QueSera81

Broke up with RAXBF late on 12/29 (but I don't think he believed it until I reinforced it and then went No Contact on 12/30). In that time he has told me he was coming to my house (late one night when he was obviously drunk). He has threatened suicide (I called his mom and told her it was her problem). He came by yesterday and left me a note. Since then, there's just been one email from him (included a selfie in which he looked about 10 years older than he did when I last saw him on Sunday). I am hopeful that the calm that seems to be present right now and for the last 18 hours is the end, but I suspect that it is just the eye of the storm. He has his daughters for Christmas on Saturday, so at least i can rely on that being a quiet day for me - at least until later.

I am kicking myself for not having a security system installed in my house before now. I have no excuse for it - I really should have done it much sooner. I live in an end townhouse - it is the least secure unit on my street by nature of having 3x more ground level windows than everyone else.

I encounter people who are victims of intimate partner violence on a regular basis through work. I have a new respect for what they go through, as I have only seen a small sliver and it's terrifying. It took me about 6 weeks to get the strength up to leave when I decided to (that was then delayed another 3 weeks because he got sober and our relationship was actually normal for a short time). I now understand why experts say that leaving is the most dangerous time. He has never laid a violent hand on me, yet I have feared for my safety for the last 3 days.

freetosmile

Don't forget about the power of restraining orders!

But hey, GOOD JOB for sticking with your guns!! Turning the suicide over to mom was great. No contact is also great! You should be proud of yourself. But do take care of your safety

LexieCat

Next time he threatens suicide, call 911. No need to dump this on his mother. Besides, that just keeps you hooked into the family drama, wherein you are the one responsible for letting mom know what's going on. If he's serious, they will take him in for an involuntary "hold" evaluation. If he's bluffing, then he won't be likely to threaten suicide to you again.

And if he keeps contacting you/showing up, call the police and get a protective order.

freetosmile

yes, good call.....better than what I said

LexieCat

Oh, one other thing to know, threats of suicide escalate the level of danger in any violent relationship. If you have the ability to install a security system, it wouldn't be a bad idea.

biminiblue

I had the police involved in a breakup. Several times I needed them to intervene for me after I had stopped seeing him. It does seem to ramp them up - they are losing control and they just can't have that.

Try not to future trip. The best thing is to not allow any contact at all. That is the quickest way to hopefully let them know you are serious.

Be in this moment. I know how it feels, I covered all my windows, looked over my shoulder for months, and even though it's 20 years later, I still lock my doors every time I'm inside.

Eauchiche

"I am kicking myself for not having a security system installed in my house before now. I have no excuse for it - I really should have done it much sooner. I live in an end townhouse - it is the least secure unit on my street by nature of having 3x more ground level windows than everyone else."

One of my clients owns a home security company. He says everything is wireless now, with installation not being the big deal it used to be.

Some alarm companies have specials that charge a minimal cost for getting started with a contract for monitoring.

Good luck to you!

QueSera81

So, I actually am not eligible for a protective order against him because we did not live together, don't have a child, etc. I am only eligible for a peace order, which is a civil - not criminal - order. If he violates, he's only subject to civil penalties unless he actually assaults me. It essentially has no "teeth" but would be served on him, so I worry that he would just view it as a challenge rather than something that he should respect. He is a salesman for a living and prides himself on being able to talk his way into/out of anything, so I can picture him thinking he can just talk the cops out of doing anything. Does my line of reasoning make sense or am I just being ridiculous? I really appreciate the advice and honesty I've received here.

I actually tried to call the police where he lives first BUT his apartment complex mail addresses do not match up with the physical addresses so the officer couldn't find it. I am going to go up there on Monday when he is at work and meet the officer and figure out the address (in case I need to serve anything AND in case he pulls that s--- again). I thought about calling the leasing office and trying to get the address but I'm afraid they won't give it to me.

I have an appointment for an alarm estimate on Saturday morning. I already have another estimate, then I'll pick and get it installed.

QueSera81

Oh my gosh, I forgot to say the most important thing I wanted to say, which is THANK YOU! I was somehow convincing myself that things would get better and in my backwards mind I was almost telling myself that I had an OBLIGATION to stick around despite the fact that I wasn't happy.

Hawkeye13

Get your alarm installed ASAP and take some extra precautions like carrying pepper spray at the ready from work to car, car to house.

You could stay elsewhere for a few days until the alarm is installed and to see
how he acts in the next few days.

A nice loud blaring horn is also good protection along with the pepper spray
as it is startling and scary. I used to carry one of those when living in a rough area
in Oakland CA but don't pull the pin by accident as it is hard to shut off

I'm glad you broke up with him before it went any further.
It's hard to know this will happen--they "pass" for normal at first so often.
The one that went wacky on me did. He seemed fine until he wasn't.

