Confession time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 199
Confession time
I did have some wine over the holidays. I had 3 months sober and had a couple glasses, a couple days between Christmas and new years. I did not drink to get drunk, and did not get drunk. I did it in the company of my wife and not in secret. I enjoyed the moderation, and it is back on the shelf. I am on day 2, no shakes, no withdraw, just a little guilt, which is just that, a little due to the fact I wasn't hiding it.
I feel the need to report this to the community, so I can get back on track and start racking up sober days again. I do not want to get sucked back into where I was and I know science proves less then 1% come back from alcoholism to be able to moderately drink again. I don't think I am that special to be that lonely 1%. I celebrated the holidays, and really enjoyed myself, now it is time to focus on my goals again...with a clear head and conscious.
If you, like myself lost the battle over the holiday, now is the time to get it back. I wish everyone here a successful and happy 2015.
I feel the need to report this to the community, so I can get back on track and start racking up sober days again. I do not want to get sucked back into where I was and I know science proves less then 1% come back from alcoholism to be able to moderately drink again. I don't think I am that special to be that lonely 1%. I celebrated the holidays, and really enjoyed myself, now it is time to focus on my goals again...with a clear head and conscious.
If you, like myself lost the battle over the holiday, now is the time to get it back. I wish everyone here a successful and happy 2015.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Good of you to get it off your conscience.
It sounds like you and I share a similar risk factor; we are actually able to give ourselves 'evidence' of an ability to moderate.
But if you're like me - that evidence is deadly dangerous. It is just the set up to let down the guard and feel like there's no real problem. Just needed a break. Just needed to get back on track. I got this....
Then comes a relaxing of the focus, distancing from sobriety support and a slow sneaky return to out if control drinking.
It didn't take long for me last time. Then it got pretty dark and bad and ugly for a year or so before I finally pulled back out.
I hope you'll take this as a warning shot and redouble your efforts
It sounds like you and I share a similar risk factor; we are actually able to give ourselves 'evidence' of an ability to moderate.
But if you're like me - that evidence is deadly dangerous. It is just the set up to let down the guard and feel like there's no real problem. Just needed a break. Just needed to get back on track. I got this....
Then comes a relaxing of the focus, distancing from sobriety support and a slow sneaky return to out if control drinking.
It didn't take long for me last time. Then it got pretty dark and bad and ugly for a year or so before I finally pulled back out.
I hope you'll take this as a warning shot and redouble your efforts
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
sounds like due to your ability to moderate this one time, it will be easier to slip the next.....the voice in the back of your head has probably grown in power now. You sound like you enjoyed yourself and not like someone who is done drinking.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Glad you're back....
I know in my heart of hearts I am an alcoholic. If I were a pyromanic I wouldn't play with matches once in a awhile - thinking, well that wasn't too bad.
Not every time I drank did I have problems - BUT it evolved into - Every time I would have a problem there was alcohol involved in some fashion.
So, once I made the decision to not drink - that was done. I am now free to screw things up in my life while sober
But, booze won't be the foundation of poor choices and my loved ones won't have to worry about it.
Each of us has to make our own choices - no one makes us drink and no one keeps us sober. We take ownership.
If I know I am an alcoholic, with alcoholism - I can't drink sometimes. If I do, then I am forming a belief system like the pyro - well, that wasn't too bad.
Good luck on your journey, and glad you've made the decision today to rack up some sober daze......again.
Kind Regards
I know in my heart of hearts I am an alcoholic. If I were a pyromanic I wouldn't play with matches once in a awhile - thinking, well that wasn't too bad.
Not every time I drank did I have problems - BUT it evolved into - Every time I would have a problem there was alcohol involved in some fashion.
So, once I made the decision to not drink - that was done. I am now free to screw things up in my life while sober
But, booze won't be the foundation of poor choices and my loved ones won't have to worry about it. Each of us has to make our own choices - no one makes us drink and no one keeps us sober. We take ownership.
