I've been so depressed lately....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
I've been so depressed lately....
Can one try to hard for recovery? I feel like I'm now obsessing over recovery. All of my thoughts lately are about this site or self help books.
Even though I know I'm happier away from my A then when I'm with him I still can not stop wondering where he is or if he's drinking or who he's with. I'm jealous of the other women that he's with. The females that he goes out with are usually young, never been married and have no children. They have no real responsibilities. They have fun together which is something he use to say to me. You used to be fun when we first met. why can't you just relax and have fun with me - meaning I'm not fun if I don't drink with him or be with him and have fun when he is drinking. He always throws it in my face that the other women think he's fun and charming and doesn't see where the problem is. He says I'm always bitching at him and that's why he drinks so he doesn't have to deal with me or now it's he's drinking because I don't want to be with him anymore.
When he was sober for the 30 days last month I wasn't really there for him and now I feel guilty that maybe it is my fault for his drinking again. Could it be my fault? He is so angry at me right now. Could it be that I didn't give him what he wanted which was me getting back together with him? I get so confused. I know he lies and manipulates but I still tend to believe him anyway. I guess I feel unlovable and feel like he treats others better than me because there's something wrong with me.
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this again. I feel like I'm going backwards in my recovery than forward. I was doing fine until I found out that he's drinking again and spending the night all week with his new girlfriend. What's wrong with me that he has to treat me so badly? Maybe I just think too much. I know that I have alot to be thankful for. I never thought of myself as not liking myself or having little self esteem. There is somthing inside of me that attracts me to alcoholics and I go from one obession or addiction to another. Anorexia then addicted to my addict and now a spending addiction.
I know in this post I'm jumping all around but that's how it feels in my head. Maybe I need to adjust the medication that I'm on. I don't know. I feel soooooo depressed all over again. Last night I cried for hours just balling my eyes out.
I have a problem with acceptance. I have a mental block up were Mark's concerned. I feel used by him. I try to forgive him but I don't think I have. I still feel very angry and hurt. I put him up so high on this pedestal like he was God or something. There wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him. I loved him with every inch of my being and I hate him for what he has done to us and our family. There I said it. I couldn't say it before because I thought I was a bad person or someone would think i was a bad person for saying something like that. He **** on me time and time again so why can't I move past him. After all that he has done I still turn my head and make excuses for his behaviour and actions. I must have little or no self-esteem to allow someone to treat me like that.
Why do i care who he's with? I should be glad that it's someone other than me. God has opened the door for me to have my own life and to be happy why can't I walk through?
Sorry this is so long but I'm a mess today.
Galnva
[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited May 15, 2002).]
Even though I know I'm happier away from my A then when I'm with him I still can not stop wondering where he is or if he's drinking or who he's with. I'm jealous of the other women that he's with. The females that he goes out with are usually young, never been married and have no children. They have no real responsibilities. They have fun together which is something he use to say to me. You used to be fun when we first met. why can't you just relax and have fun with me - meaning I'm not fun if I don't drink with him or be with him and have fun when he is drinking. He always throws it in my face that the other women think he's fun and charming and doesn't see where the problem is. He says I'm always bitching at him and that's why he drinks so he doesn't have to deal with me or now it's he's drinking because I don't want to be with him anymore.
When he was sober for the 30 days last month I wasn't really there for him and now I feel guilty that maybe it is my fault for his drinking again. Could it be my fault? He is so angry at me right now. Could it be that I didn't give him what he wanted which was me getting back together with him? I get so confused. I know he lies and manipulates but I still tend to believe him anyway. I guess I feel unlovable and feel like he treats others better than me because there's something wrong with me.
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this again. I feel like I'm going backwards in my recovery than forward. I was doing fine until I found out that he's drinking again and spending the night all week with his new girlfriend. What's wrong with me that he has to treat me so badly? Maybe I just think too much. I know that I have alot to be thankful for. I never thought of myself as not liking myself or having little self esteem. There is somthing inside of me that attracts me to alcoholics and I go from one obession or addiction to another. Anorexia then addicted to my addict and now a spending addiction.
