Even when the addiction stops, some things never change.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Even when the addiction stops, some things never change.
This is in regards to my ex-husband, not my recent ex-fiance.
My ex-husband and I separated 3 years ago. 2 years ago our divorce was final. Our daughter was 2 when he decided that instead of getting help, he wanted to live a life of prescription drug abuse. (See my pattern here?) He walked out and we didn't hear from him for 6 months. After that initial 6 months, he started going to inpatient and outpatient treatment with a few relapses in there. He was given supervised visitation to our daughter, and only after he took a drug test to be sure he wasn't using while visiting with her. I was given full sole physical custody. He was living 2 hours away, so the visits didn't take place often.
Fast forward to last year. He stopped doing drugs. He started cleaning up his act and focused on being a dad again. He's been clean for just over a year now. In July of this year, he told me that he'd give anything for us to get back together and work things out. He wanted us to be a family again and that it would be so great for our daughter. 3 years ago, that was all I ever wanted to hear. I would have given my last breath to hear him say those words.
Today, it's still the same. He wants to try working things out and the thought of that now, makes me want to vomit. The thought of ever being with this man again literally turns my stomach. I have forgiven him for some of the things that he did to me, however, I will NEVER forgive him for hurting our little girl the way he did. I will NEVER forgive him for walking away for 6 months -- basically a year because even when he was in touch, it was minimal -- and leaving me to deal with the emotional pain our daughter was in suddenly having her daddy, who she just absolutely adored, disappear completely from her life.
And, to boot.... he's not working a program. He's started many, but never finishes. He's still a selfish little boy who has zero motivation, zero responsibility and zero desire to do anything with his life. He's still lazy and unproductive. He still takes zero accountability for what happened and still blames the entire world for all the wrong in his life. He has not one friend. Not a one. I just find that odd. I've yet to meet anyone that sees themselves as the "helpless, hardly done to victim" that he thinks he is. In all reality, he's just so sickening to me. I would never say any of this in front of my daughter. For her sake, I keep a friendship with him, but it's really getting harder and harder to do. It's like he's slowly going back to how he was when he was in active addiction, but without the drugs. Initially I saw what I thought was a wonderful change for the better, but now that he knows I refuse to work things out EVER again, I see the old him coming back.
Sadly, if his history is any indicator, and if what I feel in my gut is true, I think it won't be long before he's back to using. Although he's stopped the drugs and drinking, everything else in his life is still the same and he's doing nothing to change any of it. Still the helpless victim, nothing is ever his fault, everyone is out to get him, life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah. For my daughter's sake and because he now has actual visitation, I will remain friendly so I can keep a close eye on things incase he does start up again and I need to have visitation removed, but it's getting harder and harder to deal with. I sometimes hate myself for ever loving this man and bringing a child into the situation. He's a good dad at this point, and I know he loves her with all he's worth, but I hate that I have to be the warden and secret detective worried about protecting my daughter from any slip ups. I'll never be able to trust him.
Anyway, believe me when I say that you can, and will, get over someone. We were married for 7 years and good friends for 2 before that. It still blows my mind that I ever married this man and that I loved him? I'm actually wondering now if I ever did love him or if he was just another project to try to "fix".
I realize now that all of my serious relationships were "fixer uppers". The good guys that I dated got dumped fast. I know it's good that I'm seeing this pattern now, but wow, just
I have a awful lot of work to do.
My ex-husband and I separated 3 years ago. 2 years ago our divorce was final. Our daughter was 2 when he decided that instead of getting help, he wanted to live a life of prescription drug abuse. (See my pattern here?) He walked out and we didn't hear from him for 6 months. After that initial 6 months, he started going to inpatient and outpatient treatment with a few relapses in there. He was given supervised visitation to our daughter, and only after he took a drug test to be sure he wasn't using while visiting with her. I was given full sole physical custody. He was living 2 hours away, so the visits didn't take place often.
Fast forward to last year. He stopped doing drugs. He started cleaning up his act and focused on being a dad again. He's been clean for just over a year now. In July of this year, he told me that he'd give anything for us to get back together and work things out. He wanted us to be a family again and that it would be so great for our daughter. 3 years ago, that was all I ever wanted to hear. I would have given my last breath to hear him say those words.
