Boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus OH
Posts: 18
Boundaries
Happy New Year!
Things have been going well for me. I am grateful to everyone here on SR for the support in the past months.
I think I'm following guidance from my Higher Power, but wanted a gut check. I also want to make sure I'm not being co-dependent.
I was recently contacted by the child of my XABF. This person is now age 20, and is experiencing some bad situations at home with Mom, who is bi-polar. We'll call him "M". It's been really tough at home with Mom (XABF's ex-wife); and Dad (the XABF) has swept issues under the rug. M is a fulltime college student with a full scholarship (very talented!!!).
To further complicate things, Dad has a former girlfriend living with him. I don't care, except M was sexually abused by the girlfriend's son when they were 6 and 12, and only recently revealed it a couple years ago. The girlfriend never apologized, and even denied that it could have happened until a couple months ago. To top things off, M is upset that Dad and the new GF are drinking together, but admits that it's beyond his control (very healthy). I am proud of M for standing up to Dad and saying, "I don't feel comfortable visiting you in your home. If you want to go out for a pizza without your GF, that's okay (which they did)."
M is brilliant, but has some mild autism/Asperger's Syndrome (like one of my own biological children). M ended up staying with me for two weeks over the holidays. I researched support agencies, even drove him to a meeting (where the social worker said what I'm doing is a blessing). We bought M some much needed clothing. I helped him fill out job applications and to write a resume'. I don't know what the future holds for M. I was thanked for being there when no one else has been, and even told I was like the responsible parent that he'd always wanted.
The XABF doesn't know about the contact, and M's asked me to not say anything. Since I'm no-contact with his Dad, it's likely a non-issue; tho' Dad might be livid if he finds out. I don't think he'd do anything other than read me the riot act--from which I can walk away. M is an adult, and can make his own decisions.
I was almost M's stepmom, and have known him for seven years. It hurts to care about M's well being, but it hurts more to NOT care. M is home with Mom now, and I'm a resource if things become heated. We even discussed ways to respond to Mom's critical judgments. I stopped short of agreeing to find a place to rent together, saying it wasn't feasible for me right now. I was thanked for providing hope and was told that the new communication skills at home seem to be helping.
My Mom and four adult kids have expressed support for the friendship.
So, as stated above, I THINK I'm holding good boundaries and keeping my side of the street clean. If I were doing this to manipulate Dad, I'd certainly deserve a lecture; but I am no contact. Thoughts? Let me have it if you think I'm off track.
Things have been going well for me. I am grateful to everyone here on SR for the support in the past months.
I think I'm following guidance from my Higher Power, but wanted a gut check. I also want to make sure I'm not being co-dependent.
I was recently contacted by the child of my XABF. This person is now age 20, and is experiencing some bad situations at home with Mom, who is bi-polar. We'll call him "M". It's been really tough at home with Mom (XABF's ex-wife); and Dad (the XABF) has swept issues under the rug. M is a fulltime college student with a full scholarship (very talented!!!).
To further complicate things, Dad has a former girlfriend living with him. I don't care, except M was sexually abused by the girlfriend's son when they were 6 and 12, and only recently revealed it a couple years ago. The girlfriend never apologized, and even denied that it could have happened until a couple months ago. To top things off, M is upset that Dad and the new GF are drinking together, but admits that it's beyond his control (very healthy). I am proud of M for standing up to Dad and saying, "I don't feel comfortable visiting you in your home. If you want to go out for a pizza without your GF, that's okay (which they did)."
M is brilliant, but has some mild autism/Asperger's Syndrome (like one of my own biological children). M ended up staying with me for two weeks over the holidays. I researched support agencies, even drove him to a meeting (where the social worker said what I'm doing is a blessing). We bought M some much needed clothing. I helped him fill out job applications and to write a resume'. I don't know what the future holds for M. I was thanked for being there when no one else has been, and even told I was like the responsible parent that he'd always wanted.
The XABF doesn't know about the contact, and M's asked me to not say anything. Since I'm no-contact with his Dad, it's likely a non-issue; tho' Dad might be livid if he finds out. I don't think he'd do anything other than read me the riot act--from which I can walk away. M is an adult, and can make his own decisions.
I was almost M's stepmom, and have known him for seven years. It hurts to care about M's well being, but it hurts more to NOT care. M is home with Mom now, and I'm a resource if things become heated. We even discussed ways to respond to Mom's critical judgments. I stopped short of agreeing to find a place to rent together, saying it wasn't feasible for me right now. I was thanked for providing hope and was told that the new communication skills at home seem to be helping.