I know in this post I'm jumping all around but that's how it feels in my head. Maybe I need to adjust the medication that I'm on. I don't know. I feel soooooo depressed all over again. Last night I cried for hours just balling my eyes out.
I have a problem with acceptance. I have a mental block up were Mark's concerned. I feel used by him. I try to forgive him but I don't think I have. I still feel very angry and hurt. I put him up so high on this pedestal like he was God or something. There wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for him. I loved him with every inch of my being and I hate him for what he has done to us and our family. There I said it. I couldn't say it before because I thought I was a bad person or someone would think i was a bad person for saying something like that. He **** on me time and time again so why can't I move past him. After all that he has done I still turn my head and make excuses for his behaviour and actions. I must have little or no self-esteem to allow someone to treat me like that.
Why do i care who he's with? I should be glad that it's someone other than me. God has opened the door for me to have my own life and to be happy why can't I walk through?
Sorry this is so long but I'm a mess today.
Galnva
[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited May 15, 2002).]
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Galnva
You are going through a grieving and painful time right now, and letting the emotions out can be healthy. It is hard to lose those we love, whether through death, distance or addiction. It is only after acknowledging the pain that we can begin to heal.
Like you, I can become somewhat obsessed with my recovery, but often I need to hang on for dear life to all the good stuff that I know comes with it.
But sometimes I just need a break from all of this, my son's disease, my disease and analyzing both.
That's when I read a book - not a "recovery book" but just something enjoyable and comforting. A simple novel, a book of humourous stories, (I try to stay away from biographies - can't handle yet another life).
Or I call a friend who is healthy but not affected by any of my stuff and we just go out and have fun. Dinner, a movie, art shows, antiqueing, anything that is just fun.
Sometimes we have to find a safe healthy place where we can just enjoy the real world and there are so many good things to do and see that have nothing to do with our disease.
Sometimes focusing on our recovery is NOT the place to be. Sometimes it is too painful. Part of our recovery is having fun, learning to enjoy the beauty of the world again, being with people in places where we can just be ourselves.
Try doing something, even some small thing, today for at least one hour, that is fun. Then take notice of how you feel after the hour is over - even feeling a little better is a good sign.
Hope this helps in some small way.
Hugs
You are going through a grieving and painful time right now, and letting the emotions out can be healthy. It is hard to lose those we love, whether through death, distance or addiction. It is only after acknowledging the pain that we can begin to heal.
Like you, I can become somewhat obsessed with my recovery, but often I need to hang on for dear life to all the good stuff that I know comes with it.
But sometimes I just need a break from all of this, my son's disease, my disease and analyzing both.
That's when I read a book - not a "recovery book" but just something enjoyable and comforting. A simple novel, a book of humourous stories, (I try to stay away from biographies - can't handle yet another life).
Or I call a friend who is healthy but not affected by any of my stuff and we just go out and have fun. Dinner, a movie, art shows, antiqueing, anything that is just fun.
Sometimes we have to find a safe healthy place where we can just enjoy the real world and there are so many good things to do and see that have nothing to do with our disease.
Sometimes focusing on our recovery is NOT the place to be. Sometimes it is too painful. Part of our recovery is having fun, learning to enjoy the beauty of the world again, being with people in places where we can just be ourselves.
Try doing something, even some small thing, today for at least one hour, that is fun. Then take notice of how you feel after the hour is over - even feeling a little better is a good sign.
Hope this helps in some small way.
Hugs
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I am with Ann...sometimes recovery can be a bit overwelming...and it can seem as tho you are obsessing. But during times of growth, or times of great change that is where I, personally, need to be. During the calmer times, I tend to let it all go. I took a break that amount to a few years...but that was after ALOT of work and change in me...my son wasn't at home...and I rested. There can be alot of turmoil when you begin recovery.
