Working through this mess called my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Working through this mess called my life.
Hi everyone I haven't been on for months. My father who is my backbone in my life passed away suddenly and unexpectantly . When I got the phone call all I can remember was screaming and the screams still haunt me like everything else. I am firm in my belief and understand the whys and what happens at death. But I could not be prepared for the pain and anguish of it all.
When I got the call I knew I was unable to drive. I called STBXAH he rushed to my side and has not been gone since. He has been unbelievable wonderful through it all. We even agreed I was in no shape to be working and he would take care of everything until I am ready.
So here I am coming out of the fog and although he has been wonderful and telling me he sees things differently and making changes, the changes he is making is only a small fraction of what I want overall. I am sorry if I sound selfish but I want more or nothing at all from him or anyone.
He sat and drank 8 beers or more and passed out on the chair last night (which has been a first in a long time) but I don't want to continue to always wonder in the back of my head.
My father's death has changed me too and i don't want to be on the addiction roller coaster or even the theme park. I worked really hard on myself and don't want to deal with toxic people anymore.
I am very angry and pissed off and the thought of dealing with someone with addictions while my father who was an honorable man loved my mom and always took care of her is gone from a heart attack pisses me off.
I'm trying to get my bearings again but I am just so lost of how to begin all over. Any thoughts anyone??
When I got the call I knew I was unable to drive. I called STBXAH he rushed to my side and has not been gone since. He has been unbelievable wonderful through it all. We even agreed I was in no shape to be working and he would take care of everything until I am ready.
So here I am coming out of the fog and although he has been wonderful and telling me he sees things differently and making changes, the changes he is making is only a small fraction of what I want overall. I am sorry if I sound selfish but I want more or nothing at all from him or anyone.
He sat and drank 8 beers or more and passed out on the chair last night (which has been a first in a long time) but I don't want to continue to always wonder in the back of my head.
My father's death has changed me too and i don't want to be on the addiction roller coaster or even the theme park. I worked really hard on myself and don't want to deal with toxic people anymore.
I am very angry and pissed off and the thought of dealing with someone with addictions while my father who was an honorable man loved my mom and always took care of her is gone from a heart attack pisses me off.
I'm trying to get my bearings again but I am just so lost of how to begin all over. Any thoughts anyone??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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Big hugs...I lost my mother at age 64 November 2011. There are no words. You will just have to give it time and time will lesson the pain. While I'm glad for you that your STBEX was there for you when you needed it, it does not obligate you in anyway to go back to the coaster or stroll thru the theme park in any way shape or form. When you're ready, do what you need to in love and move on if that's what you desire. The most important thing will be that you need to go thru the grieving process without shame. Take all the time you need. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am so sorry about the loss of your father. May he rest in peace!
I know how a big trigger like that can drive us back into the arms of our mates. That's as it should be. We left our mates, though, for bigger reasons than the comfort they provide.
All we can do is take it one day at a time. God bless you!
I know how a big trigger like that can drive us back into the arms of our mates. That's as it should be. We left our mates, though, for bigger reasons than the comfort they provide.
All we can do is take it one day at a time. God bless you!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by Katchie 
Big hugs...I lost my mother at age 64 November 2011. There are no words. You will just have to give it time and time will lesson the pain. While I'm glad for you that your STBEX was there for you when you needed it, it does not obligate you in anyway to go back to the coaster or stroll thru the theme park in any way shape or form. When you're ready, do what you need to in love and move on if that's what you desire. The most important thing will be that you need to go thru the grieving process without shame. Take all the time you need. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't want to feel obligated bc he has been there but I do feel that way. I keep going back and forth with my thoughts on it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry for your loss. It's absolutely tragic when you lose someone you truly love.
I agree, just because he saw you through a hard time does not commit you to a life with him. Honestly, just like they need other people for support, I encourage you to seek out other friends and family for the support you need too. I am not trying to sound negative, just thinking that would help you step away a bit.
Tight Hugs.
I agree, just because he saw you through a hard time does not commit you to a life with him. Honestly, just like they need other people for support, I encourage you to seek out other friends and family for the support you need too. I am not trying to sound negative, just thinking that would help you step away a bit.
Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Sending love, Radiant. So very sorry for your loss, and I wish you enormous amounts of peace and discernment in your relationship with stbxah. His help was a gift to you, but no gift should ever come with strings attached. Let yourself grieve without that added burden.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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(((Radiant)))
I'm so sorry about your father's death. Prayers are with you! How are you doing today and what are you doing for yourself?
Breath deeply. There is no right or wrong. Let your emotions come. They are all very natural. You'll figure out what to do. There's no need to do that today.
