Aellyce

Hi, Friends,

So yeah, more strange stuff from me. This is something I originally did not want to share on here, for many reasons. But it won't leave my mind these days, and I feel it's a bit threatening... so here goes.

I'm an alcoholic coming up on a year of sobriety. I'm good with the abstinence from alcohol, but recently I've been getting lots of impulses to get high on psychedelic drugs. Last time I used any of those drugs was ~6 years ago. I just would like to see if there are others like me in this... again, when I have cravings these days, it's not for alcohol, but for psychedelics.

For those of you familiar, it feels a bit like this:


This has been on for me now for ~a week, and I want a solution. Some of them are flashbacks to earlier experiences. I have a therapist and psychiatrist, and will see both this week.

What do you think?

courage2

More so last year than this year, I sometimes displaced my cravings for alcohol onto other drugs -- I was fantasizing about ecstasy for a while, and went so far as to try to get someone to buy me coke one night. I even dreamed about drugs, even drugs I'd never taken. It was all just part of the same thing -- my alcoholic mind looking for a loophole.

I don't get much in the way of cravings for alcohol or other substances any more, I think because I've admitted in a pretty fundamental way that recreational drug use is not an option for me any more. Do you think it might still be an option for you, if you could just "get it right"?

Ruby2

Well, i made a year on December 1. It came and went. But, I have to say that lately, I've had urges for drinking but even more than drinking I've been thinking about Valium and I wasn't a pill popper. I've been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety caused by fear and anger though so I'm not sure you are in the same boat.

One year is a big milestone. And congratulations on coming this far. I love reading your posts because you have a lot of insight. But with milestones also sometimes comes euphoria. And a want to celebrate a momentous achievement. Perhaps this is what you may be going through? The thought that if you can't celebrate your sober "birthday" from alcohol by drinking it, celebrating it with something else? I'm glad you came here to talk about it.

OmoRose

You are an addict.

Your brain is wired into seeking roads to alternate.

Maybe some will disagree, but I know for me, my brain likes to trip down into the of well, what if I just, nibble a little of that or this? *dreamy gaze*

We usually snap out of it, and continue on, but sometimes it grips, and tickles the right spot so we stop, we want to follow the whisp into the woods.

I officially slap you back out of that. Sorry, I'm abrupt at times.
Don't think on it anymore. I know it's pretty! Oh yes it is. I slap you again!
Let the whisp go, and keep your feet out of the toadstool circle.

Wastinglife

In college, I did a ton of hallucinogenic drugs. LSD, ecstasy, shrooms. They really messed with my head and brain chemistry for a while. I seriously recommend u stay far away from doing them. They will mess u up and open a whole can of worms.

Why ruin a year of sobriety? Especially for illegal drugs that you don't know what they are made of. These days they are stronger and made with synthetic chemicals that change every week.

Snap out of it mate!

Verte

Haennie, what does this time of year mean to you (seasons, weather, death, birth, events, foods or locations of the past. Lunar cycle. Stress of the future)? It is really good that you have appointments coming up. This will help ground your thoughts.

Lance40

I think it's our addictive voice looking for an outlet. A while back I was watching a National Geographic special about PCP in Washington, DC and all of a sudden I was getting a little thrill of pleasure about thinking it would be a nice vacation to go there and try it. It almost sounds too ridiculous to admit when I type it. I live thousands of km away in another country and that it would even be a thought that I would go to a foreign city and stumble into some drug ghetto to score a drug I've never even tried? I love drug related documentaries but had to realize that they were triggers and haven't watched one since. The latest trick my AV is playing is that I could use psychedelics for spiritual pursuits which I have done years ago, but I have to come back to my commitment to treat all of that as part of my sobriety commitment the same as alcohol or an alcohol craving. There is a good reason I quit using drugs.

Aellyce

Haennie, what does this time of year mean to you

Can I dissect? Not for the first time, but happy to do it for you and here generally

seasons: I love the fall and winter now, but this was different in my past.

weather: not sure. on some days, I love the sunshine. more often, honestly, I love the "gloomy" and evenly dull days. I loved living in London, for example.

death: curious. my history is that death typically inspires me to give birth (novelty) and to renew myself.

birth, events, foods or locations of the past. Too many things to specify here just now...

