MattAbroad

Hi all,
I haven't had a drink since 8/4/14, and have accomplished this mostly through daily attendance at AA meetings, trying to get more physically fit through running and mentally/emotionally fit through prayer and meditation. I've gone through phases of selective memory where I have temporarily forgotten all of the negatives that came from my drinking, trying to convince myself that I could control it, but I have usually been able to snap out of it and remember that I have a problem. These episodes have usually come in response to "positive" triggering events, like social get-togethers and celebrations. The last few days, in response to some relatively minor negative events, the almost overwhelming desire to drink has returned over and over, and I feel like I am getting really close to walking over to the store and getting a bottle. The rationalization that I'm doing in my mind is basically, I just want to numb out for a one night and get out of my head, that I have learned a lot of stuff in the last five months that I won't just forget by drinking one time. Honestly, the main thing keeping me from doing it is that I don't want to go through the embarrassment of changing my sobriety date and telling people I drank. I hate that I can't drink now without it being a "relapse." I don't know what I'm looking for from anyone reading, I just know that it helps to write this stuff down and get it out.

Findingtheway

I get it. I had 3 hard earned months. And gave in to the thoughts you just described.

2 horrid drinking episodes later...and I'm here again.

I'd urge you to not pick it up. It's harder and harder to put it down.

Soberpotamus

How is numbing out for a night going to benefit you? Have you considered mentally numbing out via meditation, a massage, or riding a rollercoaster?

FreeOwl

Yeah that happened to me too. First time I relapsed was about 5.5 months. Happened around that time this time round too, but I got through it and things got easier. Keep on the path!

Anna

When I feel a need to numb out, I bury myself in a good book. It works for me.

I understand your thinking, but if it was me, and I drank once at the end of 5 months, that would only be the beginning. I know my AV would start in on me and I be obsessed with thoughts of drinking or not drinking.

enfinthechange

Poor you, the bastard drink wants you to throw away your prize of sobriety... I haven't done that long in one go, but was so gutted to chuck in 67 days... I drank for a few months to kind of back up my descision, but actually I just pissed away my summer and damaged my health, increased my anxiety and got fat. bummer. I could have been well on my way to a year now. Be strong. Don't throw it in and goto zero... DONT!!!!

SoberLeigh

Keep doing what you have been doing - go to AA, pray, meditate. Do you have a sponsor; enlist his help.

Stay close to SR; read, post and reply.

Do something positive; volunteer even if just for a day; it could provide a change in perspective.

Pay the tape forward; drinking today will likely bring misery tomorrow and possibly much worse.

I came the closest to caving exactly where you are now. I am so thankful that I did not. My bet is that you will, too.

You have done really well, MA.

Carlotta

Have you worked the steps yet? If not I'd suggest you get started and if yes, go back to step 1-3 and if you have taken notes and put things in writing re read what you wrote. If you have not done any step work and your memory is failing you, maybe reading the posts you wrote on SR will jog it up and remind you of why you quit in the first place.

Good luck

Janis

I am five days sober from that same thought pattern. I did do one night and numb out and it was a success but it was so successful that a month or two later I did it again. Then another two months went by and I did it again. Suddenly though the time between sober and drunk got shorter because "I could handle it". I mean clearly through those actions I was in control.
Fast forward to now which is less than a year later. I lost my house, my partner and my sobriety. I was drinking every day after work. Once I started to lose things alcohol had already taken control again. I was round the clock drinking for about three days. But God had other plans for me because I was ready to give in to alcohol but I ended up getting sober again.
I understand how you feel and I was just there myself. It's not worth it and you never know what might happen.
Be well and you're in my thoughts. Good for you for not picking up! Don't be me!

Soberwolf

Hi Mattabroad try this http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

Dont give up i had my last craving at month 5 i sat there and did not drink i wanted to and i also didnt want to throw my 5 months away it was tough but im now coming up for 18 months

dont throw it away you got us bud

ANewDayNYC

Alcohol is progressive, and its not worth throwing your sobriety away. 5 months is great, you can do this.

Dee74

Hi matt

yeah this is something that used to happen to me too. I'd been sober for two months and I figured one night 'off' couldn't hurt and I'd be straight back on the ball the next morning.

'Next morning' turned out to be two and a half years later.

Those two and a half years were some of the most self destructive I experienced.

Our addiction lies Matt. Full stop.
Don't give it the time of day

D

Ethos23

You say that you won't forget what you've learned over the months from drinking "one time." If you could limit it to one time, you wouldn't have a problem with alcohol. Try to get to the root of your issue. What triggered you? What continues to trigger you? Is it stress, fatigue, or boredom? I see alcohol as a problem-magnifier. It will make any problem worse once it is introduce. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is ride this out, and try to determine the root cause. It will re-train you to learn how to handle such situations without alcohol. It will give you confidence and train you that you do not need the bottle.

Speaking of running, that has been my foundation in my own recovery. I know that if I overtrain (or take too many days off) I get stressed which is a huge trigger. When I really enjoy the my runs, when I'm just letting go and connecting with my environment I feel no urge to drink whatsoever.

I wish you the best.

Confuzd

I went thru this at about 4 months sober. I didn't exactly "forget" the negative consequences of my drinking, but somehow they did not seem as "bad" after some time passed. Here is what worked for me to get thru this:
-Sharing with others at AA, in meetings and one on one. I shared about my urge to drink to anyone who would listen, most shared with me how they got thru similar situations and I felt less alone
-Reading the Big Book, especially the chapter "More About Alcoholism"
-Going to bed early, spending 12 hours in bed if necessary, at least it kept me from going to get booze
-Watching funny TV shows/movies to get my mind off booze
-I reminded myself that I do not have to drink anymore. Just because you have an urge to drink, doesn't mean you have to act on it.

Creekryder

Hang in there! Don't even concern yourself with embarrassment. Embarrassment only turns your face red for a moment. Returning to the bottle will turn your life black.
Take 12 deep breaths, give yourself a pat on the back, shout how great it is to not be chained to an addiction, and go to the mirror and smile...
...at that great person grinning back at you. That's the face of a champ!

LBrain

I wanted to drink at 6 months, and 11 months and right near my one year date - xmas new year.

But I didn't. I sometimes have to remind myself why I quit in the first place. I don't ever want to drink again. And if the thought to drink crosses my mind I kick it out.