Enough is ENOUGH!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 8
Enough is ENOUGH!
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! I CAN NOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!
I have been a drinker for 21 years. I began in college at the age of 20. From the ages of 20-30 I managed to attend happy hours, business dinners and girl nights out consuming large amounts of alcohol without any professional or personal ramifications.
Things took a turn from ages 30-41. I would drink daily on and off for months. When hangovers would cause me to use up all my paid leave, I would change to strictly weekend binges. That cycle continued for over ten years.
At the age of 41, alcohol has ravaged my mental state and affected my relationships. I have become a person even I do not recognize physically or mentally. Nothing tragic has happened but I can not shake the feeling of impending doom if I do not change NOW...Depression has been my constant companion as I know it is a side effect of alcoholism but I am referring to a feeling that I am at a crossroads with one fork in the road leading to life and the other in MY DEATH.
The demons that have resulted from my alcoholism have grown large over time. Now at the age of 41, I am calling them forward BY NAME and need help to eliminate their attachment. I have allowed fear, insecurity, depression, self loathing and sabotage to torment me. With admittance and enlightenment will come my strength.
Today I have decided to hand my past over to my Higher Power. I will let go of the pain, regret, humiliation and disappointment. The feelings associated with those experiences fall to my feet like broken chains. I turn my back and walk away from them. You see I JUST realized that holding on to those awful memories merely validated my reason for drinking. They have been an excuse to remain dysfunctional and delay the facing of my fears.
Thank you all for courageously telling your stories. People need people.
I know the road ahead may not be easy but something tells me it will be it will be worth it.........
I have been a drinker for 21 years. I began in college at the age of 20. From the ages of 20-30 I managed to attend happy hours, business dinners and girl nights out consuming large amounts of alcohol without any professional or personal ramifications.
Things took a turn from ages 30-41. I would drink daily on and off for months. When hangovers would cause me to use up all my paid leave, I would change to strictly weekend binges. That cycle continued for over ten years.
At the age of 41, alcohol has ravaged my mental state and affected my relationships. I have become a person even I do not recognize physically or mentally. Nothing tragic has happened but I can not shake the feeling of impending doom if I do not change NOW...Depression has been my constant companion as I know it is a side effect of alcoholism but I am referring to a feeling that I am at a crossroads with one fork in the road leading to life and the other in MY DEATH.
The demons that have resulted from my alcoholism have grown large over time. Now at the age of 41, I am calling them forward BY NAME and need help to eliminate their attachment. I have allowed fear, insecurity, depression, self loathing and sabotage to torment me. With admittance and enlightenment will come my strength.
Today I have decided to hand my past over to my Higher Power. I will let go of the pain, regret, humiliation and disappointment. The feelings associated with those experiences fall to my feet like broken chains. I turn my back and walk away from them. You see I JUST realized that holding on to those awful memories merely validated my reason for drinking. They have been an excuse to remain dysfunctional and delay the facing of my fears.
Thank you all for courageously telling your stories. People need people.
I know the road ahead may not be easy but something tells me it will be it will be worth it.........
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Hi Peace 2015. Thank you for your wonderful and brutally honest share. You have inspired me as well and this line, "alcohol has ravaged my mental state" resonated with me. At 28 I'm doing things I thought I wouldn't do until I was 50 but alas the weekend binges really take their toll. I too would like to leave these chains and I know I WILL. Is today your first day? What tools will you be utilizing on your journey?
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Welcome, glad you're here. I was like that too, nothing "tragic" happened, except that I knew my life was about to collapse. Someone told me it takes a lot of courage to quit of your own volition before tragedy strikes and forces the issue. It sounds like you have pain in your past, and many of us can relate to that and to the importance of dealing with it. It's a journey, and we're all figuring it out as we go along. We're in it together...and the something that will tell you it's worth it are the people here. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 8
Hello LiveLikeGold6,
Today is my first day.
While there were short lived periods of sobriety in my past, it never stuck because I always thought that alcohol was an option so I returned to old patterns.
I truly feel that this time is different because I am being honest. In the past year I began journaling my pain and I realized that my journal read like a tragic novel (a really bad Lifetime Movie here in the US). All the pain came to the surface like a flood. The most painful part is that I was the villain in my story. I picked up right where the abusers, exploiters and opportunists left off. I lived these experiences yet the realization that I have not just been a victim but an active participant sent me on a guilt spiral I could not escape.
