wilma371

I meet my AH boyfriend 5 months ago, we liked each other since day one. I drink once in a while, just social drinker. I knew he had a problem but I liked him so much I continue in the relationship. We had so much fun together. I was always there for him, helping him in any way I could. I didn't know much about people with alcoholic problems until now (because of him and also I read a lot about it). A few months ago he was drinking heavily and he told me he wanted to change and wanted to stop drinking. That day I told him if he wanted to change I will take him to rehab that same day, he agreed and of course I didn't know where to start looking so i looked online at 3 rehab centers and picked one 2 hours away and we drove there, while driving I called the place and to make the story short they didn't have a room available but I was on a mission and I was not going back. Got a hotel and the rehab called us saying they had a room available the next day. Next day he didn't want to go but I convinced him. I took him there and was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Its hard to describe the emotions we went through specially him, He was crying, sad, he also drink a lot that day. I left him. While in rehab after a week we texted each other every day, he called me everything was fine, he even was allowed to come home on weekends. We were happy until he got out of rehab, he changed completely with me. I didn't see him, I found out he drank after getting out of rehab then he sober up for a week then he drank on Thanksgiving. We exchanged a couple of text. I saw him for lunch after 6 weeks of not seeing him (he was sober 9 days) and he told me his counselor told him he can't be in a relationship because if there is a disagreement he will drink again. He said he like me a lot and he wanted us to be together but we have to wait until he gets sober for more time. I agreed to that. He said we can be friends and I agreed to that too. Now after 30 days sober I found out he is online dating. I just don't understand, isn't that a relationship too? I'm heartbroken. Why he did that? I just don't understand. I feel sad.

ubntubnt

Hi Wilma, as you research alcoholism you will realise that you can't make logical sense of alcoholic's behaviour. They become self centred and the centre of the own universe as the addiction to drink overcomes everything else.
From what you have said it seems highly likely that your bf wants to end the relationship but has not tackled it head on and is hiding behind multiple excuses. Its also possible that he is just really mixed up at the moment and doesn't know what he wants.

Either way, he needs to make a decision and you need to know where you stand. Either the relationship ends and he is on his own and can do what he likes, including online dating, or the relationship continues and he needs to respect the boundaries that you both agree, which I assume would likely include absolutely no dating, online or otherwise.

I think its reasonable for you to ask him outright and make it easy for him to say that he wants to finish. No guilt trips or drama and allow him to express his honest feelings. If he waffles and beats around the bush you can say something like "if you would prefer to split up then please just tell me, I will be ok with it, I just want to know where we stand and you owe me that. If he insists that he wants to continue with you then you need to tell him the ground rules that are acceptable to you and be prepared to stick with them. Just my two cents.

Loved4

There is no way to understand it....both my parents are alcoholics and I married one. I can see the pattern but I do not understand why they do what they do. It is seriously baffling! I would makes some hard decisions and focus on what you need to and that might not be him. You are worth more than waiting for man who is searching for someone else online..... I'm sorry you are going through thiis because alcoholism is very painful and a difficult thing to watch others struggle with. I have cried so many tears watching others in my life destroy themselves and making bad choices hugs to you!!

lillamy

Hi Wilma & welcome to SR! I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found this place.

Alcoholics are confusing. And confused, often. And those of us who don't run when we see them, but stay in relationships with them despite all the problems -- well, we often are kind of confused, too.

I was married to an A for 20 years. I felt like he owed me because of all that I had done for him. He owed it to me to get sober. And then after I left him, and he went to rehab, he felt like I owed it to him to come back.

It's taken me a few years to realize that when you start feeling like your relationship is one where you keep tabs of who has done what for whom, and who owes the other one, then it's not really a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, you do what you want to do, not expecting anything in return -- and both of you do it. Without really thinking about it.

I've seen many situations where someone has gotten sober and left their partner. Sometimes, it's because they don't want to go back and take full responsibility for all the hurt they caused. Sometimes, it's because they want to find someone who doesn't know they're a recovering alcoholic. Sometimes, it's because they want to find someone who doesn't mind their drinking.

