Does it ever end good?

Old 01-02-2015, 08:01 PM
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Does it ever end good?

So since sept since the aexgf went down to Fl she has been living with her grandparents. Been clean and sober since, and been trying to find a steady job, working here and there and planning on going back to school in the fall. We had been Skyping and I had some leftover vacation time so i went down and hung out on the beach and with her. She's my best friend. I love her even after everything thats happened and when thing are good...they're great (as im sure everyone on here says, ive seen it plenty of times).It was made clear that we were broken up. I wanted her to get her **** together and then who know but if she or i found someone in between, so be it.
Fast forward to now....today...3 hours ago. She had planned on coming home for a few weeks to see her fam and get her stuff, then go back down to Fl. I haven't seen her the first few days and tonight is the first night i saw her. Got in a little argument the other night because she I was a little bent out of shape that i didn't get a phone call when she got in or anything. Something felt off in the wasy it all went down that instantly i got that tingly feeling. so today i pick her up and as she's putting her bag in my car i look and her face has that droopyish face that we've all seen. She gets in my car and her eyes are heavy and she closes them instantly and is "sleeping". Im blown away and right away call her out on it. I cant believe what im seeing. This is the same kind of **** that i saw over the summer when she was shooting. She makes up some BS about not getting any sleep and now that she's in my warm car feels comfortable. Long story short we go back to my house and the more i look at her, the more i think she's high. I txt her sponsor and ask her if she's see/talked to exgf since she's been back . Sponsor says no and i tell her that i think that she's high. Sponsor says that im not the only one, some people saw her the other night and thought the same thing.
So now im flipping out in my head. Just so ******* sad. I tell aex that she cant stay with me and i have to take her home. Unless she's willing to take a **** test. She says ok, i say that im going to watch her take it. She gets mad then say no and fine to take her home. i take her home and say one last chance to take the test and ill say apologize profusely and we can go about our night. she says that she doesn't want me watching, that i've taken away enough(???). I say the choices you made is what brought you to this.
Its really heartbreaking and i would think that im used to it by now and i know its my fault that i put myself through it each time. i always expect a different outcome. i know, the definition of insanity...its really so sad. crazy thing is that she puts so much self doubt in me that now im like did i really see the right thing? ive ben around her enough to know what im seeing. I've seen her completely sober, and seen her completely high. Ive told her that she's not fooling me but continues to deny. I just don't get it. I have her number blocked cause i don't want to hear it. its crushing cause all i was hoping was to spend the short time we had together with each other maybe seeing if there was a possibility. Hope is just a dead end road when dealing with this ****. not sure what to do. just wanted to vent. thanks
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Old 01-03-2015, 03:44 AM
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theotherhalf,

I am sorry for your disappointment. Its hard to let go of someone we care about.
Stick to your boundaries, though. That's the only sane thing to do in cases like this.

thanks for sharing and I hope you recover soon, and find real happiness.
hugs
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Old 01-03-2015, 05:45 AM
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Well, I think what you're asking is, is there hope for the relationship? I think the more appropriate question is, is there hope for me? And the answer to the latter is an unequivocal yes.

With that said, I've come to believe that the biggest impediment between ourselves and recovery is us. And that's because we give ourselves permission to make choices that get in the way of us fully recovering. I sense you know this, too:

Its really heartbreaking and i would think that im used to it by now and i know its my fault that i put myself through it each time. i always expect a different outcome. i know, the definition of insanity...its really so sad.
Yes, it's sad. But she is what she is. And if you want to keep experiencing the same disappointments over and over, keep doing what you're doing. Which even you know is insane. Or you can do something different: detach. Acknowledge she is what she is, and keep a buffer between you and her such that no matter what she does, you're going to be OK.

