gabriel01

Last year of this holiday season, I was sitting and crying alone at home desperately. I opted for NC with my ABF. I was in pain. I came here, meetings and reading everyday. Until the afternoon of Jan 1, 2014, my ABF non-stop texting and calling me and begging for help. He said he didn't want to drink and drug, he didn't want to live in that life anymore. I replied his texts finally. I told him I couldn't help him anymore, I tried, but it backfired myself. I was actually the one who needed help. I told him there is only one group of people who might help him. So he took a cab to my place and I dropped him off to an AA meetings.

Last night, it was his first year cake. I am happy for him. I didn't go to his meeting and celebrated with him. I chose to stay home, took a nice scented warm bath with candles to relax while he was gone for the meeting. I congratulated him. I didn't go, because I don't want to get too involved of his recovery. I know I have the ability to see and feel if he is in recovery or relapse if it happens. And I will trust my instincts & myself now. I become a stronger person this year, not perfect, but definitely a much stronger and confident person. I keep my boundaries better to protect myself. I learned it doesn't turn me into a bitch just because I want to keep my boundaries. I learned I need to say "no" when I need to. I learned I should feel grateful when others offer help or gifts, not to feel ashamed.

2014 was not perfect. But I learned a lot and I changed a lot. I learned how to enjoy life better and be happy. I learned whenever a problem or crisis arise, it's ok to feel upset, but life still goes on. So I either need to find a better solution, or put it aside for a bit before I'm ready to deal with the problem. I should not let myself to keep losing sleep over the problem. It doesn't help.

This morning, my RABF made an amend to me. Besides the drug, he said sorry about his porn addiction in the past. I then realized that I didn't "spy" on him (his device, laptop etc) anymore for over half an year. I don't think it's because about trust. it's because I learned no matter what I said, do or to "control", if he was not ready to give up. I was just doing it to hurt myself and didn't keep my boundaries well enough. So at some points this year, I started to focus on myself more, not him anymore.

Once in a while, I might still slip back a bit. But when I open the SR app on my phone and start reading posts here, my mind becomes clear again.

I'm glad that I found SR. It helps me a lot. There is a lot love and wisdoms here. Thanks so much.
😊

cynical one

Sounds like you have a very healthy outlook on your own recovery and are not enmeshed in his.
Wishing you both continued happiness and serenity in 2015 and beyond.

Ann

You have a very healthy attitude and I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself first. Congratulations to him for his one year recovery, that's awesome and wonderful...but just as much congratulations to you for finding a better path in your own recovery and growing your life into something peaceful and happy.

Recovery is wonderful no matter which path brought us here.

Happy New Year.

Hugs

chicory

What a wonderful post!

I am happy for your boyfriend. A year.. that's just wonderful. And for you, in how you are taking care of yourself. Letting go feels good, feels right, and restores your confidence in being enough for yourself.

best wishes to both of you, and thank you for sharing. It will be encouragement for many who worry about letting go of control of their loved one.
hugs
chicory