freetosmile

I was reading another thread about talking to their son about divorce and I got to wondering if I did the right thing.

I spoke to my (his bio) 13 year old son yesterday. He wanted to know how his dad was doing. Not like the "is he happy?" doing, but more of the "is he getting better?" doing.

Ha! This was yesterday when I learned AH is apparently selling his soul to the devil or something (making himself his HP).

I was straight with him. I told him that I really didn't see any progress what so ever,but that we were not going to give up hope.

He got furious. He started yelling, "why does he always have to do this crap? Sister and I don't want to live with him!" Obviously, he knows that I'm real close to leaving his dad and he knows what follows after that.

" Well I don't feel comfortable leaving you with you dad," I said calmly and as gently as I could.

"We don't feel comfortable with it either!" he shouted.

I told him we needed a plan. That he, his sister, and I needed to talk about this. It doesn't involve MY bio kids, so I just let them out of it.

I reaffirmed that we were NOT giving up hope, nothing was happening that day, and to just relax.

These kids know how controlling AH is to me. They know he thinks I am having affairs all over the place. They know AH is not good with feelings and how dysfunctional he is right now ( and has been for a while). I don't want to give these kids a false hope that dad is working the steps and doing great, but should I have told him dad is making NO progress?

Once again, you go ahead a make yourself your HP and turn to satan. Good on ya! I'll deal with our kids, their feelings, and everything else. Geesh!

LexieCat

free, you GOTTA get some legal advice somehow. Google "temporary child guardianship."

I know contacting CPS is a last resort, but they want to act in the best interests of the kids. It sounds to me like their well-being is in danger if they stay with their dad. It isn't like they just want to stay with you because you're more "fun," or because Dad's a disciplinarian and you're the "easy" one. He is an alcoholic, abusive, and probably mentally ill.

Pray on it.

freetosmile

Yes, you are RIGHT. I do just need to get some legal advice on this. I really really do hate CPS. Especially here in NE. The only thing they really seem to know about dysfunction is what they have read in a text book at college. Working in community health for a couple years brought me to see some real decent families torn apart by their bullying.

Tomorrow I will see what advice I can get. I hate planning to take his kids away while he's at treatment..but damn...what other choice is he leaving us?

lizatola

Legal advice is always free for a first time consult. You may not need to go to CPS. Talking to a lawyer first could just be a first step for you.

I'm assuming you were referring to my thread. My son gets along well enough with his father for now. AH has been on his best behavior and is trying to repair things with our son. It may not last long but I'm hoping it lasts long enough to get us through the divorce process peacefully. Your situation is different because your son is making it clear that he doesn't like the way things are.

Just take it one step at a time. You can do this, for you, and for the kids.

Hammer

Alateen?

You know Who, What, When, Where?

Fandy

I was really concerned when you mentioned yesterday that the only heat you have is from space heaters...this is not safe at all, especially with kids.

I hope you can get some financial assistance for repair of your pellet stove or better heating source.

I hope you contact someone who can advise you and get you financial assistance for all the kids.

freetosmile

Thanks for this... yes, I was referring to your post. I WILL be jumping on the extreme proactive ship come tomorrow, in reference to his kids. I have made up my mind about this.

My real question here is , should I have spoke with my son straight on the condition of his dad? Should I have not told him I saw NO progress? How could I have handled this differently, or did I do the right thing?

freetosmile

No ala-teen here, but there is some online meetings. I WILL get on this as well.

LexieCat

I think you did do the right thing. He's old enough to understand, and your only choices were to lie to him or to avoid the question. His dad is sick, and you weren't painting him as evil, but rather as the sick man that he is.

Hammer

Looks like you have a pretty good State Alanon Website, with full meeting lists.

Maybe contact some of them, and see what they recommend?

freetosmile

Well to put your mind at ease, these space heaters are very safe. They turn off if tipped and all that jazz. I have spent many a nights concerned about this very thing, but I watch it very closely.

I spent two grand on this pellet stove. It's wonderful. It's a long story that I won't get into, but I am having a new one shipped out. Perhaps I'm making it sound worse than it is. We are just all packed like sardines in the living room where it's nice and warm until the new pellet stove arrives. When I say I live out in the country...I really mean it. The only alternative is to try to buy a propane tank and have it filled and hooked up. No can do.

I'm getting all the assistance I can. There is food in the house, all the bills are paid right now... it's not that bad. It's ok, fandy. But when my AH is turning to satanism while we all pack in the living room and make all these sacrifices... yes I get mad about it all.

Really it's ok. I envision you all stilling there thinking of us all shivering and dying of pneumonia or something. No, we're ok. Pellet stove is economical, better for the environment, and cheaper than propane.

we are ok. calm yourself mom! I'm watching the space heaters like a hawk. I really do appreciate the concern and things are going to get better financially here very soon. The sacrifice to put A through treatment while I'm not working has been hard on us.

LexieCat

LOL, I'd avoid mentioning the satanism thing when you talk to the kids.

freetosmile

I will for sure! Yes, there are lots and lots of meetings over on the eastern side of the state....but I can't even go to al-anon here anymore. I don't know what the deal it. I WILL call and check this out.

We all are hurting and I am starting to see more of this come out in the kids.

dandylion

freetosmile....I don't know how many churches are in your area, either...but, you might check for any support groups for kids that are sponsored through the churches....


I think you handled the situation with your son just fine. bottom line, of course...you can't lie to them--even when the news isn't great. You are the one adult that they can trust. trust is very important for these kids....


dandylion