decision time
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decision time
I'm praying for strength. It's so easy to see what others need to do and wonder why they don't until it's you.
he walked in from work visiby drunk. He went straight to our bedroom, peed, brushed his teeth and came back to the living room and sat down. I just looked at him wondering if I had it wrong but I could smell he'd brushed his teeth or something. He asked me why I was looking at him like that so I asked if he was drunk. Of course he said no. I told him I'm tired of not trusting myself and know he is. He still lied. So I asked have you been drinking? After a pause he answered he had a few drinks. I told him that is unacceptable, cried and walked out of the room. Here I am sitting alone in my room. I know I have to ask him to leave. I'm really praying for the strength to do that.
he walked in from work visiby drunk. He went straight to our bedroom, peed, brushed his teeth and came back to the living room and sat down. I just looked at him wondering if I had it wrong but I could smell he'd brushed his teeth or something. He asked me why I was looking at him like that so I asked if he was drunk. Of course he said no. I told him I'm tired of not trusting myself and know he is. He still lied. So I asked have you been drinking? After a pause he answered he had a few drinks. I told him that is unacceptable, cried and walked out of the room. Here I am sitting alone in my room. I know I have to ask him to leave. I'm really praying for the strength to do that.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hugs, Katchie.
It's enough to make you feel like you're going crazy, isn't it? But we KNOW. When we're ready to open our eyes we can't un-see or un-know what we know.
From his perspective, he told the truth. He doesn't consider himself "drunk." And a "few drinks" could be any number of them.
He's not ready to stop. It's entirely up to you how long you can tolerate it. Some people can tolerate it for a very long time without too much damage. I tolerated it for quite a while. Once I felt it was causing me enough distress, though, it wasn't so hard to do. I had enough self-preservation instinct to know when I'd had enough. You will, too.
It's enough to make you feel like you're going crazy, isn't it? But we KNOW. When we're ready to open our eyes we can't un-see or un-know what we know.
From his perspective, he told the truth. He doesn't consider himself "drunk." And a "few drinks" could be any number of them.
He's not ready to stop. It's entirely up to you how long you can tolerate it. Some people can tolerate it for a very long time without too much damage. I tolerated it for quite a while. Once I felt it was causing me enough distress, though, it wasn't so hard to do. I had enough self-preservation instinct to know when I'd had enough. You will, too.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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K, I am so sorry. I am not sure what you are looking for from him. He is an A and I hate to say it, A's drink. It is horrible but it is the truth. There is nothing that you can do or say to get him to stop. Why are getting yourself so upset?
You have choices in life and you know that. Expecting him to step up and realize what he has done, is just not going to work. He can't comprehend life without alcohol. When you continue to do the same thing over and over and nothing changes. He lies to you because he doesnt want to disappoint you. It's a terrible disease.
You need to what you need to do for you!!! He is not going to change right now. So what is going to make you happy. Living in the crazy life with an A or starting to take care of you.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
You have choices in life and you know that. Expecting him to step up and realize what he has done, is just not going to work. He can't comprehend life without alcohol. When you continue to do the same thing over and over and nothing changes. He lies to you because he doesnt want to disappoint you. It's a terrible disease.
You need to what you need to do for you!!! He is not going to change right now. So what is going to make you happy. Living in the crazy life with an A or starting to take care of you.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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It's so easy to see what others need to do and wonder why they don't until it's you.
Hugs to you, friend.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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(((((((hugs))))))) I know how hard it feels for you right now. The thing is, boundaries literally mean nothing unless they are enforced. You have to do whatever is right FOR YOU right now, no one else. Sending you lots of strength prayers & vibes!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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It's so damn hard when they just don't get it. I refuse to even entertain the question... Are you drunk because if I have to seriously ask him, I already know.
All I can offer is strength that you do what you feel necessary. I know how much it hurts.
All I can offer is strength that you do what you feel necessary. I know how much it hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
It's so damn hard when they just don't get it. I refuse to even entertain the question... Are you drunk? because if I have to seriously ask him, I already know.
All I can offer is strength that you do what you feel necessary. I know how much it hurts.
All I can offer is strength that you do what you feel necessary. I know how much it hurts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Katchie,
Just ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))), I'm really sorry. I think you knew already where the big xmas presents was going to. Buy past forgiveness and future forgiveness. I really do feel for you.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
Just ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))), I'm really sorry. I think you knew already where the big xmas presents was going to. Buy past forgiveness and future forgiveness. I really do feel for you.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
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Not one of you said anything untrue, thank you for that. I'm not going to do anything tonight because telling him to leave -- well, I don't feel good about him being in that state and driving. But tomorrow I will be having that discussion that he should leave. If I don't I know everything I've said rings hollow and he will never believe I mean what I say and things will continue as they have for years. I know this at my core. I'm also thinking I need to call my sister-in-law, the wife of my AH's little brother, who has experience with addiction in her family, and let her know what is going on, then let them decide if they want to tell his mother or not. I just don't know what else I can do. That's all I have left up my sleeve that may be of help to him. I already told my family and our close friends this time last year. Perhaps its time for his side to know. I know that is his biggest worry -- sadly more of a worry than his wife leaving him, killing someone while he is driving drunk, driving his kids (in the past) drunk, or any other awful thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I think calling your SIL is a good idea. She's sort of a neutral party and in a better position to sort of navigate how to manage his family. Getting it straight from you might make it look like you are trying to tear him down. She's in a better position to appear objective about it.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think calling your SIL is a good idea. She's sort of a neutral party and in a better position to sort of navigate how to manage his family. Getting it straight from you might make it look like you are trying to tear him down. She's in a better position to appear objective about it.
