aboutdone

So, I made RA leave yesterday due to boundary violation and serious quacking and gas lighting over the past several months.

Now, I am never strong enough to keep my back turned. I am smart, I know the drill, I know the questions and the answers, yet in the dark hours of night I struggle.

Do not bash me, as I am being completely honest here and know that for my own safety and the well being of my children, I MUST follow through this time. WHY this time? Why not the countless times before? I will tell you why.

I suspect RA has been trying to drug me &/or poison me. Sounds highly irrational, trust me I know. I thought so too & kept pushing the thought out of my head, until about a week ago, he brought me a coffee from the local gas station but when he came home with it, he went straight to kitchen, and as I walked in he was stirring creamer into the cup. I thought nothing of it until an hour later, when I experienced the most unbelievable pain in my abdomen. Worse than labor and a kidney stone combined. Literally my insides felt like what was in there needed to come out but nothing came up or went out. I chalked it up to the flu. A couple days before that he had brought me coffee and for the rest of the day I was out like a zombie.Couldnt stay awake for anything. Literally falling asleep standing up. Again figured I was getting sick.

So. After he left yesterday, I started going through the bedroom and stashed on his side of the bed was a new package of benadryl but most were gone. Benadryl does knock me out. So now I am seriously thinking he put benadryl in my coffee and what else I don't know.

Anyways. No contact and done. But here I sit, letting those "why" questions sneak in to my head. A big part of me wants to ask why does he not even try to contact me? Another part says I should text him just so I can have further validation that he is an ass, and the other part says, I shoukd just stfu about it all and go to bed. Which THAT voice of reason I am actually going to listen to.
At the end of the day, why is it sooo hard to just get over it? Its not him I miss, but I do miss having someone here. I feel starved of affection and after reading some other posts, I realuze all this crap has most likely starved my children of the full attention they deserve. My plan is to focus less on my desire for affection and more on giving it away to my children. Its a good start to staying safe and getting back to serenity but WHY do we always gave weak thoughts? Any rational, intelligent person would say run like hell, given recent events, and I am rational, and intelligent, yet my heart can't seem to catch the brain waves being sent through :/

freetosmile

I actually JUST posted on the affection thing. Yep, it sure does have me wrapped up tight in the noose for sure.

I'm getting too old for fake affection, however. I want something REAL and if I never leave, then how the hell will I ever KNOW what could have been?

It sucks thinking about being alone.....I do know that. My AH has been gone for 2 1/2 weeks. The lack of snuggling, hand holding, whisperings of sweet nothings is really really missed. But I look back on it all, and was it even real to begin with? Or was it all based off something that unhealthy from the get. I don't know. I would like to think it was real....but I just don't know anymore.

Hugs to you. Hang in there

aboutdone

Thanks! It baffles me that our minds can remembee every crappy thing that ever happened but our hearts seem to be oblivious and hinge on the goid times, when usually the bad far outweighs the goid.

happybeingme

I think what you need to keep at the forefront of your mind is your husband has tried to harm or kill you. It doesn't matter how things were just how they are right now. Your husband has tried to kill his children's mother. I am horrified by your revelation.

You may miss the good times and the affection you received from him when he was sober enough to give it but what was the price you paid for them? I bet the cost was great. That's not normal.

Please be safe. Document your suspicions and take a trust worthy person into your confidence. This way if something happens someone can inform law enforcement

Ann

You have been through a terrible (and life threatening) time, it will take time to heal and see that better days are ahead, just beyond view right now.

Perhaps begin by loving yourself, you have a good start just by leaving and finding some place safe for you and your children. They too need love and affection so maybe now is a good time for some quality family talks and bonding.

Please don't underestimate what he did, no matter what his intentions, he could easily have killed you and left your children vulnerable.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Hugs

aboutdone

I agree and that is why this time it is for good. I am sensible enough to know the reality of it all, yet my brain tries to figure out why. Why would he do that? I know why but then I try to reason that out also.
For ME and I speak from my inner me only, I have serious issues with self blame. If I truly accept he doesn't and hasn't cared, and I absorb the fact that he tried to drug me or worse, then I have to accept that can't be trusted to make good choices. I failed me. I can really only question my integrity in the whole fiasco, as I chose to ignore he was an alcoholic. I chose to make excuses. When things improved shortly after rehab for him I was ecstatic, and when they turned south, I kept looking for excuses.

Does that make sense? I am not responsible for how he is, but I am responsible for how I am, and I have to say, I do not like me at all right now, and can't really remember a time that I did.

We tend to focus a lot on what "they" do to us, especially when we are new to the board. The question isn't why do they do these things? It is WTF is wrong with me? What key component in life did I miss that I allow such insidious behavior come in to my life?

I'm all on codie talk today I guess. I am 44 & still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and don't even know where to begin so I can figure it out.

Anyone care to share some ideas or tips on how to narrow it down? How to get to the real me and start rebuilding from.there?

aboutdone

Im not trying to make light of his attempt either. I am just a problem solver that feels nothing is fixed if the problem isn't reduced down to 1. 1 being me. If I had made better choices, this all wouldn't have played out in my life. So I need to fix me going forward.

hopeful4

That is some scary stuff.

You deserve love and affection, from someone who truly loves you back and would not dream of hurting you. That can still happen, but you have to cut lose of the toxicity in your life first.

Tight hugs, we are here for you. Please stay safe!

dandylion

about done....your husband may have tried to kill you. If you are correct...that is attempted murder (I am not a lawyer).

I suggest that you contact the DV hotline and describe your situation. They will know what to do and they will have the resources to do so.

SAFETY FIRST---and sort out the whys, afterward.

***do not eat or drink anything that you did not completely prepare yourself. Do not leave the room with any food or drink exposed.

dandylion

lillamy

This is scary, scary stuff. To the point where I would probably get a lawyer involved. It hits me in the gut because I've lived under death threats from AXH, and I just wanted to tell you this:

It's very hard for our brains to process that someone we've loved and shared our lives with can have the capacity to kill us. Yet, it happens. Four women die every day in the U.S. as the result of domestic abuse. It's just very difficult for us to believe that it can happen to us.

I don't know if what you have is enough to get a protective order, but I would look into it. And not to be harsh, but... you have choices, still. As long as your alive, you can make choices about your life. But you need to STAY alive.