Not sure what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New Orleans, La.
Posts: 3
Not sure what to do.
Hello -
I'm a 44 year old man who has recently admitted my problem with binge drinking and started the long road to recovery. I know that once I start drinking, I don't stop until I wind up in the hospital or jail. So I have made the decision to quit once and for all.
My problem isn't with my recovery though. I'm committed to this completely and I'm already attending non-12 step meetings locally. I'm also being interviewed in order to find a suitable therapist this week. No matter what, I will make this work. My family and friends, while most of them drink, are all fully supportive and loving about this. Many have said they are delighted that I have made this choice, as they were all worried about me.
Sounds great, right? Honestly, it is. I know how very fortunate I am to have such a network and this only makes my decision even more important. But as I have read on other threads, there is an issue that can cause many problems, one that hits as close to home as it gets...
My live-in girlfriend still drinks, fairly heavily.
She and I met while drinking, became friends over drinks and "hooked up" while drunk. After our courtship, she moved in with me and her being a bartender, it was a match made in heaven for a while. But then my mental health issues came into play, as well as hers, and the drinking became less about us partying together and became more about self-medicating and escaping each others issues. She works graveyards and drinks during every shift at work, as well as going out afterwards to drink with customers, friends and other bartenders. Sometimes she will spend 4 hours after a shift carousing, only coming home once the sun is up. We live in New Orleans, where the drinking is 24/7, so it's easy for her to do.
At first, while I was still drinking, I resented her for isolating her drinking from me, but I see now that I was doing the same thing. Being that I work days I always felt that her drinking 4 nights a week was sapping any quality time we could have as she is always sleeping it off, sometimes at 12 hour stretches.
I have asked her to please back away from drinking for a short time in order for me to gain confidence, as well as detox herself since drinking so much is having a bad impact on so many things in her life: health, relationship, etc. She has given me all of the excuses one can expect, ones that I myself have given many times before: she just likes to drink, she doesn't have a problem, it's part of her job and so on. I have been very careful to not try to control her, but I have been very clear about my support needs, as well as my boundaries and triggers. I simply cannot stay positive in my home when she comes home plastered when I am just getting up for work. This was a problem before, but now it's impossible for me to have a good day when it is started with me helping her into bed, picking her up off the floor, or just navigating her mood swings due to her inebriated state.
I'm only nine days sober for real and this has happened on seven of those nine so far. On Thursday night, I begged her to please just stop for a little while, to which she replied that she could give me two weeks. I was slightly insulted that that was all she was willing to do, but realized that these things have to be taken at the value of good they do, not the perceived bad. On Friday, the one day shift she has, she stayed true and when I went to walk her home after work she was sober. It strengthened my resolve, to say the least.
But this morning, she came home buzzed, waking me up in the process. I could see that she was tipsy, so I asked her if she had been drinking, and she admitted that yes, she had. I calmly told her how disappointing it was and that I wasn't sure that I could deal with it any longer.
Her response was to blast me with a litany of horrible things I have done while loaded, and I owned up to every single one. She seemed stymied by this, as I used to deny everything. Then she switched tactics, saying that she never promised anything and that she had only intended to try the two weeks once she was on a medication that requires her to abstain, one that she never mentioned previously. She actually said to me that while she knew it would hurt me, she was not going to do it for me, but rather for the meds.
I'm still at a loss. I told her that she has shown me little support, nor has she seemed to care at all about my recovery. In truth, she hasn't. If anything, I sense that she sees this as an obstacle for her drinking as she no longer has the ability to deflect issues by mentioning my problems. By the end of the conversation, she left the room and would not speak to me. I had to work, so here I am, confused and brittle. I still don't want a drink, though, I know it will only exacerbate the situation.
I know this is rambling and unfocused. I just need to vent as well as seek the advice of others that have gone through similar problems with significant others during early stage recovery. I'm not jealous of her drinking, I just want her to get healthy as well as feel like she supports my decision. It would make a world of difference if she were just positive and honest about what she is capable of, rather than constantly changing excuses. I love her very much and having her help with this would make it that much easier.
I know that this is my battle, for me. I'm doing this for myself first and foremost. I know that once I am fully assured and confident, the relationship will prosper as well because of my decision. The problem is how do I get there in the first place? Is it even possible for this to somehow work at this critical point?
Any questions, please ask. I'll clarify anything needed to get the best advice possible. Thanks.
I'm a 44 year old man who has recently admitted my problem with binge drinking and started the long road to recovery. I know that once I start drinking, I don't stop until I wind up in the hospital or jail. So I have made the decision to quit once and for all.
My problem isn't with my recovery though. I'm committed to this completely and I'm already attending non-12 step meetings locally. I'm also being interviewed in order to find a suitable therapist this week. No matter what, I will make this work. My family and friends, while most of them drink, are all fully supportive and loving about this. Many have said they are delighted that I have made this choice, as they were all worried about me.