Regardless of why he's looking for someone else, all you can do is accept it. Don't worry about why he's doing what he's doing. That's something you have no influence over.

What I asked myself after I left AXH was "why did I fall for a man who was clearly not healthy?" and "why did I stay so long in a relationship where I was clearly being used?". Those were important questions for me to answer, so that I didn't fall into a similar situation in my next relationship.

hopeful4

Oh honey, he did it b/c he is an alcoholic and will do whatever it takes to continue to drink.

Run, run the other direction.

wilma371

I sent him one last text and told him how I felt and that I wish he would have tell me the truth and not lie to me and making me think we will be together again once he stop drinking and the truth was he wanted to be online dating and meet other woman, I wish him luck in his findings and told him the good thing about all these was that I didn't loose anything and that he did. He didn't understand why my whole attitude changed after we had a nice lunch together and that we agreed to be friends and wanted an explanation. Really? There is nothing to explain, I already made myself clear. After he wrote...You are un unbelievable fantastic woman. You are beautiful, intelligent and best of all a very nice person. I truly wish you the best and I hope we can stay friends. Bunch of BS!!! I wrote back...I never want to see you again! And he was like Wow no explanation? Ok good luck to you. That was it, I didn't respond and never will. Unbelievable!

wilma371

Thank you sooo much Ubntubnt, Loved4, Lillamy and hopeful4, thank you for taking your precious time to write me, I'm going to take all your advice and move on. I just cant imagine what you guys went through, I have been with him 5 months I can't imagine being married to an AH for so many years or your parents being AH too, my suffering is nothing compare to you guys, I'm so sorry and I hope you guys are in a better place in your life now. What a sad world AH is. I knew nothing before but after reading the whole internet about AH I have a much better understanding. I thought I can help him to change, I have so much Hope. I knew God put me in his path for a reason....just to take him to rehab and move on. I read you can be sober for 10 years and relapse, thats scary, they are like a time bomb. But because I liked him so much I just didn't care. Hopefully I will heal quickly and forget about him.

lillamy

5 months or 5 years, when someone's playing with your heart, it HURTS. Don't compare your pain to anyone else's. You have every right to be hurt; allow yourself to feel those feelings. That's the only way they go away, I've found -- they're like ornery little children who will do whatever it takes to get acknowledged. And then once you acknowledge them and let them have a little bit of time (or a lot of time), they can go away and quietly play in a corner and stop bothering you.

redatlanta

Its just a guess but I'd say he is back to full tilt boogie drinking. He doesn't want to be around you because YOU know what is going on and YOU stand in the way of his boozefest (at least in his mind).

You see in a 12 step program they will tell you not to get into a NEW relationship for at least a year. The thing about breaking up with you because his councilor told him to doesn't ring true.

You have every right to be hurt but I am glad you escaped this madness. (((hugs))) to you

hopeful4

I agree with lillamy , years, months, minutes, it does not matter. It stinks to hurt, and addicts are just great and rubbing salt in a wound it seems.

Keep up your beautiful attitude that you are going to work on you! You deserve happy and healthy relationships in your future!

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics have the emotional maturity of a teenager so I hope you let this guy go and find someone with more substance. There's nothing you can say or do that will fix this guy, if he stays sober and gets AA/therapy change happens but it takes a great deal of time. He's not serious about you -- he's INCAPABLE of being serious about anyone.

wilma371

lillamy, thank you, yes, it hurts a lot specially when I feel that I didn't mean anything to him, I feel used and manipulated, I wish there is a switch in my heart that I can turn off and move on faster.

Redatlanta, thank you, I agree with you, I think he is drinking again too. He lied to me when he said he was trying to heal. Somebody that wanted to heal don't go online dating and add more problems to their life. Hugs to you too!

NYCDoglvr, thank you, I thought so too, I have control of myself I can't control him. You are right, how can I think he love me when he is incapable of loving himself. I will move on.