Okay, so are we good to go now? Or am I?
(~getting out of the chair after a therapy session~)

Soberwolf

Hang in there Heannie and well done on your upcoming year

Aellyce

Well, if anything, the snowing today in NYC will take my mind off. I love the snow like a silly puppy

SoberLeigh

No experience here but sending love and support, sweet haennie (and snow).

Wholesome

That's weird.... I've been having similar thoughts of going out dancing and taking some ecstasy to "celebrate" my sobriety from alcohol. Stupid AV. I"m not worried that I'll get all back into drugs... what is stopping me is that I will eventually have to come down off the drugs and that will be when I'll be most likely to have a drink... so I can ease that come down. Needless to say I've had the thoughts and dismissed them as they should be. Just my addictive Gollum voice having a tantrum because I'm denying it. Haha. Tough.

Dee74

Party drugs were never my thing but it took me a long time to not want to smoke weed - it was like a part of me accepted I couldn't drink...but maybe I could still get my freak on with other things.

It was silly of course, but it helped me realise that alcohol wasn't actually my problem, or weed - *I* was my problem.

Ask yourself what your nostalgia is made of Haennie - do you want escape, no responsibilities, a return to simpler times, or what?

Whatever the motivation is, once you identify it then you can work on dealing with it in a healthy way

D

Aellyce

Thanks, everyone. I won't take anything... I would really hate myself now using drugs. But it's not really what I think of myself, much more that using substances is not where I want my life to go.

Dee, psychedelics were never "party drugs" for me. I was never a "party person" after I turned ~17... I was more the Timothy Leary or Allen Ginsberg type, not long, maybe ~5-6 years in my late 20's and early 30's. Explorer inside out, haha But I see this "motivation" now inside out as well, no problem for me identifying why these thoughts. I posted about the thoughts because I want to make sure there is no way I act on this now.

Yeah, definitely "I" am the problem when it comes to addictions in my life. Alcohol was only one, albeit the worst ever for me so far. But I don't plan to trade it with something new now. I believe the thoughts are also related to the stresses in my life lately: lots of things I would prefer to "get away" from, psychologically. A new thing I just heard this afternoon is that the person I was in a relationship with during the last ~3 years before I quit drinking, who was one of my best colleague and collaborator ever, is leaving our career path. I definitely won't drink or do anything stupid over this, but it's... weird.

Again, thanks, guys. I did not want to post this originally, but I'm glad I did.

OmoRose

*Slaps you hard*

Yeah, you needed that.

Way too easy for us addicts of many things to get all googly eyed.

It SUCKS.

Not really? I smack you again right in the cheek so I stings like hell.

I need that too, and I am a bit mad; you need it, I need it.
No more ******** with our sober selves. I'm such a jerk!

*hugs*

Aellyce

Ha ha, I can make that work, Omo... I hope you stay around for a while here on SR, we can also switch to make this sobriety thing stick

Tang

I used these heavily in my teens. Usually solitary. I considered it a spiritual use. However they left me feeling empty and lonely. Enter alcohol. One drug leads to another...

Aellyce

Yes, Tang, I believe in the "gateway" concept of drug use. I actually do research on this professionally... But sticking with personal experience here, for me the first substance was caffeine -- both of my parents were coffee lovers, and they introduced me into it when I was about 10 yo. Never quit since. Then nicotine, started smoking at 13. Quit that ~20 years later. I also had a pretty bad stint with eating disorders between ~age 10-23. That "hole" between ~25 and my starting to have the alcohol problem was the era of psychedelics for me. So looking through my life, there really wasn't a time yet when I lived without addictive behaviors. I am sure this is true for many of us here on SR. But I want to be free of all this *** now. Hard. Freedom is scary. What do I do without my obsessions? I think I'm what most of the existentialist thinkers could use as a prototype.