please, please help me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
please, please help me
I am so full of anger and rage
I can feel it in my chest and if I begin to talk about it out loud I will begin to sob and scream
I have no idea where this is coming from, because my addict/alcoholic ex boyfriend and baby's father has been gone at this rehab for quite some time.
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it. I am so resentful that whenever I speak to him he is out playing pool, giving people rides to see THEIR children when he has come to seen ours once. Spending money on cigarettes and foolish things (denies it) when he hasn't given us a PENNY!! I know he is in rehab and I should be happy. This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why. I am barely able to get up and get out of bed I am so sad and mad. How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I need advice, anything, to get me back to my old state of mind. I am begging all of you. I am so hurt, infuriated, and full of resentment that it is physically hurting me. I verbally attacked him yesterday, which is not like me, expecting for it to help me but he just didn't care one bit. He continued having a fun new years eve with his sober friends while I was here alone with our child taking care of her and loving her like he is supposed to be doing.
I can feel it in my chest and if I begin to talk about it out loud I will begin to sob and scream
I have no idea where this is coming from, because my addict/alcoholic ex boyfriend and baby's father has been gone at this rehab for quite some time.
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it. I am so resentful that whenever I speak to him he is out playing pool, giving people rides to see THEIR children when he has come to seen ours once. Spending money on cigarettes and foolish things (denies it) when he hasn't given us a PENNY!! I know he is in rehab and I should be happy. This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why. I am barely able to get up and get out of bed I am so sad and mad. How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I need advice, anything, to get me back to my old state of mind. I am begging all of you. I am so hurt, infuriated, and full of resentment that it is physically hurting me. I verbally attacked him yesterday, which is not like me, expecting for it to help me but he just didn't care one bit. He continued having a fun new years eve with his sober friends while I was here alone with our child taking care of her and loving her like he is supposed to be doing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi there... Im sorry you are stuffed full of bad feelings, it hurts. Are you not allowing yourself to feel what your feeling on most occasions? I ask this because it's what I do and then I hit an internal boiling point where I feel like I could explode, but even then I don't allow it. This cycle hurts me physically, too, and sounds like what you are doing and experiencing.
I visited my therapist this week who noticed this about me. Here was her suggestion:
Everyday find a safe place to cry for 1 hour -- everyday -- but only for the 1 hour and then put it in a box and put it on the shelf until the next day. She said I need (and obviously you need it too) to let these feelings be felt, but at the same time not to stay stuck in them. The intention is to have healthy emotional release.
Please give this a try. Don't stay bottled up. It DOES hurt you physically and will come out in very unhealthful ways. Be good to yourself!
Hugs
I visited my therapist this week who noticed this about me. Here was her suggestion:
Everyday find a safe place to cry for 1 hour -- everyday -- but only for the 1 hour and then put it in a box and put it on the shelf until the next day. She said I need (and obviously you need it too) to let these feelings be felt, but at the same time not to stay stuck in them. The intention is to have healthy emotional release.
Please give this a try. Don't stay bottled up. It DOES hurt you physically and will come out in very unhealthful ways. Be good to yourself!
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wiltwillow...I can understand how you feel. This is stuff that y ou have probably been repressing for a l ong time...
I can tell you what will give you some immediate release..if you are willing to do it.
Go to someplace away from earshot of others. GO AHEAD AND SOB AND SCREAM.
Say..or scream everything you would like to say to him or her. Call them every vile name...tell them what they deserve...If you can think it..scream it!
Cry and question God. Go ahead. Until you look a mess and the snot is running down.
Until you can't think of anything more...until you are exhausted.
I have done this... I call it the wailing wall. It releases the negative energy and toxicity from your body that has you tied up in knots.
If you want to feel better...do it!
dandylion
I can tell you what will give you some immediate release..if you are willing to do it.
Go to someplace away from earshot of others. GO AHEAD AND SOB AND SCREAM.
Say..or scream everything you would like to say to him or her. Call them every vile name...tell them what they deserve...If you can think it..scream it!
