ItsNowOrNever32

Hey everyone been a while since I've posted but just wanted to share... well I caved in and agreed to go to my exs for christmas (he promised me the most amazing xmas) well it was certainly a christmas I wont forget just like the previous two... an absolute nightmare with him smoking H & crack for most of it... what a complete **ck he is! Just when I thought he couldnt get any lower hes back injecting...
anyway christmas has been n gone now n here I am new years eve making one massive promise to myself.. 2015 is going to be all about me!!! My days of thinking about smack from the minute I open my eyes are long gone! Leaving all that in 2014 n looking forward to a bright and happy new year.. wishing everyone a peaceful 2015 x

zoso77

Ugh. Sorry you had to go through this.

My hope for you for 2015 is you no longer give yourself permission to be set up for disappointments. What he says and what he does are, as you now know, two different things. And so long as you remember this and don't allow yourself to get sucked back in, you'll be OK.

Happy New Year.

ItsNowOrNever32

Thanks zoso
I dont know whats wrong with me... I gave him one last chance at rehab then one last chance for xmas well hes had 100's of these last chances n theyve just finally run out.. he put the final nail in the coffin this
Christmas. He actually pulled the hand brake up on the car while I was doing 40 mph!! Hes an absolute crackpot.... thing is although its finally finished I think I actually helped him get as low as hes got, im not proud to say the past 6 months ive called him all the names under the sun (I didnt pull any punches) so im now thinking if I made him feel so bad about his self its obvious hes gonna go score n get a pick me up isnt he? Anyway its done now and I can't start feeling guitly for whst hes done to me over tge past few years.. I actually hope he proves me wrong and he gets the help he needs shame I wont be there to see it
happy new year to you too

GracieLou

I am so sorry.

I am right there with you sister. I can't do it anymore either but it you did not do anything wrong. This is his problem.

Your problem is to get up and move on. It takes time and it hurts but you can do it.

We hit our bottom just like they do. I hope this is yours and you can find the strength to get away and stay away. We all get there in our own time. Don't beat yourself up for giving him chances and for loving him. That just means you have a heart.

ItsNowOrNever32

Thanks Gracie im sure this is as low as I go I have to pick myself up n start living again.. my 1st serious boyfriend at the age of 20 over dosed on heroin so I suppose ive been clinging to hope it wouldnt happen to this one but at the end of the day ive finally come to realise I have to leave it to his own fate now... and let him do it his way..
ive been reading about co depedancy n I was shocked to actually realise thats what I am.. Im learning how to break it now and feeling so much stronger... its just so sad the devastation it causes,

zoso77

I don't think anything's wrong with you. I do think, however, you give yourself permission to do things that aren't in your best interests. And you do so in spite of overwhelming evidence that this guy will never, in all likelihood, get clean. It's a form of denial, no doubt triggered by him playing to your emotional/sentimental side.

To me, it's no different than standing close to a cobra and thinking it won't attack you. Guess what. It will.

ItsNowOrNever32

Oh yeah hes definitely a snake! I honestly dont think he'll evef be completely healed now... I dont recognise him any more its like hes given up all hope.
I do wish him well but I cant let him hold me down in the gutter any more.. I owe it to my self to find my own happiness, to start believing in myself again... ive carried him for too long and hes repaid my by doing the most unbelievable things.... hes leaving messages on my phone right now, he sounds broken but im not answering ill change my number as soon as ive wished friends n family a happy new year tonight.. its just so sad

ItsNowOrNever32

Hes texting me now saying he wants the puppy we bought together... hes more chance of seeing the pope run down oxford street naked!!

zoso77

Change your number. Problem solved.

ItsNowOrNever32

Im not replying to any,,, it will be getting changed tomorrow... he cant say anything I want to hear ive heard it all before

Ann

Don't blame yourself...you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.

The only way out of addiction hell is to walk out and never look back.

I found that I could not live in my son's addiction and my recovery at the same time...and so I had to choose my recovery or die trying to save what was not mine to save.