Sounds great, right? Honestly, it is. I know how very fortunate I am to have such a network and this only makes my decision even more important. But as I have read on other threads, there is an issue that can cause many problems, one that hits as close to home as it gets...
My live-in girlfriend still drinks, fairly heavily.
She and I met while drinking, became friends over drinks and "hooked up" while drunk. After our courtship, she moved in with me and her being a bartender, it was a match made in heaven for a while. But then my mental health issues came into play, as well as hers, and the drinking became less about us partying together and became more about self-medicating and escaping each others issues. She works graveyards and drinks during every shift at work, as well as going out afterwards to drink with customers, friends and other bartenders. Sometimes she will spend 4 hours after a shift carousing, only coming home once the sun is up. We live in New Orleans, where the drinking is 24/7, so it's easy for her to do.
At first, while I was still drinking, I resented her for isolating her drinking from me, but I see now that I was doing the same thing. Being that I work days I always felt that her drinking 4 nights a week was sapping any quality time we could have as she is always sleeping it off, sometimes at 12 hour stretches.
I have asked her to please back away from drinking for a short time in order for me to gain confidence, as well as detox herself since drinking so much is having a bad impact on so many things in her life: health, relationship, etc. She has given me all of the excuses one can expect, ones that I myself have given many times before: she just likes to drink, she doesn't have a problem, it's part of her job and so on. I have been very careful to not try to control her, but I have been very clear about my support needs, as well as my boundaries and triggers. I simply cannot stay positive in my home when she comes home plastered when I am just getting up for work. This was a problem before, but now it's impossible for me to have a good day when it is started with me helping her into bed, picking her up off the floor, or just navigating her mood swings due to her inebriated state.
I'm only nine days sober for real and this has happened on seven of those nine so far. On Thursday night, I begged her to please just stop for a little while, to which she replied that she could give me two weeks. I was slightly insulted that that was all she was willing to do, but realized that these things have to be taken at the value of good they do, not the perceived bad. On Friday, the one day shift she has, she stayed true and when I went to walk her home after work she was sober. It strengthened my resolve, to say the least.
But this morning, she came home buzzed, waking me up in the process. I could see that she was tipsy, so I asked her if she had been drinking, and she admitted that yes, she had. I calmly told her how disappointing it was and that I wasn't sure that I could deal with it any longer.
Her response was to blast me with a litany of horrible things I have done while loaded, and I owned up to every single one. She seemed stymied by this, as I used to deny everything. Then she switched tactics, saying that she never promised anything and that she had only intended to try the two weeks once she was on a medication that requires her to abstain, one that she never mentioned previously. She actually said to me that while she knew it would hurt me, she was not going to do it for me, but rather for the meds.
I'm still at a loss. I told her that she has shown me little support, nor has she seemed to care at all about my recovery. In truth, she hasn't. If anything, I sense that she sees this as an obstacle for her drinking as she no longer has the ability to deflect issues by mentioning my problems. By the end of the conversation, she left the room and would not speak to me. I had to work, so here I am, confused and brittle. I still don't want a drink, though, I know it will only exacerbate the situation.
I know this is rambling and unfocused. I just need to vent as well as seek the advice of others that have gone through similar problems with significant others during early stage recovery. I'm not jealous of her drinking, I just want her to get healthy as well as feel like she supports my decision. It would make a world of difference if she were just positive and honest about what she is capable of, rather than constantly changing excuses. I love her very much and having her help with this would make it that much easier.
I know that this is my battle, for me. I'm doing this for myself first and foremost. I know that once I am fully assured and confident, the relationship will prosper as well because of my decision. The problem is how do I get there in the first place? Is it even possible for this to somehow work at this critical point?
Any questions, please ask. I'll clarify anything needed to get the best advice possible. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi star,
Recovery is a solo sport. In Al-Anon, we talk about how you don't CAUSE another person to drink; you can't CONTROL their drinking; and you can't CURE it. That goes for you and your girlfriend, too.
You can only make decisions for YOU. Getting sober is a great decision -- but you can only do it for YOU. I wouldn't dilute my focus by trying to convince her to join you. Focus on YOU, and YOUR sobriety, and if her presence in your life is interfering with you getting sober, then you need to make the decision what's more important: Getting sober or being with her.
Sounds harsh, but as you no doubt know, alcoholism is harsh. You're in the fight of your life and you can't afford to be sidetracked. That's of course just my opinion.
Recovery is a solo sport. In Al-Anon, we talk about how you don't CAUSE another person to drink; you can't CONTROL their drinking; and you can't CURE it. That goes for you and your girlfriend, too.
