ANewDayNYC

Several months ago I met a girl at a bar from the West Coast – we e-mailed each other a little bit but then we sort of fell out of touch. I don’t really know her that well aside from the fact we had a good conversation that night. She randomly e-mailed me and told me she is in NY visiting and asked if I want to get a drink. My commitment to stay sober is strong, however I really don’t trust myself going to a bar.

Dee74

I think, if you're really committed to sobriety, there's not much of a dilemma really?

Tell her you're busy and you'll meet up next time
tell her you don't drink anymore but you'll be glad to meet for coffee.

I think if you do meet up you need to tell her you're not drinking, or chances are you'll end up in bar.

D

melki

I fail to see the dilemma.

ANewDayNYC

Thanks Dee - I know that is what I needed to hear. I didn't tell her yet, but I know I can't keep making exceptions or I will never stay sober. I have to think long-term. Alcohol is ruining my life.

I think part of me is trying to use this as an excuse to drink. Once she responds back, I will suggest the coffee instead.

SoberD

Yep, if you had a good time talking to her when you met, I don't see why you couldn't in some other venue other than a bar...

The "let's have a drink" in a bar type meetups/dates are just unoriginal and lame anyways...

ANewDayNYC

Thanks everyone - before I posted I kept going back and forth and now I know I want to stay sober.

tomsteve

Aren't there restaurants around where ya could meet her?
Can't ya tell her ya really don't like the bar scene but meeting up at a restaurant would be nice?

advbike

I totally did that for years.. quit, then went on a dinner date and blew it all.. lol.

Soberwolf

Why not send an email explaining your not drinking but could do something else away from drinking

Cinema theatre a meal ?

ANewDayNYC

Today I went out for coffee with that friend and we walked around Central Park and I had a nice time. I was a little bit worried if I would be able to sociable without alcohol but I was fine.

I never mentioned that I don’t drink anymore. I simply suggested a coffee date. The person is only in NY for one week. However, when I got home she texted me again if I want to drinks this week. I think the best thing to do is to go to a restaurant, since I don’t trust myself at a bar not to drink.

It did cross my mind to make an exception for this week and drink (however, when that thought crossed my mind – I also thought about how nice it would be to go to some of my favorite bars). So I know I can’t drink. If I do, it will just open up the floodgates.

I really want to stay sober and will not drink. Part of this post I guess is just venting. I will have to learn to get more comfortable with turning down drinks. It feels harder in reality compared to when it was purely a theoretical concept. I know am happier sober so I need to stay focused with this.

BBQBiker

ANewDayNYC - it gets easier to turn down drinks. I worried about it too but after the first time it was easier and I felt and still feel a huge sense of pride. Although it's just 30 days for me I really like either turning down drinks of just ordering a non-alcoholic beverage.
Keep us posted.

ANewDayNYC

Thanks BBQ - I am trying to keep myself accountable. I am glad it gets easier in time.

ubntubnt

hi NYC, drinks may be ok in time, i.e. you drink non alcoholic drinks and others not but thats for a while down the road and maybe never. Until then I think suggesting catching up with friends over lunch or dinner is perfect. You have the food to distract you and keep things light and interesting and some people can drink if they want without feeling pressure and you can opt for no alcohol pressure free also.
With my closest friends I didn't even have to explain. When I suggested we meet over lunch or dinner they instantly knew I was telling them I didn't want to drink or get drunk.
With a friend I don't now well or a new friend I would simply say something like "lets meet for dinner as I rarely drink these days" or "lets meet for a bite to eat as I am on a heath kick at the moment and have dropped the booze and hit the gym, I know, Its a miracle". Then I would chose something like a deli or some place healthy and stay away from any environment where I would feel like I wanted to order a glass of wine. Light and breezy, fresh sandwich and a coffee.

ubntubnt

....just as I tied that sentence a thought flashed through my mind...perfect for a class of Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot Grigio...lol

Elodie

I used to do that too, consider which situations I'd make exceptions for and allow myself to drink. Once I decided that drinking alcohol was no longer an option for me, no matter what, it really cleared up a lot of the mental energy I had been wasting.

MelindaFlowers

Skip the bar and do something else but try and see her if you can. You never know where it could lead! This could be your future wife we're talking about.

MelindaFlowers

Sorry, was being a bit silly. Do whatever keeps you sober!

doggonecarl

I can understand not telling someone you met only twice that you don't drink. I can also understand that not telling her leaves the door open to drink. An exception you've already run through your mind.

Just be careful about where this is headed and what you will be willing to do along the way to meet that end.

bigsombrero

I understand the situation. About a year ago I was on an online dating site for a while, and the most common request from new matches was "how about a drink"? I really hemmed and hawed about that, because I wanted to meet new people and socialize. I also got really frustrated because I had no idea how I'd ever meet someone new without going for that "first drink". I'm sure glad I never went to meet someone for that drink. Things worked out just fine.

I'd recommend staying away from a bar at all costs. Just my .02 cents. Say "why don't we grab a coffee, I know a great cafe" and just go from there. If she's hell-bent on drinking and partying, and she lives on the West Coast, there's no need to risk your sobriety for her. PS: There are billions of women out there in the world, I can confirm this because I've checked the stats from the UN Census Bureau.