Why am i surprised
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Why am i surprised
met a nice guy attractive sweet funny this that etc and wait for it then the red flags popped up and he did the disappearing act when we were meant to have a date ... and then I find out he's a huge drug user... It took me two days to work it out and boy am I glad I did but it is hard to pick it from the get go... So glad I can chop him out of my life and not waste another second on him... It's a black hole... I know this all too well ... But I was almost fooled and am very angry at myself for wasting energy on him.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
killerinstinct - YAY for you on recognizing the red flags so soon!
I've been drawn to guys with issues for quite a while, but am thankful to the people here that have taught me to recognize the red flags sooner than I used to.
Progress, not perfection.
SteveyEire - I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codependent. I turned to drugs to "deal with" the A's in my life.
It's only thanks to the great people here that I've realized it's all about ME!! No one is saying he's a waste of time. However, if someone shows signs that they are totally self-focused, then we have to think what is best for us. Trust me, the people who love me never thought I was a waste of time, but they DID have to take care of themselves first, just as I had to do with the A's in my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I've been drawn to guys with issues for quite a while, but am thankful to the people here that have taught me to recognize the red flags sooner than I used to.
Progress, not perfection.
SteveyEire - I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codependent. I turned to drugs to "deal with" the A's in my life.
It's only thanks to the great people here that I've realized it's all about ME!! No one is saying he's a waste of time. However, if someone shows signs that they are totally self-focused, then we have to think what is best for us. Trust me, the people who love me never thought I was a waste of time, but they DID have to take care of themselves first, just as I had to do with the A's in my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by Hammer 
Then YOU date him.
Let us know how that works out . . . .
Let us know how that works out . . . .
LOL… No I was only looking for more information, obviously I don't think she should have to step outside her boundaries or anything like that, apologies if it came across that way.
Peace
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by killerinstinct
But I was almost fooled and am very angry at myself for wasting energy on him.
My experience is . . . . *they* can smell *us*
Predator and Prey.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by SteveyEire
Might be an idea Hammer! Not having much luck with the ladies anyway
LOL… No I was only looking for more information, obviously I don't think she should have to step outside her boundaries or anything like that, apologies if it came across that way.
Peace
LOL… No I was only looking for more information, obviously I don't think she should have to step outside her boundaries or anything like that, apologies if it came across that way.
Peace
Weapons on Safe.
It works like this. Some of us feel like we have been "targeted" (and have been) by people who are intentionally selfish users.
Many A's are intentionally selfish users. (not saying ALL, just Many -- is that fair enough? Does that not match your experience, as well?)
Some of *us* return to that experience.
Some of *us* wish to fully repent and never come even near to that experience again.
Soooo . . . . . as a Self-Protective Measure -- we may create a prejudice in our own minds to avoid ALL A's.
Unless maybe they have about 30 or 40 years in the Program.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by Hammer
That is all fair enough.
Weapons on Safe.
It works like this. Some of us feel like we have been "targeted" (and have been) by people who are intentionally selfish users.
Many A's are intentionally selfish users. (not saying ALL, just Many -- is that fair enough? Does that not match your experience, as well?)
Some of *us* return to that experience.
Some of *us* wish to fully repent and never come even near to that experience again.
Soooo . . . . . as a Self-Protective Measure -- we may create a prejudice in our own minds to avoid ALL A's.
Unless maybe they have about 30 or 40 years in the Program.
Weapons on Safe.
It works like this. Some of us feel like we have been "targeted" (and have been) by people who are intentionally selfish users.
Many A's are intentionally selfish users. (not saying ALL, just Many -- is that fair enough? Does that not match your experience, as well?)
Some of *us* return to that experience.
Some of *us* wish to fully repent and never come even near to that experience again.
Soooo . . . . . as a Self-Protective Measure -- we may create a prejudice in our own minds to avoid ALL A's.
Unless maybe they have about 30 or 40 years in the Program.
Thats fine I agree, there are some wicked people out there for sure. On the other hand though, some of the most selfish people I know have no penchant for alcohol or drugs, let alone addicted to those things.