What's preventing you from doing this?
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Old 01-03-2015, 10:27 AM
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I think that we make our own endings. It's more about walking into the sunlight and knowing where we are going. I personally hate the confusion and like things more planned, stable, predictable. I don't like surprises. Annnddddd.... I married a heroin addict. LOL.
So, we make our own destiny. We make our own happy "endings".
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:34 PM
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The last few weeks since that incident have been a mix of crazy, anger, & sadness. She came clean over the weekend after the incident happened. said that she came home and found stuff in her clothes when she was packing up and decided to get high. i was pretty upset but at least a little relieved that she came clean.
The following weekend i start getting that spidey sense that something is wrong and go through her purse while she's in the shower. In it i find two dope bags. One top and one that looked like it had been torn opened and scrapped. I try not to get to upset and calmly tell her she need to go and i take her home. Of course she denies it and says that it was from before and she didnt know where to throw it out. Now i know that its total BS but damn is she convincing.
The following week goes by and one night i get a call from her mom asking is exagf with you? I say no and then the mom tells me that she had been told that exagf was gong to my house to stay over and that she saw her driving away in the guys car that she had been having a relationship and doing dope with about a year and a half ago. Im totally floored by this. Im in shock that this guy is still in the picture. I start sending him msgs and her msgs about what a ***** she is and how ****** up it is that she would do this to me. that night she proceeds to ask me if Im crazy and that she didn't leave in the car we thought she did and how im sick calling her all those names (i called her a lot of the generic names that a SO would call the other one if they caught them cheating).
The next day rolls around and now im talking to this guy about how he thought that she's been in a relationship with him and he's been doing dope with her the whole time and i proceed to send these msgs to her mom and grandma. I don't want to hear anymore that im a liar and crazy. i think that they should all know the truth about what she's doing. She's sick in the head. come to find out i saw all of her FB msgs to him and she's been telling him how much she loves him and that he should send her dope and she cant wait to get high. So really this whole trip back up here(while ok she wanted to get her stuff) was a big rouse to get high.
Now she's cant go back to Florida and she's stuck up here. And now im stuck feeling like **** after the cloud of anger is gone feeling like i shouldn't have sent out those msgs because now she cant go back down there. and im thinking that its going to be my fault if she cant get into a treatment center or anything. Her insurance wont cover it anymore i think and her mom cant afford to pay outright. i don't want her to be mad at me but at the same time i must be nuts for even caring. and of course she's blaming her mom and i for all the problems she has now.
i just feel really hopeless for her and sad to think that that is the life she chose over the life that we could have had together. i know i shouldn't be thinking any of its my fault but i cant help to think i should be trying to fix it by calling the gma and asking for help for her.
addiction is so ******* horrible. it takes away the person you think you know and replaces them with a monster. idk....just wanted to vent
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Old 01-25-2015, 06:54 PM
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i just feel really hopeless for her and sad to think that that is the life she chose over the life that we could have had together. i know i shouldn't be thinking any of its my fault but i cant help to think i should be trying to fix it by calling the gma and asking for help for her.
Well, you could do that. But what would be your motivation? Would it be to help her, or to assuage your (in my view misplaced) guilt?

You've been with us since June '13. To me, this means you've got a 19 month data sample as to who and what she's all about. Only you don't want to believe it.

She's an addict. And none of what you described above surprises me in the slightest. She's an addict behaving like an addict, and she will continue to do this and not take responsibility for any of it. She'll blame you, or her mother, or the other guy I presume she's boinking...anyone but herself.

Back on January 3, I wrote the following in response to your post on January 2:

Yes, it's sad. But she is what she is. And if you want to keep experiencing the same disappointments over and over, keep doing what you're doing. Which even you know is insane. Or you can do something different: detach. Acknowledge she is what she is, and keep a buffer between you and her such that no matter what she does, you're going to be OK.

What's preventing you from doing this?
I'll answer it for you: you love her. And somewhere in the back of your mind, you're probably thinking you can love her out of it.

And I'm here to tell you that you can't.

A broken heart sucks. Been there more than once. But better a broken heart than someone continually messing with your head while breaking your heart. Get rid of her. Allow her to live her life, her way, and begin the process of restoring your sanity. What you've done since June '13 has not worked. Time to do something better and smarter for you.

PS -- Read this, and you'll understand where I'm coming from: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...niversary.html
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Old 01-26-2015, 07:09 AM
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Using has consequences. She needs to experience those consequences to understand what addiction brings about in life.

I hope you move on from this chaos as you deserve a lot better. Let Go and Let God.
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Old 01-26-2015, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by theotherhalf View Post
She came clean over the weekend after the incident happened. said that she came home and found stuff in her clothes when she was packing up and decided to get high. i was pretty upset but at least a little relieved that she came clean.
The following weekend i start getting that spidey sense that something is wrong and go through her purse while she's in the shower. In it i find two dope bags. Of course she denies it and says that it was from before and she didnt know where to throw it out. Now i know that its total BS but damn is she convincing.
i get a call from her mom she saw her driving away in the guys car that she had been having a relationship and doing dope with about a year and a half ago. Im totally floored by this. Im in shock that this guy is still in the picture. I start sending him msgs and her msgs about what a ***** she is and how ****** up it is that she would do this to me. that night she proceeds to ask me if Im crazy and that she didn't leave in the car we thought she did and how im sick calling her all those names (i called her a lot of the generic names that a SO would call the other one if they caught them cheating).
The next day rolls around and now im talking to this guy about how he thought that she's been in a relationship with him and he's been doing dope with her the whole time and i proceed to send these msgs to her mom and grandma. I don't want to hear anymore that im a liar and crazy. i think that they should all know the truth about what she's doing. She's sick in the head. come to find out i saw all of her FB msgs to him and she's been telling him how much she loves him and that he should send her dope and she cant wait to get high.
I really am Sorry you are going through this. I answered your PM yesterday so felt the need to respond to your post.

It sounds like you are WAY WAY WAY too wrapped up in this situation and her affairs and need to take a HUGE step back. She might never get sober, but smothering the hell out of her and basically stalking her is neither going to get her sober or get her back for that matter (as if you want her back in this condition).

