knowthetriggers

So I am new to this site but not the program. I have read lots of entries and have had to sit back and think about my current situation. My AH has a very good and stable job. He is a very loving father to our girls. He cooks dinner every night...does laundry...does all the grocery shopping. A true Prince Charming right???? So what is wrong with me....I have been such a nag because of my fears. Yes he is still an active drinker....no where near what it used to be but he is still in denial. Thinks he has control, we all know he doesn't but it is not my place to tell him what he already knows. So with this new year I have decided to take care of me. Focus on my recovery. Been reading each morning from One Day At A Time and Courage To Change. Focusing on the good and not on the disease that haunts our family. Shared this site with him so there are no secrets. He was very supportive. Perhaps I should learn more for my AH. He seems to have more patience with me and my co-dependency than I do with his disease.

Eauchiche

Well, as you know Trigger from visiting here, this is highly unusual.
I have heard that there are over 100 different types of alcoholic. I am glad that your home is working for now.
I hope and pray he quits drinking before the disease progresses.

knowthetriggers

Oh I know all to well how unusual this is, believe me. Deep inside I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. He was tipsy Christmas Day! Broke my heart to see him that way, but I must stay silent and not nag, but that is very hard for me to do.

maia1234

Keep reading and take care of you.

((((((hugs)))))))))))

Hangnbyathread

OK May I ask a ? of you? You describe a man that drinks but I haven't seen anything that says he in an AC yet. His life doesn't in any way seem unmanageable from his drinking. He has not drank as much as he did, has maintained this, has offered a very stable, loving, caring household, holds down a job etc. I don't know history I just read what you write here. And don't take this the wrong way because you are saying you want to work on you more, and that is wonderful.

You even say that he has more patience with you than you do him.

Could it be you are trying to make a problem exist when there isn't one?

Maybe you are placing yourself into a battle that need not be a battle. Thereby stressing yourself for no reason.

Just a thought.

dandylion

knowthetriggers....Actually, I was just wondering the same thing that Hangnbyathread was.....?
Is there more back story......?

dandylion

knowthetriggers

Oh...there is more. He used to drink a gallon of vodka a day....a day. He could not hold a job and was totally disconnected from me and our daughter. He was in and out of rehab. I even went so far to have him picked up by the police because I feared he was trying injure himself. We did separate for 9 months but not how you think. He was invited to move to another state by a relative, to give himself a fresh start. Nine months later our daughter and I joined him. This was huge as I had no support here and was so afriad. We settled into the new "life" OK but he was still drinking...not vodka though but beer and LOTS of beer. He would drink three or four on his drive home and think nothing of it. We fought about this and I considered moving home. But wouldn't you know after years of wanting another child this is the time I became pregnant. Things were good...he still drinking lots of beer. When we bought our house we were at a really good place. Eventually he began hanging around a few neighbors that liked go play cards. One night they offered him whiskey and he has been drinking it since. That is where " the no where near "
remark comes from because he is not drinking as much vodka. But I am still afraid the other shoe will fall. As much as he slipped I became to realize that I was slipping as well. In a span of 4 yeras we have lost his young nephew, his mother and his brother (who was shot and killed by the police because he was on the run).
I could go on and on but my point is, I think, is that he is trying to cope but refuses to get help. I am so worried that we will end up in that bad place again. We were at rock bottom. Almost lost our house and had to claim bankruptcy! He could not keep a job...etc.

But as I mentioned in my original post he is now reliable and helps around the house etc ,but he is still drinking the whiskey...I keep finding the bottles. He tells me its the little triggers that get to him and he can't cope. Triggers like stress from his job and our teenager. So hence my screen name "knowthe triggers". I know I need to stop the nagging about him getting help and help myself!

