alove2nv

This past Friday was my breaking point, I can't do this anymore.
I deserve better, and my son doesn't deserve to watch him mom be
treated this way.

I left out the house with my son and called my friend to come get us.
I would have drove my car but he had a tantrum and messed up my
shifter so I couldn't drive. Why does he act like a 2 yr old?

I think 2.5 years is long enough for me. I have stood by his side, done
more for his kids than mine and even paid for his stint in rehab. I am
Officially done. So i can sit here and type this, but as soon as he says
he is sorry I just want to run back to him. Why do I love him so much?

I am going to be on here a lot more as I.am going to need your help to
get thru this.

If anyone has advice on what to do to help me stop obsessing I would
appreciate it alot.

I should have the rest of my stuff out of the house by Sunday.

freetosmile

Hey there. I'm pretty new in my recovery so I can't really give solid advice, but I do know that it *sounds* like you are pretty fed up.

I come here to SR *a lot* and it has really helped. I see you've been a member here for a while. So I recommend that you keep coming back. Just keep reminding yourself that you need to stick by this.

Good job for thinking about your son. This IS too much for our kids. I have to constantly remind myself that my kids are looking to ME.

Use the time away from him to think about YOU, focus on YOU. You can't just sit around and worry about his next move. Start making YOU stronger. That is one of the things I am learning and it has brought me strength during my own trials.

Are you doing al-anon or any recovery program?

iamthird

Just keep focusing on your son until you get stronger...keep choosing your son over the unhealthy and it will keep you making good choices. I promise. You hear in these circles a lot "fake it till you make it"...I wholeheartedly agree. Sometimes when I cannot be strong when my heart is weak for separated AH, I choose my kids everytime and it keeps me making the right choices.

Chantal88

ALove-

You are asking us why you keep going back, but this is something you should be asking yourself. We can't tell you why you keep going back.

Why do you feel dependent on him? Do you find it difficult to be alone? Are you able to be financially independent? I realize these are difficult questions but in order to understand your compulsion to go back, you must get at the root of it.

I stayed in a very abusive relationship for almost 7 years to someone who was not an addict. I took him back time after time not because I loved him but because I was terrified of being alone. I found comfort and security in the predictability of a relationship that was simply intolerable. I couldn't admit this to myself until years later when I finally met someone I loved.

I am not saying that you don't love him, you may be deeply in love with him. But you must know that distancing yourself from him is probably the most loving thing you can do for him right now. He needs to feel the consequence of losing you so he can realize the price of his addiction.

aboutdone

I made mine leave yesterday and struggle with sticking to it, but we can do this. Chantal88 makes a really good point that echoes in me. I don't love my RA anymore, but I do love the predictability. I am scared to death of the unknown but my fear of dying miserable, fearing for my life, and fearing what damage it is and has caused my children has become stronger tgan the fear of tge unknown. I think as much as the RA needs to conquer his demons, so do I. I just never wanted to admit it

guava

The two concepts that really helped me (both learned here at SR) were:

1. If it was your best friend or grown daughter in this situation what would your advice be?

2. Are you sure you are in love with him or are you in love with his potential? (Some great threads here on being in love with potential - really helped me. As a matter of fact I think I need to go back and reread them!)

Stay strong. Hugs.

Blossom717

I know how you feel. I left once for a week, he got "sober", went to AA. I came back after a week and that night he told me he would no longer be going to AA, that he could do it on his own. Not much later and it was back to how it was, except worse because he was hiding the drinking and added pain pills to it.

I know it sucks. Not sure if this will help you, but it helped me....realizing that someone who can't even love themselves will never be able to really love anyone else kept me from going back. Waking up feeling guilty over something they did is a burden. Waking up to knowing you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child in the long run is like lifting a boulder off your shoulders.

hopeful4

Every single time he begs you back, you need to look at his past actions. Past actions are the #1 predictor for future behavior. Do his actions OVER THE LONG TERM, match what is coming out of his mouth? Not likely.

Take care of you and your son.

goplayoutside

I understand what you are going through. I left almost 10 years ago and the first 3 weeks were the worst. A couple of things helped me.

First, I did not want to raise my girls in the environment that the home had become. I knew that if he was going to change, he would have to change without me, not tell me he would change. I needed to see it, as in a genuine act, not some artificial thing that he thought I wanted. I waited 2 years and nothing changed, in fact, he got worse.

Second, I got a glimpse of what a normal life could be like. I did not have to "check-in" with his mood to see how the evening or weekend would go. That took a huge amount of energy and I found myself pacing or reading self-help books until 4am. Know that this phase will not last and use the extra energy to get together with friends, exercise or read.

Third, make a list of the good and the bad. Every time you get weak, read it.

Remember that you do not need to go back today. Get strong within yourself. He will still be around in 6 months. Has he made real strides to get better or just paying lip service?

Leaving was the best decision I have ever made. He is still the same miserable doof, but I bought a house, have full custody and no longer live with baseline anxiety as my primary emotion.

It will be hard, but each week will get better as long as you work to strengthen yourself. That is the only thing you have control over.

alove2nv

It is so hard to be away from him....and I think you all are hitting it on the head...I am starving for the affection and afraid to be alone. I have been in relationship(s) since I was 14....I just turned 37.