Cry and question God. Go ahead. Until you look a mess and the snot is running down.
Until you can't think of anything more...until you are exhausted.
I have done this... I call it the wailing wall. It releases the negative energy and toxicity from your body that has you tied up in knots.
If you want to feel better...do it!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 83
Thank you all for these posts. I dont want to cry too much around my kids. They are hovering around me which is so sweet. But I need to pull it together. And just find a quiet space to get out my hurt without anyone around.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi Willow,
LET IT OUT. I totally agree with Dandylion that that is the best thing to do. Let it out, let it out, let it out. My therapist suggested driving out the highway to an empty pull-off and then sitting there and screaming and crying for a while. Anger needs to come out or it just eats at you.
That said... my son, who's going through a rough time right now, gave me this illustration that I thought was very helpful:
A is what happens.
B is our interpretation of what happens.
C is our emotional reaction.
When we're depressed (he said), or very upset (I would add), we tend to forget that B exists. We think our emotional reaction is a reaction to something that actually happens, when, in reality, it's a reaction to our interpretation of what happens.
That's what I thought of when I read this:
I've never been in rehab, but I know enough people who have to know that "fun" and "happy" aren't usually words that are batted around in rehab. Rehab is hard. For many reasons. The physical adjustment to not drinking, but also the emotional adjustment when you can no longer dull your feelings by drinking. I've heard more about tears than laughter in rehab -- lots of pain that surfaces when the addict starts realizing, slowly, the mess he has made of his/her own and other people's lives. And no drug to dull the pain.
I'm not saying you are wrong to be angry and you should feel something different. No. You should be feeling exactly what you are feeling. But I think it's easy to feel that it's unfair -- he's got his meals cooked and his days scheduled, and you're there trying to piece together the mess he left behind. And you don't have therapists and buddies who pat you on the back and say "GOOD JOB getting the dishes done!" but he gets people doing that when he just STAYS SOBER, which is what most of the human race does daily anyway.
I get the anger. There's nothing wrong with the anger. I'm just saying that while it's unfair, you can't do anything about either what he's going through OR what he's telling you he's going through.
But you can build your own support system.
Now you have us at SR. We're a mixed bunch who all have that in common that we've loved an alcoholic. Nothing you can say can shock us (pretty much). But we're on the other side of a computer screen. Al-Anon would give you an opportunity to meet other people who will go out for coffee or give you hugs (virtual hugs just don't feel the same!).
Finding the time to go to a meeting when you have kids is hard -- but if you were to call the local Al-Anon contact number, they might be able to help you with suggesting a meeting that would work for you (some even have childcare available during the meeting).
You're right that it's unfair that you don't have support. But I found that the only way to get support was to go out and find it.
LET IT OUT. I totally agree with Dandylion that that is the best thing to do. Let it out, let it out, let it out. My therapist suggested driving out the highway to an empty pull-off and then sitting there and screaming and crying for a while. Anger needs to come out or it just eats at you.
That said... my son, who's going through a rough time right now, gave me this illustration that I thought was very helpful:
A is what happens.
B is our interpretation of what happens.
C is our emotional reaction.
When we're depressed (he said), or very upset (I would add), we tend to forget that B exists. We think our emotional reaction is a reaction to something that actually happens, when, in reality, it's a reaction to our interpretation of what happens.
That's what I thought of when I read this:
he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life
I'm not saying you are wrong to be angry and you should feel something different. No. You should be feeling exactly what you are feeling. But I think it's easy to feel that it's unfair -- he's got his meals cooked and his days scheduled, and you're there trying to piece together the mess he left behind. And you don't have therapists and buddies who pat you on the back and say "GOOD JOB getting the dishes done!" but he gets people doing that when he just STAYS SOBER, which is what most of the human race does daily anyway.
I get the anger. There's nothing wrong with the anger. I'm just saying that while it's unfair, you can't do anything about either what he's going through OR what he's telling you he's going through.
But you can build your own support system.
