upminer

Hi there my name is Mike I'm 30 years old. A little history about my problem first before I ask for thoughts....

I started drinking at 21 actually a few beers here and there. I started daily drinking when I started my current job looking back it was more that "everyone" did... My wife always wanted to "go out" and I usually was the one who embarrassed her I never got mean or sick but I always drank too much and "ruined it" for her.... My drinking continued and progressively had gotten worse I never tried to quit and she never said anything just kept beer around. I realized I wanted to make a change this summer.i planned a camping trip for my family on my vacation. Well my wife's family (who don't like me at all) was camping elsewhere and my wife wanted to camp with them and of course bought me a 30 pack for the trip. Of course I drank it and the trip ended up with her ******* of a father threatening to beat me up if I didn't quit drinking, you know to be the pillar of a man this guy is, because he doesn't drink, but threatens his son in law with violence.... Anyways I think this caused me to want to "show him" and kept me drinking... Why do people think threats help? So for the next three months I kept at it. Until November 7th. I got up for work with my usual headache from the night before. I simply looked in the mirror and said "F it I'm done" so I've been alcohol free since. My wife is not supportive. She still buys beer for herself and has offered it to me she is not a daily drinker... She plans bar trips with her family leaving me behind to watch our son on days off knowing I'm sick of sitting at home... Before I gladly did because i could sit there and get drunk. Now she doesn't understand why I want to have a social life all of a sudden I've begged her to do more with me and less of bars with her sisters to no avail. Now I will say that the first two weeks I was completely sober and water and soda just didn't cut it. I went to buy beer and chose odouls instead. It's completely kept me off wanting to buy anything else. I was a drinker by habit apparently more than a chemical addiction. I have and continue to have no desire to become the man I was by consuming alcohol but the NA hits the spot after a day at work and I don't drink nearly as much of them as I did beer. It works for me sure doesn't work for most and I'm not advocating NA or asking for opinions on it. I'm a firm believer that if something works for someone that is what they need. So I know I'm rambling but I'm 5 days from two months and two things bother me.... #1 is that my wife resents me quitting and wanting her to do things with me instead of sitting around the house while she "goes out" with other people and #2 her and others ignorant comments on me ordering an odouls she rolls her eyes, Co workers crack jokes, store clerks crack jokes I mean shouldn't finding a solution to a problem not being ridicule? Any thoughts? And please don't give me anti NA comments it's working for me at this moment. I feel good about where I am and the outlook for my future. It's just looking more and more like a divorce is in the cards..... Never thought my wife would be like this she doesn't want me to drink yet doesn't want me to drink NA beers and wants me to sit at home while she Perseus her social life......

ClearEyes24

first of all- kudos to you for realizing at the age of 30 that you want a different life for yourself. So many people are in denial for years and years and literally waste those years drinking and being hungover. It sounds as if you and your spouse are in different places in life and that she doesn't understand that you have a real problem and have the maturity, guts and wisdom to do something about it. NA works for me too btw-nothing to be ashamed of, just the opposite. People who crack jokes or care what you drink may have a problem with alcohol themselves. You doing something about your problem makes them uncomfortable about their own drinking, do the ridiculing tries to mask this fact. Best of luck to you- stay close to SR, consider AA?, read as much as you can about what to expect.

BernieE

What kind of support have you built for yourself, Mike? From your post it looks like you're doing this solo, and that's so difficult! Hang around here, go to AA if you're so inclined and/or get some counseling, and shift your focus to yourself. Sounds selfish but it's what you need to do while you get some sober footing under you. Not drinking is the first step. Now you have to dig a little deeper and get to know yourself.

I don't have a lot of experience with this, I'm only a week ahead of you, and my H drinks daily and often a lot, so we've got that in common. This I know for certain: I can only change myself.

Welcome to SR, hang around, you WILL find lots of support here.

Anewyear

Congrats to you! I can't wait to get to two months! I totally agree that if people are putting you down for Na (which I agree is not bad) it's because the are uncomfortable with their drinking and you not drinking reminds them of that.
(Ex. I have one friend (wind drinker like me) and every time it mentioned in past stopping or cutting back-always tried to talk me out of it. Did it on nye to me too. Thus, me starting on NYD because I caved to what she said.) so, be strong, you are doing amazing, drink your NA if it works for you and ignore people's thoughts.
It does sound like maybe you need to talk to your wife about supporting you though. That's really hard.

upminer

AA.... No thanks. It goes back to the whatever works for you thing... I don't feel I have a disease i made bad choices knowing the consequence each time. I do believe had I kept going I would have developed the disease though. I am also not opposed to it either. Other than that I'm on my own I guess that's why I'm here. I really appreciate the comments

Kero

Congrats on starting at age 30 and 2 months. It took me 10+ years of drinking to come to grips with it.

Non alcoholics just don't get it sometimes. Some of us just have no "off" switch to stop the drinking. My wife sometimes talks about getting back to "normal". Well, "normal" is me drinking myself into blackouts. I can't drink in moderation, which is really what people want but some of us just can't. 1 drink leads to 10... etc.

