Blossom717

I picked up little blossom from exabf yesterday. first thing he says is that she didn't want to leave. Then he gives her to me and hands me some new toys for her and tells me to make sure I bring them back to him.

Then while we are driving down the road, I am trying to be cheerful. I tell her "I hope you had a good time with daddy! I sure did miss you!"

Her reply: "I missed you too, but I no love you. I love daddy."

My heart broke a little bit. I told her that daddy and I both love her very much. She said she knows, but she loves daddy. I asked her if daddy said something not very nice about mommy. (only because of the way they were both acting.) she said "yes. But I no say that word."

I didn't ask anything else. It just hurt, I know I shouldn't let it. Before he picked her up Saturday I had to take her to the doctor so he met us there. He wasn't happy about it, told me her clothes smelled like an "old lady's house" and that I didn't know how to clean. He also said that if I wasn't still sick she wouldn't keep getting sick. (I've had a cough and congestion for about 2 months...antibiotics won't help. She ended up having an ear infection.).

So....I don't know. I need some reassurance or something I guess. I feel like hiding under the covers right now. School starts this week and I don't know how I'm supposed to focus when I feel like he is training her to chose a side.
Everytime he talks to her on the phone he only stays on long enough to get her to repeat "I want to go to daddy and my's house." and then he tells her he loves her, reminds her of a toy he got her, and gets off the phone.

Am I crazy to think this is manipulation? it just brings flashbacks to what my dad tried to do.

iamthird

It is manipulation. I get that from separated AH all the time regarding our 6 year old daughter. She is little, you cannot what she is saying rock your world. I know it hurts. When my daughter is angry she will sometimes say she is going to run to Daddy's house. Children are just children.

What you described at the dr., is something my separated AH would do and has done to me. That is quacking. You dont want your daughter sick, it is nobodys fault that kids get sick. He is just engaging you. He is not healthy.

I am going through same thing constantly with separated AH. Everything in the world is my fault. He attacks every decision, my job, choice of where I live, go to church, who my friends are, what her daycare is, etc. Nothing I do meets his approval. Guess what Blossom...I dont need his approval and you dont his either.

Keep focusing on you and your daughter. Keep spending quality time with her and loving that baby girl. Keep being there for her and be her stability. It may not be until she is an adult but she will one day know and understand you are a good mother. Your little girl loves you. I am sure of it.

walkinganewpath

Sounds like manipulation to me. ((hugs))...and don't take what she says to heart. She is too young to understand what she is saying or even feeling. Heck my 8 year old will sometimes tell me he hates me and that I'm mean. Not my job to be nice to them all the time - my job to raise them the right way. Besides the parent that isn't there everyday is usually 'the fun one'.

Are you guys in any type of 'family' counseling? Is there someone you can get advice from on how to handle what he is doing?

FlippedRHalo

Not only is it manipulation, but it's also emotionally abusive. Although she doesn't understand it all, she does know that she is a part of both of you and if he's saying derogatory things about you, it's going to affect her in a very negative way.

There is nothing I despise more than hearing about a parent using their child as a weapon against the other parent. I'll never understand exactly what it is they think they're accomplishing by that. It may hurt the other parent, but it hurts that innocent child even more. My parents both did this to me when they split up. I was 17 years old and it affected me horribly. I felt so much guilt when one would speak badly about the other in front of me. I can't even imagine how awful it must be for a young child to hear those things.

I get that people are angry and say things that the shouldn't, but that area should be a zero tolerance no go area where a child is involved. They HAVE to know that it's destructive to their child's emotional health. How can they not?

I'm sorry that you and your little girl have to go through this. It's wrong on so many levels. Brainwashing a child against the other parent is awful. Eventually, she'll know who the "whole" parent is. Just be the better person in the situation.

Hugs

marie1960

So sorry to hear this.

Not sure how old your child is, but she sound very young.
Her reply: "I missed you too, but I no love you. I love daddy." This response sounds like a child believing she needs to choose. I believe all you can do is assure her it's ok to love both mom and dad. ( even though he currently is not deserving)

he maybe filling her head with crap, but you have little control over the situation when she is with her dad. Better to spend your energy finding ways to help her feel secure, and come to terms with the new dads house/ moms house living situation.

We can't make him be a mature, responsible, loving parent. He couldn't even say no to a damn drink to save his family, to expect him to man up and own his actions now ain't happening, easier to call mommy a bitch and blame it all on her, that way he is squeaky clean, and can continue his walk on water. What a selfish, selfish fool.

Take care of you and your little one, get focused on your studies, a good life is right around the corner, just going to take a bit of work and commitment, ((((hugs)))))))

marie1960

double post

Katchie

Thats just sick and twisted. Maybe a therapist who specializes in addictions, etc., could help you sort this out and make a plan or at least help you deal with this. Otherwise, cry if you need to but don't let that SOB steal your joy with your little girl. As she grows up she'll figure him out, make no mistake. My mother, not an alcoholic, use to play these games. I grew up and learned the truth, which damaged my relationship with my lying cheating mother for years. We did patch things up when I became an adult, but my point is that he can manipulate her now while she is an innocent but it will come back to bite him in the butt. So you just keep being mommy -- the stable mommy -- who truly loves her.

hopeful4

Oh honey, chalk it up to his quacking. Little blossom is very little. He may try to get her to choose a side, but that won't happen. She is just little and living in the very moment. My X still talks bad about me in front of my kids. They are old enough that it only makes them resent him even more b/c they know it's not true.

