Mikie9

Hi all and happy new year! I have a dilemma I need help sorting out.

I received an email from an old friend, who drinks heavily. We haven't spoken in a couple of years because his drinking got severe and he lost his job, and moved away. I was still drinking then so I did not handle the work thing well. I was technically his boss although before that we had worked together for years. I took it personally that he was drinking so bad that it put me in the position to have to let him go. I now know better, it wasn't him putting me in that position, it was his drinking.

My dilemma is, do I want to respond? I am torn.

On one side I want to know how he is doing, with hopes he has gotten help.

On the other side, if he is still drinking I would rather not know. But now that I have found some peace from this I want to help if he needs it. It is concerning me that he has been alone all this time, and maybe I am his last plea for help. He has no idea I have stopped drinking and am dedicated to this choice.

His email just says, "Hey, has it been long enough yet?" Sent at 11:02 PM... At this time of night a couple of years ago, he would have been to drunk to type even that.

Any thoughts?

Straightshoot

Well if it were me, I would answer and if the reply seems like he is still drinking, and as you say you don't want to deal with that, not reply again. Seems like you care enough to have this inner conundrum. Sounds as if he is reaching out for a friend. Just my .02.

Soberwolf

Email for a telephone number and speak by phone ?

Good luck Mikie hope your friend is ok

Gonnachange

I would contact your friend, preferably by phone. Assess what to do afterward. Also, nothing worng with setting boundaries.

Turtle82

I can hear how significant he is to you. I would stay in touch but not face-to-face... email, phone, etc. until you find out what the situation is. During that time, I would be candid with him about where you're at. You have the opportunity to be a good role model if he's still drinking or support for each other if he's not. And, btw, are there any amends you feel you need to do with him? I guess the only other thing I would think about if he's still drinking is how much spiritual armor I'm wearing. That has to be in good condition for 12th Step. Take care.

Lance40

Hi Mikie - It can be easy to get caught up in the mental stories that get built around a relationship. One thing that I notice from your post is that it seems to be centred around him and how's he's doing. A better perspective may be to consider yourself first and honestly decide if you would like to re-establish a relationship with him. Keep in mind that how he lives and responds to life is his decision; you are not responsible or accountable for him.

If you don't want to reconnect with him, then you have the options or either not responding or a polite response that sends a clear message that you have moved past the relationship. If you do want to reconnect with him, then be sure to set clear boundaries for yourself what that looks like in a way that is healthy for you.

Soberpotamus

I personally don't like the tone of that message and wouldn't respond back.

Now, if you were really good friends with him, then of course, you probably want to know how he is doing. But then, wouldn't you have already checked up on him by now?

Mikie9

Good point Jennie.

I think what keeps pulling me toward responding is I hate the thought of someone in a place I once was reaching for help and getting ignored. I don't see him as a good friend so much as someone I used to share hell with. I have gotten out alive and I want that for everyone.

Not my monkey not my circus and it might not be in my best interest, which is why there is a dilemma.

Mikie9

Oh and Turtle, meant to respond. I don't feel I have amends to make to him. What happened with work was his doing(even though I know the reasons) and I didn't act mean or horrible about what had to be done. Wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't my doing.

ANewDayNYC

Its really a personal decision. I think it would be fine to wish a Happy New Year.

biminiblue

I wouldn't respond at all.

If he needs help, what kind of help are you willing to give him? If he needs to stop drinking, then he knows where the hospitals, churches, and shelters are. He can ask for help at any of those places.

Protect yourself and your sobriety.

Mikie9

Good point bimini, very good point. I often forget I am not my brothers keeper. I guess the only help I could give him would be that he isn't alone in this. But he knows this already, he knows there is help out there.

Thanks all, I have been pondering this for a couple of weeks now and it has been laid to rest. I will not respond to him, and truly hope he has found some salvation.

biminiblue

I think if he were to contact you at 6:00 on a Tuesday with the message, "Hey, I've been thinking about you. Things are great, how are you?" That would be a message worth replying to.

As it was, he starts off at 11PM and confrontational. He probably won't even remember sending it. Sounds like a drunken "poor me" message, to be honest.

Mikie9

That is where I arrived at Bimini. A different email at a different time of day it may be different. But I concluded what you just posted.

ReadyAtLast

I agree with Jennie and bimini. The tone and time of the email suggest drinking/drunk and is pretty abrupt. I would not respond.

An email sent in the morning/afternoon asking how you are and speaking about general things would warrant a response but this does not imo