Today, it's still the same. He wants to try working things out and the thought of that now, makes me want to vomit. The thought of ever being with this man again literally turns my stomach. I have forgiven him for some of the things that he did to me, however, I will NEVER forgive him for hurting our little girl the way he did. I will NEVER forgive him for walking away for 6 months -- basically a year because even when he was in touch, it was minimal -- and leaving me to deal with the emotional pain our daughter was in suddenly having her daddy, who she just absolutely adored, disappear completely from her life.
And, to boot.... he's not working a program. He's started many, but never finishes. He's still a selfish little boy who has zero motivation, zero responsibility and zero desire to do anything with his life. He's still lazy and unproductive. He still takes zero accountability for what happened and still blames the entire world for all the wrong in his life. He has not one friend. Not a one. I just find that odd. I've yet to meet anyone that sees themselves as the "helpless, hardly done to victim" that he thinks he is. In all reality, he's just so sickening to me. I would never say any of this in front of my daughter. For her sake, I keep a friendship with him, but it's really getting harder and harder to do. It's like he's slowly going back to how he was when he was in active addiction, but without the drugs. Initially I saw what I thought was a wonderful change for the better, but now that he knows I refuse to work things out EVER again, I see the old him coming back.
Sadly, if his history is any indicator, and if what I feel in my gut is true, I think it won't be long before he's back to using. Although he's stopped the drugs and drinking, everything else in his life is still the same and he's doing nothing to change any of it. Still the helpless victim, nothing is ever his fault, everyone is out to get him, life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah. For my daughter's sake and because he now has actual visitation, I will remain friendly so I can keep a close eye on things incase he does start up again and I need to have visitation removed, but it's getting harder and harder to deal with. I sometimes hate myself for ever loving this man and bringing a child into the situation. He's a good dad at this point, and I know he loves her with all he's worth, but I hate that I have to be the warden and secret detective worried about protecting my daughter from any slip ups. I'll never be able to trust him.
Anyway, believe me when I say that you can, and will, get over someone. We were married for 7 years and good friends for 2 before that. It still blows my mind that I ever married this man and that I loved him? I'm actually wondering now if I ever did love him or if he was just another project to try to "fix".
I realize now that all of my serious relationships were "fixer uppers". The good guys that I dated got dumped fast. I know it's good that I'm seeing this pattern now, but wow, just
I have a awful lot of work to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm right there with you. At least the work we put into ourselves is going to achieve a positive result and not just waste our time and energy.
I saw an ad in the paper the other day for a home for sale. "Some fire damage, fixer-upper, handyman's special." It made me think of many of my past relationship choices. "Lots of damage, fixer upper, Codie's specials" were right up my alley. Normie guys "weren't my type" because I was such a mess myself.
No more fixer uppers for me!
I saw an ad in the paper the other day for a home for sale. "Some fire damage, fixer-upper, handyman's special." It made me think of many of my past relationship choices. "Lots of damage, fixer upper, Codie's specials" were right up my alley. Normie guys "weren't my type" because I was such a mess myself.
No more fixer uppers for me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
LOL..agreed! My new house must have a firm, solid, sound foundation and absolutely no structural damage when I get ready to purchase again!! However, I think I have a long way to go before I ever rid myself of the fear of taking out another mortgage anytime soon. I'm not even ready to rent at this time...probably not for a veeery looong time.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi flippedRhalo and thanks for your post. I guess I related to this in the way of thinking that as I often read on here just removing the alcohol from a situation or person as the case may be doesn't necessarily change who or what a person fundamentally is and the attitude/issues/personality traits etc.
This is one of many things I have and still do HUGELY struggle with- the thoughts that if he could be sober it would all be roses and I remember the good times probably too much when I should think about all the abusive and terrible behaviours that might not necessarily just vaporise if alcohol was removed from the equation.
I hope in time I can be more positive and find strength like yours to get over it and move on and not want to go back.
Thank You
This is one of many things I have and still do HUGELY struggle with- the thoughts that if he could be sober it would all be roses and I remember the good times probably too much when I should think about all the abusive and terrible behaviours that might not necessarily just vaporise if alcohol was removed from the equation.
I hope in time I can be more positive and find strength like yours to get over it and move on and not want to go back.
Thank You
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 17
I feel you... all of mine have been "fixer uppers" too. If they weren't broken and in need of someone to love them and take care of them and believe in them, I didn't want them. Then I found the biggest loser of them all and married him. Go me. lol And you. My story is freaky similar to yours but my STBXRAH hasn't come around to play daddy very much yet. The good side of this is that we now know what we don't want and that we deserve so much better.
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