treatment the ANGRIER he gets at me. WTF??!! We haven't had a decent conversation in days and we're NOT EVEN IN THE SAME STATE!
Why am I doing this to myself? I want to detach entirely. I am tired of being hated. Really, I am.
I am still planning for divorce. This guy has just got me really messed up and sucked in that I'm having a hard time NOT shoving his rejection aside like I normally do and forgetting all the evil things he has said. I'm having a hard time looking "happily" into my future and picturing my life without this man. I need to just realize the rejection is not about me and just walk away from this.
I know...I just KNOW, the sooner I walk away,the sooner I can get my life back. Get back to the business of living and never walking on egg shells again.
Then all the stupid girly crap hits me...oh when his arms are around me, oh he tells me I'm beautiful, oh he grilled and played football with the kids....and on and on..all that stupid SUPERFICIAL ******** that doesn't actually prove LOVE at all. It just means that I'm a woman who is a sucker for affection. That's it and nothing more.
God, who knows. Maybe he is feeling the same way (wanting to get his life back) and just doesn't have the courage to follow through. I hate this marriage. It's not real. He *was* right when he said it was an illusion. But which one of us will have the guts to follow through, and throw us out of our comfort zone. Since clearly the alcoholism, codependency, and abuse aren't taking us out of the comfort zone enough.
Just having a hard time tonight. All I wanted was someone to love me for who I am and for me to be able to give that love in return. A real partnership. But is that also, just an illusion?
He is sober in there and *has* been for the past two and a half weeks. And he still thinks *I'm* the bad guy. Well I've done the best that I can do. Maybe I didn't respond the best in every situation since we've been together, but dammit I have tried. I really cannot think of ONE time that I have intentionally went out to hurt someone. But he has a list of things I've done.
The point is that the longer he is in treatment the ANGRIER he gets at me. WTF??!! We haven't had a decent conversation in days and we're NOT EVEN IN THE SAME STATE!
Why am I doing this to myself? I want to detach entirely. I am tired of being hated. Really, I am.
I am still planning for divorce. This guy has just got me really messed up and sucked in that I'm having a hard time NOT shoving his rejection aside like I normally do and forgetting all the evil things he has said. I'm having a hard time looking "happily" into my future and picturing my life without this man. I need to just realize the rejection is not about me and just walk away from this.
I know...I just KNOW, the sooner I walk away,the sooner I can get my life back. Get back to the business of living and never walking on egg shells again.
Then all the stupid girly crap hits me...oh when his arms are around me, oh he tells me I'm beautiful, oh he grilled and played football with the kids....and on and on..all that stupid SUPERFICIAL ******** that doesn't actually prove LOVE at all. It just means that I'm a woman who is a sucker for affection. That's it and nothing more.
God, who knows. Maybe he is feeling the same way (wanting to get his life back) and just doesn't have the courage to follow through. I hate this marriage. It's not real. He *was* right when he said it was an illusion. But which one of us will have the guts to follow through, and throw us out of our comfort zone. Since clearly the alcoholism, codependency, and abuse aren't taking us out of the comfort zone enough.
Just having a hard time tonight. All I wanted was someone to love me for who I am and for me to be able to give that love in return. A real partnership. But is that also, just an illusion?
Last edited by freetosmile; 01-06-2015 at 12:16 AM. Reason: ..
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Something I learned when RA was in rehab was the real picture of sobriety and what it looks like. Generally speaking, if he still blames you, is resentful and not making amends or staying on his side of the street, it is safe to say they aren't sober. My RA hasn't drank in over 5 years, and he was only sober about 6 months of that time. The rest of tge time has been a slow spiral down of being a dry drunk. In my relationship, I am to blame for my own actions and words tgat were not in line with wgat my sense of serenity is. I am responsible 100% of my contributions, and ge is responsible fir 100%of his. When we both effectively were in recovery there was no blame, as we both owned it. Make sense? Anywats, I am with ya tonight. I too feel like I have been with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyse and can't trust that any of the good was genuine anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Ok,mfirst of think about this- he's in there sober...only sober as in without drink.
Sober as in " of sound mind??" Welp, if what I read of his actions and words is of sound mind...I'm friggin nutso bonkers!!!!
"Why am I doing this to myself? I want to detach entirely. I am tired of being hated. Really, I am. "
I'm glad ya want to detach and let go. Do that or go down with him.
Why ya doin it to yourself? Because you are sick,too.
When I was with a whack job ( yeah, that reads cruel, but it's honest. She was and still is whacked! 7 years later I ran into her mom and she's STILL blaming me.but I stopped accepting accountability for her life a long time ago) I had a wee bit of a hard time NOT answering the phone. NOT listening to the messages on the answering machine.
