Fate2012

My AH and I have been married 3 years and it's been either pills or heroin. He has been going to NA meetings and supposedly clean for 14 months but I found an empty pill capsule a few weeks ago and my heart just sank. After asking him and of course he denied everything I kicked him out of the house. We have 2 young children and I can't have them around that.
I later found out that the person he was sponsoring was a woman and he has been spending lots of time with her. She is a hot mess who lost custody of her child b/c her drug problems. Im pretty sure they were/are having an affair.
Also found out that he has been on online dating websites and looking at porn. He is all over the map.
We are now separated and I know it's for the best but it hurts so bad.
He doesn't take any responsibility for any part of the collapse of our marriage. Has anyone else gone through this...I feel so alone!
He blames me for kicking him out, changing the locks etc etc. He shows no remorse and shows no emotion.
I'm trying to stay strong but I have so much anger and sadness.

zoso77

HVM...

I see that you joined us back in late 2013, so welcome back. I'm glad you posted.

When does it get better? Well, that depends on what you're talking about. If you're talking about the addict, it often doesn't get better. If you're talking about yourself, then that's something you have complete control over.

Of course he doesn't take any responsibility for it. Active addiction is a condition where responsibility does not exist. He's not even responsible to himself, so why would be take responsibility for his marriage?

You can be strong while being both angry and sad. There's nothing wrong with those feelings. And while we're not marriage counselors here, I would encourage you to consider what is best for you and your two kids, being mindful that what is best for you is not necessarily what you want.

Regarding this:

Yeah, this happens a lot, Thirteenth stepping. It happened to me. My way of dealing with it was to cut all ties and contact with my AXGF. Infidelity is a deal breaker. There's no coming back from that, and that's because it's indicative someone's poor character makeup.

Do what you need to do.

Fate2012

Thanks Zoso,

We have 2 young kids so I can't break away from him completely. If we talk (by text) it's only about the kids.
I just feel that he has moved on and has someone in his life...never looked back and Im alone. I would never go back to him since he is spiraling out of control and overall he wasn't a good husband before this most recent event. I just hope to start feeling better soon. Thanks for your post

zoso77

May I gently suggest that because you have 2 young children, you may have to break away completely.

Mind you, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. What I am saying is your AH has effectively abandoned the family by using heroin and 13th Stepping, and because of this, your children should have as little to do with him as possible.

Your AH has shown he doesn't care about how his actions impact those kids. He may never care. And based on that, you need to respond appropriately.

My $0.02.

ladyscribbler

Have you had time to consult an attorney regarding your rights in this situation? Especially regarding custody/visitation with your children and child support. Many attorneys do a free initial consultation, and you may also qualify for legal aid in your state. That will minimize the amount of contact you have with your ex and protect you in the future. I share a son with my alcoholic ex, and it can be really stressful with nothing on paper (working now to correct that) because alcoholics and addicts are all over the map with their behavior. Mine ignored us for over a year, then filed for shared custody of our son because he is married now and feels that suddenly makes him a responsible person.
So sorry you are going through this, it is especially stressful when kids are so young and rely on you for everything. Make sure you're taking care of yourself in all this. Your little ones need a healthy mommy. Get as much rest as you can, and cry and scream into a pillow if you need to.
And keep posting. We are here for you. Big hugs.

Fate2012

Right now I have been contacting local agencies to see about getting support so I can put my kids in daycare...the hubby used to take care of them during the day. Now it's family but it's only temporary. As soon as I can get some sort of assistance (b/c) I count count on the AH, I will then contact an attorney and see about filing for divorce and custody.
His mom is an enabler so she believes everything her son tells them and I am the bad person...pretty funny.
Oh well, life can only get better from this. Just hope sooner rather than later.

zoso77

Yeah, moms can be gullible. Not your problem.

brokenheart435

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I so feel your pain. My AH left us almost 2 months ago, found out he's been using meth. We haven't seen or heard from him now in over 3 weeks. The children and I are heartbroken. He left us for his AGF. It's amazing how quickly someone could change and be completely the opposite of the person you have known and loved. I wish I had words to ease your pain
We are going to our first Al-Anon/Alateen meetings this evening. I am hoping they will help us cope with everything that is going on.
Please keep yourself and your children safe and be strong. It's easier said than done believe me I know but SR is very helpful, there are so many kind and supportive people here.
I'll be praying for you and your children.
*HUGS* XXXX
BH

hopeful4

I have definitely went through it. I can say that having a support system of my own, and counseling with a therapist who specializes in helping families with addiction helped me immensely. This is who he is now, so don't try to look back at who you thought he was.

Facts and actions is what you need to see and remember. He lies. He is having an affair. He accepts no responsibility for what he is doing and has done. Those are the facts.

Get yourself into counseling or Naranon or some face to face support. Time heals a lot of things, I know you are hurting now, but in the long run, life for you will be better without him.

Tight Hugs.