Sometimes it takes a horrific experience like you went through to find clarity and see it for what it really is. That's what I call a strangely wrapped gift.

You know better and now you can do better. Happy New Year.

Hugs

Soberintexas007

Sorry you are going through this NoworNever. You said that you had a previous bf who overdosed on heroin, and now this bf is doing crack and heroin, right?

I'm just wondering where you are meeting these guys that are into such serious drugs? Or is there some type of pattern in your life that is attracted to people who do these types of drugs?

I hope things get better for you. It seems that as much as you want to change your number and forget about him, I sense that something within you is still connected....which is fine by the way, just my thoughts.

ItsNowOrNever32

Thanks Ann I couldnt ever imagine going through this with a child its bad enough with a partner thanks for sharing your posts I find them comforting and im learning from your experiences.. I see the new year as a gift too a really positive start to new beginnings
Hi justbreathe yeah he over dosed we were all kids together growing up some of us took weed n acid but some moved on to much harder drugs my ex unfortunatly took the heroin path.. such a sad loss n ive felt guilty ever since
I used to go to school with my last bf we started school togrther age 5... my 1st love until we were 16 then lost touch I got married n then seperated after a long marrage n then met up with this one... think the*history between us got the better of me n I fell for him once again... thats life eh but hopefully we live and learn (usually the hard way with me tho)

GracieLou

Thanks for posting that! I needed to hear that today

chicory

Be strong,Itsnow!

Actions speak so much louder...he doesn't seem to get it yet, that what he has offered you is not good enough for you. Detachment is hard, but will bring you peace, and get you out of the crazy world.

wishing you well, and keep posting, as there are lots of super folks here who care.

best to you.
chicory

ItsNowOrNever32

Thank you Chickory no he doesnt get it but saying that ive spent the last 3 years making empty threats n not following them through... he quickly learnt he could basically get away with murder n after a few days or weeks id back down and he'd get another chance... even tho I get absolutely nothing from this relationship Im struggling to stop caring about him.. trying to prevent something crazy happening but im realising its his fate and i shouldnt even try to... its not fair on him or me
lifes a learning curve and ive suddenly learnt that im not only enabling him to use but the fights n arguments are actually making this situation a whole lot worse... hes not only struggling with this illness hes trying to cope with the stress of our relationship.. hopefully one day he'll thank me for backing off n giving him time and space to beat his demons

chicory

Itsnow,

Empty threats teach them nothing, except to see that we will take their garbage, and no boundaries make their using so much easier for them.

It's about you, girl. Stop blaming yourself, and remember, he can only fix his self, and you are not responsible for him recovery. Thank goodness its not our job... we have our own lives to take care of.

Don't accept anything less than what is good for you!

ItsNowOrNever32

Ive just re-read my post what exactly am I preventing from happening cause were im standing its been crazy on a daily basis! My theory obviously isnt working ... and yeah I deserve more a whole lot more I'm
just learning how to put it into practice now x

thequest

I had the same feeling this xmas. Family member got overtly staggering fall down drunk unable to pronounce words. Others were buzzed but the problem one got flatout smashed. Some were laughing or thought it was good some were having a good time. Then he invited an ex/another problem/enabler who started drinking with him but luckily stopped and talked him out of driving. People have gotten buzzed, slept, argued but this is the first time they were obviously drunk, smashed or demolished behavior/drinking.

Be thankful the holidays are over, I am.

Peace

irisgardens

ann is right--at least for me--sometimes we have to just let go as we can't do our own recovery by holding on--even though our internal unhealthy selves use so many emotions to get us to stay. walking out is not easy and although i did it with first two addict daughters and their enablers--need to do it again and although it feels as if all my progress in climbing mt everest--have no more underage children and i am an adult responsible for myself so need to take more steps forward...as painfully slow and hard as they seem...i have some life left to live and going to do my best to live it regardless of the addicts or addicts who don't 'need' recovery. They tell truth by actions and after a while--no matter how 'patient' and 'gullible' i am--i only hear the actions and then it is easier to work on me.