But then I was given the right amount of pain to go look in the mirror right at myself and tell me," Tom,yer nuts. Keep Allowing this and yer not gonna have any serenity or peace that ya deserve, so let that sick broad go for good."
Notice the allowing in bold. Big thing there- accepting I was allowing it. I didn't know at the time the whys behind it, I just knew I was allowing it all to happen.
When I stopped allowing it to happen and she got it through her head to let me go and leave me alone, which involved some drastic measures on my part, then some healing was able to happen and that's when answers of why started coming to me.
Sober as in " of sound mind??" Welp, if what I read of his actions and words is of sound mind...I'm friggin nutso bonkers!!!!
"Why am I doing this to myself? I want to detach entirely. I am tired of being hated. Really, I am. "
I'm glad ya want to detach and let go. Do that or go down with him.
Why ya doin it to yourself? Because you are sick,too.
When I was with a whack job ( yeah, that reads cruel, but it's honest. She was and still is whacked! 7 years later I ran into her mom and she's STILL blaming me.but I stopped accepting accountability for her life a long time ago) I had a wee bit of a hard time NOT answering the phone. NOT listening to the messages on the answering machine.
But then I was given the right amount of pain to go look in the mirror right at myself and tell me," Tom,yer nuts. Keep Allowing this and yer not gonna have any serenity or peace that ya deserve, so let that sick broad go for good."
Notice the allowing in bold. Big thing there- accepting I was allowing it. I didn't know at the time the whys behind it, I just knew I was allowing it all to happen.
When I stopped allowing it to happen and she got it through her head to let me go and leave me alone, which involved some drastic measures on my part, then some healing was able to happen and that's when answers of why started coming to me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It really is sad that as long as he keeps being angry at the world, angry at you, angry at his Mum, angry at everyone and everything....he doesn't have to look inward at his own dysfunction. And if he doesn't address that, it seems to me that it will be a long time, if ever, that he will truly "recovery"--as in grow, change, mature.
I hope that he will somehow recognize this, want to change, want to be happy. But no one can do that for him. He is where he needs to be to begin.
I won't tell you what to do, but I will encourage you as you decide. What do you think will be the best decision/action for you? Where do you need to be to begin?
I hope that he will somehow recognize this, want to change, want to be happy. But no one can do that for him. He is where he needs to be to begin.
I won't tell you what to do, but I will encourage you as you decide. What do you think will be the best decision/action for you? Where do you need to be to begin?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
I know my AH is new to recovery but what I keep hearing is that things change with time. 2 1/2 weeks is barely any time in recovery....he sounds mad and it's easy to point the finger at you right now, but as he works through this process, he will have to look at himself and see where he's caused himself and you some of the pain that you are both going through.
Only you can decide if a divorce is really what you want or not. No one else can do that for you. However, if it is not what you want and not what he wants, try to take it baby steps and talk about "safe" topics for now...weather, sports, small things.
Keep coming back and if you aren't already, please go to an al anon meeting and/or a therapist. They both have been incredibly helpful for me!
Only you can decide if a divorce is really what you want or not. No one else can do that for you. However, if it is not what you want and not what he wants, try to take it baby steps and talk about "safe" topics for now...weather, sports, small things.
Keep coming back and if you aren't already, please go to an al anon meeting and/or a therapist. They both have been incredibly helpful for me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
This:
A good friend of mine who's an RA said it took him quite a while to stop resenting his wife, his boss, his kids, his friends who "forced him" to go to rehab. He said it was like even though he was in rehab for 30 days, the alcoholism wouldn't let go. It would whisper in his ear "You don't really want this. You really want me. And it's all those evil people trying to come between you and your real love, me."
We started working together a few months after he went through rehab. He was one miserable SOB. In retrospect, I can't believe we became friends (codie here!) because he was SUCH a whiny sorry SOB.
But he's still sober, 25 years later. Attended meetings religiously. Never took a relapse. He's one of the success stories of recovery that I know personally. His wife says it took 15 years for her to feel like they had a good marriage again. He missed his kids' entire growing up, first through drink and then through resentment.
After I left AXH, I remember sitting out with my oldest on the grass. I was sort of in a fog still. And this kid, who had just turned 16, looked at me and said, "Mom? I don't want you to give up on men because Dad was a #$Y&&%%^%$. There are good men out there. And you are the most lovable person I know."
So I'm passing that on to you. Don't give up on the whole of humanity because you ran across one person who hurt you.
if he still blames you, is resentful and not making amends or staying on his side of the street, it is safe to say they aren't sober.
We started working together a few months after he went through rehab. He was one miserable SOB. In retrospect, I can't believe we became friends (codie here!) because he was SUCH a whiny sorry SOB.