knowthetriggers

Oh...there is more. He used to drink a gallon of vodka a day....a day. He could not hold a job and was totally disconnected from me and our daughter. He was in and out of rehab. I even went so far to have him picked up by the police because I feared he was trying injure himself. We did separate for 9 months but not how you think. He was invited to move to another state by a relative, to give himself a fresh start. Nine months later our daughter and I joined him. This was huge as I had no support here and was so afriad. We settled into the new "life" OK but he was still drinking...not vodka though but beer and LOTS of beer. He would drink three or four on his drive home and think nothing of it. We fought about this and I considered moving home. But wouldn't you know after years of wanting another child this is the time I became pregnant. Things were good...he still drinking lots of beer. When we bought our house we were at a really good place. Eventually he began hanging around a few neighbors that liked go play cards. One night they offered him whiskey and he has been drinking it since. That is where " the no where near "
remark comes from because he is not drinking as much vodka. But I am still afraid the other shoe will fall. As much as he slipped I became to realize that I was slipping as well. In a span of 4 yeras we have lost his young nephew, his mother and his brother (who was shot and killed by the police because he was on the run).
I could go on and on but my point is, I think, is that he is trying to cope but refuses to get help. I am so worried that we will end up in that bad place again. We were at rock bottom. Almost lost our house and had to claim bankruptcy! He could not keep a job...etc.

But as I mentioned in my original post he is now reliable and helps around the house etc ,but he is still drinking the whiskey...I keep finding the bottles. He tells me its the little triggers that get to him and he can't cope. Triggers like stress from his job and our teenager. So hence my screen name "knowthe triggers". I know I need to stop the nagging about him getting help and help myself!

Hammer

Have you read the AA Big Book?

If not, consider it, if just for the insight and perspective.

There is one chapter -- #8, called "To Wives" which many of us find rather annoying, especially considering that some of here are not a "wife" per se.

But it gives some perspective that may be useful to you.

Free Online:

Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous

Hangnbyathread

Thank you for the back story. While I agree that he appears to be an AC, I still think you need to let this go. If you didn't tell us the back story, where he is today, is what matters. It would still be his battle to fight if he falls off the wagon. Do I think he should drink? No. But for what he is and what he offers, I surely wouldn't try and take it away from him either.

What you have in him, many would consider a blessing.

knowthetriggers

Thanks Hangnbyathread! That is why I am here today - to work on me - my controlling is out of hand and I just need to let it go for sure. Because I firmly believe that I am possibly one of his "triggers"... Just Saying. It will all work out!

Hawkeye13

I've only ever seen alcoholism progress, but perhaps you have a window here which may last awhile.

I'm kind of in the same boat right now.
My husband still drinks even though I have quit, and though he had less of a problem
than I did it is still a problem for me to live with comfortably.

He also has "cut back" some but there are still days where he drinks too much
and cannot seem to control his intake. Drink em' if you got em' thing.
This isn't all the time, but it upsets me quite a bit even though he tries to be
polite and manage himself and take care of his daily tasks.

I know I long-term don't want to live with an addict in progression, however slowly,
so I am very much hoping he sticks to his plan to reduce / quit and because he is
doing "better" I'm also willing to give it some time.

He is so good person in many ways and I want to give him every chance to stop
on his own without going as far down the dark road as I chose to. Sigh.

It isn't easy, is it?

Hangnbyathread

And you just said what nobody else can. Or at least I wasn't willing to for fear of being bashed. You have spoken volumes and taken the best positive step you can be seeing it.

knowthetriggers

Hawkeye13 it is not easy. It took me a very long time to look past the disease and see him as a person who suffers with his addiction daily. I try my best to keep them separate in my mind. Loving the man he is but hating the disease. Sounds twisted but it works for me.

Hangnbyathread - I would not bash you....the truth is what it is. I know I am a co-dependent and in some serious need of "Get it together!".

Hangnbyathread

I wasn't worried you'd be the one bashing. You're on the right track and I for one thank you for seeing what you have and working to be better about you.

hopeful4

Since there is not a thing you can do about his drinking, your mindset is the right one. Get a plan in place in case the other shoe does drop, that is important.

And, keep up working on YOU.

Tight hugs.

Thumper

Embracing your own recovery will only make things better for you.

My experience with my xah (now in recovery but he wasn't when we were together) is that there were peaks and valleys but the valleys always came back - deeper and darker each time.

I will say that the births of our children came with peaks and I have good memories of those times. The crashes afterwards were lower and lower each time. My boys have a dark and sorrowful legacy to deal with now - and that is not fair to them. Be cautious with expanding your family further.

dandylion

Yep....he is gonna do what he is gonna do. And, it sounds like you already know what to do about you....

dandylion

***Of course, it isn't just the two of you in this. Have you thought of alanon or other support for the children?
Remembering that it always affects the children even if we can't SEE it.....