I know I tend to obsess less when I am busy..and I also agree that a nice escape is sometimes in order...like a good(non recovery) book or a night out with the girls.
My HP drew me back into the fold not long ago and I am grateful he did because alot has happened...but I know I can't work my program at this intensity every day for the rest of my life. There will be times of rest, again.
Oh and one more thing....YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIM TO DRINK!!!! (YES I AM YELLING!!) Did you drop him head first into a barrel of BUD?
Even if you did...those ducks are pretty strong swimmers...
Love, JT
[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited May 15, 2002).]
I know I tend to obsess less when I am busy..and I also agree that a nice escape is sometimes in order...like a good(non recovery) book or a night out with the girls.
My HP drew me back into the fold not long ago and I am grateful he did because alot has happened...but I know I can't work my program at this intensity every day for the rest of my life. There will be times of rest, again.
Oh and one more thing....YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIM TO DRINK!!!! (YES I AM YELLING!!) Did you drop him head first into a barrel of BUD?
Even if you did...those ducks are pretty strong swimmers...
Love, JT
[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited May 15, 2002).]
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Oh Gal, I can identify with your feelings. This recovery stuff is an up and down ride. I agree with JT and Anns, maybe you need a break. I can relate to going from one addicted person to an addictive behavior. We are working out why we do these things and I think one day we will understand.
It seems like the part of recovery you are in is really tough. To be alone, and to be moving forward, and doing the right things is not fun, but maybe necessary.
He wants you to go back to being a child. You know how to have fun and it doesnt have anything to do with drinking and hanging out etc. You are the same fun person, but you have grown and he is still stuck in his addiction.
I understand a period of depression, I go through it fairly often. Remember that the depression itself colors how you think. I try to tell myself that so that I can realize that things are probably not as bad as they seem.
Hang in there, you are right where you need to be. The depression will lift and you will feel joy again. Take care ((((Gal)))
It seems like the part of recovery you are in is really tough. To be alone, and to be moving forward, and doing the right things is not fun, but maybe necessary.
He wants you to go back to being a child. You know how to have fun and it doesnt have anything to do with drinking and hanging out etc. You are the same fun person, but you have grown and he is still stuck in his addiction.
I understand a period of depression, I go through it fairly often. Remember that the depression itself colors how you think. I try to tell myself that so that I can realize that things are probably not as bad as they seem.
Hang in there, you are right where you need to be. The depression will lift and you will feel joy again. Take care ((((Gal)))
Guest
Posts: n/a
Galnva,
I have been in the place you are in. It takes time to work it all through. For me there were issues from my past I had to work through. When I finally faced these issues, I know longer got involved with an unhealthy relationship. There was nothing I could have done to speed up the process. The issues just surfaced when I was ready to handle them.
You are in recovery, even if it doesn't feel like it. I remember thinking that I was doomed to be depressed the rest of my life. I had tried everything to get better and nothing helped. The years of pain I went through made me strong enough to face the real issues of abuse I had experienced when I was a child.
You just have to take it a day at a time and not pressure yourself to recover faster. Try to take a break and try to enjoy as much as you can. Your emotions will adjust as you get used to these new situations in your life. Don't judge yourself for having these feelings. Your A has put you through a lot. Letting go is a process.
It is harder for you because you have to continue to see him. If you could break it off completely it would be easier to deal with. It's hard when you know everything he is doing. You are doing really well with all these things going on in your life. You are doing better than I did when I went through it. So give yourself a pat on the back for being so strong. You did not cause any of your A's problems. He is responsible for his own choices. He is blaming you so that he doesn't have to take responsibility. If you weren't in the picture he would find someone else to blame.
Don't be to hard on yourself for overspending right now. You have a large gap in you right now that feels like it needs to be filled with something. I overeat when I feel this way. Everyone does something.
Well, forgive me for the book I just wrote. Keep posting and sharing your feelings. I can relate to everything you are going through.