Trust me you keep heading down this road of calling her sponsor, rifling through her purse, shooting off texts to some dope head boyfriend and to her and her mom and grandma, and stalking her on facebook YOU just might be the one that ends up in a Strait Jacket in a rubber room.

I know you are trying everything you can think of, but if she wants to do dope she IS going to do dope. Also the more wrapped up you get in her sickness the sicker it will make you. If the ship is sinking grab a life raft.
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Old 01-26-2015, 10:55 AM
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Hello other half.

You aren't her other half - it is dope. You are in love with her potential and what could have been. Time to write her off and grieve this relationship.

Three sentences above - very hard to do. I am sorry.
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Old 01-26-2015, 11:32 AM
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Addicts lie. It's what they do. They say and do what ever they have to do to get to their next fix and that is it.

She's not convincing, she's lying. You need to remember that every time she opens her mouth. Or better yet. Cut her off and focus on you.
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:49 PM
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you know its funny because for the longest time ive been fine with everything. i wasn't checking up on things, looking though purses or any of that other crazy ****. for some reason this trip back home and her coming back over to my house high....i just slipped up and went back into that nuts mode and then when i found out the whole deal it brought me right back to where i was 19 months ago. and yes i do know its crazy to be doing all that stuff. thats not what a normal relationship is made of.
19 months is when i first came here. i had been dealing with that for about another 2 years before that. Its been such a long road and ive invested sot much energy and love and none of it has made a difference. its like we have gone back to the beginning and nothing has changed. ive broken up with her countless times and not talked for months on end only to get back together because we thought things were going to be different. the disappoint just feels like a huge weight on me. and i know its not my fault, i haven't been the one putting dope before everyone else. it just suck to see how everything turned out. all i keep picturing in my mind was the pics ive seen of her a a smiling little kid. its sad how her life is turning out.
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:53 PM
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ive invested sot much energy and love and none of it has made a difference.
It's time you start investing in yourself and your future.

She's chosen her path. If that's the path she wants to be on, fine. She can pay the price.

There are worse things that not being with her, and that's being with her while she continues to disappoint you. The only one that can change this is you.

Choose wisely.
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Old 01-26-2015, 02:08 PM
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Listen to your Spidey sense, my friend. My AH has done some pretty screwy shite over the last 2 years that we've been together, & my Spidey sense about what's really going on has never failed me.
It sucks beyond suckage, I know. But as Zoso says, better just a broken heart than a broken heart, continual mind-fuckage & possibly a broken bank account & other broken relationships bc of her...

Hugs.
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Old 01-26-2015, 02:27 PM
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thanks for all the advice...ive started going back to naranon. Feels good to go back and be around other people who get it.
as crazy as it sounds i could probably deal with the using if she was going to get help and could admit that there was a problem. she still refuses to admit that. what i have a tough time dealing with is the alternate life that was going on. i just have to think i guess that at least she was with me to be the positive part of the alternate life. i was the one who she was going to have the family and white picket fence with. i feel so sad for her and i guess at the same time it makes me crazy. her sickness is pouring onto me...an i know im allowing it. at this point its been 4-5 long years of this and its all i know. i have to get my brain back to thinking that this isnt normal and not everyone has to deal with this. before i started dating her i would never think to look into someone else's belongings or check up on where they were. i was the least possessive guy possible. this crazy lifestyle has definitely taken its toll mentally. one day at a time i guess
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Old 01-26-2015, 02:59 PM
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Does your health insurance cover counseling? That might help you pull the lessons out of this relationship and bolster your decision to potentially make a final end to it. I do not prefer Nar Anon over counseling, I'd recommend both if you can swing it other half.
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Old 01-26-2015, 03:15 PM
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yea ive been seeing a therapist for quite some time now....i realized i had a few issues a long time ago lol....
the biggest thing im going to have to overcome i think is that i feel so guilty for messing things up for her down in florida. i know she made the choice do get high and everything. and in a total fit of blinding rage (i was shaking mad) i sent the msgs.
she was going to go to school in the fall and it seemed like it was a better life down there. even though the whole time she was talking to her using partner and asking him to send her dope she was still physically clean. i cant help but think that i ruined her life by letting the cat out of the bag (even though i think if she knew how to talk to people and take responsibility her gparents would help somehow). and thats not a feeling im very proud of.
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Old 01-27-2015, 08:51 AM
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Stop trying to blame yourself. Just stop it. Drugs are awful, there is nothing you can do about that. She has to control her addiction and work a program to do it.

The Three C's:
You did not cause it, You cannot control it, You cannot cure it.

Florida is a hothouse of drug use. She was going to be offered drugs and take someone up on that offer because that would be her decision. She was trying to get drugs. So while you think she was clean, it would not have been long. She has to face her addiction head on.

I am sorry. I know it hurts. I know it's scary. Keep going to therapy it will help you. We here at SR will support you always, and I will remind you when you are trying to ingest this as your fault, that IT IS NOT.

Tight, tight hugs.
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