But he's still sober, 25 years later. Attended meetings religiously. Never took a relapse. He's one of the success stories of recovery that I know personally. His wife says it took 15 years for her to feel like they had a good marriage again. He missed his kids' entire growing up, first through drink and then through resentment.
All I wanted was someone to love me for who I am and for me to be able to give that love in return. A real partnership. But is that also, just an illusion?
So I'm passing that on to you. Don't give up on the whole of humanity because you ran across one person who hurt you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by lillamy 
This:
A good friend of mine who's an RA said it took him quite a while to stop resenting his wife, his boss, his kids, his friends who "forced him" to go to rehab. He said it was like even though he was in rehab for 30 days, the alcoholism wouldn't let go. It would whisper in his ear "You don't really want this. You really want me. And it's all those evil people trying to come between you and your real love, me."
We started working together a few months after he went through rehab. He was one miserable SOB. In retrospect, I can't believe we became friends (codie here!) because he was SUCH a whiny sorry SOB.
But he's still sober, 25 years later. Attended meetings religiously. Never took a relapse. He's one of the success stories of recovery that I know personally. His wife says it took 15 years for her to feel like they had a good marriage again. He missed his kids' entire growing up, first through drink and then through resentment.
After I left AXH, I remember sitting out with my oldest on the grass. I was sort of in a fog still. And this kid, who had just turned 16, looked at me and said, "Mom? I don't want you to give up on men because Dad was a #$Y&&%%^%$. There are good men out there. And you are the most lovable person I know."
So I'm passing that on to you. Don't give up on the whole of humanity because you ran across one person who hurt you.
A good friend of mine who's an RA said it took him quite a while to stop resenting his wife, his boss, his kids, his friends who "forced him" to go to rehab. He said it was like even though he was in rehab for 30 days, the alcoholism wouldn't let go. It would whisper in his ear "You don't really want this. You really want me. And it's all those evil people trying to come between you and your real love, me."
We started working together a few months after he went through rehab. He was one miserable SOB. In retrospect, I can't believe we became friends (codie here!) because he was SUCH a whiny sorry SOB.
But he's still sober, 25 years later. Attended meetings religiously. Never took a relapse. He's one of the success stories of recovery that I know personally. His wife says it took 15 years for her to feel like they had a good marriage again. He missed his kids' entire growing up, first through drink and then through resentment.
After I left AXH, I remember sitting out with my oldest on the grass. I was sort of in a fog still. And this kid, who had just turned 16, looked at me and said, "Mom? I don't want you to give up on men because Dad was a #$Y&&%%^%$. There are good men out there. And you are the most lovable person I know."
So I'm passing that on to you. Don't give up on the whole of humanity because you ran across one person who hurt you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....I think it would be helpful for you to realize that when a relationship breaks up---there is a natural grieving process that one goes through. It doesn't seem to matter whether that relationship was a good one or a toxic waste dump. It has to do with Nature.
If you realize that you will feel sad at times and nostalgic for the scraps of good times, etc. Yes, we all long to be held and l oved and nurtured. This is normal.
In the Big Picture--this is short-term pain for the long-term gain. One has to be brave enough and tough enough to tough it out through the short-term pain period.
You can do that! You have proven that because y ou are still here and kicking.
You know perfectly well that change is uncomfortable for us humans. But, we adjust!
Humans have an incredable ability to adjust---again, Nature.
I suggest that you make a l ist of several of the worst abusive and destructive things that he has done during the relationship and carry it o n a card with you--at all times!!
Read it a dozen times a day, if necessary. (I did that).
I believe that it is important for y ou to put your BRAIN in charge for the next several m onths....and, give your heart a rest. You can't trust y our heart, right now. You are still too fresh and vulnerable to this.
Your BRAIN knows what is best for your welfare (and that of those kids).
dandylion
If you realize that you will feel sad at times and nostalgic for the scraps of good times, etc. Yes, we all long to be held and l oved and nurtured. This is normal.
In the Big Picture--this is short-term pain for the long-term gain. One has to be brave enough and tough enough to tough it out through the short-term pain period.
You can do that! You have proven that because y ou are still here and kicking.
You know perfectly well that change is uncomfortable for us humans. But, we adjust!
Humans have an incredable ability to adjust---again, Nature.
I suggest that you make a l ist of several of the worst abusive and destructive things that he has done during the relationship and carry it o n a card with you--at all times!!
Read it a dozen times a day, if necessary. (I did that).
I believe that it is important for y ou to put your BRAIN in charge for the next several m onths....and, give your heart a rest. You can't trust y our heart, right now. You are still too fresh and vulnerable to this.
Your BRAIN knows what is best for your welfare (and that of those kids).
dandylion
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