As she gets older, she will know who is her rock and who is...not. Just let her live in her moment and in two seconds she will be saying she loves mommy and not daddy. Goal is to love both. It's a shame he has to act that way, but it is what it is. You have always known that. So he is trying to buy her love with toys. Pretty sad if you ask me.

Now, have you seen a doctor about your own health? With the stress and being so busy as a single mom, it's easy to let your own health slip. Don't do that!!!! Take good care of you.

Tight hugs. Baby Blossom loves you. She is being manipulated and there is nothing you can do except keep being the amazing mom that you are to her.

XXX

Hangnbyathread

I hate alcoholics! Sorry just being honest.

They will use anyone and anything to accomplish a self serving goal.

Blossom717

this is o/t but a girl at my office just left here about 20 minutes ago in an ambulance. Stroke. she's 43. If y'all have a minute, I'm sure she would appreciate a prayer!


I'm just at a loss as what to do. I just tried to stay up beat, and reassure her that we both love her. I have been doing my best not to say negative things about him, I don't want to influence her opinion on her dad.

I haven't been dealing with my own health, hopeful. I need to. Classes for spring semester start today, and I'm behind at work too. The holidays have made it harder because we've had to see him more often. even with him cancelling his last 2 Tuesday visits, its like he can still make time to get under my skin. Will my firming lotion help that? (just kidding.)

lillamy

This. Provide a healthy, happy, home with boundaries and reassurance. She will feel secure there, and as she grows, she will know that the parent who says "it's OK for you to love both your parents" is the healthy one.

hopeful4

LOL....head to toe firming lotion...I am going to try it too Blossom!

dandylion

Blossom....my children's father tried the same thing after I divorced him.
Now that they are adults....they know very well exactly who their father is. I didn't bad mouth him, either.

Remember this..you two are still in the heat of battle. As time goes on...I would wager that his attention will dwindle.....less and less time spent with her. After all...this isn't about his love for her--it is about revenge toward you. He will eventually tire....
At least, mine did.....

dandylion

***You aren't obligated to convince her that He loves her. She will make that determination, eventually, based on her own experience.

Lovenjoy

this is more than manipulation IMO. it is called 'parental alienation' and in my state it is illegal for parents to do this to children and not doing this to children is part of maintaining parenting agreements.

i am so sorry your little one is being made to endure this. i've been wondering how you were doing blossom, hang in there. i am at work so this was just a quick fly by when i saw your thread. my son and his ex split when the little one was 2 and all involved tried to keep it neutral but i wonder if that would have been the case if family court hadn't reiterated every step of the way that parental alienation would violate court orders... we got 'i love mumma more' and 'i want to stay there not here' and you can just tell it is an adult's words... i would just tell her why of course you love you mumma but your heart is big enough to love us all. patience and consistency and the ex outgrew her anger and the little one knew she was loved by all.

don't be a stranger here at SR, we think of you and want the opportunity to give you and little blossom (((((hugs)))))!!!!!

pinkpeony

Listen, the youngest of our 7 children is 17yo and the only one still left at home with me and AH. She has seen all of the good and the bad over the years, she has almost called the police in the middle of the night before when AH was acting out so. She KNOWS how bad he gets, things he says and does. If she knows he has come home drunk (very hard to tell these days when he's drunk) she immediately packs her overnight bag and demands I take her to a friends house, even if there is no turmoil, he's just happy drunk.
She knows I am the one that has been his emotional punching bag, she knows I am the one who has tried to emotionally hold it & everyone all together for these 20 years as a family.

Well, his current grand plan with our complicated situation is that *I* leave my kids and beloved dogs, somehow travel (I have $50 to my name & no credit cards or savings)11 hours back to the small town I grew up in and move in with my recently widowed 84yo grandmother.
Now, he communicated none of this to me, the only thing he has said to me is that he is not the one leaving this time. I have to. So he has discussed this with her. Which is not appropriate or healthy.

The kicker? My daughter tells me that she thinks its a good plan and I should go.

Talk about a knife in the heart.

My point is, it's manipulation, it emotional abuse and it never gets better no matter how old your child is.
Please start a journal and date/time/document every single incident.

LemonGirl

This is pretty common and there is a name for it, though I forget the name....

Blossom717

Thanks everyone! I am really trying to keep her positive with both parents, and to reassure her that I will always love her. I tried contacting a children's psychology practice but she is too young. We played last night with her "little people" princess castle and she had a grand time. This morning she woke me up asking me to snuggle lol.

Now that the holidays are over, I'm looking forward to getting both of us back on a schedule. I would really like for her to start sleeping in her own bed again (she started wanting to sleep with me again after overnight visits started with exabf) but I don't want her to think I'm pushing her away or that I don't love her.

FireSprite

Glad you are feeling better today Girl! These moments with little ones are so hard, but they are just that: MOMENTS that pass. In the long scope of her lifetime your DD will figure out exactly who is quacking & who is talking to her. Chin Up Mama, you did great!

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Blossom. I think I'd add a note to my journal about this convo with Little Blossom. I'm in a different state, but the judge in my divorce and custody case wanted to know if either parent ran the other down in front of DS; I think this would qualify; especially if he keeps it up.

I had found DS a counselor who specialized in play therapy for young children. Maybe something like would a possibility? One thing to keep in mind is that a child therapist may require the approval of both parents unless you have sole legal custody. The few I spoke with did; and getting AXH to sign was a battle in itself.

DS and I have reached a stage where I'm The Meanest Mom EVER!!!! I've started telling him, 'Good. It means I'm doing my job right. Do your homework.' It's a bit different, I know... But it helps me to remember that he obviously feels safe enough in my love to say that, because he'd NEVER feel comfortable enough to say that to AXH.