If I know I am an alcoholic, with alcoholism - I can't drink sometimes. If I do, then I am forming a belief system like the pyro - well, that wasn't too bad.
Good luck on your journey, and glad you've made the decision today to rack up some sober daze......again.
Kind Regards
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
Good of you to get it off your conscience.
It sounds like you and I share a similar risk factor; we are actually able to give ourselves 'evidence' of an ability to moderate.
But if you're like me - that evidence is deadly dangerous. It is just the set up to let down the guard and feel like there's no real problem. Just needed a break. Just needed to get back on track. I got this....
Then comes a relaxing of the focus, distancing from sobriety support and a slow sneaky return to out if control drinking.
It didn't take long for me last time. Then it got pretty dark and bad and ugly for a year or so before I finally pulled back out.
I hope you'll take this as a warning shot and redouble your efforts
It sounds like you and I share a similar risk factor; we are actually able to give ourselves 'evidence' of an ability to moderate.
But if you're like me - that evidence is deadly dangerous. It is just the set up to let down the guard and feel like there's no real problem. Just needed a break. Just needed to get back on track. I got this....
Then comes a relaxing of the focus, distancing from sobriety support and a slow sneaky return to out if control drinking.
It didn't take long for me last time. Then it got pretty dark and bad and ugly for a year or so before I finally pulled back out.
I hope you'll take this as a warning shot and redouble your efforts
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
I did something similar. However, in my case I had a severe hangover (only had 2 drinks). This further solidified my body's inability to handle any alcohol anymore. No excuse on my end other than I'm more serious than ever.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12
Ughh!!! I did the same thing after 3 months of no drinking. I basically took the month off in December. Not a good idea! I had 6 drinks while watching football with neighbor yesterday. Stupid!!! I'm hung over today and feeling really guilty. Just started my "sober time" app again. Day 1--depressing. But, I need to do this. I felt so much better when I wasn't drinking. But, why did I start again? I still missed it somehow. I wish I could understand myself better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Not to say this will or will not happen to you, but that is how I started again... Just a glass of wine... just one. Then didnt drink another for a week. Then thought, hey I can do this, and had another glass of wine. Then that turned to two glasses a few days later. That turned to me running out on the way home from work to get a 6 pack- but again only drank 1-3. I thought I got this. Well that turned to finishing the six pack, and taking a few shots after that to go to sleep.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by jryan19982
Not to say this will or will not happen to you, but that is how I started again... Just a glass of wine... just one. Then didnt drink another for a week. Then thought, hey I can do this, and had another glass of wine. Then that turned to two glasses a few days later. That turned to me running out on the way home from work to get a 6 pack- but again only drank 1-3. I thought I got this. Well that turned to finishing the six pack, and taking a few shots after that to go to sleep.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 199
Oh, don't get me wrong. I know I was playing with fire. That's why I needed to confess and get back on the right track. Like I said previously I don't feel like I am lucky enough to be that 1% and am returning here to get back to it. Thank you for all the feed back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by MarathonMan
sounds like due to your ability to moderate this one time, it will be easier to slip the next.....the voice in the back of your head has probably grown in power now. You sound like you enjoyed yourself and not like someone who is done drinking.
I relapsed twice over the holidays. Both times I was somehow able to -- inexplicably -- drink only two drinks. I didn't do it in secret, either.
Not sure if that makes it better or worse. While I certainly know it's better than doing it behind closed doors, it was bad in another way because my spouse saw and was complicit. (In fairness, I waited until I was in the room alone, grabbed a wine bottle and poured a glass, then took a sip before my spouse came back in the room. I did it that way because I knew that, given the chance to stop me, he would. But since I'd "already started" he was sort of horrified, but then he watched me do it without too much objection.
No idea why I effing did it. I'm very sorry that I did and I feel that, like the poster says, it was actually more dangerous that it happened this way. Having two drinks and then feeling grossed out and yucky and not wanting to continue was just insidious enough to make me think (in the back of my mind), "Maybe my problem is gone? Maybe I can moderate now."
