CaringScared

Hi all, hope everyone's doing well.

So I know many will be disappointed with me, because they wish the best for me, but I'm still nominally with my boyfriend who is addicted to crack. He was clean for 30 days straight (in a home), relapsed one day, then got 30 more clean days under his belt (again, in a home). Going against plan though, he left the home on New Year's Day. His family took him back in--one more chance.

We've talked since then but I haven't been to see him, even though he lives close by. I saw him once a week while he was in the home, brought him food and books, and we talked every day then. But now that he's out, I've been so hesitant to be in his presence even for an hour. He isn't actively working a program, and I am just so reluctant to put myself in any kind of situation that could involve him using. I think I was so lucky never to have been hurt or stolen from in the days I was with him, and he sounds so desperately sad to me that I just have a bad feeling. He is isolated in his house, not working, not exercising, just being depressed, and I don't trust it. I feel helpless...

I love him so dearly and I sympathize with anyone who has this problem. It seems so frightening and so isolating and so damaging to self-worth. We texted quite a bit last night about how lonely he is and how much we miss each other. I love him so dearly, but I don't know what I would tell my friends and family if I ever made a decision that wound up in me getting hurt. I feel like he will definitely hurt himself or someone else if he goes back to doing it for even a week.

So I just don't know if I can ever go back. But I do love him.

hopeful4

I think that most people here love or have loved the addict in their lives. That does not mean that it's possible to have a happy and healthy relationship with that person.

Tight hugs. I hope you have a support system of your own.

Ann

You are wise to keep a healthy distance right now, I know it is hard for you to do this but the alternative is to become enmeshed in his addiction and that will just drag you down too.

Hugs

zoso77

Well, this is a realistic way of looking at things. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

CaringScared

Thank you so much, friends.

Well, today is a better day. He checked himself back into the hospital yesterday and seems to be thinking a bit more clearly. We'll see.

maia1234

CS- You have to remember this for him to seek help and get well. You need to give him space so he can do this on his own. That is the only way that he will stick to hit. Don't baby him or coddle him. I am sorry to be so mean, but you really want him to work his program and take care of himself. He should not be worrying about you.

Let him go so he can soar!!!!

CaringScared

Thanks maia1234,

Yeah, I guess it was the right decision to not see him when he left the home. Or I don't know if it was right, but it was fine in the long run. When your instincts say "stay away," you need to give yourself permission to listen. It's usually best for others as well.

He told me on this phone this morning not to worry about him. I've been trying not to. I have been thinking a lot about the poem Ann posted about letting go and the difference between caring for and caring about.

It's okay to have my own life.

maia1234

Yes, Give him to his higher power to take care of him now. He's in a good place now.

You need to work on you. Try not to ask questions and not always be available for the phone calls. He needs to see that you are busy moving on.

Good luck and mind your business... (((((((hugs))))))