safeandsound

I'm wondering why I drank over the holidays. I think it's because I had already messed up before (briefly) and due to family pressure--I was with a group of heavy drinkers and alcoholics away from home for over a week.

But a deeper reason is more troubling, and that is that when I had nearly 3 months, I felt better than I ever had in my life. But I have a lifelong need to be self-destructive. Also to mess things up just when (because?) they are going well. It's like I think I don't deserve to feel good. I am more comfortable being the f---up because that's who I've always been. This is insane thinking on my part, but how do I get rid of it?

Does anyone else have experience with this? This is not the first time it has happened since I joined SR.

enfinthechange

its not you wanting to be a f up, its the Addicitve Voice crap telling you you need to be a f up so it gets fed... kill of that little git and you will no longer self destruct! You obviously want to be a sober person, and have done brilliantly... but I guess it needs vigilance at all times... I am no expert, maybe others can help more. ANd I totally do the same thing too... self destruct button always near.... hope I can kill the AV off for longlasting success!

least

I used to wonder why I would constantly sabotage my sobriety. Then I just got so sick of it that I didn't care 'why' I did it, I just wanted to stop doing it. I got so sick of it that I finally took drinking off the list of options. No matter what. And that was five years ago and I'm happily sober ever since.

Soberwolf

Hi Safe&Sound have you considered councelling in your recovery plan as you are worth it but it needs to be you that sees it

in the 3 months you felt better than you ever have in your life thats massive and you should recognise this as the way forward

drinking is knowingly walking down a dead end street ... your going to have walk bk up

heres the thing if you were driving you would never purposely drive down a dead end road if you didnt have to would you ...why ? cos you got to drive bk up and you just wouldnt do it

think of alcohol like this and also its a downward spiral cycle it just keeps getting worse

it just aint worth dying over or losing everything we have ever loved

i would suggest group therapy & councelling GT really helped me i learnt loads inc meditation

ANewDayNYC

Self-sabotaging may be a way for addiction to get its way. It could also potentially be a self-esteem issue. I think raising awareness to your behavior is a good start. I had a self-esteem book that talked it: “Some people do not build self-esteem because they don’t know how, but others resist building self-esteem (as difficult as it is to believe) because there are apparent advantages to self-dislike”.
---------------------------------------------
Advantages of Self-Dislike:
-No risk. I have no expectations of myself. I can be lazy and set low goals.
-The world is predictable. I understand when people don’t accept me because I don’t accept myself. I understand not having to try.
-Sometimes I would get pity and attention (atleast initially) or Self-dislike is the family pattern. When I follow the pattern I fit in.
---------------------------------------------
Disadvantages of Self-Dislike:
-It is very painful
-Life is no fun
-It creates a vicious cycle. Because I have a low opinion of myself, I don’t try. Then others treat me poorly. They interpret my pessimism and apathy as indicators of incompetence. Their poor treatment confirms my low opinion of myself.
---------------------------------------------
Benefits of Emotional Change:
-I’d be less susceptible to persuasion
-I’d be less driven by fear and more motivated by enjoyment and personal satisfaction
-I’d be happier and try/risk more
-I’d be more at ease with my rough edges and be willing to work on them
-I’d worry less and be happier in my relationships and stick with people who are worth it
-I’d be considered more attractive
-I’d enjoy life more and make better, more objective decisions
-I’d feel liked for who I am (not some phony person I wish I were)
---------------------------------------------
This is the full book -
http://www.amazon.com/The-Self-Estee.../dp/1572242523

Serenidad

Yes Safe and Sound! I totally relate! I was told by my mother for years (my entire childhood) that I wasn't good enough & was a piece of crap. When I was drinking I was self-destructing and I also feel like I was doing it on purpose. I had so much self-hatred and the more I drank the more I hated myself and then the more I drank and around and around and around.

THEN one night as I was crying and vomiting outside of a bar I asked God to help me. If I couldn't get out of the hellish grips of alcoholism I wanted to die. I went to AA and asked for help. I just cried and told a bunch of complete strangers in the meeting exactly how I felt. They told me they would love me until I could love myself. They hugged me, talked to me, called me, texted me and are supporting me.

That is what is helping me right now. I finally found a place that I feel people love me unconditionally. It's almost like they are the family I never had but always wanted. I feel the same way about people on SR.