What my mind SHOULD HAVE taken from it:
"You were incredibly lucky. You dodged a bullet. You won't always be that lucky."
"You didn't even enjoy it. No thrill, no joy. No physical pleasure. So why are you still even thinking about alcohol in any way? Why does any part of you still want this obviously unpleasant thing? If chocolate cake suddenly tasted like dirt, you'd no longer want. That's effectively what has happened here -- no pleasurable effects from drinking whatsoever. But, yet, I'm still emotionally clinging to it."
Instead, my warped, sick mind thinks:
"Hmm, nothing bad happened. Maybe I can drink moderately?
The biggest disconnect here is that I don't even WANT to drink! I don't even enjoy alcohol -- and haven't for a very long time. It's almost like this bizarre muscle memory kicking in. I don't want to believe my "trusty best friend" has lost its luster. Because a world where alcohol no longer works is somehow scary to me. Go figure.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by NightNDay
This is exactly what I needed to hear today.
I relapsed twice over the holidays. Both times I was somehow able to -- inexplicably -- drink only two drinks. I didn't do it in secret, either.
Not sure if that makes it better or worse......
No idea why I effing did it. I'm very sorry that I did and I feel that, like the poster says, it was actually more dangerous that it happened this way.......
.....just insidious enough to make me think (in the back of my mind), "Maybe my problem is gone? Maybe I can moderate now."
Instead, my warped, sick mind thinks:
"Hmm, nothing bad happened. Maybe I can drink moderately?
The biggest disconnect here is that I don't even WANT to drink! I don't even enjoy alcohol .....
I relapsed twice over the holidays. Both times I was somehow able to -- inexplicably -- drink only two drinks. I didn't do it in secret, either.
Not sure if that makes it better or worse......
No idea why I effing did it. I'm very sorry that I did and I feel that, like the poster says, it was actually more dangerous that it happened this way.......
.....just insidious enough to make me think (in the back of my mind), "Maybe my problem is gone? Maybe I can moderate now."
Instead, my warped, sick mind thinks:
"Hmm, nothing bad happened. Maybe I can drink moderately?
The biggest disconnect here is that I don't even WANT to drink! I don't even enjoy alcohol .....
Yep. All of this.
Been there..... then fell hard.
Redouble. Redouble.
IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!
Thinking these thoughts because we managed to have one or two drinks one or two times without disaster - after nearly a LIFETIME of clear evidence of where it leads..... IS INSANITY.
insanity.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I think it helps to be aware that whether one is drinking out in the open or behind closed doors…the issue is still the same…one is drinking. Sobriety has to be an internal decision that you honor whether there are other people watching or not. Once you shore up your inner resolve it won't matter if you are abducted by aliens wielding vodka lasers….you are impermeable because you don't drink.
I know as an alcoholic having any sort of wavering. ideas about alcohol left me feeling deprived…so any sober time I accumulated with that mindset felt like fasting, not sobriety. That is the toughest spot…and one our AV capitalizes on, any sort of gap in our acknowledgement and we are feeding the wrong wolf. My darkest days were knowing I had a problem and still toying with the idea of drinking.
I have never heard the stats on the 1% of alcoholics that can moderate…sounds masochistic to me. If I had to define alcoholism it is hanging on to the idea of drinking like a normal person even though we have permanently altered our brain's function. Someone with a lot of sober time warned me once not to get stuck on "the bridge". I think that is a difficult cycle where someone changes their drinking style and slips or relapses simply become the new pattern. It reminds me of being on an exercise bike with no resistance, peddling furiously but not really going anywhere. Turn up the resistance and face the burn, we build sober muscles fast once we close those dangerous loopholes in our minds.
The biggest mindset shift came for me when I changed my thinking from "I can't drink" to "I don't drink". Not a deprivation, a decision that I want to reclaim the life I deserve. Change always feels uncomfortable, know that going in, you are going to be anxious and it will feel strange. Right now, strange is good, because you know what not making changes feels like…stagnant, treading misery.