My Mom and four adult kids have expressed support for the friendship.
So, as stated above, I THINK I'm holding good boundaries and keeping my side of the street clean. If I were doing this to manipulate Dad, I'd certainly deserve a lecture; but I am no contact. Thoughts? Let me have it if you think I'm off track.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I don't think you are fishing for compliments, I think you are going with what your gut says is right.
That being said, I think as long as we remember we can't cure/change/control the issue, it's okay.
I have a niece who has dealt with a bio-dad (he was never a dad) A, a mother-figure who died of an OD last year, and then there's me. I'm the RA and recovering codie. She thrives on my experience and I can't believe this is a bad thing.
Take care of you, do what you can do with the 3 C's in mind.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
That being said, I think as long as we remember we can't cure/change/control the issue, it's okay.
I have a niece who has dealt with a bio-dad (he was never a dad) A, a mother-figure who died of an OD last year, and then there's me. I'm the RA and recovering codie. She thrives on my experience and I can't believe this is a bad thing.
Take care of you, do what you can do with the 3 C's in mind.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
This looks to be a bomb to me and some serious codependent behavior.
- You have no relation to this person who has A LOT of problems and issues
- This is the child of your XABF who would be livid if he knew you were in contact. While you can walk away, WHY would you reopen that can of worms? This is HIS child.
- You have volunteered to be the go to if he has issues with his mother. Mother has issues beyond what you can solve or help with.
- He is talking about the two of you moving in together? Oh my.
Hey I get wanting to help, and I am not advising not to care. I think you may have opened yourself up to more than what you really may want to take on. You can't solve these problems for him, but you can certainly diminish your quality of life and sanity (and pocket book) trying to.
I'd stay on my side of the street happy be an ear to bend here and there beyond that - I'd not get involved.
- You have no relation to this person who has A LOT of problems and issues
- This is the child of your XABF who would be livid if he knew you were in contact. While you can walk away, WHY would you reopen that can of worms? This is HIS child.
- You have volunteered to be the go to if he has issues with his mother. Mother has issues beyond what you can solve or help with.
- He is talking about the two of you moving in together? Oh my.
Hey I get wanting to help, and I am not advising not to care. I think you may have opened yourself up to more than what you really may want to take on. You can't solve these problems for him, but you can certainly diminish your quality of life and sanity (and pocket book) trying to.
I'd stay on my side of the street happy be an ear to bend here and there beyond that - I'd not get involved.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
The kid is 20 so who gives a damn if dad gets upset? If he was 10 or 12, then ok. But 20 is an adult and totally allowed to make his own decisions. I do agree that wanting to move in together is over the line, but with the Asperger's you're likely to get some odd behavior. I'd just chalk that up to the Aspie talking and not think about it anymore. I think what you've done is admirable. You gave him some good life lessons that he wouldn't have gotten otherwise (the job applications and resume). I don't see any lines having been crossed. Yet. As long as you keep an arm's length between you, I think you'll be ok. I wish I had had someone in my life like you when I was 20 (or even 13, as he was when you first met him). It could have changed a whole lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus OH
Posts: 18
Thanks for the views.
I did halt the moving in suggestion. I have roomies who were fine with him staying a few days, but not long-term. We looked at some apartment ads, and I pointed out that anything would be three times what I'm paying now, and we'd both be on the street in short order. That effectively ended that line of thinking.
The social service agency included a support group. He'll be going to meetings on his own now at his campus. I also suggested Alanon, ACOA, etc.
The clothes were from thrift stores. I spent less than $40, but we got things like a winter coat, gloves, and snow boots.
He's been back home for five days, and reports are good so far. We've communicated via IM or phone a couple times.
Mom was fine with him being here for a bit. It gave her a break. He's reduced seeing Dad to just holidays and birthdays now. I DO see how the continued contact could be bad if it becomes too frequent, long, imposing, or expen$ive. I work two jobs and this was over the break when I was off a few days, so our hang-outs will be limited because I'll simply not be available all that much. I wanted supports in place before I wasn't available. I think I've done that.
I can't fix this for him, but I can point him at resources. At least he's making some friends outside of me now and developing a support group.
I will definitely take everyone's suggestions to heart. Thank you.