I was just very careful for awhile and in my case he got distracted with drinking
and another woman before too long. It's a shame for the next woman, but
warning them (as I tried to do) usually just results in being labeled as jealous
or psycho yourself.

Be vigilant and protect yourself and this will pass. Hugs.

LexieCat

Judges do not take kindly to having their orders violated, so his being a "smooth talker" isn't likely to get him very far.

I'd do it anyway. Look at it this way--if he does continue, even in the face of a court order prohibiting it, it still underscores your seriousness. And it could help to establish a basis for a stalking charge if he keeps it up.

Ultimately, you know him better than we do. My own suggestion would be to contact your local women's shelter and talk to an advocate there. They will be familiar with the laws in your jurisdiction and can probably provide you with the best guidance.

NYCDoglvr

I would contact his mom to pass along the word that if he tries to break into your house or talk to you again you'll get a restraining order.

FlippedRHalo

Another thing that you can do for some sense of security is to take your keys to bed with you. If you have an alarm on your car and it's close enough to be set off from your room (I also live in an end townhouse and my bedroom is in the front), you can always hit the car alarm from the bed incase anything happens. A blaring car alarm is definitely going to get people noticing. It may be enough to scare him off, or, if that fails, you can always key his eyes out. My neighbor is a police officer and gave me that tip when he found out that I recently left my alcoholic ex.

Lexicat - I didn't know that suicide threats escalate the level of violence. Ugh. That frightens me. My ex has threatened suicide while we were together, while we were breaking up and has done it after we broke up as well. I honestly don't think he really would, but because one of my very good friends did commit suicide, he knows that it's an instant anxiety trigger for me and would keep me from leaving....until I realized that staying or leaving would have absolutely no bearing on him doing it or not. Still, it scares me to hear that. He's one of those very quiet types that you wouldn't think could hurt a fly, but meanwhile, he's full of anger and rage. Only voices it though, never acted on it physically that I've seen.

LexieCat

Well, I suppose I should have qualified it in the sense that suicidality is an indicator of increased dangerousness. There ARE people out there who like to throw around threats for the dramatic effect or for manipulation. If you KNOW that's all it is, then the threats probably don't mean much in terms of dangerousness. The thing is, it is often hard to tell, and the number of homicide-suicides I've seen over the years makes me pretty cautious. People who truly have no regard for their own lives often figure if they're going out, might as well take someone else with them. And suicide can be a very hostile act, too, in and of itself. So other forms of violence are often associated.

QueSera81

FlippedRHalo - thanks for the reminder. I usually take my purse up to my room which always has my car keys in it, but rarely my house keys. Last night I remembered and took my house keys too. My remote definitely could activate my car alarm from my room.

I got one email today. He also called me at work (we have little portable phones that thankfully have caller ID, so I didn't answer). I arrived home and drove around my house before parking in back (a maze of one way streets...such a pain!). The only thing out of place is that my recycle bin was moved to on top of my trash can but it can get blown around a little bit and I think a neighbor probably moved it.

I'm glad he didn't show up at work today. Looking back, it's funny. I doubt he'd even be able to find my exact workplace if he wanted to. I have a great job and a great career, but work in a very underserved area and he always turned up his nose at the population I serve. He never showed much interest in my work. I actually was just thinking today that I don't think he really loved ME at all, because he doesn't know me. I think he liked that I was fun, and stable (financially, emotionally) but I don't think he in any way, shape, or form really understood me.

FeelingGreat

Hi QS, Google some interim security measures you can take until you have a system installed on the internet. It doesn't all have to be high tech; one example is you can buy individual alarms for the main doors and windows at the hardware store that don't have to be attached to a central system. I live alone and don't have a barrier alarm, but do have security doors and window screens.
A very strong torch, a personal alarm are other examples which should frighten off most intruders.

hopeful4

On Amazon you can also buy a taser and alarm signs shipped for under $30 for all of it. Wasp spray works the same as pepper spray, so I have a big can right inside the coat closet in the living room. I also keep a can in my car. I have the taser and the small pepper spray in my purse. I love the car keys idea, I will remember that.

Stay safe.

QueSera81

Thanks for the tips, everyone. I have pepper spray. I had security walk me to my car last night after work. I put a couple sensors on the doors for now. I'm sleeping in the other bedroom, which has a door out to my deck. If need be, I could climb out onto the deck and over to my neighbors very quickly. My neighbor told me where his hide-a-key is for his door when I asked him to keep an eye on my place and explained what's been going on.

I feel intimidated and will be looking over my shoulder for quite some time. I've lived in two different high-crime cities for the last 6 years, so my level of vigilance is always high but right now it's bordering on compulsive.