I'm so sorry about your father's death. Prayers are with you! How are you doing today and what are you doing for yourself?
Breath deeply. There is no right or wrong. Let your emotions come. They are all very natural. You'll figure out what to do. There's no need to do that today.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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I know my family means well but they just don't understand what it is like to be with someone with addictions. I am told over and over again " Take care of your husband b/c if something happened to him you will be sorry" I hate to hear those words. Also everyone tells me you need to feed your husband he is so skinny. durhhhhhhhh I wonder why!!! i just say ok.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I feel ya...
Biggg hugs.
I do this all the time with my STBXAH as well. Every small, halfway attempt he makes at reconciliation, or improving, or heading toward being honest & sober, I have a tendency to blow up into "everything being OK now."
It overshadows all the bad, all the hurt & downright abusiveness I've dealt with. It's so easy to WANT things to be better, for the worst to be over, & then to trick yourself into believing that those tiny, half-assed improvements are really big ones.
Until the next time he gets drunk on the sly & then acts like I'm crazy for calling him out on it, or sneaks around spending money we really don't have, or verbally abuses me with our baby son in my arms.
All this to say...I'm at the same point you are-where giving him yet another chance just isn't something I can survive. Because he's had PLENTY of chances, & hasn't ever taken a one of them.
I would say please, please do what's best & more healthy for you. If you are at the end of your rope, that's not likely to change unless you can focus on yourself. And you can't do that with him around.
Big hugs.
I do this all the time with my STBXAH as well. Every small, halfway attempt he makes at reconciliation, or improving, or heading toward being honest & sober, I have a tendency to blow up into "everything being OK now."
It overshadows all the bad, all the hurt & downright abusiveness I've dealt with. It's so easy to WANT things to be better, for the worst to be over, & then to trick yourself into believing that those tiny, half-assed improvements are really big ones.
Until the next time he gets drunk on the sly & then acts like I'm crazy for calling him out on it, or sneaks around spending money we really don't have, or verbally abuses me with our baby son in my arms.
All this to say...I'm at the same point you are-where giving him yet another chance just isn't something I can survive. Because he's had PLENTY of chances, & hasn't ever taken a one of them.
I would say please, please do what's best & more healthy for you. If you are at the end of your rope, that's not likely to change unless you can focus on yourself. And you can't do that with him around.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Originally Posted by Radiant
I know my family means well but they just don't understand what it is like to be with someone with addictions. I am told over and over again " Take care of your husband b/c if something happened to him you will be sorry" I hate to hear those words. Also everyone tells me you need to feed your husband he is so skinny. durhhhhhhhh I wonder why!!! i just say ok.
I'd probably say nothing, but maybe....
I would if he'd let me.
You're welcome to give that a try.
Only my husband can take care of himself. This is his journey to take. I can't take it for him.
Thank you for caring. This is up to him and God. Your prayers are welcome.
I'm not his sponser, mother, doctor, or counselor. I'm his wife and that isn't up to me.
Hmm. Skinny? I wonder if that could be the alcohol? It's hard to stop someone who's hell-bent on self destruction.
---
Do they know anything about his addiction?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by Radiant
I know my family means well but they just don't understand what it is like to be with someone with addictions. I am told over and over again " Take care of your husband b/c if something happened to him you will be sorry" I hate to hear those words. Also everyone tells me you need to feed your husband he is so skinny. durhhhhhhhh I wonder why!!! i just say ok.
STOP.
BREATHE.
Let yourself feel what you need to feel, take time to do calming slow things like long baths, country walks and sewing/painting or something creative.
But also, there are little things you can do to help handle it all. When I feel overwhelmed and out of control, I find it helps to make a list of everything that is upsetting me and then look at them ONE item at a time. I often find I can do something about lots of the things on my list, leaving the bigger ones for later.
For example, your family, you can start responding with "he's an adult and controls his own food intake" when they badger you about his weight. They may not get it at first, or at all, but at least you'll know you're being clear and putting the responsibility on his shoulders.
Hang in there, you don't have to make decisions about your marriage now, especially when you are grieving. One feeling, one worry at a time.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by mnh1982
Biggg hugs.
I do this all the time with my STBXAH as well. Every small, halfway attempt he makes at reconciliation, or improving, or heading toward being honest & sober, I have a tendency to blow up into "everything being OK now."
It overshadows all the bad, all the hurt & downright abusiveness I've dealt with. It's so easy to WANT things to be better, for the worst to be over, & then to trick yourself into believing that those tiny, half-assed improvements are really big ones.