I got honest with friends and family but nothing lifted the dark cloud until I fell on my knees and asked for Help. I re read the journals with different eyes, I was then able to find what I refer to as "Ester eggs" in my life story. I consider my Easter eggs to be the people, signs and miracles that showed up in my life when I needed them the most. Same past, different insight....
Finding this place, at this time, is "an egg" for my basket.
This board will be a major resource. In addition, I plan to return to my Faith, I have downloaded all the AA speaker tapes I could find on ITUNES. I have a library of physical and audio books that I ironically collected while actively drinking over all these years.
Today is my first day.
While there were short lived periods of sobriety in my past, it never stuck because I always thought that alcohol was an option so I returned to old patterns.
I truly feel that this time is different because I am being honest. In the past year I began journaling my pain and I realized that my journal read like a tragic novel (a really bad Lifetime Movie here in the US). All the pain came to the surface like a flood. The most painful part is that I was the villain in my story. I picked up right where the abusers, exploiters and opportunists left off. I lived these experiences yet the realization that I have not just been a victim but an active participant sent me on a guilt spiral I could not escape.
I got honest with friends and family but nothing lifted the dark cloud until I fell on my knees and asked for Help. I re read the journals with different eyes, I was then able to find what I refer to as "Ester eggs" in my life story. I consider my Easter eggs to be the people, signs and miracles that showed up in my life when I needed them the most. Same past, different insight....
Finding this place, at this time, is "an egg" for my basket.
This board will be a major resource. In addition, I plan to return to my Faith, I have downloaded all the AA speaker tapes I could find on ITUNES. I have a library of physical and audio books that I ironically collected while actively drinking over all these years.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hello Peace ,
I hope you keep coming back to SR , i found it really useful to check in every day , post something .. even if it's an encouragement to someone starting out, such a little thing for us to do can be quite important to someone struggling
Bestwishes, m
I hope you keep coming back to SR , i found it really useful to check in every day , post something .. even if it's an encouragement to someone starting out, such a little thing for us to do can be quite important to someone struggling
Bestwishes, m
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Welcome. Your story sounds similar to mine. I started drinking early in life. I knew I had a problem in my 20s, but "managed" through my 30s. After 40, though, the toward trajectory really picked up speed. I am now almost 48 and the last 5 years have been the worst in terms of negative consequences. I wish you all the best in finding your sobriety!
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by Peace2015 
l I am referring to a feeling that I am at a crossroads with one fork in the road leading to life and the other in MY DEATH.
EXACTLY how I felt ! In fact ALL of your post resonates with me.
Welcome, Peace ((()))
There is tons of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hey Peace....
I felt a lot like you.
Over a year ago I finally accepted and turned it over.
I got working on active recovery. AA and SR and counseling (not for alcohol but for life on life's terms, growth and maturity) have been my pillars. Exercise and nutrition and daily gratitude have been my reinforcing tools. Changing my life's habits was key. Letting go of old surroundings and behaviors and friendships was a part of it too.
It's been a reinvention. An overhaul that has been really tough at times, but so well worth it.
You can do this.
I felt a lot like you.
Over a year ago I finally accepted and turned it over.
I got working on active recovery. AA and SR and counseling (not for alcohol but for life on life's terms, growth and maturity) have been my pillars. Exercise and nutrition and daily gratitude have been my reinforcing tools. Changing my life's habits was key. Letting go of old surroundings and behaviors and friendships was a part of it too.
It's been a reinvention. An overhaul that has been really tough at times, but so well worth it.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: uk
Posts: 82
Hi peace,
I am a newbie too, on day 3, we are all in this together
I have never been an active member on a forum before but i honestly dont think i could do this without the wonderful support of everyone on here, day or night there are posts to read and great advice with no judement
I wish you and everyone good luck xx
I am a newbie too, on day 3, we are all in this together
I have never been an active member on a forum before but i honestly dont think i could do this without the wonderful support of everyone on here, day or night there are posts to read and great advice with no judement
I wish you and everyone good luck xx
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