People who can drink and stop just don't get it. We're simply not in control around booze. Countless people including myself have tried moderation and it always leads back to problem drinking.

Kero

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upminer

The thing that I don't understand about my wife is she doesn't want me drinking anything including NA she says it pointless and a waste of money. She doesn't have a problem with drinking she rarely drinks at home and goes out at least once a month. The thing that gets me is that as time goes on I see that she wants to play both sides of the fence. She liked to have her own little social life and have me sit at home and while i was drinking she still wants me to sit at home but I sure don't I want to live the life I wasn't while I was drinking and that includes getting out of the house...... She won't give up going out at all... I don't mind once in a while or when I have to work but when she makes plans when I'm off and leaves me sitting alone it's gettig frustratingly

upminer

So right kero it took me a long time to realize I'm not one of those who can just "have a few" it's all in or none. I can drink about 4 NA in a sitting and I get full. I don't do that daily but when I stop to think about it that drinking behavior still lives in me that I always have to have a beverage in my hand and I'll drink one after another. I'm just fortunate that the NA works for now because I understand that if I can still drink 4 drinks in a sitting like that I can't have just one beer.... There is no off switch I just have to drink something else but I still drink the same way whether it's NA or water or whatever.

Soberwolf

Hi Mike i got sober at 31 im 32 now near 18 months sober

Welcome to Sober Recovery bud youl find a lot of support

Well done on 2 months that is exellent

upminer

I sure appreciate the support I feel like I'm unloading a lot here but it feels good to get it out

upminer

Posted 3 times.... Not sure why lol

upminer

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matilda123

Welcome, upminer! While I don't have these dynamics in my current relationship, I definitely did in a previous one. One thing that was true for me, and may or may not be for your wife, is that while I hated my previous partner's drinking, there was, way down deep, a part of me that found comfort in it because, at that time, my drinking hadn't progressed to the stage that his has. That is, at the time I had a sneaking suspicion that my drinking was becoming a problem, but I could brush it off because, compared to my partner's, it wasn't "bad" at all, or so I would tell myself.

Even if your partner doesn't have a drinking issue (or a developing one) when people recover it can make family members nervous, even if your sobriety is the thing they think they most desire. Sobriety changes the dynamics in the family, requiring the negotiation and drawing of new boundaries and new expectations, among other things. In my mind these are amazing opportunities, but they can be scary ones for some too.

jryan19982

I am 32. Glad more people our age are coming to realize this is a real problem with our generation. It started in HS for me and got worse in college. Then after college I could take it or leave it. Then a few years after college I started to drink here and there and could moderate. Then it seemed like everyone was going out most days after work and grabbing a drink before going home. I work in a downtown area with at least 20 bars around me within a miles walk. It just seems like its the thing to do... go out drink and go home. But for me, I didnt stop when I got home. I tied more off and well that lead to my problem.

As for your wife upminer, I'm not sure what you can do at the moment when you are both in different places with drinking. I am glad you are sticking to your guns though, and I hope in time she will realize what you are doing is a good thing. Maybe plan a date night with her, and really talk about this over dinner or something. Or maybe on the first date night, just go out and see if it comes up, if it doesnt dont force it. Then on a second date night, go for it.

Rowdy

My opinion is you have two issues that intertwine. Alcohol and your relationship. You are doing a great job on the alcohol front and congratulations! The relationship has to come from both sides. Have you been communicating to your partner? Have you thought about having both of you talk to a counselor? You and your partner need to find common ground to help each other. Again, congratulations on almost two months! Fantastic work.

--Rowdy

upminer

I have planned 3 "date nights" #1 got cancelled because she "had" to go shopping with her sister, #2 got was changed from a date to a trip to Walmart because she "needed" things and #3 was "I've already got plans to go to the bar with my sisters and you have to work anyways (pulled strings to get New Years off after telling her I was doing that multiple times well before "plans" we're made)......

upminer

I've tried to communicate everything I've said here and all I hear is how NA is stupid and a waste of money why can't I drink water she doesn't go out that much make date plans and she'll go (see above what happened) or my favorite go be the dd for her and her sisters..... No I don't want to go to a bar watching you all get drunk and making fun of me calling me a ***** for drinking NA or an alcoholic....

Kero

That's just bad advice. You are quitting alcohol, not quitting drinking. My poison was always the hard stuff mixed with pop/soda. I quit the booze, but still drink a lot of pop. I'm on my 4th Diet Cola today already. One time I quit and tried to quit everything but water and it didn't go well. NA drinks are perfectly fine and recommended by many.

upminer

That's exactly why I failed before why I nearly failed now when I stop to think about it from 10 years old I always had a coke in my hand late teens it was coffee and or red bull then the beer I finally realized I just needed to do what I could do to keep from alcohol the rest doesn't matter. When I think of how I was starting to plan out having water on my nightstand and excerin to go as well as a redbull right there just to start the day I mean the effort I put in TO drink.... For what?