You can only make decisions for YOU. Getting sober is a great decision -- but you can only do it for YOU. I wouldn't dilute my focus by trying to convince her to join you. Focus on YOU, and YOUR sobriety, and if her presence in your life is interfering with you getting sober, then you need to make the decision what's more important: Getting sober or being with her.
Sounds harsh, but as you no doubt know, alcoholism is harsh. You're in the fight of your life and you can't afford to be sidetracked. That's of course just my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New Orleans, La.
Posts: 3
Hi lillamy -
Thanks for the reply. And yr right. I'm doing this for me, because I have the most to lose. My sobriety is based in a serious sense of shame over how I've acted during my binges and it powers me daily to not relapse.
Insofar as asking her to full-on quit, I didn't do that, as yr also right that I can't control her. I don't want to, honestly. But her support would help for sure.
In the end, I know that I have to make that brutally difficult decision that you mention. I guess that's where I'm at right now. Since I get out of work in a couple of hours and know that if she is home when I get there, the hammer will fall, one way or the other. I'm hoping to have experienced advice that I may be overlooking/not considering in my newly sober state.
In the end, I WILL win this fight you speak of. I want to enjoy my family and friends for a long time and they want me to be happy and healthy too. That right there keeps me centered.
Thanks for the reply. And yr right. I'm doing this for me, because I have the most to lose. My sobriety is based in a serious sense of shame over how I've acted during my binges and it powers me daily to not relapse.
Insofar as asking her to full-on quit, I didn't do that, as yr also right that I can't control her. I don't want to, honestly. But her support would help for sure.
In the end, I know that I have to make that brutally difficult decision that you mention. I guess that's where I'm at right now. Since I get out of work in a couple of hours and know that if she is home when I get there, the hammer will fall, one way or the other. I'm hoping to have experienced advice that I may be overlooking/not considering in my newly sober state.
In the end, I WILL win this fight you speak of. I want to enjoy my family and friends for a long time and they want me to be happy and healthy too. That right there keeps me centered.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Congratulations on your quit! Yes--make this all about you--you can't change her. You can find ways to deal with her drinking. Also--you can examine if this is where you truly want to be. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New Orleans, La.
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Sounds like most of the common ground in your relationship revolved around drinking. Now that you are sober the two of you might not be compatible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Star
Your story parallels mine in several ways, except my mate and I are separated. In looking back over the past 10 months, the fact that I have been successfully working a program and not had even ONE drink is a miracle.
As all these programs based on AA state, alcoholism is a spiritual problem. I hope you can connect with your higher power, where you will find hitherto unknown strength and wisdom.
Please keep coming back!
Your story parallels mine in several ways, except my mate and I are separated. In looking back over the past 10 months, the fact that I have been successfully working a program and not had even ONE drink is a miracle.
As all these programs based on AA state, alcoholism is a spiritual problem. I hope you can connect with your higher power, where you will find hitherto unknown strength and wisdom.
Please keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
hey congrats on making the decision to take your life back.
As far as the girlfriend, well there is an old saying that still rings true today.
" birds of a feather, flock together."
You may find yourself having to make some healthy choices for yourself in the near future,
again wishing you all the best on your new life choice.
Peace.
As far as the girlfriend, well there is an old saying that still rings true today.
" birds of a feather, flock together."
You may find yourself having to make some healthy choices for yourself in the near future,
again wishing you all the best on your new life choice.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
hey congrats on making the decision to take your life back.
As far as the girlfriend, well there is an old saying that still rings true today.
" birds of a feather, flock together."
You may find yourself having to make some healthy choices for yourself in the near future,
again wishing you all the best on your new life choice.
Peace.
As far as the girlfriend, well there is an old saying that still rings true today.
" birds of a feather, flock together."
You may find yourself having to make some healthy choices for yourself in the near future,
again wishing you all the best on your new life choice.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Like your name you chose. Pretty apt.
Do you really want chaos? Your drinking habits sound scary if you wind up in hospital or jail. Only 9 days sober, so you need to be focused on you.
The thing is you have made a good decision for you. But GF has her own (likely?) addiction that feels threatened by your changes and expectations of support. Even her work could be a real issue. She isn't ready to quit. You can't expect her to come to the same brilliant idea to get healthy at the same time you do.
I think you need face to face support and am glad you are getting a therapist and are going to meetings. Do you have an alternate place to crash a few days?
Do you really want chaos? Your drinking habits sound scary if you wind up in hospital or jail. Only 9 days sober, so you need to be focused on you.
The thing is you have made a good decision for you. But GF has her own (likely?) addiction that feels threatened by your changes and expectations of support. Even her work could be a real issue. She isn't ready to quit. You can't expect her to come to the same brilliant idea to get healthy at the same time you do.
I think you need face to face support and am glad you are getting a therapist and are going to meetings. Do you have an alternate place to crash a few days?
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