Thanos

Hello everyone,

I have not posted often, but I read the community's posts often and they have been a considerable help to me. I feel like this is going to be a new year and I wanted to share my story of re-committing to sobriety now.

I have been on the neverending carousel of "really going to do it this time!" followed by months of booze-soaked relapse for quite a long time. Time to jump off for good!

I think I found my bottom Monday night. Even if it was really not the worst thing that ever happened (I'm still married; I wasn't driving, thank goodness; I am still alive; I wasn't arrested or hospitalized), I never want to feel that way again. In addition, I now realize that even the impulse to think "Well, you survived, and you didn't end up in jail or dead" is my addiction weaseling its way into my brain. So, even if it is not objectively the "bottom" that the "bottom" could potentially be, I declare that it is my bottom and I never want to ingest something that could get me back there or even start me down the path ever again!

Basically, I had my first 100% black-out, off of beers drunk quickly on an empty stomach, after making it six days without alcohol - normally the amount I drank would have been nothing, but for some reason, they hit me very differently, and I almost wondered if I'd been drugged the next day! Reading about this issue on here and elsewhere forced me to accept that I had had a "blackout", and that I'd reached a very damaging and critical point in my relationship with alcohol. I had experienced forgotten conversations and movie endings for some time, but this was like a piece of my life was really missing and I did not know who had piloted my body or what they had done with it.

What amazes me is that, somehow, I got home. I should not have gotten home - I took the wrong bus out of NYC in a bewildered state of drunkenness and ended up in a town I didn't know. I was walking down the middle of the road with my hand in the air at 11:00 at night in the freezing cold. Incredibly, a taxi stopped for me (there are not usually many cabs roaming around in these little Jersey towns) and took me home. I can't remember if I even paid for the ride, although I think so!

The fact that a taxi showed up and pulled over for me at all humbles and shames me deeply. I don't deserve all these chances. I really do feel humbled by whatever it was that brought that taxi down the road in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. Seems like such a lucky break, and so random that I almost wondered if it were some kind of cosmic intervention, but even thinking that makes me feel arrogant to say, when some other people never got the break I got.

I've spent the last few days consumed by anxiety and guilt, over what I might have done, over every feeling I have, over possible health issues and family concerns. I've read on this site, and I also finished a few books about recovery. I am ready to jump off the merry go round.

I am really looking forward to better mental and physical well-being, more self-respect and less guilt, shame, and anxiety.

Here's to 2015, and a new life!

Soberwolf

Thanos you can do this for me it starts with acceptance

i cant drink safely or responsibly more importantly i dont want to
you can lean on us for support advice help & guidance 24/7

read & print this off my friend its very very useful http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Wishing you peace luck & happiness in this new year

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, Thanos.

You had a very frightening experience. Glad you are okay.

Glad, too, that you are re-committing to sobriety.

Have you thought about what you could do differently this time? Do you have a plan in place; do you have face to face support?

Thanos

Thank you Wolf, that is certainly good advice. I can accept now that I cannot drink safely in any amount, and being a committed non-drinker no longer sounds dreadful, it sounds fantastic. With support I intend to keep this in mind as distance grows from this latest debacle.

Thanks also SoberLeigh - this time I am trying to use a different mindset. Past attempts have usually failed when the old AV crept back in. I read a couple of books that gave me some positive ideas about confronting withdrawal and will be implementing those techniques (Allan Carr's "easyway" and Rational Recovery).

I will also be attending AA meetings. There's a pretty awesome group I found that has a meeting at lunchtime near (but not TOO near) my office.

I know all these methods are sort of divergent and maybe contradictory but right now I am grabbing from everything to make it work.

Dee74

Welcome back Thanos

D

SoberLeigh

Sounds great and very proactive.

Don't forget to keep SR in your toolbox.

Thanos

Thanks Dee. Yes SoberLeigh, I should have mentioned that I have been glued to SR the last few days, it has really helped, and I will be here daily to get support from my fellow life-changers!

Hevyn

Thanos, That sort of thing happened to me at the end of my drinking days & it was terrifying. Every time I drank I put myself in danger - there was no control anymore. So much safer and easier to stop pretending we can control ourselves. Glad you are back with us.

LBrain

welcome back Thanos, I hope you are ready to do this for good. You already know what needs to be done. And if you ever are doubting yourself or feel anxious - come here first before you drink.