Another thing I do is when things in my life get TOO good I sabotage it because I am afraid I will lose it anyway. Now I am trying to just trust God (my high power) and stay in the moment...stay where my feet are. It's really helping.

The BIGGEST thing that is helping me is not drinking. You can do this! You ARE worthy of happiness and sobriety! :-)

Rina

Yes, I can totally relate! I've been self sabotaging for many many years. I thnk it's where I am comfortable but by doing the little things to work towards a better life I am slowly changing. I'm still more fearful than not though. We have to hang in there and keep realistic expectations.

Spacegoat

Yes man I relate to this, big time. Many times I have had some really good things going and I manage to F them up. And there is always alcohol involved, yet I wonder too if it goes deeper than that.

I think that it does but I'm not so sure what, very interesting what NYC posted but I don't think its that, it wouldn't make sense as anything good I've had going I've had to work to get their first.

I don't have an answer for you but I'm subscribing to this thread, theres something in what you said that I have been wondering also.

All the best bud

Gottalife

Part of "The Doctors Opinion" in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, talks about exactly this situation. Everything going well and the alcoholic drinks and pulls the whole house of cards down on himself. He states that the solution is a complete psychic change. A change in outlook, ideas and values sufficient to overcome alcoholism. How to get this change is the question.

advbike

A lot of excellent advice and comments here. You basically have to remove the addiction first, before recovery can begin, where you address all the other stuff. In my case there was lots of other stuff, and therapy helped me understand my behavior. But many people find that working the steps also works, and helps to bring awareness and change the unhealthy behaviors.

strategery

Safeandsound-can you identify why you picked up that first drink after almost 3 months of sobriety? AV is sneaky. If you can identify what led you to picking up that first drink and what voices were going through your head, you can address it and prevent yourself picking up a drink next time since you can call your AV on it.

OklaBH

I dont know what kind of program you are working. I would talk to a councelor /addiction specialist. Just because we remove the alcohol doesnt mean that the other junk goes away.

Anna

I definitely self-sabotaged and it took me awhile to figure it out. Like you, I became anxious when things were going well. I didn't know how to deal with that. Failing, sure, I knew the routine.

Self-sabotage is a cycle that will destroy you if you let it. I needed to step out of the cycle and believe deep-down that I deserved a good life. Everyone does.

Serenidad

I LOVE your "dead end street" analogy Wolf!

AllNew

I can totally relate to this! I also get very anxious when things are going well and have to mess it all up so that I can feel bad/get treated badly again, where I apparently feel most comfortable. This has involved alcohol but also happened before I drank at all. I always felt like such a freak for having this tendency - I am grateful to hear stories of others, and to know that there may be hope to break this sad cycle. I know my life can be so great if I can just lose the incredible fear of letting it happen. I hope that you can do the same!

JanieJ

Safeandsound,

I can relate to the that, I still have self- sabotaging behaviours and I'm sober nearly three months.
Like Serenidad, I also had parents who told me I was worthless. That's a very deeply ingrained thing.

I'm going to my first counselling session next week though, hope I can get to the bottom of it this time.

I've also just started working the steps.

You can do this, stay close to us

safeandsound

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful and really helpful posts. A New Day--I will check out that book. And I too loved the dead end analogy, soberwolf. Thinking of it as my AV will help me stay sober, then maybe I can get some counselling later (as others said, seems to be a combination of evil AV and my own low self-esteem). For now it's back to one day at a time.

It really helps to hear that others identify. Thanks again.

KarenSmith

safe and sound, You went THREE MONTHS without drinking! Don't underestimate that accomplishment for a second. I have made it between 4-6 weeks two time. Right now I am on day 2, and although it's not much I have the experience of sobriety to fall back on and it is easier every time I quit.

Regarding being self destructive, I think all of us that have problems with alcohol are self destructive. Why else would we throw away our lives, families, careers? Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are on the right path.

mns1

I think when things don't go our way long enough we begin to just accept that that is all we will ever deserve in life, that we aren't meant to have it good like so many people around us.

You don't have to let anything in your past define how the rest of your life plays out. How about your three months of sobriety and how great that felt? You did that and you deserved to feel that way. Let that guide you. Learn from your mistakes and build on your successes.

There are so many good comments on here. Listen to what all of these people are saying!