Married twice...1st husband was an alcoholic (6 yrs/5 boys), 2nd husband was just a plain @$$hole (10 yrs/2 boys), then I stayed single for about 3 months and dated here and there. I met CJ in July 2012...he pursued me. I fell head over heels, a good ole southern boy...tall, dark, and handsome. Open the doors for me...whole 9 yards....

We moved quickly, we were living together after 2 months. It just felt right....then about 2 months into it, the real CJ started slowly coming out.

He has done so much to me in these 2 1/2 years, I look back and want to smack myself. He has destroyed my property, cheated on me, emotionally and physically
abused me....he has humiliated me and made me feel so small....but still I stayed,
still I love him. I just don't get it.

Everyone tells me that I am a good woman and have an amazing job, that I deserve to be with a good man. He doesn't deserve me. I believe he has used me, drained me dry. I am in love with his potential....but that is too far fetched for me. He could be an amazing man, he has it in him. But that alcohol has a hold over him that I can never understand.

He ruined the relationship he had with his kids mom...so she took their 3 kids and left. She tried to warn me but I didn't listen. I thought she was the crazy baby mama. In March we found out he had a 1 year old (happened before we got together), I still didn't leave him....that baby needed me cause both her parents are alcoholics. It's so sad...and in actuality, I will miss her the most. She calls me mom and was always with me. I feel like crying right now as I am writing this. I know we could have had the perfect life if he could just leave this crap alone! Uhh!

It should be banned! Outlawed, like any other drug!

I am just so sad!

lillamy

For future reference -- someone who wants to move quickly is a big red flag. My ex was the same way; he proposed the first time after I had known him for about a month and been on about four dates.

Why? Because if you date them for a long time, you'll find all this garbage out BEFORE you move in with them, before they have control of your finances and your life.

A normal, sane man doesn't rush you into a live-in relationship -- addiction or no addiction. A normal sane person wants to KNOW the person they move in with.

Which makes both you and I sort of... needy and codependent, since we bought into it.

And let me tell you -- being single and alone isn't as bad as you may fear. It's one heckuvalot better than being married to someone who's abusive and cheating on you. In my opinion.

goplayoutside

Sweetie, hang in there. This is the worst time. It will get better, but you took a huge step.

You don't miss the man, you miss what you thought he could be. He can't be that man and probably never was. You say the real man showed up about 2 months after you moved in with him. That man you first met did not exist.

His cheating has broken your trust and the abuse is what keeps you going back for more. The man has ripped your self-esteem out from under you. You think you aren't a whole person without him, but the you are whole. You just need a little time to figure that out.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Really consider that because that is what you are going back to if you go back. Look at who he has been for the past year. That is the man you are attached to. Do you really want to spend your life with that?

I left when I was 40. There is life after 40. Be strong and hang in there. Make that list right now. The good, the bad. Do it before you do anything else.

goplayoutside

Well put! That's my opinion too!

thotful

For the loved ones in my life, learning about detachment has helped me. I have learned the difference between loving and enabling. That I can actually love someone in the same moment that I am setting a boundary and enforcing it. I love you very much and think the world of you - I will not be your punching bag (emotionally or physically). I will not expose myself to anymore abuse. I will take care of myself. This doesn't always mean that you have to leave the relationship completely, but sometimes it does. The boundaries are violated so often and so frequently that participating in the relationship at all is like swallowing poison and hoping we don't get effected. I have left several family members behind and struggle with it still almost every day. I've betrayed my "family". The reality is that I have defined what I will accept in my life. They haven't changed one bit and their behavior just crosses a line. I love the person, but will not tolerate the behavior. I totally understand the feeling of conflict...I love them...yet, I hate them. For me, that's the fact that I do truly love the person unconditionally, but I hate the behavior. I made the choice that I also love myself and will protect my adult self and my inner child from abuse.

Those are my personal experiences. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Good luck and keep coming back! Wishing you the best in taking care of you.

maia1234

No NEW CONTACT........ NO NEW HURTS!!!

I Say this to myself every time I want to talk to him. It brings such pain to me, so why do I do it to myself. I try not to.

In the divorce we still exchange money back and forth so this time I wrote a note and had DD deliver it at their dinner the other night. No hurts to me!!

By the way it doesn't always work with the quick dating. I dated mine 8 years before I married mine. He was an addict before marriage, during marriage and after the divorce.

Chantal88

thotful-

You hit on something that I am struggling with right now. It is difficult for me to say that I sometimes "hate" people I care about, but sometimes I feel that I do! I think the way you phrased it makes sense to me. You love the person but hate the behavior.

My question is, how long did it take you to arrive at this place emotionally? Did you have help through counseling or some other support group?

Kboys

Oh I so know this feeling and it is like nothing else!
My AH moved out in September for about a week. It was excruciating, even though I KNEW it was the right thing and that things would get easier as time and no contact went on. I gave in and let him come back WAY too soon. And now, even though he's not drinking, I deeply regret the decision to let him come back.
YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION for you and your child. Stick with that. Do whatever you have to do to stay strong! Stay on this site, go to Al- Anon, talk to friends, co-workers. TAKE CARE OF YOU

HUGS