Now you have us at SR. We're a mixed bunch who all have that in common that we've loved an alcoholic. Nothing you can say can shock us (pretty much). But we're on the other side of a computer screen. Al-Anon would give you an opportunity to meet other people who will go out for coffee or give you hugs (virtual hugs just don't feel the same!).
Finding the time to go to a meeting when you have kids is hard -- but if you were to call the local Al-Anon contact number, they might be able to help you with suggesting a meeting that would work for you (some even have childcare available during the meeting).
You're right that it's unfair that you don't have support. But I found that the only way to get support was to go out and find it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by wiltwillow 
I am so full of anger and rage
I can feel it in my chest and if I begin to talk about it out loud I will begin to sob and scream
I have no idea where this is coming from, because my addict/alcoholic ex boyfriend and baby's father has been gone at this rehab for quite some time.
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it. I am so resentful that whenever I speak to him he is out playing pool, giving people rides to see THEIR children when he has come to seen ours once. Spending money on cigarettes and foolish things (denies it) when he hasn't given us a PENNY!! I know he is in rehab and I should be happy. This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why. I am barely able to get up and get out of bed I am so sad and mad. How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I need advice, anything, to get me back to my old state of mind. I am begging all of you. I am so hurt, infuriated, and full of resentment that it is physically hurting me. I verbally attacked him yesterday, which is not like me, expecting for it to help me but he just didn't care one bit. He continued having a fun new years eve with his sober friends while I was here alone with our child taking care of her and loving her like he is supposed to be doing.
I can feel it in my chest and if I begin to talk about it out loud I will begin to sob and scream
I have no idea where this is coming from, because my addict/alcoholic ex boyfriend and baby's father has been gone at this rehab for quite some time.
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it. I am so resentful that whenever I speak to him he is out playing pool, giving people rides to see THEIR children when he has come to seen ours once. Spending money on cigarettes and foolish things (denies it) when he hasn't given us a PENNY!! I know he is in rehab and I should be happy. This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why. I am barely able to get up and get out of bed I am so sad and mad. How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I need advice, anything, to get me back to my old state of mind. I am begging all of you. I am so hurt, infuriated, and full of resentment that it is physically hurting me. I verbally attacked him yesterday, which is not like me, expecting for it to help me but he just didn't care one bit. He continued having a fun new years eve with his sober friends while I was here alone with our child taking care of her and loving her like he is supposed to be doing.
So what are you doing for you?? That's what THEY ( all the people here) always ask me.
And yes, when my AH calls me and is all happy that he has made friends there and sounds all relaxed and sooo much more healthier... yep it pisses me off. Sure, I'm glad for him. But I am sooo resentful.
Just remember that this time is for YOU too. Take the time while he is gone to work on you. Are you going to al-anon? What are your recovery goals. Just try to detach from his BS for a while... put him "back in the rehab box" as they say to me here. He is there, in a structured environment for a reason...and you are not in there...FOR A REASON.
hugs to you! And it's ok to be mad, I found...just don't let it consume you. Let it motivate you to work on YOU....you don't HAVE to live with this man for the rest of your life...but you do HAVE to live with you!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LILLAMY and FREETOSMILE......such excellent posts!!!
my little two cents....It is for sure that everyone in the family hurts! Everyone. Each in their own way.
The alcoholic....the spouse..the little children...and, sometimes, the dog.
This is called a family disease. It is...and it takes not prisoners!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
my little two cents....It is for sure that everyone in the family hurts! Everyone. Each in their own way.
The alcoholic....the spouse..the little children...and, sometimes, the dog.
This is called a family disease. It is...and it takes not prisoners!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LILLAMY and FREETOSMILE......such excellent posts!!!
my little two cents....It is for sure that everyone in the family hurts! Everyone. Each in their own way.
The alcoholic....the spouse..the little children...and, sometimes, the dog.
Every last one suffers.
This is called a family disease. It is...and it takes noprisoners!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
my little two cents....It is for sure that everyone in the family hurts! Everyone. Each in their own way.