It just seems like a bit of a paradox to me, as many of the people on here are in recovery for alcohol and drugs and many are indeed probably still using them. I can see how it would be a big no-no to somebody who themselves is in recovery though, for sure.
Alas, I digress. I think I get your point anyway. And we all have our own barrier and boundaries to set.
30 or 40 years is an extreme length of time by the way!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((killler)) - I think he felt safe enough to tell you the truth. I would STILL run in the opposite direction.
Hammer - I love you dearly, but I don't have 30-40 years in the program, I'm coming up on 8 years. To me, it's not about how much time we have in recovery, it's all about what we have learned and how we live our lives. At 30-40 years, I will be in my 70's or 80's!! I'm grateful to have learned what true recovery is all about in my 50's.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hammer - I love you dearly, but I don't have 30-40 years in the program, I'm coming up on 8 years. To me, it's not about how much time we have in recovery, it's all about what we have learned and how we live our lives. At 30-40 years, I will be in my 70's or 80's!! I'm grateful to have learned what true recovery is all about in my 50's.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by SteveyEire
That is all fair enough as well. Not quite sure what you mean by this *we business but, I realize I may well be in the wrong section here.
Thats fine I agree, there are some wicked people out there for sure. On the other hand though, some of the most selfish people I know have no penchant for alcohol or drugs, let alone addicted to those things.
It just seems like a bit of a paradox to me, as many of the people on here are in recovery for alcohol and drugs and many are indeed probably still using them. I can see how it would be a big no-no to somebody who themselves is in recovery though, for sure.
Alas, I digress. I think I get your point anyway. And we all have our own barrier and boundaries to set.
Thats fine I agree, there are some wicked people out there for sure. On the other hand though, some of the most selfish people I know have no penchant for alcohol or drugs, let alone addicted to those things.
It just seems like a bit of a paradox to me, as many of the people on here are in recovery for alcohol and drugs and many are indeed probably still using them. I can see how it would be a big no-no to somebody who themselves is in recovery though, for sure.
Alas, I digress. I think I get your point anyway. And we all have our own barrier and boundaries to set.
The (imaginary, granted) we and they I am creating is generally -- WE = Friends and Family of A's, and THEY = Whatever Flavor A.
It is, in practice a much more useful concept (tracking pronouns, that is) when Friends and Family show up and think that WE (Friends and Family, that is, again) can somehow Cure, Control, or Cause the A to do something different.
WE (the Friends and Family, again) tend to have poor boundaries, and have let the THEY (A) problems become our own.
So for many of [Friends and Family] -- we have no real understanding of this at all -- at least to start -- not being A's ourselves, and so when the Relapse happens (my Family Case), or when the curtain is pulled back (like Killer's new and now past interest) we are shocked and hurt.
Having had that experience, we sort of vow to never be found in that condition, again, so we very actively shun anything that may even look like it.
Not saying it is "right" or anything, but please understand that we have been through some Very Real Emotional Trauma, while the A has generally been self-sedated through all they inflict upon us.
30 or 40 years is an extreme length of time by the way!
[and Yes, there really IS a Facebook Alanon, and Yes, I do visit there, but generally just stay more generic -- encouraging folks to go to meetings, work the steps, etc.
]
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
Hammer - I love you dearly, but I don't have 30-40 years in the program, I'm coming up on 8 years. To me, it's not about how much time we have in recovery, it's all about what we have learned and how we live our lives. At 30-40 years, I will be in my 70's or 80's!! I'm grateful to have learned what true recovery is all about in my 50's.
Mrs. Hammer had 4 "Good" years when we met.
We were about 3 kids into life when the Relapse hit.
Various addictions plus Rehab, since.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Amy
Thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Sounds like your killer instinct is getting stronger. So glad you have found empowerment! I am close... Still attracting them but ae to say No much sooner than before. Though I'd like it to be as soon as yours has been :-D
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
There's a book called "A return to Love " by Marianne Williamson.
She outlines a lot of different stuff, and there is quite a bit from a woman's perspective on how and why we attract what we do.
Highly recommend
She outlines a lot of different stuff, and there is quite a bit from a woman's perspective on how and why we attract what we do.
Highly recommend
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