He won't stop. He's a mess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
He won't stop. He's a mess.
I've emailed him to stop contacting me. I've sent a text back to the number he's texting me from to stop contacting me. It means nothing. He won't stop.
I can't change my phone number because it's a work phone and I go on call 2 weekends a month. I'm not sure how to present this to HR to see if there is a way I can get a new phone or phone number. Something has to give.
I don't think he'd be violent or do anything crazy, and I really don't want to get into an ordeal with court and harassment charges, but this isn't helping the situation and I said as much when I replied asking him to stop contacting me. I don't know if it's making it harder on him, but it's definitely making it harder on me.
I get this message last night:
"Passenger. Let Her Go. Listen to It. I really effed up. I always did and I always will love you. Goodbye. This will be my last message."
About 20 minutes later, more ridiculousness and a change to blaming me.
I turned my phone off last night. I'm not even in my home state, I'm visiting family 3 states away where I was born and raised. I hate having to turn my phone off because my friend is house and dog sitting for me and I don't want to be unreachable incase of any problems. But UGH!
I mean, is he trying to ruin my visit with my family and New Years (I come up every year at this time and he knows this)? It's obvious from the last text that he was very drunk. My mother warned that after the Christmas parties and celebrating that this would probably happen, but come on now.
I'm starting to feel nothing. I guess that's a good thing. I worry about what he's doing to himself right now, but he was like this before I was with him and started going back to it when we were together. I know he "tried" to limit his drinking when we were a couple, but as soon as we got engaged, he started back hot and heavy. Hiding it, lying about it and just generally turning back into that dark, depressed person.
I think back to him telling me one night "I love you, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, but I'll probably never stop drinking." What a fool I was. I truly thought I was the person that would change that. I ran right past that little warning thinking I could control it. I can not believe myself! Still trying to figure out if that was sheer denial or me thinking I was that powerful that I could change him. I should have ran and never looked back long ago when I had the chance. When people on here tell us to believe a person when they tell us who they are, please learn from my mistake and do just that. It's not worth the pain, torment, deception and loss of self trying to change the unchangeable. It's just not a good road to navigate down.
I don't see good things coming down the line for him, admittedly, that worries me and in another way, it gives me hope that maybe he's on the fast track to realizing he has to help himself. I just pray that he, nor anyone innocent, gets hurt or worse in the process. I know he's drinking insane amounts of alcohol and although I do feel bad, he can't continue inserting himself and his dramatics into my life. It's like he is fighting inside of his own mind and doing all he can to get me to argue with him, or something. Not sure what the sense in all of this is or what his motives are. I truly don't think he wants to get back together either because he knows that he won't stop drinking and he knows, in no uncertain terms, that I won't accept this. So, I'm so unclear about exactly what his motives are with these attempts to reach me. At this point, and after some space and reflection, I think the issues stem way beyond the alcoholism.
I'm definitely getting stronger. Much stronger. Initially, seeing the texts bothers me, but last night I could truly see the ridiculousness of it all and the insanity of the alcoholism and sickness behind his words. It hurts to let go, it really does, but it's getting easier knowing that I didn't have a choice. There is no way I could live this insanity - it seems so much worse than when we were together.
I sometimes wonder if he held it together for as long as he did because of us being together. Maybe if I just stayed out of his way back then, he would have hit bottom and sought help already. He's spinning out of control fast. Feeling some guilt over that. Who did I think I was that I could change this person? I honestly did it thinking I could help at the time, I really thought our love could change the course... little did I know.
I think my tears and pain are no longer over wishing he'd get sober and for us to work things out. I think they're genuine tears of letting go now. It's such a tough process.
I often wonder if alcoholics realize the trail of destruction they leave behind.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. I'm seeing things differently and enjoying not having the worry and stress of living with an alcoholic. I still catch myself missing him and the amazing times we had a some points through our relationship, I miss the closeness that we shared at times, but it's getting easier. I understand now what people mean by the fog lifting. I also realize when my stomach drops and I get that sinking feeling of sadness, it's more my abandonment issues than him being gone - I think.
Now I guess I have to decide what to do about him apparently not caring that I've asked for him to cease contacting me. I am keeping a log now as Lexicat advised, but unfortunately, I think I may have to take it further soon. I wish he wouldn't push it to this point, but I guess his inhibitions are completely removed when he's bombed and what I ask for, for my own healing and peace, just doesn't matter to him.