The alcoholic....the spouse..the little children...and, sometimes, the dog.
Every last one suffers.
This is called a family disease. It is...and it takes noprisoners!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
Thank you ALL so much. Although I am still boiling in rage, your posts help to keep me sane. I am beginning to see why people told me to join SR. You all made a difference in my day, and hopefully will continue to do so.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
GREAT post, lillamy!
willow, I agree that it can be irritating to hear someone whose antics made us so miserable sound so darned HAPPY. OTOH, I know when I first got sober, it was just such a RELIEF to feel out of the clutches of alcohol. There's something called the "pink cloud" that a lot of alcoholics experience in early sobriety. It doesn't last forever--in fact, a lot of people feel pretty annoyed/cheated when it fades and REAL LIFE is staring them in the face. I'm absolutely happier now than when I was desperately drinking. But my life is NOT all sunshine and roses all the time--it's just that I can deal with the problems that come a lot more effectively when I'm not hiding at the bottom of a bottle.
So if it's any comfort to you, know that eventually he will either have to settle down and grapple with life on life's terms, or he will go back to drinking. Hopefully it will be the former.
Hugs, and remember--I'm betting he wasn't all that much help when he WAS around, and drinking, was he? At least you don't have to be cleaning up his daily messes while he's away.
Just a few questions--what makes you think his new friends "laugh at" you? And how is he able to give people rides? Is he in an outpatient program?
willow, I agree that it can be irritating to hear someone whose antics made us so miserable sound so darned HAPPY. OTOH, I know when I first got sober, it was just such a RELIEF to feel out of the clutches of alcohol. There's something called the "pink cloud" that a lot of alcoholics experience in early sobriety. It doesn't last forever--in fact, a lot of people feel pretty annoyed/cheated when it fades and REAL LIFE is staring them in the face. I'm absolutely happier now than when I was desperately drinking. But my life is NOT all sunshine and roses all the time--it's just that I can deal with the problems that come a lot more effectively when I'm not hiding at the bottom of a bottle.
So if it's any comfort to you, know that eventually he will either have to settle down and grapple with life on life's terms, or he will go back to drinking. Hopefully it will be the former.
Hugs, and remember--I'm betting he wasn't all that much help when he WAS around, and drinking, was he? At least you don't have to be cleaning up his daily messes while he's away.
Just a few questions--what makes you think his new friends "laugh at" you? And how is he able to give people rides? Is he in an outpatient program?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Wiltwillow, I am so sorry and sad for your pain. My alcoholic mother completely ruined
Christmas, so I get how angry and frustrated that you are feeling. I have been an OCD cleaning and organization freak this week, working off all of my angry energy. It has been so therapeutic and the end product is pretty satisfying, too. Hugs!!!
Christmas, so I get how angry and frustrated that you are feeling. I have been an OCD cleaning and organization freak this week, working off all of my angry energy. It has been so therapeutic and the end product is pretty satisfying, too. Hugs!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Switch it up. Do everything the H hates or whines about while he's away.
Have a pajama picnic with the kids.
Turn the music up and dance wild to whatever stuff you like, then what your kids do.
Let the house go for a weekend and head off to some free hometown event.
My kid kept am eye on me too when the H was in rehab. Many nights we'd camp out in the MBR just reading.
It was exhausting running family life, my job and kicking off recovery. I was too angry to cry. It is good that you can!
Look hard if you are expecting too much out of yourself in this situation.
Peace. Have some fun too!
Have a pajama picnic with the kids.
Turn the music up and dance wild to whatever stuff you like, then what your kids do.
Let the house go for a weekend and head off to some free hometown event.
My kid kept am eye on me too when the H was in rehab. Many nights we'd camp out in the MBR just reading.
It was exhausting running family life, my job and kicking off recovery. I was too angry to cry. It is good that you can!
Look hard if you are expecting too much out of yourself in this situation.
Peace. Have some fun too!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I understand your feelings.
