guava

So my STBXAH learned there was a difference between rehab and detox and decided detox was what he really wanted. While I encouraged him to seek any kind of help, I stayed out of it (based partly on the support I received here- thank you!) and he found himself a detox facility. Although I was really hoping for a minimum 30-day rehab, anything was a step in the right direction.

He checked in late Tuesday night. Another step in the right direction. He called last night to wish our son and me a Happy New Year. He then said the facility wasn't doing anything for him - just prescribed medications. (However he later stated all he's been doing is sleeping until they wake him to eat or go to meetings - so I know there was at least some kind of program happening.) He also stated he was feeling much better and wasn't having the shakes anymore. He kept stating he just wanted to leave already...kind of waiting for me to give him permission. I wasn't biting and instead asked him what the facility suggested and he said four days. He then said it doesn't matter anyway since we are getting divorced no matter what, right? (Our final divorce hearing is set for February 17th.) Instead of directly answering his question I said it does matter because it matters if he lives or dies, can be part of our son's life and can do stuff together with us.

Well, I'm not proud of it, but I regressed to my old ways of keeping tabs on him and this morning I found he was on Facebook at 2am which means he is out of the facility. (They didn't allow cell phones/Internet, etc.) I'm not sure where he is now since he's been living with his parents.

I don't even know what I'm looking for with this post. I've been working so hard on staying out of his stuff and detaching yet this morning I am so frustrated and disappointed. I'm mad at myself for checking up on him. I'm disappointed he didn't take better advantage of this 4 weeks he has off from work. I'm feeling guilty that I'm moving forward when he's finally made an attempt to do something. I'm just so frustrated with this situation. I'm sad. And I'm so glad the holidays are over.

I hope everyone here finds peace and joy in this New Year.

maia1234

G- I am sorry for what you are going through. Good for you for trying to mind your own biz. I am sorry to say, is take care of u and your son. Give your ah to his higher power. Nothing more you can do.

I am sorry I don't have any better advice. Until he wants to be sober, it will never work

redatlanta

Hi Guava and Happy New Year! Don't beat yourself up for checking up on him - it happens.

Are you sure your husband really went to Detox? I'm not trying to spur you to check it out, but there are a couple of red flags in your post that indicate to me he did not go.

He is the father of your children, of course you are interested in him being sober. Just because you divorce someone doesn't mean you don't care about their well being, or hope that they get better. When you feel bad remind yourself of why you aren't with him. I am sure that he had many opportunities to choose to get sober before the divorce was filed.

(((hugs))) to you. I am glad the holidays are over and very happy 2015 is here. Gonna be a good year.

guava

Never considered that one Red, but I just now checked the phone number he called me from and the call was made from an addiction facility. Thanks for the kind words and hugs Red & Maia. I'll happily take them today!

Ursula745

In my experience, detox with no plan to stay sober after was a waste of time, money, and energy. It was used as a ploy to prove that he wanted to get sober, but then he didn't want to stay stopped. It kept us reeled in. Now, if someone were to tell me they're going to detox with no aftercare plan, I'd simply take it for what it is based on what I've experienced....quacking....

However, I will say that after a couple rounds of this, someone laid down the law and said...sorry, you can't come home from detox so you need to find somewhere else to stay. Oddly, he found a rehab facility. Granted, it also took a couple rounds of that and some jail time, but recovery was started when he was told he couldn't come home. Added note to say the not-coming-home rule was for the family, not to get him to get help. Everyone was way past the point of letting go by then.

Good luck and hugs...you might need to make some harder choices for yourself soon.

dandylion

guava.....he just isn't ready.

Proceed straight ahead on your course. And, for the love-of-God.....do not take on guilt for those things you are not responsible for and have no control over.....LOL!!!

Happy New Year to you! I h ope you have some excitement for the new experiences you are going to have in the future......You are entitled, you know.....

dandylion

biminiblue

Well, we all are triggered into poor reactions at times. I don't think you'd be human if you weren't.

The longer you stay out of his stuff, the easier it gets to not only not check facebook (I'd unfriend and block him myself) but to just not bite emotionally on any of his tales.

sugarbear1

detox is only a beginning.

learning to live without drinking for each day is a process and can take a while.

happy new year to you!

love and hugs to you

guava

Ugh...the frustration continues...

STBXAH calls yesterday afternoon to ask if he can come over and spend some time with our son. I say okay. When he arrives I ask him how he's feeling, ask about the medications (since he brought them over) but otherwise don't mention his time in detox. I make a nice dinner for the 3 of us (Hoppin' John - figure I can use all the extra good luck I can get in the New Year!) and we do the remaining fireworks we had saved for when Daddy was back.