I apologize for this being so long and jumbled. I just needed to write some thoughts out. This has been one heck of a journey, I'll say that much. I want to be healed and over it all yesterday, but apparently, it doesn't happen that way. It happens very slowly.... it's happening, but I wish it would speed up a bit.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy new year. Praying that 2015 brings peace, hope and healing to all of us. Hugs SR friends.
I can't change my phone number because it's a work phone and I go on call 2 weekends a month. I'm not sure how to present this to HR to see if there is a way I can get a new phone or phone number. Something has to give.
I don't think he'd be violent or do anything crazy, and I really don't want to get into an ordeal with court and harassment charges, but this isn't helping the situation and I said as much when I replied asking him to stop contacting me. I don't know if it's making it harder on him, but it's definitely making it harder on me.
I get this message last night:
"Passenger. Let Her Go. Listen to It. I really effed up. I always did and I always will love you. Goodbye. This will be my last message."
About 20 minutes later, more ridiculousness and a change to blaming me.
I turned my phone off last night. I'm not even in my home state, I'm visiting family 3 states away where I was born and raised. I hate having to turn my phone off because my friend is house and dog sitting for me and I don't want to be unreachable incase of any problems. But UGH!
I mean, is he trying to ruin my visit with my family and New Years (I come up every year at this time and he knows this)? It's obvious from the last text that he was very drunk. My mother warned that after the Christmas parties and celebrating that this would probably happen, but come on now.
I'm starting to feel nothing. I guess that's a good thing. I worry about what he's doing to himself right now, but he was like this before I was with him and started going back to it when we were together. I know he "tried" to limit his drinking when we were a couple, but as soon as we got engaged, he started back hot and heavy. Hiding it, lying about it and just generally turning back into that dark, depressed person.
I think back to him telling me one night "I love you, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, but I'll probably never stop drinking." What a fool I was. I truly thought I was the person that would change that. I ran right past that little warning thinking I could control it. I can not believe myself! Still trying to figure out if that was sheer denial or me thinking I was that powerful that I could change him. I should have ran and never looked back long ago when I had the chance. When people on here tell us to believe a person when they tell us who they are, please learn from my mistake and do just that. It's not worth the pain, torment, deception and loss of self trying to change the unchangeable. It's just not a good road to navigate down.
I don't see good things coming down the line for him, admittedly, that worries me and in another way, it gives me hope that maybe he's on the fast track to realizing he has to help himself. I just pray that he, nor anyone innocent, gets hurt or worse in the process. I know he's drinking insane amounts of alcohol and although I do feel bad, he can't continue inserting himself and his dramatics into my life. It's like he is fighting inside of his own mind and doing all he can to get me to argue with him, or something. Not sure what the sense in all of this is or what his motives are. I truly don't think he wants to get back together either because he knows that he won't stop drinking and he knows, in no uncertain terms, that I won't accept this. So, I'm so unclear about exactly what his motives are with these attempts to reach me. At this point, and after some space and reflection, I think the issues stem way beyond the alcoholism.
I'm definitely getting stronger. Much stronger. Initially, seeing the texts bothers me, but last night I could truly see the ridiculousness of it all and the insanity of the alcoholism and sickness behind his words. It hurts to let go, it really does, but it's getting easier knowing that I didn't have a choice. There is no way I could live this insanity - it seems so much worse than when we were together.
I sometimes wonder if he held it together for as long as he did because of us being together. Maybe if I just stayed out of his way back then, he would have hit bottom and sought help already. He's spinning out of control fast. Feeling some guilt over that. Who did I think I was that I could change this person? I honestly did it thinking I could help at the time, I really thought our love could change the course... little did I know.
I think my tears and pain are no longer over wishing he'd get sober and for us to work things out. I think they're genuine tears of letting go now. It's such a tough process.
I often wonder if alcoholics realize the trail of destruction they leave behind.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. I'm seeing things differently and enjoying not having the worry and stress of living with an alcoholic. I still catch myself missing him and the amazing times we had a some points through our relationship, I miss the closeness that we shared at times, but it's getting easier. I understand now what people mean by the fog lifting. I also realize when my stomach drops and I get that sinking feeling of sadness, it's more my abandonment issues than him being gone - I think.
Now I guess I have to decide what to do about him apparently not caring that I've asked for him to cease contacting me. I am keeping a log now as Lexicat advised, but unfortunately, I think I may have to take it further soon. I wish he wouldn't push it to this point, but I guess his inhibitions are completely removed when he's bombed and what I ask for, for my own healing and peace, just doesn't matter to him.