I did halt the moving in suggestion. I have roomies who were fine with him staying a few days, but not long-term. We looked at some apartment ads, and I pointed out that anything would be three times what I'm paying now, and we'd both be on the street in short order. That effectively ended that line of thinking.
The social service agency included a support group. He'll be going to meetings on his own now at his campus. I also suggested Alanon, ACOA, etc.
The clothes were from thrift stores. I spent less than $40, but we got things like a winter coat, gloves, and snow boots.
He's been back home for five days, and reports are good so far. We've communicated via IM or phone a couple times.
Mom was fine with him being here for a bit. It gave her a break. He's reduced seeing Dad to just holidays and birthdays now. I DO see how the continued contact could be bad if it becomes too frequent, long, imposing, or expen$ive. I work two jobs and this was over the break when I was off a few days, so our hang-outs will be limited because I'll simply not be available all that much. I wanted supports in place before I wasn't available. I think I've done that.
I can't fix this for him, but I can point him at resources. At least he's making some friends outside of me now and developing a support group.
I will definitely take everyone's suggestions to heart. Thank you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's awesome, personally. I got a call a couple of years ago from the adult son of my last ex (not an alcoholic), whom I haven't spoken with in almost ten years. He'd gotten into a potential legal scrape, and he thought I was trustworthy and wanted some advice. Though I made sure he understood I wasn't giving him "legal advice" (I'm a lawyer), I helped him talk it through and I gave him a few suggestions. He was very grateful. I've never heard from him since.
Same thing, he was a nice young man whom I once thought might be a stepson. I had ZERO interest in ever seeing/speaking to his father again, but it made me feel good to help him with his problem. It didn't cost me anything, and it meant a lot to him.
Keep those good boundaries in place, but I think it's terrific that he can turn to you for help.
Same thing, he was a nice young man whom I once thought might be a stepson. I had ZERO interest in ever seeing/speaking to his father again, but it made me feel good to help him with his problem. It didn't cost me anything, and it meant a lot to him.
Keep those good boundaries in place, but I think it's terrific that he can turn to you for help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus OH
Posts: 18
Thank you, LexieCat. And what you did for the ex's son was wonderful! I always appreciate your posts on other threads. You seem to have a wise and balanced recovery and life.
I'm the director of a child care center, and professional children's entertainer, so it's "all kids all the time" in my careers. I've acted as temporary surrogate to a few teens (my kids' friends) over the years. At least I'm not a newbie at this.
I wish I'd had someone at that age too. A solid role model may have helped me avoid some pitfalls.
I'm the director of a child care center, and professional children's entertainer, so it's "all kids all the time" in my careers. I've acted as temporary surrogate to a few teens (my kids' friends) over the years. At least I'm not a newbie at this.
I wish I'd had someone at that age too. A solid role model may have helped me avoid some pitfalls.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I think evey child, even at 20, could use a hand when it comes to sorting things out caused by the abuses of their caregivers. I would just be careful to set real boundaries even with him. Even if he is not an active addict of some sort, it is still important to be mindful of your own needs... where your needs end and his start; before you know it, it could turn into an enabling situation. I hope you can find where the line is to draw and let him also make his own choices. For instance, moving out of his living situation is his responsibility. It will help him grow, I think.
But being there is admirable, nonetheless.
But being there is admirable, nonetheless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Your story and willingness to help warms my heart.
I think "codependency" is only an issue if we are insulating someone from consequences of their own choices, especially if they result from addictions.
This young man is working hard, and you gave him a little help. God bless you for it!
I think "codependency" is only an issue if we are insulating someone from consequences of their own choices, especially if they result from addictions.
This young man is working hard, and you gave him a little help. God bless you for it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
The help you gave him will allow him to go forward without you. The sick aspect of codependency arises when it (unconsciously) becomes a manipulative way of making someone dependent on you - which you are clearly not doing.
People with Aspergers struggle with boundaries through no fault of their own; all the 'Aspies' I know are earnestly working hard to get on in a world which makes no sense to them, and I have a great deal of regard for them. As long as you're taking care of you, and continue to do so no matter what - I think you'll be fine.
People with Aspergers struggle with boundaries through no fault of their own; all the 'Aspies' I know are earnestly working hard to get on in a world which makes no sense to them, and I have a great deal of regard for them. As long as you're taking care of you, and continue to do so no matter what - I think you'll be fine.
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