Until the next time he gets drunk on the sly & then acts like I'm crazy for calling him out on it, or sneaks around spending money we really don't have, or verbally abuses me with our baby son in my arms.
All this to say...I'm at the same point you are-where giving him yet another chance just isn't something I can survive. Because he's had PLENTY of chances, & hasn't ever taken a one of them.
I would say please, please do what's best & more healthy for you. If you are at the end of your rope, that's not likely to change unless you can focus on yourself. And you can't do that with him around.
Big hugs.
I do this all the time with my STBXAH as well. Every small, halfway attempt he makes at reconciliation, or improving, or heading toward being honest & sober, I have a tendency to blow up into "everything being OK now."
It overshadows all the bad, all the hurt & downright abusiveness I've dealt with. It's so easy to WANT things to be better, for the worst to be over, & then to trick yourself into believing that those tiny, half-assed improvements are really big ones.
Until the next time he gets drunk on the sly & then acts like I'm crazy for calling him out on it, or sneaks around spending money we really don't have, or verbally abuses me with our baby son in my arms.
All this to say...I'm at the same point you are-where giving him yet another chance just isn't something I can survive. Because he's had PLENTY of chances, & hasn't ever taken a one of them.
I would say please, please do what's best & more healthy for you. If you are at the end of your rope, that's not likely to change unless you can focus on yourself. And you can't do that with him around.
Big hugs.
Thank you for your comment this is so true. I will meditate on this more.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by shil2587
It sounds like your plate is not only full but overflowing. I hear in your posts that you feel overwhelmed and everything just seems like a huge hurdle.
STOP.
BREATHE.
Let yourself feel what you need to feel, take time to do calming slow things like long baths, country walks and sewing/painting or something creative.
But also, there are little things you can do to help handle it all. When I feel overwhelmed and out of control, I find it helps to make a list of everything that is upsetting me and then look at them ONE item at a time. I often find I can do something about lots of the things on my list, leaving the bigger ones for later.
For example, your family, you can start responding with "he's an adult and controls his own food intake" when they badger you about his weight. They may not get it at first, or at all, but at least you'll know you're being clear and putting the responsibility on his shoulders.
Hang in there, you don't have to make decisions about your marriage now, especially when you are grieving. One feeling, one worry at a time.
STOP.
BREATHE.
Let yourself feel what you need to feel, take time to do calming slow things like long baths, country walks and sewing/painting or something creative.
But also, there are little things you can do to help handle it all. When I feel overwhelmed and out of control, I find it helps to make a list of everything that is upsetting me and then look at them ONE item at a time. I often find I can do something about lots of the things on my list, leaving the bigger ones for later.
For example, your family, you can start responding with "he's an adult and controls his own food intake" when they badger you about his weight. They may not get it at first, or at all, but at least you'll know you're being clear and putting the responsibility on his shoulders.
Hang in there, you don't have to make decisions about your marriage now, especially when you are grieving. One feeling, one worry at a time.
This made me chuckle.. My family just tells me "Radiant he was never taught anything the boy just needs love and you need to understand him. He is different than us and never had someone teach him drugs and alcohol is bad, just give him love and feed the boy and he will change just watch".
gaah and since he has been a great help through all this all they see is his halo for sure.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I'm sorry about the death of your father and your dealing with addiction again.
I am here to support you in whatever you decide to do about the situation.
Your family is clearly speaking from a non-understanding of what addiction is and what it does to the addict and their family.
In the end, you have to take care of Butterfly and don't let guilt stop you from that.
What options do you see for yourself and for him helping himself?
I am here to support you in whatever you decide to do about the situation.
Your family is clearly speaking from a non-understanding of what addiction is and what it does to the addict and their family.
In the end, you have to take care of Butterfly and don't let guilt stop you from that.
What options do you see for yourself and for him helping himself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I'm sorry about the death of your father and your dealing with addiction again.
I am here to support you in whatever you decide to do about the situation.
Your family is clearly speaking from a non-understanding of what addiction is and what it does to the addict and their family.
In the end, you have to take care of Butterfly and don't let guilt stop you from that.
What options do you see for yourself and for him helping himself?
I am here to support you in whatever you decide to do about the situation.
Your family is clearly speaking from a non-understanding of what addiction is and what it does to the addict and their family.
In the end, you have to take care of Butterfly and don't let guilt stop you from that.
What options do you see for yourself and for him helping himself?
Everyone is right this is only temporary and he will resort back to his old ways I needed to hear this.
He told me this experience has changed him and but I think about the other day looking at him passed out on the recliner wow am I a mess aren't I?
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