That I haven't done this sooner is the same reason I didn't tell my family until this time last year. It's me and the locked zipper on my mouth.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by Katchie
Not one of you said anything untrue, thank you for that. I'm not going to do anything tonight because telling him to leave -- well, I don't feel good about him being in that state and driving. But tomorrow I will be having that discussion that he should leave. If I don't I know everything I've said rings hollow and he will never believe I mean what I say and things will continue as they have for years. I know this at my core. I'm also thinking I need to call my sister-in-law, the wife of my AH's little brother, who has experience with addiction in her family, and let her know what is going on, then let them decide if they want to tell his mother or not. I just don't know what else I can do. That's all I have left up my sleeve that may be of help to him. I already told my family and our close friends this time last year. Perhaps its time for his side to know. I know that is his biggest worry -- sadly more of a worry than his wife leaving him, killing someone while he is driving drunk, driving his kids (in the past) drunk, or any other awful thing.
But this is just my perspective. And I am often more of a Cautionary Tale, rather than a Good Example.
I am glad you have already gotten a good deal and diversity of advice and support, else I would not want to mislead you.
So. Based on my experience, here is my very best to you >>>
Pray. AND. Wait on the LORD.
Nothing else required.
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Katchie, I'm so sorry.
What about some members of Band of Brothers? It doesn't matter if he hasn't been calling them. Self isolation from potential help is common, for them and us. Keep praying. Ask for guidance. Breath. Hand this over to others. This is not your load to carry. It's okay to pass him on to others who are more equipped to deal with him. Do you have a licensed addiction counselor you can talk to?
(((hugs)))
Great advice from Hammer.
What about some members of Band of Brothers? It doesn't matter if he hasn't been calling them. Self isolation from potential help is common, for them and us. Keep praying. Ask for guidance. Breath. Hand this over to others. This is not your load to carry. It's okay to pass him on to others who are more equipped to deal with him. Do you have a licensed addiction counselor you can talk to?
(((hugs)))
Great advice from Hammer.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
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Katchie-
I know this situation oh too well. Almost every weekend he'd come home from work wreaking of beer. Tried covering it up with mouth wash, but I knew. Read my post my AEXBF used to drink and drive his car! Sooooo dangerous!
I hope you have the strength to leave if that is what you want to do. I'm 4 days strong and already feeling 10 pounds lighter
I know this situation oh too well. Almost every weekend he'd come home from work wreaking of beer. Tried covering it up with mouth wash, but I knew. Read my post my AEXBF used to drink and drive his car! Sooooo dangerous!
I hope you have the strength to leave if that is what you want to do. I'm 4 days strong and already feeling 10 pounds lighter
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Originally Posted by Hammer
jmho. You may be thinking Way Too Much, for your own good, I mean.
But this is just my perspective. And I am often more of a Cautionary Tale, rather than a Good Example.
I am glad you have already gotten a good deal and diversity of advice and support, else I would not want to mislead you.
So. Based on my experience, here is my very best to you >>>
Pray. AND. Wait on the LORD.
Nothing else required.
But this is just my perspective. And I am often more of a Cautionary Tale, rather than a Good Example.
I am glad you have already gotten a good deal and diversity of advice and support, else I would not want to mislead you.
So. Based on my experience, here is my very best to you >>>
Pray. AND. Wait on the LORD.
Nothing else required.
I've come to this place because I believe I've been told this is the way. I'm not talking divorce, just separating for now, for a year if necessary. When I first understood he relapsed around thanksgiving, 2 Thessalonians 3:6, 14-15 KJV became very clear that is was my path, not for me, but for him. I know this with every fiber in me, but it is still incredibly hard for me think of doing. But I will do it to the best of my ability.
What's so funny is that the bible studies we have been doing daily have really beat him over the head about drinking. I couldn't have planned it that way if I tried! He just has not listened, sadly. The last study we did, he sat in our living room listening to a Q&A segment at the end of the study and our pastor talked about those with addictions and how they destroy their own families for the next high.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
Katchie, I'm so sorry.
What about some members of Band of Brothers? It doesn't matter if he hasn't been calling them. Self isolation from potential help is common, for them and us. Keep praying. Ask for guidance. Breath. Hand this over to others. This is not your load to carry. It's okay to pass him on to others who are more equipped to deal with him. Do you have a licensed addiction counselor you can talk to?
(((hugs)))
Great advice from Hammer.
What about some members of Band of Brothers? It doesn't matter if he hasn't been calling them. Self isolation from potential help is common, for them and us. Keep praying. Ask for guidance. Breath. Hand this over to others. This is not your load to carry. It's okay to pass him on to others who are more equipped to deal with him. Do you have a licensed addiction counselor you can talk to?
(((hugs)))
Great advice from Hammer.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Katchie....just hugs sweetie. I know that horribly painful, shocking, almost numbing, yet ever so deep in the pit of your gut sinking feeling oh so very well and I'm so sorry that you're feeling it.
We're all here for you. Please don't you ever forget that. It's such a horrible, destructive sickness.
We're all here for you. Please don't you ever forget that. It's such a horrible, destructive sickness.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Sorry to hear about your situation Katchie. It is so depressing and discouraging when our partners relapse, as it triggers in us all of the fear and anxiety that their past drinking behavior produced. And you don't want to just overlook his drinking because then it would look like you are condoning something that affects your life and relationship negatively. Hopefully he gets back on track with his sobriety despite his relapse.
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