I apologize for this being so long and jumbled. I just needed to write some thoughts out. This has been one heck of a journey, I'll say that much. I want to be healed and over it all yesterday, but apparently, it doesn't happen that way. It happens very slowly.... it's happening, but I wish it would speed up a bit.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy new year. Praying that 2015 brings peace, hope and healing to all of us. Hugs SR friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
His number is blocked Katchie - I don't know the number he's texting me from. It does look familiar and I think it may be his father's phone, but I can't remember exactly because I removed all of his family member's numbers from my phone. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
so block any number you get a message from him on--
This is quite a load of BS nonsense you are putting up with
Give your dogsitter you mom's number in case of emergency and shut off your phone
until you get home.
Don't put up with this!
This is quite a load of BS nonsense you are putting up with
Give your dogsitter you mom's number in case of emergency and shut off your phone
until you get home.
Don't put up with this!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've emailed him to stop contacting me. I've sent a text back to the number he's texting me from to stop contacting me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Im with Hawkeye...any number he calls from, just block it. He will eventually run out of numbers to call from, at least one would think, or get tired of the game. I also second NYCDoglvr, don't feed the beast! You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
When you wrote "I wonder if alcoholics realize the trail of destruction they left behind" ?
I ran into that line like a brick wall.
I left my husband, but that line still applies. Does he realize that I carry that part of my life with me everyday? I hear a loud bang and I think it is him falling down the steps ( mind you, now it is my son and I in a ranch home)I hear the phone ring and I wonder if it's the hospital. Neighbors burning firewood and I recall my husband leaving the flame lite on the stove and falling asleep. I do miss the times we shared, but I needed to get out of all that ALCOHOL.
I ran into that line like a brick wall.
I left my husband, but that line still applies. Does he realize that I carry that part of my life with me everyday? I hear a loud bang and I think it is him falling down the steps ( mind you, now it is my son and I in a ranch home)I hear the phone ring and I wonder if it's the hospital. Neighbors burning firewood and I recall my husband leaving the flame lite on the stove and falling asleep. I do miss the times we shared, but I needed to get out of all that ALCOHOL.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Flipped, save all the texts and emails, and when you get home go down to your local family court an apply for a protective order. All you have to say is that you have repeatedly told this person that his communications are unwelcome, you have blocked the numbers he's texting from, and that these ongoing communications are upsetting you and causing you emotional distress. My bet is that that will be enough for the court to issue a protective order prohibiting him from contacting you.
Now, one thing about protective orders is that they are only as good as your willingness to report violations. My guess is that he will test that with one or two "i'm sorry" or "I love you" messages. No matter HOW innocuous the message, contact is contact. You don't have children together, so there is NO reason why he needs to ever speak, write, text, send smoke signals to you again. The fact that he was seen (possibly) outside your home recently means this should be taken seriously. The whole point of protective orders is to STOP the behavior before it becomes more obsessive and dangerous. If you stick with it, and report EVERY violation, eventually he will stop or the police will have grounds for filing more serious charges (e.g., stalking) against him.
Personally, I think you should go for it.
Now, one thing about protective orders is that they are only as good as your willingness to report violations. My guess is that he will test that with one or two "i'm sorry" or "I love you" messages. No matter HOW innocuous the message, contact is contact. You don't have children together, so there is NO reason why he needs to ever speak, write, text, send smoke signals to you again. The fact that he was seen (possibly) outside your home recently means this should be taken seriously. The whole point of protective orders is to STOP the behavior before it becomes more obsessive and dangerous. If you stick with it, and report EVERY violation, eventually he will stop or the police will have grounds for filing more serious charges (e.g., stalking) against him.
Personally, I think you should go for it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Flipped, what a great post. I'm sorry you have to put up with the texts (until you've sorted it) but I love the way you're moving on and detaching with compassion.
There's hope for everyone, but it comes from them, and it could be years away.
There's hope for everyone, but it comes from them, and it could be years away.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Don't respond to him. Every response tells him he still has you hooked. Do you have your phone set up to show message previews on the screen before you open them? That's a great way to screen the messages without actually opening them. Ignore the messages, block the number, move on. I agree with Lexie that going for a protective order would be smart and is definitely warranted in this situation. Save any messages you get from him but DO NOT RESPOND.
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