It can be hard not to hold on the that resentment towards them. They brag about how much they are doing, the "fun" they are having. What always brings me back is remembering the mess of it. The physical mess of their drunken accidents, and the mental mess of how miserable they actually are. Most of the time they are putting up a front. Don't let it get to you.
As far as supporting your child, I'm in the same boat. It makes it that much harder not to resent them when you are struggling to keep afloat and take care of and keep your child happy, when they are out doing whatever, and blowing money. The only advice I can give for you on that is to remember that your child sees/feels what you do, and really working on letting those bad feeling go will give you more opportunity to enjoy the time you have with your child. It is something they will appreciate for a life time - a parent to learn from and grow with.
It can be hard not to hold on the that resentment towards them. They brag about how much they are doing, the "fun" they are having. What always brings me back is remembering the mess of it. The physical mess of their drunken accidents, and the mental mess of how miserable they actually are. Most of the time they are putting up a front. Don't let it get to you.
As far as supporting your child, I'm in the same boat. It makes it that much harder not to resent them when you are struggling to keep afloat and take care of and keep your child happy, when they are out doing whatever, and blowing money. The only advice I can give for you on that is to remember that your child sees/feels what you do, and really working on letting those bad feeling go will give you more opportunity to enjoy the time you have with your child. It is something they will appreciate for a life time - a parent to learn from and grow with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sobering up doesn't equal growing up. from his view, not much has changed, you always took care of everything before....so of course you will just continue to do so. he's never had to TRY very hard, always got to skate by with minimal effort (i'm guessing at this....). now he's in sober playland - with new friends and new activities and gee isn't this fun.
if he is going to become a responsible grown up, it will take time. LOTS of time. possibly years. you get to decide how much time YOU want to wait and see. but meanwhile you have to take good care of yourself...
if he is going to become a responsible grown up, it will take time. LOTS of time. possibly years. you get to decide how much time YOU want to wait and see. but meanwhile you have to take good care of yourself...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Switch it up. Do everything the H hates or whines about while he's away.
Have a pajama picnic with the kids.
Turn the music up and dance wild to whatever stuff you like, then what your kids do.
Let the house go for a weekend and head off to some free hometown event.
My kid kept am eye on me too when the H was in rehab. Many nights we'd camp out in the MBR just reading.
It was exhausting running family life, my job and kicking off recovery. I was too angry to cry. It is good that you can!
Look hard if you are expecting too much out of yourself in this situation.
Peace. Have some fun too!
Have a pajama picnic with the kids.
Turn the music up and dance wild to whatever stuff you like, then what your kids do.
Let the house go for a weekend and head off to some free hometown event.
My kid kept am eye on me too when the H was in rehab. Many nights we'd camp out in the MBR just reading.
It was exhausting running family life, my job and kicking off recovery. I was too angry to cry. It is good that you can!
Look hard if you are expecting too much out of yourself in this situation.
Peace. Have some fun too!
But this morning I put him on a plane to Florida as his dad is in the hospital. I so need this break from him and even though I feel a little guilty. I want to restore some order to my house, hog the bed, watch movies on Lifetime and Hallmark and just have some peace and quiet in my home.
I also vent my anger and tears in the car which helps. It's hard to keep it in and I also try to not let the kids see me get upset too often.
Keep coming here, keep reading and even if you don't get a lot of replies I find that putting my feelings, stories etc out in writing help me purge them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
sobering up doesn't equal growing up. from his view, not much has changed, you always took care of everything before....so of course you will just continue to do so. he's never had to TRY very hard, always got to skate by with minimal effort (i'm guessing at this....). now he's in sober playland - with new friends and new activities and gee isn't this fun.
if he is going to become a responsible grown up, it will take time. LOTS of time. possibly years. you get to decide how much time YOU want to wait and see. but meanwhile you have to take good care of yourself...
if he is going to become a responsible grown up, it will take time. LOTS of time. possibly years. you get to decide how much time YOU want to wait and see. but meanwhile you have to take good care of yourself...
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