Just remember, "I don't drink, no matter what".
I know as an alcoholic having any sort of wavering. ideas about alcohol left me feeling deprived…so any sober time I accumulated with that mindset felt like fasting, not sobriety. That is the toughest spot…and one our AV capitalizes on, any sort of gap in our acknowledgement and we are feeding the wrong wolf. My darkest days were knowing I had a problem and still toying with the idea of drinking.
I have never heard the stats on the 1% of alcoholics that can moderate…sounds masochistic to me. If I had to define alcoholism it is hanging on to the idea of drinking like a normal person even though we have permanently altered our brain's function. Someone with a lot of sober time warned me once not to get stuck on "the bridge". I think that is a difficult cycle where someone changes their drinking style and slips or relapses simply become the new pattern. It reminds me of being on an exercise bike with no resistance, peddling furiously but not really going anywhere. Turn up the resistance and face the burn, we build sober muscles fast once we close those dangerous loopholes in our minds.
The biggest mindset shift came for me when I changed my thinking from "I can't drink" to "I don't drink". Not a deprivation, a decision that I want to reclaim the life I deserve. Change always feels uncomfortable, know that going in, you are going to be anxious and it will feel strange. Right now, strange is good, because you know what not making changes feels like…stagnant, treading misery.
Just remember, "I don't drink, no matter what".
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
A couple of points that are intended as IMHO, so please view it as such.
#1 - I have stated this in other threads and will post it again. Sometimes counting days can be detrimental to our sobriety. You go 5 or 6 days, 2 or 3 months, whatever the count, then you drink. That automatically reads failure. "Damn, now I have to start all over again at day one." Many times, a person is discouraged and even may have a twinge of reluctance to do it all over again. In recovery, disappointment in ourselves can be damaging. I feel if we take less emphasis in our "days" sober and concentrate more on the concept of "I don't drink alcohol", we are more apt to dust ourselves off and hop back in the saddle with no remorse or even give it a second thought. If you drank yesterday, so what? Yesterday is only a fabrication of your mind. It is not "now" nor does it have any affect on the present (unless you allow it.) Enjoy the sobriety of today and don't dwell on yesterday or tomorrow. Neither exist. Only today matters.
#2 Many of us need to redefine the meaning of celebration. Society, marketing, and familial customs have made alcohol synonymous with festivities. To rewire our brains to reject this fallacy can help us ignore those "holiday instigated" drinks. This requires much effort on our part. We have to relearn how to celebrate without the drug. We did it as children and had a great time. The celebratory drink is too easy of trap for many addicts in recovery.
Again, this is all my opinion, for whatever that is worth to you.
Peace
#1 - I have stated this in other threads and will post it again. Sometimes counting days can be detrimental to our sobriety. You go 5 or 6 days, 2 or 3 months, whatever the count, then you drink. That automatically reads failure. "Damn, now I have to start all over again at day one." Many times, a person is discouraged and even may have a twinge of reluctance to do it all over again. In recovery, disappointment in ourselves can be damaging. I feel if we take less emphasis in our "days" sober and concentrate more on the concept of "I don't drink alcohol", we are more apt to dust ourselves off and hop back in the saddle with no remorse or even give it a second thought. If you drank yesterday, so what? Yesterday is only a fabrication of your mind. It is not "now" nor does it have any affect on the present (unless you allow it.) Enjoy the sobriety of today and don't dwell on yesterday or tomorrow. Neither exist. Only today matters.
#2 Many of us need to redefine the meaning of celebration. Society, marketing, and familial customs have made alcohol synonymous with festivities. To rewire our brains to reject this fallacy can help us ignore those "holiday instigated" drinks. This requires much effort on our part. We have to relearn how to celebrate without the drug. We did it as children and had a great time. The celebratory drink is too easy of trap for many addicts in recovery.
Again, this is all my opinion, for whatever that is worth to you.
Peace
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