Once my son is in the tub my husband tells me he didn't appreciate my attitude on the phone and would appreciate some acknowledgment of the difficult step he took. I tell him I'm glad he went to detox but I was concerned that with such a short stay and without a follow-up program his chance of relapse was pretty high. I told him I've been up and down on this roller coaster for the past few years (this is his second time going through detox) and it's his recovery so I'm just staying out of it. He said I don't know what the F I am talking about and his BP was so high he could have died and he has plans for getting help to stay sober. He said that earlier that morning the facility had asked him if he wouldn't mind leaving since he seemed to be doing alright and they had a lot of people trying to get in. Keep in mind my STBXAH doesn't know that I know he was out of there before 2am. I guess we can argue whether before 2am on New Year's Eve/Day is morning or night but seriously? A facility is going to ask you to leave at 2am? After just 24 hours? And now he's pissed because I'm not jumping up and down about how wonderful he is for going at all?

So I'm trying to learn here...should I just be grateful he went at all? Should I have just left it at I'm glad you took that first step? Or was I right to voice my concerns? I know how to handle things when he's drinking but am struggling now. Thanks!

LexieCat

You don't have to have any feelings about his going to detox at all, and any that you do have are fine. I'd just stay out of the debate. It's his deal, and arguing about it just gives him an excuse to be angry, resentful, or to drink. Not that those are legitimate excuses, but he will take them if he can.

Practice saying to him, "This is your business, I'm staying out of it. I hope you get well, but that's up to you." If he's a STBX, then why does he "need" any "acknowledgment" from you at all?

hopeful4

He is looking for validation from you for essentially making a decision to detox, although he was barely there. Manipulation.

Your feelings are your feelings. One thing I had to remember is that just because I have feelings does not mean I had to share them w/my X. It only lead to more trouble and accomplished nothing.

I'm sorry. Tight hugs.

Chantal88

guava -

If you want more of an idea of what recovery looks like you might want to watch the TV show Addicted on Netflix.

The word "detachment" actually comes from Eastern philosophy. I hear it thrown around quite a lot, but I think everyone has a different definition for it. Originally the word meant that a person's contentment and peace was detached from what was happening around them. Meaning, a person who was truly practicing detachment, could have peace even in the midst of a war. I don't think it means not being concerned for other people, or not helping them. But it does mean being mindful of your actions and making sure that you are acting out of love and not out of a need to control, a need to be wanted or a compulsion.

If you watch the show Addicted - the host of the show actually does her homework and extensively researches rehabs and detox centers for her clients. She even develops a recovery timeline for them. Most addicts cannot realistically do this on their own. It would be like asking a schizophrenic to chose what hospital they want to go to and to determine their length of stay. They might be rational enough to know they need help, but they are too sick to determine an action plan IMO.

Bamawife

My RAH did two previous stints in detox without any further treatment. He was in detox for 48 hours each time. That simply did not work. Back in September when he went to detox for the third time, he didn't want to go to rehab at the end of his 10 day detox. I was prepared to not allow him to come home. I packed him a bag and went to the detox center to meet with him (with 2 counselors as back up). He did not know that I brought a packed bag. I simply asked him why he didn't want to go to rehab for 30 days. To make a long story short, when he realized that he had my support and our family's support, and that I brought his bag, he agreed to go. He has been sober for more than 90 days now and is doing extremely well. I had to realize that I could not "make him sober" but rather he had to want to do it for himself. I say all of this to let you know our experience with just detox. Detox only didn't work for my RAH.

I wish you the best!

guava

Thanks for all the feedback. I appreciate all of your comments, suggestions, hugs very much.

So I guess he is on day 6 without a drink. He went to an AA meeting last night and he actually had positive things to say about this one. It was a large group so he felt more comfortable. He is meeting with a potential sponsor tomorrow. He's 2 chapters into the Big Book.

I guess I'm giving off a skeptical vibe because he made a point of showing me his AA chip and his Mom talked to me about how he's really different this time around.

I know I should be glad he's finally doing something to get and stay sober and part of me truly is but honestly, in a way things were much easier, or clearer, for me when he was still active. Here we are five weeks from our final divorce hearing...

Chantal88

Guava -

What do you mean when you say things were clearer? Are you second guessing the divorce? I know that divorces can be difficult on their own, but when you throw addiction in there, I'm sure it adds another layer of complication.

I think often times people wonder if things might have worked out had it not been for the addiction - or if there is still hope if it can. But remember that recovery is a long road. Do you still have feelings for him?

I hope for the best for you Guava. I know how difficult it is to be in such a complicated situation.

Hawks

Try reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

Outlines the problem, the solution, the steps and advice on the family after.

Cool book.

guava

I think what I mean is when he was drunk, unavailable and verbally abusive I felt very justified in my decision. I was able to step back and look at things objectively and could clearly see this is the right decision for my son and me.

Now that he's finally doing some of the things I used to try so hard to get him to do, the guilt is creeping back in. Guilt is a hard thing to deal with but I need to as there is too much past hurt and too little progress for me to reconsider the divorce.