Hugs,
MG
I have been in the place you are in. It takes time to work it all through. For me there were issues from my past I had to work through. When I finally faced these issues, I know longer got involved with an unhealthy relationship. There was nothing I could have done to speed up the process. The issues just surfaced when I was ready to handle them.
You are in recovery, even if it doesn't feel like it. I remember thinking that I was doomed to be depressed the rest of my life. I had tried everything to get better and nothing helped. The years of pain I went through made me strong enough to face the real issues of abuse I had experienced when I was a child.
You just have to take it a day at a time and not pressure yourself to recover faster. Try to take a break and try to enjoy as much as you can. Your emotions will adjust as you get used to these new situations in your life. Don't judge yourself for having these feelings. Your A has put you through a lot. Letting go is a process.
It is harder for you because you have to continue to see him. If you could break it off completely it would be easier to deal with. It's hard when you know everything he is doing. You are doing really well with all these things going on in your life. You are doing better than I did when I went through it. So give yourself a pat on the back for being so strong. You did not cause any of your A's problems. He is responsible for his own choices. He is blaming you so that he doesn't have to take responsibility. If you weren't in the picture he would find someone else to blame.
Don't be to hard on yourself for overspending right now. You have a large gap in you right now that feels like it needs to be filled with something. I overeat when I feel this way. Everyone does something.
Well, forgive me for the book I just wrote. Keep posting and sharing your feelings. I can relate to everything you are going through.
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Thanks everyone - you guys really have a way of making me feel better.
Moving on without the man I expected to spend the rest of my life with is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm so confused about my feelings toward him. I have a really hard time identifying my feelings. We never spoke about feelings when I was a child so I was never taught. I try to go back to my childhood so that I can find the underlying problem but I have problems remembering that far back.
I do do things - fun things for myself. like, going out to dinner and a movie with my girlfriends. I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago, My kids and I are going to Cape Hatteras, Nc. this weekend - camping. But, even though I do these things I still think of and about him. I'm thinking about how screwed up I am. It justs seems like I can't get away from it. I try to hide but it follows me where ever I go.
I've been trying all day to think about something else as soon as I start thinking about Mark. If I hear a song that reminds me of him then I turn the song off and when I start to wonder what he's doing I think about my kids instead. I'm feeling a little better.
Everyone's words of wisdom helps me get thru the day. Thank you so much for being here and caring about me. I don't have anyone really that I can talk to other than you guys. My mom just doesn't understand and plus she makes me feel worse. She's full of what if's, could of's, or should of's. My friends really don't understand either. I have one friend that's in a marriage that her husband is also an alcoholic and a control freak - she's in denial.
I tend to write books too when I post here.
I love you guys.
Thanks,
Galnva
Moving on without the man I expected to spend the rest of my life with is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm so confused about my feelings toward him. I have a really hard time identifying my feelings. We never spoke about feelings when I was a child so I was never taught. I try to go back to my childhood so that I can find the underlying problem but I have problems remembering that far back.
I do do things - fun things for myself. like, going out to dinner and a movie with my girlfriends. I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago, My kids and I are going to Cape Hatteras, Nc. this weekend - camping. But, even though I do these things I still think of and about him. I'm thinking about how screwed up I am. It justs seems like I can't get away from it. I try to hide but it follows me where ever I go.
I've been trying all day to think about something else as soon as I start thinking about Mark. If I hear a song that reminds me of him then I turn the song off and when I start to wonder what he's doing I think about my kids instead. I'm feeling a little better.
Everyone's words of wisdom helps me get thru the day. Thank you so much for being here and caring about me. I don't have anyone really that I can talk to other than you guys. My mom just doesn't understand and plus she makes me feel worse. She's full of what if's, could of's, or should of's. My friends really don't understand either. I have one friend that's in a marriage that her husband is also an alcoholic and a control freak - she's in denial.
I tend to write books too when I post here.
I love you guys.
Thanks,
Galnva
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