Irnldy001

I have been struggling so hard. I had the Christmas holiday, where I just 'knew' that if I had the time and space I could stop. Last night was my most valiant effort, that ended finally at close to 3am when I couldn't take it anymore and just needed to get to sleep.

I guess it doesn't matter what type of alcoholic I am. But to generalize myself, I will say that I usually strictly use it as a means to go to sleep. Along with pills that no longer work. I am aware it's a toxic combination and that it all has to go. But I need the alcohol to go first. I will say that for a number of years I was a wine drinker - drank in the evening after kids in bed. Got up to a bottle a night. Went to work the next day. For about 4 years. I had a 30 day period of sobriety last year. It ended because I thought I was now 'in control' of it. I wasn't. I slipped back into the pattern so quickly it was like I never left. Then I started to worry about all the calories in the wine. So I switched to shots of gin. This was this past summer. At first I thought I was brilliant. I required far less gin than wine for obvious reasons. Now I find it takes six shots. I don't crave it that I know of, I just know it's the only way I'm getting to bed. It turns out that stopping the wine was easier than the gin. I don't like drinking, I don't look forward to it, I don't need it in the day or evening.

I am a lifelong insomniac which brings panic attacks if unmedicated. Last night I said - I am willing to not sleep tonight, it's ok. I have my panic pills. SO I stayed up, watched a chef show, didn't panic, didn't sleep. And then the thought of not sleeping took over and just shattered me. I wasted the Christmas break. I need to not drink tonight. And every night after that. I need help. I work in education, and this can't come out - would shatter my career.

Once I've done it, I go to sleep, and then have a horrible time waking up. It takes a lot. And I feel groggy dropping kids off. And I worry what might happen if they ever truly needed me in the night.

Anyone, help?

ScottFromWI

My guess is that the alcohol is actually making things worse and counteracting the intended effects of your meds to boot. Towards the end of my drinking my panic and anxiety was through the roof.

Is the doctor that prescribed your insomnia meds aware of the extent of your drinking? If not I would let them know.

As far as not drinking tonight, perhaps you could stay actively engaged here on SR or maybe even attend an AA or NA meeting? It's very helpful to be around others in the same boat, especially early on.

Irnldy001

Thank you for your reply. My doctor has no idea.

ScottFromWI

You may want to give him/her a call. The problem cannot be fixed unless it is known. It is completely confidential as well so don't let that hold you back. Most of us have underlying issues to our alcohol problem, and simply stopping the drinking is not always a cure. But it certainly helps, and it's also nearly impossible to fix the other things while actively drinking.

VikingGF

Hi, and welcome to SR! It sound to me like you need to come clean with your MD, so they can help you get off the alcohol safely and help you with your sleep disorder properly. I am sorry you are going through such difficulty. You are in a good place, though, it is imperative that you consider stopping the drinking. It brings no good to anyone.

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR Irnldy i agree its the best option being honest with the doc about this and i know this is scary with your career and all but know that youl find a lot of support here it wont happen overnight but it will get better with work towards your recovery

ive had sleep problems my entire life too i dont say that lightly but with sober time it gets a lot better

stick around SR read threads interact & post it will really help if you need to talk there are ppl here 24h a day

you can do this & i would talk with the doc again & explain

good luck

Kero

Did you sleep better when you were sober for 30 days? I know I have terrible insomnia the first few days after getting sober. I stopped new years eve and just got some sleep last night. Once I get past the withdrawal, my insomnia usually gets a lot better. I was sleeping well the time I was sober 30 days.

I've had insomnia my whole life and it is horrible. I can relate. Still, alcohol does not help you sleep. It makes you pass out. You'll feel worse hungover then going on no sleep most times.

Hevyn

Hi Irnldy. It's great to have you with us. I hope you'll continue to read and post - we're always here for you 24/7.

Irnldy001

Thank you
The funny thing is, I remember being exhausted through my first two weeks of being clean. I think I slept. But for some reason something appears to have changed. I was practicing the same behaviour these last two weeks - not drinking through the evening, taking meds at 10:30/11:00 and then going to sleep. Normal. I loved that normal feeling. But now, even pushing off the meds until later, I still can't sleep. So this time it's definitely different. I know I have to talk to the doctor. I need to see if he can take me off work to get me to a rehab without letting work know the real reason. I know I must come off all of it, but I've been building this 'cocktail' for years and I can't unwind it all myself safely. I need to give myself over to someone else for a time. I have never thought I needed rehab before, because I am so functional during the day and evening, but this pattern is unending.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Irnldy.

I agree that a call to or a visit with your doctor to explain your drinking would be best.

(P.S. - there is nothing quite like true sober sleep; you will get there).

Irnldy001

In the meantime headed to my first AA meeting in a year. Thanks for the welcome. When my doctors office opens tomorrow I'll be calling for the first available appointment.

Soberwolf

Awesome news irnldy and you have 110% support here with us let us know how it goes

AA mtns are a good idea also

congrats my friend

Lancashire

Welcome to SR

Irnldy001

Back from AA. I went to the same one that I went to the first time I tried to quit. Saw lots of old faces who seemed relieved to see me. It's a good first step and I'll be at the other group tomorrow that I used to go to.
Thanks for the support. Now to get through the night.

Soberwolf

Well done irnldy so glad you went bk good luck at docs tomorrow and glad your going to another mtn tomorrow

Irnldy001

I MADE IT. I am now more than 24 hours drink free. Long night, but I did go to bed near 3. Up at 7. Feel more refreshed than I did had I slept 8 hours boozed up. Can't believe it. I'll stay up late watching the Americans again tonight, and more AA! Here comes my day. Sober. No diarrhea. Thanks for the words all. Calling the dr when he opens.

ScottFromWI

Great news! I hope you can find the answers you need with your doc as well, just be honest. When I told my doctor she already knew, or at least suspected it.

SoberLeigh

Glad to hear this, Irnlady.

Hope that it goes well with the dr.

Irnldy001

AA tonight at 8 . Then I tough out night two. Doctor's appt on Thursday. I can get to there. I felt better on a few hours sober sleep than I have in forever. Grateful.